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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?      Home login  
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 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 1
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it? Page 1 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
I was responding to another post and it occurred to me that some would read what I wrote and think, "She will never find anyone." And I am perfectly o.k. with that. I think my chances are perhaps one in a million--which is simply my way of saying, I expect to be "alone" the rest of my life.

So why do I expect to be alone? I guess it's because I'm not really that interested in making sacrifices and compromises for someone unless I am truly head-over-heels about him. I have friends, I have family; I can be with others whenever I choose, and I readily meet their needs--and still have plenty of time for myself. I enjoy my time alone, a lot. So the person would have to be really, really special--and in my adult life, I've only met 1 person I felt that way about (and 2 "maybes" who were already married but with whom I could have seen myself, had things been different). Still, 3 people in nearly 40 years? The odds are hardly in my favor. So I guess it is a good thing I'm happy alone!

How about you? How many people have you met throughout your life that you know, from the perspective of now, were really, really special? Enough that you feel your odds are good for the future? So few you despair, or, like me, feel grateful you are happy alone? What, if any, changes do you see yourself making to bring your odds in line with your wishes?

And this isn't about finding someone through POF or OLD; it's about finding someone in any possible way.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 2
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/3/2015 8:16:51 PM
Great post!

I'm not willing to change who I am to find a fairy tale (i.e. become more attractive).

She'll accept me, warts and all, and vice versa. Learn from the past, but don't live life looking in the rear view mirror.

I'm an introvert. I enjoy reading and quiet time. Philosophical 'what if' stuff. I'm a couch potatoe with an edge. I do exercise to stay fit but I am definitely not an athlete.

I guess your post just resonated with me because I am not interested in making compromises either, or impressing someone.

Sadly, I don't know what I have to offer a relationship other then a committment and a decent wage. I've worked with men my whole life. I don't have many friends because I am not interested in doing things with men. Lol.

Finally...meeting someone to complement you, should not feel like 'work'. It should feel natural.

Peace out:)
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 3
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/3/2015 8:22:52 PM
I do not expect to stay alone though I admit it has been more difficult to find "the one" then anticipated.
Have been in 3 what I call long term relationships (1 year +) relationships in the past 8 years and have not been asked to sacrifice anything, compromise yes but to me compromise is part of everyday life.
I am also an introvert and need my alone time, does not take much of a discussion to assure that that happens and has not been an issue in any of the relationships. Every woman I have dated has had a life of her own which I shared as she shared in mine.

Like has been said so many times on here attitude is everything, if your attitude is quote " I'm not really that interested in making sacrifices and compromises for someone unless I am truly head-over-heels about him." /her then that is the way it will work. If you get together with someone who requires sacrifice then yes by all means put them to the curb!!! Compromise on the small things like taking an interest in what they do even if you are not interested is hardly a sacrifice.
I drag race and spend a lot of summer weekends at dragstrips, all of my LTR's have been women with enough of a sense of adventure to give it a try and found themselves enjoying the weekends, again an attitude of compromise and trying something new.
I also have a sense of adventure and will try anything and go anywhere, if the company is good it will almost always be fun if the attitude is right.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 4
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/3/2015 8:29:39 PM
Getting closer to 50 y.o. it is not likely that I will marry again.
My girlfriends over recent years have been awesome. One might have been the proverbial "one that got away" from me. Other than that, it is difficult to envision combining into a single household with someone at this juncture.

There is something nice about having a wonderful partner. Going to her house for a few days. Or her visiting my place for a long weekend. Yet we both have the flexibility of downtime and solitude. In my geographical area this seems to be a pretty common mindset among both genders.

Great thread you have started, Qura. Very interesting.
Good luck and have fun with whatever path you choose.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 5
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/3/2015 8:41:36 PM
I have to agree with Clooney and Eric, above. Great post, great subject.

