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 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 1
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Back-story:
- Hit it off with fellow loud, outspoken, no-filter, laid-back, non-sensitive woman.
- We were ga-ga about each other -- 1st date from 6:30-11:30pm on Tuesday night; made out like rabbits in parking lot
- Talked about dating, sex, etc. All over each other 1st date
- She went out of town NYE to come back on Sunday night. Changed plans to come back early to go out on Sat night date with me
- We were both ga-ga about each other. Like a sigh of relief -- no 'nervous 2nd date' feeling or anything
- She comes over to my place (she loves it), kisses me in doorway, and we go to a restaurant on Sat night @7pm

She told me a story about a great 1st date with a guy (kinda like us) -- and on the 2nd date he asked her if she ever slept with a guy outside a Relationship. She said she has, and he got really uppity and non-liking of her, as if it was some awful sin. It totally changed things, she said. Made it real awkward by how he was responding and acting about it. After the date he still chased her and said he could forgive her for her past misdeeds, which obviously scared her away from him even more -- understandably. We both laughed. (That part will be relevant in the end).

But upon leaving the restaurant at 9pm on this Saturday night, I maybe felt a little less "vibe". Maybe I was over-thinking it. My stomach didn't feel great, but whatever. We hit it off so well to establish our ground, I mean, I had to be over-thinking.

We get to my place, she sits on the couch -- and again, the physical vibe may have seemed to be lacking a bit. She was rambling and leading the convo, and of course I added into things too. She wasn't at all touchy feely like I would have assumed and like she was on the 1st date, and she was texting her kids during the date a bit. I think with me feeling a bit out of it and her strong outward persona, I wasn't going to push it or anything so quickly.

She then talks about people Separated with some story of hers -- and then asks if I ever dated anyone Separated. With this kinda-lacking vibe that I felt slightly, I just blurted out that yes, I did. I explained a couple funny stories of a few gals I dated who were -- but they were Separated for a Long Time, living in different residences, etc... and the issues of me not wanting to get serious when 2 of them didn't even file for divorce! And pretty much that closed the book on them.

She then tells me that dating someone while Separated is Cheating. I said no, it's not -- I don't want to be an accomplice to cheating -- as in some states it Can be, but if Both people decide & agree to be Separated which allows one to date others -- and live apart and have been Separated for over a year -- no, that's not cheating. She said yes it is! I said, "How?" She said it's marriage -- it's in the vows! I said, yeah, but an official legal piece of paper changes it -- just like Divorce papers do. And if in some situation where both people Are dating others and agree to -- how is it cheating on the other? She said she saw my point, but she strongly disagreed. I said Why -- Where is the cheating? How? She said she can't come up with the words. I emphasized that it's weird -- I don't agree with staying in Separation long enough to truly/fully part ways (get the divorce!) -- but it's not Cheating. We both had smiles while doing this, as did she, but I was getting a strange vibe of fake smiles. She hurried out of there, due to kids and all, but it was only nearing 10pm, and as she put it, her kids are "self sufficient" (13 & 11) -- and they were at her GF's who has her kids there, etc -- on a Saturday night. Tuesday night ran 'till 11:30. Huh? She gave no explanation as to Why she had to go...

... but she was physically avoiding me, like to avoid any kiss, ran off -- bye with a smile. Seemed like it could be an act. Didn't hear from her all night via text, or the day day into the afternoon.

So I texted her, with a smiley, and said I kind feel like she did when that one guy thought ill of her for having sex outside a Relationship. She responded by saying yep, things fizzled quick between us, but emphasized that I'm really attractive, have a great personality, but she has certain morals and values in which I'm incompatible with -- and wishes me well. I was WTF. And she wouldn't give me her reason why it's "cheating" either - lol. Wow.

I believe she was making it up/exaggerating about it. I think she was looking for something, shockingly out of the blue, to call it off between us. Maybe it had a slight effect -- and maybe my wacky stories themselves WITH the separated women turned her off. I dunno.

But it brings me to this: Is Dating while Separated Cheating when by legal status it allows you to date/do others -- and when you've been separated for a long time, living apart, and both agreeing between each other to see other people? I can't see how anyone would think it's Cheating. Wierd situation? Sure. Actual *cheating*? That requires you to short-change somebody. I could see it being arguably Cheating if only *1* person wants to be separated and the other person doesn't. But that's not the case there.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 2
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/5/2015 10:43:56 PM
Well if im honest, and I should be, im divorced - although I have an annulment in progress so no harm no foul once its all said and done.

