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 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 1
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Well, here I am back again after four and a half years. I thought we had found each other. Then in crisis, he moved in earlier than we had talked about with a more positive vision, due to job loss. After 14 mos. living together, our relationship has stagnated and of late came to harsh words. We had major obstacles all along, but it seemed to work out as addressed. Living together, even after he found a "lesser" job, seems to have jarred me past repair. We lost our fun weekends, I felt more and more burdens to take on by myself. I could not live this way and had to end it. Moving together should be a positive step, with communication and forging together the rest of one's life. Financial matters need to be discussed and not put under the rug. Nothing was ever simple, from water conservation to following appliance directions to keeping the door shut so the chemo cat does not get out. I was the one who owned the house, so when floods came or rats invaded (living on the creek), it was all my responsibility. We helped each other in other ways, but basic living was an ongoing problem. He did the garbage and some errands. But, for the most part, i paid handymen and housekeeper. Part was introvert versus extrovert, part I was the struggling homeowner trying to downsize while he was always mostly a renter with no understanding of the costs of home maintenance, etc. -- plus some other almost untenable communication issues. He is kind and is great with my grand kids. But, at my request, he is moving out in a week. I keep sobbing, because I did love him, but we were going downhill fast. I no longer know what love is. Anyone else have something like this? So different despite the chemistry and kindness, that not long term partner material? Is it best as we get older, to just live apart? Thoughts on the matter? I could use some grounding, before I get back into dating again.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 2
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 7:39:42 PM
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?


Yes.

Every single, attractive, real European princess who married someone other than me over the last 40 years. :(

We could have been very happy together. I always wanted to live in a castle....with a moat....and alligators....and a drawbridge..........

OK, I'm back........


Moving together should be a positive step, with communication and forging together the rest of one's life.


Of course it should be.



We helped each other in other ways, but basic living was an ongoing problem. But, for the most part, i paid handymen and housekeeper.


Part was introvert versus extrovert, part I was the struggling homeowner trying to downsize while he was always mostly a renter with no understanding of the costs of home maintenance, etc-- plus some other almost untenable communication issues.


Wouldn't all of these problems still have eventually surfaced even without the job loss and earlier than planned move-in?

Sounds like long-term live-in incompatibility from Day 1 of even meeting each other.

Some people, perhaps him, are better suited to living alone since they just cannot adjust well to being part of an on-going team. As they say in the sports world, there is no "I" in "team".
 OtisGreening
Joined: 12/8/2014
Msg: 3
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 7:50:21 PM
Yes, these are usually relationships that happen early in a person's adult life.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 4
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 8:17:26 PM
Welcome back, Serenity. I remember when you were here before, you had a positive outlook and sunny disposition. When you left the forums, I thought you were one of the lucky ones whose relationship would be happy, but sometimes two nice people are incompatible with each other. It's a sad, painful situation.

You've asked good questions in your post, and I'm sure you have many more. I think you'll see people on the forums with very different perspectives on whether to live together or apart, just as you will see those who disagree on the division of household chores, financial matters, home maintenance, and other lifestyle issues. Each person and each couple is in a unique circumstance calling for a unique set of compromises and boundaries.

How important is it that a man you love lives with you? If a man is kind and loving to you and your family, can you be happy living apart? Although others can give you their perspectives, it's your answers that count. I hope you find peace quickly.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 5
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 9:37:05 PM
Yes, things surface over time, but some things not until you live together on a daily basis. We were together three years, weekends and vacations only, before he moved in. But 24/7 and job loss shed some real new light on how we problem solve as a team or sink into withdrawal.

Things that happen in the 20's, happen for different reasons in the later years. Younger, you are thinking of family, careers, nest building, travel. A lot of that has been accomplished when you are older. Still, for me, there needs to be some sort of growth and mutual venture, even if service minded-- and also more communication/teamwork.

