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 fisherdad64
Joined: 12/23/2014
Msg: 1
What could I / should I have done?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I dropped the ball bad, will need to learn from this as I move on. Hoping you fine people can offer some guidance.

A couple of years ago I had met a very fine lady on this site. We connected immediately and essentially she was everything I had been seeking, and it appeared she felt the same. Match made in heaven, right?

Here is where things went south. I am an extrovert. She was a shy introvert. I am chatty and social and can talk up a storm with strangers anywhere. She is quiet and silent and doesn't really speak much about anything.

I talk to strangers at restaurants and bars and movie lineups and sitting next to me at sports. She smiles and watches. I talk about the past and future and debate current events yet she has no opinion on anything.

Before you jump down my throat, understand we connected on a high level as it felt awesome to be in her presence. It was comforting to be together for both of us.

And she was no mute. We did have good conversations and fun times and great loving and her friends and family liked me and mine liked her.

But when in the car she would silently sit and stare out the window and only reply with simple one word yes/no answers whenever I said something. I expected a "No, because...", and it was NO once too many and I lost it on her, we fought, she cried, and we broke up. That was November. She is gone, the end.

I know I will meet new people for sure and some may be silent partners like her. What can I do/should I do so as not to repeat this mistake again? Or is it doomed, introverts and extroverts just don't mix for the long run?
 TALL_IQ2
Joined: 12/22/2014
Msg: 3
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 3:39:01 PM
I dropped the ball bad, will need to learn from this as I move on. Hoping you fine people can offer some guidance.


More info helps us fine armchair therapists here diagnose.

About two years for that relationship? Then you both became comfortable enough to express your differences, which resulted in a yelling session fight and breakup?

One to two years is about the average length of most relationships these days, for that reason that the infatuation wears off about then and both people may have relaxed enough to say what they really feel, even the "silent partner", often much to the surprise of the more dominant partner.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 4
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 3:42:51 PM
You said you had some good conversations and fun times and you couldn't accept her for who she really was, despite saying that she was everything you were seeking. So what the hell were you doing, abusing her? I think you are the one with problems. SHe is a sensitive soul and we are not all brash and out there like you. I think she may be better off without you. I think there was more to it than you are saying.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 5
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 3:57:49 PM
Maybe yes or no answers were all she could fit in between your self-proclaimed non-stop chatter?? Yelling at a person for giving a yes or no answer to a question in a vehicle?...but the rest of the time you had great conversations? Me thinks a lot is being left out of the story. It's generally the case here.
 CuriousInDB
Joined: 7/12/2014
Msg: 6
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 4:09:39 PM

So what the hell were you doing, abusing her? I think you are the one with problems


Doesn't take Petula long.

So clearly abuse. Obvious when I reached the end of his post. Two years and you're harboring hostility to such a degree that you can't contain yourself and


and it was NO once too many and I lost it on her


"Lost it on her"? Would you mind providing the full definition of "lost it" as it pertains to this particular time that you "lost it"?


What could I / should I have done?


Thanks for asking.

You could have grown up a long time ago and learned to stop avoiding conflict and develop some healthy adult coping mechanisms so as not to become an abuser.

You're welcome.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 7
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 4:11:47 PM
I am a chatterbox so understand your situation.
Have been told I can talk underwater with a mouthful of marbles.

People like us will fill silence with words.
People like her revel in the silence and find our constant chattering annoying.

To what was she saying No?

Yelling at anyone is bad.
Yelling at someone who wants to enjoy peace and quiet is a deal breaker.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 8
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 4:19:05 PM
You're an arrogant, controlling, and selfish **stard. You destroyed a relationship because of these unappealing characteristics; not because she is an introvert.

What I think you should do is see a psychologist -- better yet, a prison cell.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 9
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What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 4:23:29 PM
I see two major problems that led to your break up. She either accepted you as you are, or she suffered through it, while you became more & more annoyed that she was who she is. The second thing, the one that was unacceptable & abusive, is that you attacked her for being herself and got aggressive and good for her for seeing that and leaving, for good. Both of these problems seem to be on you.

