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 Cycling99
Joined: 12/14/2014
Msg: 2
FriendsPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Yes it is important to have friends, regardless of in a relationship or not. I have several women friends for over 41 years. Used to have several guy friends, but they moved to other parts of the country. However, when they were near we would go bike-riding, play tennis, and go to occasional runs. Stuff to do outside romantic relationship and stuff to talk about afterwards... "my tennis game sucked today...","I kill him today!!!" lol

Maybe there are other reason these men expected more from you? I've noticed some women take a lot more onto themselves as I tend to tell people "you deal with that."

And everyone has friends outside romantic relationships. I believe the issues ur having with men are about something else.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 3
Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 7:31:23 AM
Most older guys who have been married a while & were raising kids have "buddies"- generally after their job, their wife & family (can be parents, brothers & sisters, cousins, etc) leave little room for close friends.

I wouldn't wanna date one of those guys who is always hanging out w/ the guys.

My man has a couple of buddies, me, his family & that is fine w/ me.

Women, on the other hand seem to need MORE socialization...
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 4
Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 7:40:03 AM
I don't want to be joined at the hip and I think its important that both have outside interests and friends. And it needs to be balanced. I want to do things together but I also like doing things on my own. I prefer a guy who has outside interests whether its fishing or going out on an ATV, or plays on a baseball team or hockey team. I think the outside interests make the relationship better. I don't want a total homebody or couch potato that sits and watches sports all weekend.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 5
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Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 9:55:28 AM
It would depend on why they don't have friends or why they do. Some people just can't be alone, that would make me move on quickly, I'm not looking to be someone's entertainment. Some one who doesn't have friends because no one wants to be around them, I'd not want to be with, but someone who is fine with being alone and doing his own thing is a preference for me.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 8
Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 5:20:49 PM
What are these things called friends
I don;t care if he has 160 or a pet nail as long as I get my me time
I have found most people's friends aren't my cuppa.. I'm sure mine are viewed the same
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 9
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Posted: 1/7/2015 5:27:26 PM
Our age group is still dealing with the remnants of more traditional approaches to child-rearing and family life, and a lot of men the ages of our fathers had/have fewer friends, it seems, and very, very few women have *no* friends, while some men seem entirely dependent on their wife/partner for a social life. In fact, it was a common complaint of female friends about a decade older than me, and of women in my mother's circle of friends. These women found their husbands just hated it when she went out with friends--not that it stopped these ladies, although it might have slowed them down a bit. Having to make sure "the hubby" had something to eat and something to do was the wife's job before she went out.

I think a lot of men have friends, so the phenomenon of the "friendless" male is really something on the far end of the spectrum.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 5:34:36 PM
I can count my actual "friends" on one hand. Only one lives in the province that I do. I guess it's all relative of what you define as "friend", doesn't it?????

Many guys don't need a lot of company to do things with. My passion is most enjoyable when I'm alone. I love to fish, amongst everything except humans. Does that make me a bad person, or even a bad partner????? I know I'm weird but, I definitely don't think I'm wrong in not having a million zillion "friends".

From one of my fav authors....

"" I find it wholesome to be alone most of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I have never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude!!!""
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 12
Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 6:20:25 PM
Personally, I think that a guy that has no friends, I would be wary about. That would mean he has no interests or much to say I imagine. You would become the total focus of his life and become way too much of a burden. Even an obsession.

There has to be a problem if someone has absolutely no friends in any case. I can understand that someone may drop their friends once in an exclusive relationship but I would find that also unhealthy. No one person can fulfill all our needs and shouldn't have the pressure, to do so.

I do wonder if you meeting a few guys like this, what is going on?? For me it would be a first date only if I was aware that the guy had no other friends. Where has he been?? In gaol or an institution of some kind?? Is he using a false identity?? Not who he says he is??. If he is out there meeting women then he can't be that shy or introverted.
 TALL_IQ2
Joined: 12/22/2014
Msg: 13
Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 7:30:59 PM
Who is the author? Love that quote!


"I find it wholesome to be alone most of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I have never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude"

Walden Pond
Henry David Thoreau


Most people seek their own individual level of balance between solitude time and social stimulation time with others. It depends on their personality (introvert/extrovert) and their cultural conditioning from childhood (large family or small family).
A few people have low tolerance for others company, which to an extreme introvert may seem draining, having to listen to and respond to another person's constant chatter.

Some people are very unhappy whenever they are alone, sometimes seeking out vicarious stimulation online from anonymous strangers like us Forumites. Who may provide a partial substitute for face-to-face interactions with local friends and neighbors...
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 14
Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 8:13:31 PM
I have wondered on a couple of occasions with friends who divorce - who gets custody of the friends? I've only had one close couple that divorced a number of years ago...we got custody of the wife initially and then she moved. It was sad to lose the couple, I still miss the fun we used to have and hell, that was about 13 years ago.