I don't see how its cheating, but if they have some moral imperative with religion or the sanctity of marriage. Then yeah they're probably going to be upset.

And that condition doesn't apply, separation is separation - took a heavy loss that way. Lucky I got the get out of marriage free ticket because of the timeline of events and what transpired.

But this girl that I met on here (who I wasn't messing around with at the time) got upset when my brother let on to that fact. Which was odd, considering she left me, and this after telling her im able to file for annulment. Its just easier than explaining the whole thing.

----------


Yeah its probably in relation to being cheated on by a married man, that's where she is prolly drawing a negative parallel.

Yeah theres just a stigma attached to divorce, that's why im reluctant to tell the truth about that.
Because she left me in a psych ward, after she told me to go in or she would leave me. And caused me to withdraw from the semester - leading to a debt of about 5000 dollars that I had to

Which ironically enough since I got married around the time I got back from deployment and was diagnosed as unhappy ya know annulment.

But yeah stigma is bad news, seems like old religious practice is keeping us down.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 3
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/5/2015 10:55:31 PM

I don't see how its cheating, but if they have some moral imperative with religion or the sanctity of marriage. Then yeah they're probably going to be upset.

She's not overtly religious (that I could read; see her story about having sex outside Relationship as kosher). Her husband cheated on her (before any separation or filing for divorce). I think that stings her there. She never mentioned the God concept. But also I was going with the philisophical concept of Cheating -- it requires you to do something behind the other's back -- not an agreed upon thing.

I got the impression she may have been shocked that I dated women separated, and me chuckling about some of those stories, she tuned me out inside her head and got some Very false impression that those were good dating situations due to me saying that No, that's not cheating in those situations. I pointed out that it's Their Marriage -- it's between them as to what Cheating is... and I think a legal piece of paper, agreed terms of dating others, and being truly separated & living apart for 1+ years is a pretty Solid jump from any gray area.
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 4
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/5/2015 11:16:49 PM

But it brings me to this: Is Dating while Separated Cheating when by legal status it allows you to date/do others -- and when you've been separated for a long time, living apart, and both agreeing between each other to see other people?


In this situation, as you have explained it, imo it is not cheating.

However, I do not think you put her off with your stance on whether or not ,“Dating while separated” is cheating. I think she was speaking of herself; that she is probably married and separated. Or she quickly sized you up and came to the conclusion that you are not husband/daddy material. I don’t see how the story she told you about the guy  (kinda like us) was relevant.

Don’t expect too much from non-sensitive women.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 5
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/5/2015 11:20:46 PM

I think she was speaking of herself; that she is probably married and separated.

No -- she's been divorced for years, with 2 kids. Her husband cheated on her and she filed for divorce. I don't see why if she was married/separated that she'd claim that me dating married/separated women would be the woman cheating (and me an accomplice). :)
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 6
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/5/2015 11:44:46 PM

claim that me dating married/separated women would be the woman cheating (and me an accomplice). :)


She wants to see you as a badazz? And I’ll bet you are…just a little. :)
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 7
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/5/2015 11:51:27 PM
He surfs kites, I wouldn't get in that thing for any reason. Pretty sure you can get jacked up pretty easy
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 8
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 2:01:10 AM
Is separation a legal status; it isn't in my state, and it's only recognized when a couple file a petition for divorce and are separated while the dissolving of the marriage is in progress. (Some couples live apart; others don't-- and this is one of the reasons why it gets sticky and confusing for outsiders considering relationships with them.) Once a divorce is granted, there is a 90 period of recess until it becomes finalized; and it's expected in that time, all arrangements for finances and children are resolved, including reconsideration of the divorce. (I'm not appraised of the policies of other jurisdictions.)

How a couple decides to use their periods of separation (whether they're actively seeking divorce through the courts or not) is another thing; and there may be an agreement to see other people, in them. That doesn't mean the separated couple won't reconcile, in that period, leaving their respective partners to "pick up the pieces."

There are also very special cases of separated people who can't become technically divorced -- but have moved on from a spouse that I understand. Is it cheating when people in this situation date? It's reasonable to say that it isn't, so long as they're not romantically involved with the former. This isn't cheating; but it isn't a situation suitable for somebody who wants marriage.