So sweet of you to say, Kay. I did pop into the forums here and there over the past 4 1/2 years, although many of my pof friends are now my fb friends, call, email or go to the meetups I recommended to them:) As to living apart? Well, this experience certainly has me thinking. Of course, I will decide. But it helps to see here and there how others have addressed the range of choices. I am in the stages of grief (past the anger), so not sure if I am in denial here and there myself, or if what you say is possible to live apart. My brain says maybe if we left it that way from the start, but now we know too much and it is very likely too late. Still, my heart aches.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 6
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 9:40:38 PM
I know two people who have unconventional living relationships.

#1. is a colleague who has been with a guy for the past 10 years. They are both in their 70's. When they met he lived in an apartment and she had a house boat. The boating situation was too much work for my colleague and she wanted to move in with her bf. He did not want to live with her. He had been divorced twice and co-habitation was not his thing. They negotiated a compromise...she rented the apartment directly above his!

#2. is my neighbour. I did extensive renovations on my place and after I moved in most of my neighbours invited themselves over for a look see. She then invited me over to see her place. While looking around she explained that she was married and she lived in our co-op and her husband had his own co-op two blocks away. I have no idea why they don't live together. They are both academics and spent their summers in France and seem to be very happy...so who knows. Clearly living together isn't the be all for everyone!
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 7
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 9:51:46 PM
Yeah, I even tried to make that work with a girl from Scotland

5 years, the first year she was in the states I was drafting. Economy tanked out, she couldn't afford visa anymore. So I joined the Army to try and make it work. Almost made it work but she ended up leaving me because she said the Army changed me.

So yeah, that sucked.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 8
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 10:36:54 PM
Serenity.... YES... I have experienced almost the same as you.
He moved into the house I owned because it suited his financial situation so I paid all the bills and handled all repairs etc. He paid a nominal rent/board.
After a while (18 months) all the fun stuff stopped, my rose coloured glasses fell off and I asked him to move out of my home. I suggested that we keep seeing each other and live apart but he said that was a backwards step.
So that was the end of that.

I also paid for food, groceries, most entertainment, lawn mowing, handyman and house cleaner.
Yes he put out the rubbish bins and helped out occasionally.
He mowed the lawn once as he thought the lawnmower man was too sexy looking without his shirt. He was right :)
He did have a job with fewer working hours than me so he was home without me quite a bit.
As well as having an afternoon nap, he would rearrange my laundry and furniture without asking.

Sound familiar?

Basically what we each had was a live in lover / boarder / kept man.
Not a true shared relationship.

Yes he is a lovely man. That is why you like him.

I am starting to think that moving in together should be moving into 'our' place.
NOT your place or my place.
We get a home together. For us.

Or keep separate abodes with visiting rights.

If you are like me, for years when you feel lonely you may think back to the good times and wonder why you kicked him out.

You have made your decision with the information you have right now!!!
Hindsight overlooks a lot.


Oh... and from now on, if like me, you will recoil with horror when a jobless man suggests he moves in with you.

Good luck.


 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 9
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 10:49:45 PM
I have to say that to have someone move in because he has lost his job, you are not on an equal footing from the start and you were not really happy about it. He would have felt that and knew that the house was never going to be his, right? He acted like the star boarder and didn't contribute much and took you for granted.

You never know a person until you live them, that is true. You became the unofficial, not legal, wife and lost the role of lover and the fun times disappeared as he took you for granted. I am sorry you are upset but I think you will feel eventually a sense of relief when he is actually gone and if there are feelings there, you can keep in touch after a little time has gone by???. If too much damage has not been done.
t
You have family and friends and interests I am assuming and really at this time of life I would never have anyone move in 24/7. Especially a financially disadvantaged person.
He would have to be paying his share right from the beginning and we can all take out our own rubbish, after all. That is not enough.

 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 10:52:24 PM
Sad but true, no matter how much you have in common, how you get along, how much you like or love the person, relationships are complicated and you can only find some of this out by living together. Sorry it didn't work out for you. : (
 TALL_IQ2
Joined: 12/22/2014
Msg: 11
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 11:18:07 PM
some things not until you live together on a daily basis. We were together three years, weekends and vacations only, before he moved in. But 24/7 and job loss shed some real new light on how we problem solve as a team or sink into withdrawal.