I am 64 years old, and have been single for the last 5 years, after a 27 year marriage. I believe that I very well may find someone with whom I would spend the rest of my life. Emphasis on “may”, not a certainty, and not something that I’m losing sleep over. I meet women, go out on dates, and let life proceed at it’s own pace. I met one lady in the last 5 years that just might have worked out, but … (Don’t you just hate that word, “but”?)

I think you need to be open to all of the possibilities that life may offer you. Don’t lose sleep worrying about whether you will have another “true love”. But if it should come along, will you be ready? Or will you be afraid, and defensive, and miss your chance?
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/3/2015 9:18:18 PM

How many people have you met throughout your life that you know, from the perspective of now, were really, really special?


Everyone I've been with has been really, really special.


Enough that you feel your odds are good for the future?


I really don't think that way, I'm more of a in the day, month, year kind of person. I'm pretty laid back, without expectations (but not without baseline requirements and limits). I can connect with all different types of people, so I don't see a problem with having that as a very basic form of companionship in the future. You could say that people who don't expect much don't get much, but it could also be that people who don't expect much are happier with the sweet surprises they are given.


So few you despair, or, like me, feel grateful you are happy alone?


I don't know what it's like to be alone. I've never really been completely alone.


What, if any, changes do you see yourself making to bring your odds in line with your wishes?


None. I am happy with the people I have come across or who have been put in my path. I am hopeful that will continue. If it doesn't, then I will reach out.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 7
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/3/2015 10:00:22 PM
I know my prospects are limited, and not by the obvious, but because I'm just not interested in much of what it takes to be a couple. I don't treat people badly, I'm very nice to them, but I need them to back away for long periods of time. I wouldn't mind finding someone who could blend in with me, but I'm not holding my breath and I'm not lonely, if I'm not in a couple for the rest of my life, oh well, I've been coupled before, I'm not feeling like I'm missing anything.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 8
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 1:03:37 AM

How many people have you met throughout your life that you know, from the perspective of now, were really, really special? Enough that you feel your odds are good for the future?
Honestly? Only two. And I think only one of those would have been viable as far as true compatibility. The other I felt was a soulmate type of connection, but it just never got off the ground.

So few you despair, or, like me, feel grateful you are happy alone?
I don't despair, but it does make me wonder about me. A lot. I'm not grateful to be happily alone either, I'd rather make the necessary adjustments that will allow me to attract what I truly desire.

What, if any, changes do you see yourself making to bring your odds in line with your wishes?
Great question. I know that I need to get past my 'too independent' thing. It's not something I want to continue, but the grooves are deep on this one. To put myself out there more- it's way too easy for me to be a hermit/loner and do my own thing. I would also like to allow myself to reach out and rely on others more- that does not come naturally for me, but I think it would help. It's almost like I don't know how to connect without the aspect of dealing with another's issues and relating on that level. That's just what I grew accustomed to, and it has made me incredibly tired.

But I have done a lot of self improvement and healing over the years. So I have far less issues than I ever used to and would prefer a man who is as committed to personal development and such as I. I feel like I need a paradigm shift, I'm just not sure what will bring that into being yet.

This seems fitting:

“Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find
all the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it.”

~Rumi
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 9
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 3:18:27 AM

I guess it's because I'm not really that interested in making sacrifices and compromises for someone unless I am truly head-over-heels about him.


THAT!

My view? Happiness is fleeting, circumstantial and momentary. CONTENTMENT is the essence of a good life. What will make someone part of my contentment at this age is very different from what it was in my earlier days. There is nothing wrong with being alone. But you never know. I met a couple who met when they were both 62. They married a year later and were married until he died 21 years later. Go with the flow, whether single or not, and enjoy yourself as much as possible. whether sitting alone in your robe watching movies all weekend or going to a concert and dancing like no one is watching, alone or with a date or partner.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 6:37:34 AM
Thanks to everyone for making this a really thought-provoking read. Some of you said things I thought about writing in the original post, and others added perspectives I had not considered. I have to wonder how we would have answered 10, 20, or even 30 years ago--I like to visit my "inner twentysomething" every so often, and I know she would have given a very different answer! Thank goodness for the opportunity to grow older and gain perspective!
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 11
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 7:58:28 AM


I have to wonder how we would have answered 10, 20, or even 30 years ago--I like to visit my "inner twentysomething" every so often, and I know she would have given a very different answer!