If one party considers themselves separated, unbeknownst to the other, then yes, it's clearly cheating. Of course, if if the two separated people have romantic interludes unbeknownst to the other people with whom they have established relationships and believe in the separated person's monogamy and commitment, yes, that's cheating, too.
Is it lying and cheating if a man claims he is divorced, but he is only separated? Yes! It's cheating me out of the right to make an informed choice about with whom I should spend my time.

This is where the discussion diffuses.

I believe that not all separated people possess and enforce this self-proclaimed status to worm their way into people's lives and out of the responsibility to their active spouses, soon-to-be formers, formers, and are living devoid of moral turpitude. However, that said, my incontrovertible decisions are these: I won't consider a separated man. I won't consider a man whose divorce isn't absolute. I won't consider dating a man who hasn't been divorced for at least a year, as so there is enough time for him to work through his stuff with his former wife, and so on.

The confusion and the dissolution of boundaries may be why she cooled her heels. I'm also receiving mixed messages from your post, and the general interaction between you both, as you've described. Her reaction to you and separation in general are what confound and also separate this situation into two distinct discussions, with plots and twists of which I would not like to entertain, in this post.
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 9
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Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 3:04:13 AM
I think it is a cop out. If this was really an issue with her, you would think it would have been brought up on the first date when you talked about dating, sex, etc.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 10
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Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 3:50:48 AM
I think the whole thing sounds like B.S., myself...

Sounds like a case of "distract and conquer", as in bring up a "moral dilemma" take the opposing view and then make that the reason to bail...

Wouldn't waste a lot of time pondering the situation or anything that she brought up, frankly...

Also, I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that she was actually texting that other guy when she was with you and probably even went and met him afterward...

People can do really sh!tty things sometimes....
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 11
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 4:33:32 AM

But it brings me to this: Is Dating while Separated Cheating when by legal status it allows you to date/do others -- and when you've been separated for a long time, living apart, and both agreeing between each other to see other people? I can't see how anyone would think it's Cheating. Wierd situation? Sure. Actual *cheating*? That requires you to short-change somebody. I could see it being arguably Cheating if only *1* person wants to be separated and the other person doesn't. But that's not the case there.

Once either spouse lives separately, no.

Guess what many men PREFER dating separated...so they won't be pressured for marriage.

I've met divorced/widowed men who were so emotionally attached to their previous spouse, they were more married than a separated person.

As far as the morality...look at all the married people who have affairs...

For what ever reason, she cooled her jets on the 2nd date.
 Debisue64
Joined: 1/19/2014
Msg: 12
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Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 4:40:16 AM
I do not feel its cheating when that person is separated!

For one.. you did not enter into any marriage vows.. its all on the other participant.

But with that being said... the separated one still has loose ends to conquer.. and that is all on her or (him)

Morality .... its a joke. I feel I am a good person.. with good intentions.. but when my marriage ended and I was living alone.. I had the right to do whatever I pleased..... Even looking for someone new.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 13
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 5:13:52 AM
No, I don't think dating while separated is cheating.

But I don't judge people who do cheat while being married, it's their life. I would never cheat while being married, but while I was single I wouldn't turn down a married woman because she was married. She is an adult and makes her decisions about her own morality, I make mine. So I am unusually liberal about this, most POF are much more conservative sexually and morally about cheating. It's wrong to cheat on your spouse, but I don't consider facilitating the cheating by being a party to it to be morally wrong for me.

I don't think I would date while being separated, only because it would take time away from finalizing the divorce. But I have never been "separated" for any length of time.

I think a lot of people on the forums are here because their spouse cheated on them, so it makes them supersensitive about cheating. Most people are quick to judge other people, and slow to judge themselves as harshly.

In the future if I were single I would likely avoid any married / attached women because I like to spend the weekend and the nights in bed, take trips, etc, they generally can't do that and there are plenty of free swimming fish in the sea.

As far as the woman you dated, likely she is also supersensitive about this issue of sexuality while being married (regardless of separation) do to her past experiences.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 14
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 5:56:16 AM
My opinions about the grey areas of separation are just opinions. I'm strict about inviting separated people, in my life, for practical reasons, as I've stated above. I quite resent being referred to as hyper sensitive when I speak in a matter of fact fashion. Whatever my experiences are or not, I am well within my right to engage in a mature discussion without being labeled and silenced, in this manner.