What can you do, well you could get help with why you lash out like that, it's not okay to start yelling at someone because they are quite by nature. What did you think she would do, suddenly see the light and become more like you? She was in a lose/lose situation. If you do not want to get help with your anger, then stick with finding women who can give back as good as you give.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10
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What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 4:35:19 PM
Okay, instant analysis it is.

Here's what I see:

You are chatty and hyperactive.

You are VERY pleased with yourself for being so chatty.

You clearly see "chatting" as being an indicator of far more than just social blather for the sake of filling the time in lines and other times of waiting, you see it as something inherently meaningful about yourself.

The fact that she doesn't respond in the same way you want everyone to do, causes you to conclude that she is resisting or disrespecting you or failing to appreciate you. That's why you "lost it."

Obviously, you do NOT need to ask if it's just that "introverts and extroverts just don't mix ," because that's not the problem.

You are NOT an extrovert. You think you are, because you only think as far as surface things, and think "chatty with strangers = extrovert." That's incorrect.

You have an emotional hunger for constant positive feedback. When you don't get it, you become angry, just as hyper people who are hungry for food do.

If I were a psych major instead of an Historian who reads lots of other stuff as well, I might suggest you read up about narcissism.

What you need to do, to prevent yourself from repeating this mess, is to find out why you are behaving so much like a narcissist, and resolve that, so that the hunger for constant positive attention is attenuated.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 11
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What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 4:44:39 PM
OP: Any chance you were the youngest son in your family????


...........................................
 Cycling99
Joined: 12/14/2014
Msg: 12
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 4:56:15 PM
I am not sure your way of looking at it, as introvert-extrovert, is the way to go. It looks a bit more like controlling vs passive-aggressive response to your controlling thing.

But, I hope you learned not to yell at anyone again. In some cases it is better to walk away quietly...
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 13
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 5:15:08 PM

But when in the car she would silently sit and stare out the window and only reply with simple one word yes/no answers whenever I said something. I expected a "No, because...", and it was NO once too many and I lost it on her, we fought, she cried, and we broke up.

What can I do/should I do so as not to repeat this mistake again? Or is it doomed, introverts and extroverts just don't mix for the long run?


How about you quit “losing it” when people don’t behave the way you “expect” them to?

You yelled at her and made her cry. THAT’S your problem…not some imaginary “introverts” v. “extroverts” stuff. Don’t cram people into little boxes to try to control them.

You sound like a mean, demanding, cruel man. It’s like you went out of your way to make her as uncomfortable as possible in public. I bet you totally ignored her when you were socializing with others because you are an extrovert and can’t help it.

I’d be interested to know what YOU think your “mistake” was….?


CuriousInDB:
"Lost it on her"? Would you mind providing the full definition of "lost it" as it pertains to this particular time that you "lost it"?


Good question. Then he says “we” fought, but it’s all her fault for being incompatible with him. WTF. Whadda guy.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 14
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 5:23:18 PM

We connected immediately and essentially she was everything I had been seeking,


so you were seeking to be with a "shy introvert"?


I talk to strangers at restaurants and bars and movie lineups and sitting next to me at sports. She smiles and watches. I talk about the past and future and debate current events yet she has no opinion on anything.


And this is the woman who you say has "everything you've been seeking for"?


And she was no mute. We did have good conversations and fun times and great loving and her friends and family liked me and mine liked her.


Did you have "good conversation" in the presence of company only?


But when in the car she would silently sit and stare out the window and only reply with simple one word yes/no answers whenever I said something. I expected a "No, because...", and it was NO once too many and I lost it on her,


a Yes/No reply is not the hallmark of a good conversationalist, but
Nonetheless it was not at all cool of you to go-off on her for just giving you a one word answer
You should have been astute enough to try find out why she was "clamming-up" on you all this time, and not just ascribe it to her being introverted. She obviously had issues she was grappling with in some unknown way.