The prospect of being single at this age and questioning whether a relationship would not even have crossed my mind. For me I would say I never thought about it that deeply. The assumption was marriage and children would come in its own time.
In my mid 30's I left a 10 year relationship then spent the next 10 years working and racing without more than a random thought of dating. I had already given up the idea of being a father, age and a certain amount of selfishness brought me to that decision. In my few moments of soul searching I just assumed someone would come along or it would not be that hard to find someone when I was ready. I sit here laughing at how that worked out. LOL
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 7:59:44 AM
I have to agree a bit with a couple different posters.

I am content regardless of my relationship status - that's how I have always been. While I am fine single, I am open to more - but I won't bend over backwards or become someone I am not or date people I'm not really really into to avoid being single.

The word alone to me means isolation - the absence of living things, so I have never really been alone. I can't say I am good with it really as it's never happened - have I felt alone? Sure but not related to my love life. I have been single for years but I don't see single as alone. I have found few guys in my life that I was really gaga over and as I get older for some reason I feel that there will be less to come. But I'm not worried about that for any reason - I know myself, I like what I like - and being without is fine if I don't cross paths with what I like.

Relationships to me are not so much about me wanting to be with "someone", but more in relation to a specific person in my life if and when they are.

I also don't think much about it either until someone brings it up here or in conversation at some point.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 13
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 9:01:46 AM
I have spent the majority of my adult Life being single...Never had kids....and had my career derailed so MANY times that I'm exhausted at trying to "rebuild" on a regular basis....

As I mentioned in the other thread...maybe I'm too picky...but then again, looking at my ex's I think ...NAH that can't be the case...lol
Being single for me is nothing new and I've never been able to relate to those folks who seem to have such a difficult time with it...
I find that being around ANYONE all of the time is extremely stressful, I'm pretty sensitive to other people's energy, so being alone is actually quite soothing....

My most recent attempt to "try again", albeit with an ex, just reminded me of all that I DON'T want in my Life anymore and it seems that for me, that's what is available/all I see...

I've done the therapy and the workshops and read ALL of the self-help books and frankly, the way I see it, if I'm NOT "getting it" by now...chances are, I never will...

So it's a good thing that I like being alone....Just wish I could move somewhere that I could get another dog for companionship...
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 14
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 9:30:52 AM

What do you think your odds are?

What day is it?
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 15
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 9:40:56 AM
Just like when I choose to play the lottery.....I don't think about the odds.....just what winning would mean! :)
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 9:52:56 AM
I'd put things a little differently.

As I have gone through life and suffered or enjoyed what I have, I have learned that I had to narrow my list of what is acceptable, or worth the risk, but I don't view that as reducing my chances of finding a mate.

I think the exact opposite. What reduced my chances of finding my mate up until now, was my doubts about what I could or should take on. I lost many years of my life in depression and pain, because I was trying to make things work with a bad match.

In other more positivist words, gaining a better understanding of who my mate needs to be, increases the chances I will recognize them when I do run across them.

Am I okay with how narrow a list of possible mates I thus end up with? Hell no, it makes me angry sometimes, frustrated others, resentful against myself, and depressed some days. But it is what it is. There are aspects of a person that are under their control, and there are aspects that are not, no matter what the self-important "life is what you make of it/it's all your fault" egotists might chant.

What I am happy with, is that if I stick to what I do know from what I've been through, when and if I do find the right person, things will be great, because I am who and what I am.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 17
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 10:07:03 AM
I'm with kj on this.