Now, is cheating a crime of moral turpitude? In some jurisdictions it is and others are not. Is separation such a crime, in itself? No. It serves a practical purpose and so long as everybody involved is in agreement with the separation, it's fine -- but it isn't necessarily a legal status. There are steps in between one must make before anything is legal. Does the dissolving of boundaries cause problems personally? Yes. It can, if people aren't entirely honest with themselves and each other. This is not a strictly black and white issue, and one that I doubt the OP really wanted to examine for the sake of knowledge.

Adults have to make their own choices and accept the consequences, thereof. If you want to see a married or separated person, go for what you know and be happy. Should I be compelled to do the same? No.

Whatever is the case, the date's reasons for arbitrarily broaching this subject, to me, are ones of which I wish not to entertain in great detail, and it's pointless. It could have been the brush off or a symptom of a more serious problem, for all I know. Should the OP give this person and a couple of meets a second thought? No. It's unnecessary. Just as I think the original post was unnecessary, since it seems the intent of it was to read people's minds and to examine separation under a microscope, to discover the reasons why she pulled some arbitrary topic out of her ass and started an argument with it. It doesn't make sense.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 15
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Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 5:56:48 AM

You just can't extrapolate a future with someone based on 5 hours of ga-ga.


A-MEN!!!!!
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 16
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 6:11:59 AM

You just can't extrapolate a future with someone based on 5 hours of ga-ga.


You just can't extrapolate a future with someone with out ga-ga either.

Ga-ga makes the world go round!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 6:22:27 AM
Eternityboresme covered all the nuances in a top notch way, nothing to add to that.

As to the exact incident that triggered your thread, OP, I also see a story of a particular woman who came to the date with some unresolved issues brewing like a storm in the back of her mind. In my experience, people get the most self-righteous, not about things they are sure of, but about things they have doubts about, and are fearfully fighting to force themselves to adhere to anyway.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 18
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 6:24:19 AM
My opinions about the grey areas of separation are just opinions. I'm strict about inviting separated people, in my life, for practical reasons, as I've stated above; and I resent being referred to as hyper sensitive when I speak in a matter of fact fashion. Whatever my experiences are or not, I am well within my right to engage in a mature discussion without being labeled and silenced, in this manner.


I assume you are posting about what I said.

I thought your MSG 8 was a well reasoned post about the topic of cheating / dating someone that was separated and why you wouldn't consider dating a man that was separated or recently divorce. It didn't seem judgmental, only stating your preference for reasons that seemed reasonable.

I do think you are hyper- vigilant to the extent of being militant about anyone infringing on your "right" to post your thoughts. What gave you the idea that it was about you, or that people who really are super sensitive about cheating don't have the right to post their feelings? When I posted, I was thinking about those threads that are about cheating and how some posters say things like once a cheater always a cheater, it's a despicable betrayer of trust, etc etc.

Examining the motivations people have behind their feelings doesn't mean that I think they aren't entitled to how they feel about any subject. I get curious about anyone's "hot buttons" it always means something about their past.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 19
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 6:27:54 AM
Don't conclude that it's "always" about their past. People need to freely make their points without being labeled as "hypersensitive" or "must be something about their past," because it invalidates their intention as to why they're making their point. Hyper-vigilance? Perhaps. I take it personally and at the same time, I don't, because it's a bigger problem beyond my own life.

People need to make that determination for themselves, when discussing, and from where they're coming, well, only they know.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 20
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 6:47:44 AM

Don't conclude that it's "always" about their past. People need to freely make their points without being labeled as "hypersensitive" or "must be something about their past," because it invalidates their intention as to why they're making their pint,

People need to make that determination for themselves, when discussing, and from where they're coming, well, only they know.


If I was chatting with someone IRL I wouldn't tell them I was looking at what made them so sensitive about a particular subject. Telling them that would shut them down. But I would still look to see what made them react so strongly.

Of course it's all about your past, it doesn't have to be a personally traumatic event, it could be the person was raised by German nuns and had a stricter moral code.

But everything about our current selves is a reflection of our past experiences, our genetics and upbringing.

You really can't think that anyone on this forum is going to not express their opinions because I think they are hypersensitive. I seldom tell people even on a forum and on this thread no one was being overly sensitive, so I felt it was easy to make that statement.

I do make a determination of where people are coming from, all the time. It's a part of being able to understand why they are the way they are.
 Onyxbutterflies90
Joined: 10/14/2014
Msg: 21
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Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 7:02:58 AM
I doubt she made it up. The fact you view separation as single would bother me as well. I personally view it as cheating since they're legally married. I would question if you view marriage vows seriously if you would knowingly date a separated person. I would continue getting to know you to see if you truly lacked integrity, but the separation thing would be a red flag. If you had slept with a married person, then it'd be a deal breaker.