Yes many of us veteran Forumites were wishing you success, and health and happiness years ago when you were here.
There are still some examples of successful relationships developed here. But, nothing is forever despite our best wishes.

Since "Finding and maintaining a highly compatible Long-Term SO Relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life for most everyone,
since success there REQUIRES sharing about 50% power/control/emotional intelligence/clear communication with another imperfect human being like yourself..."
 Patrick45015
Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 12
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 11:36:58 PM
Took me a long time to realize it but being in love with someone does not mean you should be in a relationship with them. There are so many aspects to a relationship. Love is only one and its not enough on its own
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 13
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 11:46:20 PM
Sometimes it is just incompatibility, but did you sit down and go over bills, what you both thought was fair, or did you expect him just to know? He likely has no idea or experience with home ownership issues, but was he given a chance to remedy some of the deficit to your satisfaction and he simply refused?
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 14
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/10/2015 11:59:12 PM

Since "Finding and maintaining a highly compatible Long-Term SO Relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life for most everyone,


^^^^^ What is the First Greatest Challenge?
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 15
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 1:01:18 AM
flaneur 001

The married couple may be separated for financial reasons and get more money if they are of that age to receive a pension. In my country there is little advantage to being married when you are of retirement age, financially. However it may be that they have other people in their lives and to have their freedom, but still want to be connected. I would like to have separate bedrooms and my own space or living area, if I were in a legal married relationship but I think separate houses is a bit strange. However horses for courses.

Familiarity can sometimes breed contempt and being taken for granted sucks the joy and love out of any relationship I feel.
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 16
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 2:08:49 AM
OP,

I'm so sorry for your emotional pain. Breakups are so hard. You need to take this time to heal. Love is supposed to make you feel wonderful. Life is a learning process. One good thing is that the next time around you will see problems coming and nip them before its too late.

Do something that you have been wanting to do for awhile, you count. You are important. Don't be hard on yourself. Time does ease the pain of a breakup.

Good luck OP.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 17
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 3:23:53 AM

I am starting to think that moving in together should be moving into 'our' place.
NOT your place or my place.
We get a home together. For us.


I agree with this, but it's a tough decision when one or both own their own place. I suspect in the OP's case, the guy felt more like a tenant and the OP as his landlord, so the guy wasn't too concerned about doing chores or paying for the upkeep of a house and contents that's not his, and never will be his. But it can be tough for one or both people to give up their house in order to get a house together, so that it can be "our" house, instead of moving into his or her house and feeling like a landlord/tenant situation. I would think this is a major stumbling block for the middle aged and older singles who have assets accumulated over the past few decades, including owning their own homes, and don't want to take the chance of giving up or sharing anything they acquired. This, to me, shows a level of mistrust, and not being able to fully trust your partner is a relationship killer-but that's a whole different issue and topic.

As for living apart with each person living in their own homes and visiting each other-not everybody would see this as a true relationship, and would view it more as a FWB or FB situation. Most people are into the traditional role of living under the same roof when with the love of their life. How do retired couples manage to live together 24/7?
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 18
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 4:31:56 AM
LOTS of good advice and opinions here...


How do retired couples manage to live together 24/7?


With GREAT difficulty in many cases, in my experience....if the elderly couple that I care for are anything to go by...LOL

OP...I have been in a very similar situation as yourself as well as Ozeas....

I had been seeing a guy for a couple of years and also for financial reasons, decided to try and cohabit...it became ALL about me "telling" him what to do around the house, although I'M thinking that when you see the recycling spilling ALL over the floor, it's a no-brainer....lol

Apparently NOT...lmao
We actually did get a new place together, but he was tight financially and I ended up paying for MOST things, but he was helping out with a lot of the heavy lifting, and was on his "best behaviour" at least initially, so I was willing to be patient....

Well, as it turned out, I VASTLY overestimated my patience...