What can I do/should I do so as not to repeat this mistake again?


I'm gonna stop short of calling you an "abuser' (like some of the ladies here have immediately tarred you as)
or diagnosing you as a narcissist; as we don't have enough data to make these determinations.

What you need to do is to truly take stock in what type of person you really are
what your strong and weak points are
How much say your Ego has in relationship situations, etc

You might consider getting some counseling to find out more about yourself
In doing so; you will know far better on what to do to avoid repeating any mistakes.
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 15
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 5:25:47 PM

But when in the car she would silently sit and stare out the window and only reply with simple one word yes/no answers whenever I said something. I expected a "No, because..."
Did you ask her for further explanation when she said, "no"? Did you ever learn how to ask open-ended questions that require a multi-word response instead of a yes/no question? "What would you like to eat?" vs "Do you want pizza?"

In the future, inform your partner of your expectations. If you expect her to further explain her responses, then tell her that. If you expect her to talk to you for the duration of a car ride, then tell her that. You can't get mad at your partner for not living up to the expectations they didn't even know you had for them.

As a quiet lady myself, I have plenty of opinions. I just often prefer to get lost in my own thoughts than debate every single topic with everyone and their grandmother. "Debates" from "chatty" people can get very heated and I'd rather not get into a fight with a complete stranger about something I don't particularly care about in the first place. She may have been the same way. Future partners may be the same way. Quiet =/= lack of opinion.

And her perceived silence may have been a direct result of you making her uncomfortable. Maybe in your desire to talk to strangers while out in public, you ignored her. Maybe you threw her under the bus while speaking to these other talkative strangers ("oh, don't bother asking Sarah what she likes, she's not going to care.").

If you really need that much positive feedback, find an equal. It sounds like a listener/thinker is not the type of partner for you. There are plenty of chatty Kathys out there; date one of them instead.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 16
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 5:56:28 PM
OP, what would you have done in the same situation if she "lost it" on you with a barrage of - do you have to yap all the time, can't you just for once shut the fvck up.

See how that works. Maybe work a little bit on your over board enthusiasm . I'm an extrovert too who but I like my quiet times as well, it's learning the time and place thing.

As to automatically going to abuse - pretty stupid.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 17
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:00:52 PM
You sound like a loudmouth, sorry.

If I was out w/ a man & he felt the need to constantly talk to others while w/ me, I'd dump his @ss !

it's just RUDE!
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 18
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:08:19 PM

I am an extrovert. She was a shy introvert. I am chatty and social and can talk up a storm with strangers anywhere. She is quiet and silent and doesn't really speak much about anything.



Match made in heaven, right?


Not hardly.


understand we connected on a high level as it felt awesome to be in her presence.


Unable to see what that "high" level was.


I hope you learned not to yell at anyone again. In some cases it is better to walk away quietly...


What about the other cases?
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 19
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:21:40 PM
understand we connected on a high level as it felt awesome to be in her presence. It was comforting to be together for both of us.


What does that even mean? At some point it became intolerable

It took you a while to figure she was getting annoyed. When I would talk politics, just accidently I would get shit for it, and every time too.

But luckily it wasn't everything I said, hell she wasn't even from this country so it was stupid. Just an really passionate thought expressed


No, because...", and it was NO once too many and I lost it on her, we fought, she cried, and we broke up.


Sounds like you were intolerable at some point. And you just got upset, probably because you couldn't take a hint.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 20
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What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:40:38 PM
You knew the scheme of things and how to get along with her. By blowing up at her, you broke one of the rules that kept you together. Not everyone likes to sit and listen to someone that holds court. And chance are, there were times that she couldn't give a rap about what you might be talking about. Generally, I have found that those who "Hold Court", don't listen. Ever wonder what she may have said to you during your ramblings? Would you even remember? Or did you ever give her a chance to get a word in? How many times did you just flat ignore her during your times together, while talking frivolous bull to someone else?