I didn't consider the odds. I told myself that I only needed one and focused on what it would feel like to find that one. In spite of having a pretty good imagination, I could not imagined in my wildest dreams how fun and satisfying it would be on so many levels once I found him. Nor could I have anticipated just what he would be like.

I have some serious quirks and most people want something a little more mainstream, so wondering what my odds were would definitely just have depressed me.

I couldn't have imagined him, exactly how he is, but I imagined what it would be like to be happy in a relationship. He has some characteristics that I never thought were valuable and lacks some I would have wanted. But the overall effect is so fun, stimulating, relaxing, and easy (most of the time -- nothing is like this ALL of the time), and I feel so totally accepted and at the same time challenged to be the best I can be, that I can only bow my head in amazement and gratitude that I met him. We also fill each other's gaps in so many ways, and that's another reason I feel as if the Universe just somehow aligned to make this happen. The whole thing just feels very "right," and it always has, even when we were struggling with certain issues.

I'm also with Igor who said that he focused on becoming the person he would need to be to attract and recognize that great person, if she came into his life.

That's also what I worked on. Self-improvement to be ready and worthy of the great partner I wanted.

Even though I was happy and satisfied with my single life, I knew that there was a big part of me that would feel more fulfilled and complete in a vibrant, dynamic, loving partnership. And I was right about that.

As for how many men I have dated who were really a good fit for me -- one -- this one!
 newdejavu
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 18
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 10:52:06 AM
Good topic, Qura. My baseline is the same as yours, " I expect to be alone", also. Some of this may
be "sour grapes", and some of it is I enjoy my alone time, and, frankly, I tired of negotiating "me time"
in previous relationships. I've tried to live a lifestyle dedicated to personal grown and improvement.

I don't think about what the odds are, per se. It just seems to be conventional wisdom/common sense
that we all face diminishing odds as we age. And, like others have said, we are more set in our ways/
know what we what at 45+, and don't have the need to compromise who we are for the sake of companionship.

As far as how many people one has connected wtih, etc.; I think that also changes as we age. But,
the last 10+ years of being 40+ and single, I will agree with you that it seems more difficult to meet/click
in the dating world. After "x amount" of bad meets/dates, etc, it can get discouraging. However,
it only takes one, and, as my friends keep telling me, "stay open to the possibility" of meeting someone.
And posts like LiliMarleen's msg: 18 above is a very positive reminder that it is possible and does
still happen!!
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 19
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Posted: 1/4/2015 11:22:27 AM
ODDs?
phooey

You just decide.

Depends on if you really want a relationship, not" oh well it would be nice".
If you want one, it will happen.

Who on here has not gotten what they wanted, within reason when they really wanted it bad enough to work/go for it?
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 12/26/2014
Msg: 20
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 12:09:08 PM

I guess it's because I'm not really that interested in making sacrifices and compromises for someone unless I am truly head-over-heels about him.


That is the best description of how I think about finding someone. I have only met two people that I was truly head over heels for after my marriage ended in 2012. One of them proposed to me, and if it hadn't been for the huge age difference (23 years), I would have said yes, because that's how crazy I was about him. The other one was even more intense, and as much as I was truly crazy about him, it was just too exhausting to deal with his issues and worry about his next emotional outbreak. I ended it because I just couldn't deal with his erratic behavior anymore, and he didn't take it too well and totally cut me out of his life. Not how i wanted things to end, would have liked to stay at least on friendly terms and keep him in my life in some form, but he didn't want that.

The people I've met since then have not moved my needle nearly as much as those two did, and I've not been motivated enough to give it any of the dates I've had a serious try beyond the first date. I'll keep looking for that head-over-heels thing.
 TALL_IQ2
Joined: 12/22/2014
Msg: 21
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 12:28:51 PM
Who on here has not gotten what they wanted, within reason when they really wanted it bad enough to work/go for it?