She is being a hypocrite since she had a problem with someone else judging her morals, but went ahead and judged you by hers. Sounds like a flake.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 22
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 7:37:16 AM
At least in the region where I come from - separation is part of the process of learning whether or not you should go ahead with the divorce as a next step. Sleeping with or dating others during this time is a hindrance to the purpose of that process.

So while some may not think it's exactly cheating I'd question the mindset and emotional stability of the separated person who can't even get through a legal separation before going on to the next thing.

JMO
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 23
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 8:42:58 AM
CTRLV:
He surfs kites, I wouldn't get in that thing for any reason. Pretty sure you can get jacked up pretty easy

It is fun and dangerous -- and expensive. But I wouldn't say it gives a classical "badazz" flavor. Definitely far apart from the opposite of that -- more like cool, rad, daring, etc.

BlondeAngel:
For what ever reason, she cooled her jets on the 2nd date.

Yeah, that's what I figured. Like Dee pointed out, I think a "divide & conquer" concept was at least partially applied by her. Possibly lying to herself. But also, she seemed frazzled about it -- with smiles and all -- so some of it had affect her. But at the same time, the key is she's a very strong, outspoken, "I can take any joke" + "I'm not sensitive about anything" sorta gal. So I have to believe a "stretching the truth" concept was applied.

Dragon:
I don't think I would date while being separated, only because it would take time away from finalizing the divorce. But I have never been "separated" for any length of time.

I wouldn't date while being Separated, unless I somehow got into a situation where I couldn't file for divorce or I couldn't finalize divorce -- and was Separated for SO LONG, living apart, that in spirit & in reality, we were DONE. At the same time, I wouldn't have expectations in the dating scene of a gal wanting to run off in the sunset with me or anything. Anyway, point being the "ALWAYS" part.

Tickle Me:
OF COURSE it doesn't make any bloody sense. Notice how, when you pressed her on it, SHE couldn't even make it make sense? That's a sign of an emotional issue. She set up an iron clad rule called "dating someone while separated is cheating" (and there are other, side-bar assumptions that come with it) so that she would never have to face her own fear, conflict, whatever.

Very good point. The thing is, this isn't some ditzy gal by any means. She's outspoken, logical, open-minded -- but yeah, that's why it's kind of a shocker. And also why it's like "Hmmm, how much of this is BS to some gal who values brutal honesty?" But yes, it's an emotional chord struck with her. A "just because". Evidence that's an emotional thing she can't explain "but knows it's true".

Too bad you didn't ask her, ever so gently, how she can live with herself as a divorcee if she's making the universe rotate around "it's in the vows". I'd have paid $5 to see the look on her face.

I did point out (didn't want to make my OP a novel) that how can one believe in Divorce, pieces of paper, which affects/changes the marriage contract applied & the Vows -- but Never separation which is also a legal contract that affects/changes the marriage contract applied & the Vows? She said it was a good point, but she couldn't put the "words" together.

You just can't extrapolate a future with someone based on 5 hours of ga-ga.

Well, it was more than 5 hours -- but lots of time before and after -- multiple days, cutting short a NY mini-vaycay with family to land a 2nd date quick, etc. Point being, it was established enough where something non-threatening wouldn't make someone Run. Where, if there was something Questionable -- they wouldn't punt-n-run -- especially with her having such an outspoken and "I tell it how it is" mindset (as do I). And NO, I would not "want her back" -- heck no.

Eternity:
Should the OP give this person and a couple of meets a second thought? No. It's unnecessary. Just as I think the original post was unnecessary, since it seems the intent of it was to read people's minds and to examine separation under a microscope, to discover the reasons why she pulled some arbitrary topic out of her ass and started an argument with it. It doesn't make sense.

Well, should it linger in my mind indefinitely? No, not at all. But it's good to learn from "wtf" experiences -- to make sure you yourself aren't mislabeling the reasons, so you learn from it. Plus, it's kind of entertaining to think about as well. It'd be one thing if that didn't trigger anything with her and she just left (she was texting her son a good amount when finishing up at the restaurant) -- and later said "She wasn't feeling it". Still a "wtf" in some sense, but it is what it is. But to claim it was due to me having dated someone separated & living apart for years -- and saying she has morals & values that can't go with that -- when she is divorced & laughs with me about folks who think having sex outside a relationship is bad? That's the "Hmm, am I missing something here?"