I think we all have a smaller social circle as we age. I have a few very close couple friends and if I found a new guy, I'd like it if he could somehow fit in with the group as its nice to go out for dinner or have anything couple over for dinner once in awhile. I also have a few close male friends, 2 are married and one is single and I enjoy lunch with them every so often and I'd like to continue this without a hassle. The majority of my friends are female and I'd like to stay in touch, go for lunch or go shopping or out on my motorcycle with them. The same would apply to my partner, as I said, we don't need to be joined at the hip. The important thing is that we both know that each other is the most important in the relationship. I will be his biggest fan...that's how it should be. Our shared time should be our special time.

Balance, respect for each other and the relationship.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 16
Friends
Posted: 1/7/2015 9:04:02 PM

Needless to say, after a while I felt crowded, that they were constantly in my relationship, in our business, in my house...gad zooks.

I once dated a guy like that...poor boundaries, was unable to prioritize...he told me he & ex wife went on their honeymoon w/ friends...shudders...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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Posted: 1/8/2015 3:41:36 PM
Actually, there have been a number of studies that have shown that indeed, one of the many differences between male and female humans, is that males tend to have much fewer friends than females.

TV Hollywood and commercials likes to pretend that all men spend half their adult lives playing "hooky" with pals, and that their wives and girlfriends have to pry them away from their male pals all the time. It's therefore not a surprise that many women do think that men are like that, but the studies again, have shown that everything from competition for female attention, to jobs, to the burdens handed them by employers who call for 24 hour allegiance to the company, tend to result in women having lots of friends and valuing their friends a lot, while males tend not to.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 18
Friends
Posted: 1/8/2015 4:35:41 PM
Igor

I think you may be right in that guys don't have as many acquaintances and friends as they don't put time and effort into doing so, especially if they are married tend to have the couples friends, but a guy needs a couple of good mates I feel. Men tend not to discuss their relationships and problems with other guys as it makes them look weak or inadequate but women are different in that regard. If a guy belongs to a sporting club etc then he is bound to have some friends. He may have contacts at work and drink at the bar with guys after work and is happy with that, but not always does he invite them home etc.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 19
Friends
Posted: 1/8/2015 5:02:19 PM
I think you may be right in that guys don't have as many acquaintances and friends as they don't put time and effort into doing so, especially if they are married tend to have the couples friends, but a guy needs a couple of good mates I feel. Men tend not to discuss their relationships and problems with other guys as it makes them look weak or inadequate but women are different in that regard. If a guy belongs to a sporting club etc then he is bound to have some friends. He may have contacts at work and drink at the bar with guys after work and is happy with that, but not always does he invite them home etc.


I believe to many women feel that the "henhouse" chatter should be the norm, because, well, they do it. If you actually think it's a good idea for men to sit around, drink some red wine and then spill their guts about women, you should sit in the background and listen to some of the shiat that some men come up with when drinking in groups. You wouldn't be at all impressed, I hate to tell ya. I know I have never been, and I'm a guy.
What you would find with some men, is a one on one conversation when the things need to brought out into the open, and an ear needs to bent. It's not usually a conversation privy to a "group", unlike what women feel the need to do. And with that, the conversation actually has very little "fluff" and a lot more "substance". We guys, can do with one person what women can do with a group of 5 or 6.
Not our fault we are efficient! :O


Who is the author? Love that quote!


Message 14 answered correctly with Mr. Thoreau.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 20
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Posted: 1/8/2015 5:29:31 PM
My guy isn't from here so recently developed his social circle. He has outside interests...apart from 'our interests'. Although I'd like to sometimes participate in his other interests, I leave him to it. Sort of guy time and a way for him to rejuvenate.

What I have noticed is he and other men I know do almost nothing to foster a friendship. He would never think of inviting his guy friends over for an evening during the Christmas season (I do it). We are going dancing tomorrow evening and my boyfriend has good social skills ,knows a dozen guys to say hi to and will talk with them but that's it. They would never get together otherwise. He plays soccer with another group...but they also don't socialize otherwise.

Anyways...he doesn't discuss issues or problems with friends but is quite socially healthy. Doubt if he's had more than a 5 minute phone call (except with me) since I've known him.

A man being alone is more of a choice rather than being friendless. Not being with friends doesn't me having to be with me. My guy rarely gets grumpy but gets over it quickly if he can have his space. I wouldn't read too much into a male with no close male friends. He might get enough social interaction through work or some activity. My father was an all together person but didn't want to socialize after a day at the office. He'd go fishing, do things in his workshop and such.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 21
Friends
Posted: 1/8/2015 5:40:37 PM

If a guy belongs to a sporting club etc then he is bound to have some friends. He may have contacts at work and drink at the bar with guys after work and is happy with that, but not always does he invite them home etc.


Here's the First Problem...... Most times those are not Real Friends, they're Acquaintances.....

There's an Old Joke, that has a bit of Truth at it's Center....