Unless they are "cargo society" natives living on those desert islands and depending on the "cargo ships coming in" to provide them sustenance, stimulation and trinkets,
most people understand they must work to provide for their basic human needs.

Unfortunately, many have been culturally conditioned by media and Western society from childhood to believe in the "Cinderella" or "Snow White" fantasy, that someday their prince will come ( maybe on one of those cargo ships ), so they don't have to make any effort to find a compatible SO, they emotionally feel it "should" just happen eventually...

As the years go by, some may grasp that making the effort to reach out to local single somewhat compatible people is their best option, rather than "despair" over possibly being alone forever...

Most finally may come to understand that Finding and Maintaining a highly compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in this life for most everyone...

When they realize that, then whatever effort is needed to get OUT locally and start socializing today! seems to be worth it, and if made it greatly increases their chances of finding a compatible SO over time. May take weeks, months or years of regular attendance at social events, but most likely will happen!

S
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 22
What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 12:44:49 PM
[I guess it's because I'm not really that interested in making sacrifices and compromises for someone unless I am truly head-over-heels about him.]



.... and he deserves my sacrifices and compromises because there's a great deal of equal respect and admiration for one another.



I just noticed my ex is back on pof. One week after I finally broke up with him when I realized I couldn't depend on him. He knows I was in the hospital yet has not once asked how I am. Here I am battling partial blindness and he's back on here prowling for a new one and even changed his pic to the one I told him that attracted me to him.
Zero respect
So this is what Ive learned....
NEVER fall for someone who doesn't respect you or you can't respect.

My odds?
Given my current situation and how I emotionally feel. It's not so good.
But, at least now I know that if love ever does come my way, because of what I've learned, it would be good because I deserve to ask for nothing less than good. I can now spot the signs aka red flags and know what to do.
I'm ok with that
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 23
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 1:43:02 PM
@charmin...
Can relate a WHOLE bunch with what you shared in the last week or so...
Sorry you got "douched" by this guy...sounds like we have something in common....lol

Good job, keeping your chin up, my own strategy for the time being is to keep my head, down...and wait til I'm in a better place to try again...should I decide to...
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 24
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 4:30:25 PM
Am I okay with how narrow a list of possible mates I thus end up with? Hell no, it makes me angry sometimes, frustrated others, resentful against myself, and depressed some days. But it is what it is


Igor, the thing about that, though, is people are dynamic. You know this.

Signs and symptoms of a certain disease does not always indicate a person has that certain disease.

All those closed doors people have must make walking down the street pretty boring (or, perhaps, worth it to get to directly to the destination). I, personally, am a rambler.

I understand having 'your' own perimeters if someone constantly chooses the same type, but what we miss out on (yes, good and bad) by not, at least, taking a peek in those doors and making sure what we think is in there really is ... or perhaps, not in there.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 25
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What do you think your odds are? Why? Are you o.k. about it?
Posted: 1/4/2015 5:07:39 PM
As the years go by, some may grasp that making the effort to reach out to local single somewhat compatible people is their best option, rather than "despair" over possibly being alone forever..


I absolutely have zero frame reference to understand this. I've always met partners "along the way" in life and have never had anything but chance meeting or intuition guide me. Perhaps it's because (almost) all of my doors are open that people can walk in out out. It doesn't matter WHO steps in front of me or beside me, I see beyond the physical (ok, of course I see the physical, but I recognize the spirit).

As an addition to my post above, at that level, all this 'earthy' things of what they have, do, don't do, baggage, all of that 'stuff' is insignificant, because I know that it is nothing but "stuff" they've collected along the way.

Yes, sometimes it's good to empty out your pockets, but sometimes it's good to take the stuff out and show them to someone, even if it's "stuff" that is a burden, but you keep with you. It is offering a glimpse of the things collected along the road traveled. I'm ok if people want to keep their "stuff" in their pockets while we walk. It's not my burden to carry or choice to keep. I have my own stuff I keep close to me or finally, casually, drop along the wayside.


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