Onyxbutterflies: Okay, this is what I was wanting to see posted...!
The fact you view separation as single would bother me as well. I personally view it as cheating since they're legally married.

First, I think Separation *can* be seen as pretty much Single. No, not always. Many people don't linger in Separation for so long and live apart, etc. Thru my past experiences, I learned not to date separated people. My references to it on the level of "dating choices that were unwise". Her issue was that it's cheating. They are legally married but the marriage CHANGES -- just like signed Divorce papers changes it (by ending it altogether). And when it's legally changed to SEPARATE (is Separation still included in the vows too?) -- and it being legally OK to date others -- and Both Parties DO date others (that's the key) -- No, it's not cheating. You could say it's not Good to! On board with that. You can say it's best, after several months to file for divorce or end your separation. Yep! Fish or cut bait.

But if you're Lingering in Separation -- fear of Divorce due to drumming up drama with what is now an Ex in spirit -- living in different residences, the other one has a significant other which you don't mind at all, and you date too -- a weird situation? Oh, yes. CHEATING? No. You have it legally on paper, and in spirit, and between the two of you that it's not cheating. That doesn't apply.

She is being a hypocrite since she had a problem with someone else judging her morals, but went ahead and judged you by hers.

But also believing in Divorce -- legal pieces of paper ending the marriage & vows... yet assuming ALL Separation situations are the same (which they are not) -- and thinking that a Separation legal pieces of paper affecting/changing the marriage & vows doesn't EVER apply, but divorce ones do.

I do think it's cheating in spirit, hence being cheating -- if one person throws the Separation on the other -- where one wants it and the other doesn't -- and they start dating others. Or if they both want Separation, but only one person wants to have them Truly SEPARATE, end things in spirit, be divorced in spirit, and date other people. I would say their relationship and Changed Marriage/Relationship is between THEM. And I would say it'd require a lot of Time to elapse in Separation for that to make them truly *separated* -- which IMO, is not a good idea, but that's a whole other ball of wax. My emphasis is "ALWAYS" = cheating.

No. A wife could tell her husband that she wants to bring in the maid for a 3-some. The guy goes "Jackpot!" -- and they all have a 3some. Did they cheat on each other? No. You can criticize doing that -- and not want someone who has or would -- fine. But it's not Cheating on another person when they both agree. If the wife plays poker with her husband, but gives him some of her chips or adds chips to his from the chip-bank -- he's not cheating ON HER in poker. A hardcore poker player may SCOFF at them doing that, but one cheating on the other does not apply.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 24
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 8:49:30 AM
To me it reads like she didn't much care to hear your dating stories.
Not sure why people are calling her a flake, sounds like you turned out not to be who she was ga ga over.
As for the other part of your Q, I think I would base it on time and intent
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 25
Is this the Real reason? And is dating when separated Always = Cheating?
Posted: 1/6/2015 9:00:02 AM
To me it reads like she didn't much care to hear your dating stories.

She was the main talker actually -- bringing up her own, and Questioning me on them. And she kept inquiring about what I mentioned in mine, as I was not rambling on like she was. I wanted to get away from said topics; was kind of a mood killer dragging on; especially when getting back to my place. She may have not liked what she Heard (even apart from the separation concept) -- true. But it Certainly was not a "gawd, this guy is rambling about his dating stories". It wasn't one of those situations, no.

Not sure why people are calling her a flake, sounds like you turned out not to be who she was ga ga over.

I think a flake would be the one who'd play games and lie about the reason(s), instead of "Ya know, just wasn't feeling it." Not put on an act about a concept (that she brought up) and run. Now, there's likely some real legitimacy about her having to go back to her "self sufficient" kids early on a Sat night -- but I believe that was exemplified. One could also say a flake would be hugely ga-ga about someone on the 1st date and everything in-between the 2nd date, but on the 2nd date just for no-real-reason "flake out" on interest.

As for the other part of your Q, I think I would base it on time and intent

Same here. My stance is, is that it'd require Both Parties to Want the Separation, them being separated for a long time + agreeing to see other people as they agree their marriage is "done". Their situation, and what's fair and what's not is up to them .... plus, they have a Legal Standing which Modifies their original marriage which allows it (in most states). I would even just go further and say it'd need to set in over a lot of time + mutual agreement, for it to be able to be Kosher.
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