Introverts who think, and reason things out with thought, sometimes look at extroverts and decide that they aren't important enough to be around them. You, I think, missed some important cues that made her feel left out. Maybe it's time to change the batteries in your hearing aid, and start listening. Or better yet, shut your big baz-zoo once in a while.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 21
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Posted: 1/5/2015 8:09:37 PM

Or is it doomed, introverts and extroverts just don't mix for the long run?

Yes.

Oops! I just remembered that you hate one word answers.

Sorry
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 22
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Posted: 1/5/2015 9:01:06 PM
I was in a similar relationship. He was charming, outgoing, chatty, and OVERBEARING. If I did offer an opinion, he would shoot me down. After a while I gave up offering opinions.
He always asked me where I wanted to go out to eat. Blech, I didn't really want to go out, he did. He never noticed it was always his suggestion, and he overruled my idea to eat in, with me doing all the cooking. Then when I tried to tell him he was overbearing, he brought up that he always asked my opinion about what restaurant to go to, while failing to acknowledge that I'd rather eat in. Of course, we are no longer dating.

So what should you do? Stop talking so much, listen, acknowledge, agree sometimes.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 23
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What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/6/2015 4:53:32 AM

Before you jump down my throat, understand we connected on a high level as it felt awesome to be in her presence. It was comforting to be together for both of us.


If she held "no opinions", I'm just gonna go ahead and assume that "higher level" means the sex was good, right???
lol

Yeah, sounds like a classic case of what attracted you now repels you...
Bet you thought she was a "good listener" when you first met her, right?

Because NOTHING an "extrovert" loves MORE than a willing audience....

But then as predictable as the sun rising tomorrow, you discovered that monologues aren't as much fun as you thought and you can't spend EVERY minute in bed, so you started to get frustrated....
You obviously have few good relationship skills so you "lost it" and now you lost HER....

Hope you learned something from the experience....
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/6/2015 5:07:46 AM
There are times when a man should just stop talking and start listening.

Even if it is just silence.

Over the years I had to figure this out myself, offering words of wisdom(info) when none are needed. Many times all a individual needs is for the other to just "be". Like a shoulder to lean on.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 25
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Posted: 1/6/2015 6:32:56 AM
I am good friends with one of these 'extroverts' I have to remind him before parties and most social events that if the person he is talking to has not said anything in 2-3 minutes then he is probably lecturing rather than having a discussion. Conversations require equal input, they are not soap boxes for your opinions or for non stop running commentary. What is every airline travelers worst nightmare? Does the shoe fit?

My advice would be that when you are with someone on a date that your attention should be on them, not a stranger in the next chair or the guy behind you in line at the movies. You call yourself an extrovert but I bet behind your back friends refer to you as long winded. You do not need to fill every gap with chatter it is annoying and very presumptuous to think people always want to hear you ramble.
The most interesting and charming people in the world know how to engage others, not monopolize the spotlight. You got angry that she was not responding to you, I bet she had gotten to a point that she knew her thoughts were only going to be stepped on by you. Her take away will be, he was a lovely man but he never shut up.
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 26
What could I / should I have done?
Posted: 1/6/2015 8:05:55 AM
My first very serious boyfriend was an extreme extrovert spoke to everyone. I was the introvert and good listener. However since I wasn't a clone of his personality than I was the mentally ill one therefore I deserved verbal abuse. I use to get into a car with him and he never had his pie hole shut. Then he'd criticize that I never talked as much. When I did talk about something he had no knowledge of it because looking back he really had nothing interesting to say because he yapped to just yap all his waking hours. What extroverts don't understand is that not all people are clones of their personality. Frankly at first I found Ken's yappy personality endearing and fun because chatty men are so rare and his personality was so different. Then after his non acceptance of what I was reared its ugly head I disconnected from the relationship. If you cannot take the silence for whatever reason or problem you have don't try to belittle or change someone because you want a clone of yourself. Your insecurities were never her problem they were yours.
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