Friends help you move........... Best Friends, help you move........ The Bodies.........
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 22
Friends
Posted: 1/8/2015 7:00:42 PM
Am always kinda tickled at Thoreau's "solitude"--this is a man who took his laundry home for his mama to do. Everything needs perspective, eh?
 scorpioinOregon
Joined: 7/20/2014
Msg: 23
Friends
Posted: 1/9/2015 12:40:48 AM
My guy has no friends. I have a bunch of friends because I have lived here for over 40 years. He moved to Oregon from California about 4 years ago, and has made no effort what so ever to make any friends .

It drives me crazy. I want to see my friends. He makes it difficult for me to see my friends because he wants to be with me all the time. It's actually one of the problems in our relationship.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
Friends
Posted: 1/9/2015 2:28:35 AM

this is a man who took his laundry home for his mama to do.


Who better than Mom?????

He was a writer and a complete wingnut, not a god.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 25
Friends
Posted: 1/9/2015 3:36:33 AM
scorpiohippychick

My point exactly. He is controlling and suffocating I feel. I wouldn't be able to deal with it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
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Posted: 1/9/2015 4:16:37 AM

My guy has no friends. I have a bunch of friends because I have lived here for over 40 years. He moved to Oregon from California about 4 years ago, and has made no effort what so ever to make any friends .

It drives me crazy. I want to see my friends. He makes it difficult for me to see my friends because he wants to be with me all the time. It's actually one of the problems in our relationship.


This is an example of what I run into about this exact subject all the time. Not meaning to pick on you personally! But there is a piece of logical problem solving involved with this kind of statement, and that logic is flawed.

The thing is, lots of people correctly recognize that their would-be mate has a problem of some sort, and they look for a cause and effect to explain it, but settle on the wrong sequence. In this case, you note both that the guy hasn't developed any friendships outside your coupling, and you note that he's constantly hanging on you and keeping you away from doing other things you want to, and you put those things together and conclude that "male with not enough friends" is the cause.

The thing is, the actual problem isn't his lack of friends, it's that he is controlling and emotionally dependent. Lots of people WITH friends are that way too. Their friends are the ones who show up on TV later, after something bad happens, and talk about how surprised they are that their buddy ended up in so much trouble with their spouse. There are also plenty of people who lead relatively focused lives, and for whatever reason don't go out carousing with other people that much, but are quite centered, happy, and giving.

Essentially, I'm warning you to realize that you are seeing two symptoms of the real problem, and identifying one of the symptoms as being the cause.
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 27
Friends
Posted: 1/9/2015 6:54:00 PM
Nowadays my friends are related to my activities, specifically drag racing. Takes a big commitment to do this and my friends are like minded people who have a passion for the sport. But rarely have them in my home, more likely an afternoon or evening and will spend time in a garage.
I do occasionally socialize with men from work but that is very infrequent.
Men seem to have friends growing up, up to marriage and then "the gang" seems to drift apart. The activity that seemed to keep them friends was having fun and chasing women. LOL
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 28
Friends
Posted: 1/10/2015 12:24:41 AM
I think men and women's styles for friendships are very very different. I recall seeing a little study done with toddlers/preschoolers. Two girls are ushered into a room with nothing but two chairs. They immediately turn those chairs to face each other, sit, and begin to talk. The boys take the chairs, turn them facing the same way, and sit next to each other and talk while facing forward. Women may not actually recognize who exactly IS their SO's friend, lol!

There was a comedian who did a pair of rifs on this. Men are historically hunters: they're all facing the same way (the mammoth), and sneaking up on it, signaling with their hands, and keeping as quiet as possible. Women, out gathering, and hidden from each other in the bushes are all: Betty, are you there, or has a sabertooth eaten you? No I'm here, saw the sabertooth heading down toward the crick. Oh, okay. Where's Clare? Clare, are you there? Yes, I'm here. But watch out, just saw a bear, keep an eye out. Heading up hill. Better berries.
 the_summerwind
Joined: 9/11/2014
Msg: 29
Friends
Posted: 1/10/2015 8:44:31 AM

I do believe everyone needs outside interests so the relationship does not become your reason for existence. Even if it is fishing, hunting or whatever you like to do.


Yet for many it is their only existence. Personally I prefer those who have little of both. It's ok ! ^^^^

A good balance whereas men tends like myself at one time ,were more on the independent side when it comes to having friends etc, whereas women were or more of the social beings. And for those women who are not.. I would be social with them, but never in a relationship. As I was more of a extrovert type & a people type person.
And I enjoy being with a woman who is also the outgoing type. Who has family or friends,,, & a social creature & enjoys social gatherings on occasion.

And as for the introverts types out there, they come off as be a bit too selfish. Loners into their own thoughts...And when it comes down to other personal & emotional questions, they having a hard time in communicating etc in that.

Unfortunately, they will not go there because for many, it could be a sign of weakness, confidence , & embarrassment. Lets hope that will change & see what they have been missing if that the case. Or leave a sleeping dog lie..right...

It is what it is.....in what you find & desire in your comfortable with......
Whether it just be 0n a so so social scale, or something more then just that...jmo
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 30
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Posted: 1/11/2015 2:32:10 AM
It's so important in a healthy relationship for both people to have friends and hobbies outside of the relationship.
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