Any grown up who has lived on their own, imo has a good idea of what that entails, financially and in the day-to-day stuff...whether or not they own their own home...
Unfortunately I have seen this happen in a lot of relationships, that when one partner takes the initiative in practical matters, the other partner looks at that as a chance to take a "break" from being a grown up, and just "enjoy the ride"...LOTS of people out there with unmet childhood needs looking for a "second chance" to be taken care of...

For me, however, I wasn't looking for ANOTHER person to take care of, (I work as a caregiver) and had tried to talk to him about how overwhelmed that I felt and spelling out EXACTLY the kinds of things that I would appreciate him doing around the house, etc.

As I mentioned, he DID at least attempt to be part of a " team "initially, but those attempts became weaker and weaker and after discovering that he had a bit of cash that he managed to get his hands on and THEN discovering that he had spent it on frivolities, rather than buying some groceries or giving me some money towards the , mounting, bills, well, that was that proverbial "straw" they talk about...

In my case, when I asked him to leave, there was no relationship afterwords, because I had gotten to see a side of him that I realized I couldn't live with in the long run....
And THAT really sucked, because I thought he was "the bee's knee's" before that....

The MOST difficult part, although I knew that he wasn't feeling good about himself, and I"m pretty sure that contributed to him being SO passive, was that I couldn't put it down to a lack of communication or clarity on my part, and I thought not on his either, as he was quite vocal about what was going on with him and his expectations as well...

He KNEW how I felt and rather than respond, instead chose to focus on his self-pity and how BAD he felt that I wasn't happy!!! THAT was quite the trick!

Any way...I felt used and sad and it was still heartbreaking to let go of that relationship for what it had been, not so much for what it had become....

So do I think that it's a better idea NOT to move in together? NO, because for me, THAT'S when you get to see who you're REALLY dealing with and with whom you're trying to have a relationship. And for myself, I would rather that, than spend even MORE time only to come to the same conclusion, somewhere down the road...
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 19
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 4:33:43 AM
I loved my ex, the mother of my child, even on the day she walked out and I changed the locks to the doors.

There is nothing in the OP, that many of us haven't experienced in one way or the other. There are reasons for divorces, breakups, split-ups and parting of ways. Numerous reasons but, the number doesn't really matter. Either does the "actual" reasons themselves.

What happened OP, is that after a period of time, living together, or not, you actually started to get to "know" the man, and how he lives his life. You can still love him, it's just you have decided that there are certain "things" that you don't enjoy or accept of/with him. Doesn't make him a bad person, or you, for that matter. It's called incompatibility.

I never really noticed anything about "communication" in the OP???? Was there any? I mean, was any of these "problems" pointed out to the boyfriend, or did you assume he just knew that you weren't real happy with the way things were going?(other than to the point of "harsh words")
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 20
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 5:12:22 AM
As for finding a method to the madness - I don't believe one exists.

I thought I found it too, all I had to do was be myself - and I failed at that.
And I can think about all the angles, plan the actions, and write the story in
my mind. I can convince myself how perfect my life is going to be.
But in the end both parties of the relationship will take it for granted.
It may be less obvious in certain people, but everyone takes good things for granted.

And until you get that sobering experience of knowing the difference, you
don't have the perspective to know what it truly means to have taken for granted
Everyone in the US takes clean running water for granted. What it means to have
access to something like that, and what it means to go without.

I found out the hard way that I should have taken her to feed the ducks.
I should have gotten help sooner for my own problems.
She warmed me so many times... so many times.
She should have been more forgiving
She should have known the grass only looked greener, and that I wasn't beyond help.
She knows now, now that she’s gone. But it’s too late, she’s banned for 5 years for leaving
the country. A penalty for breaking the conditions of the visa. She wants to come back
but there is nothing I can do.

And even if there was... would the second attempt be any better with the knowledge
her and I gained from the first breakup? Or would I simply be investing more time and money trying to make something work? And ultimately when it does work what do I feel like?

Those are all examples of what led me to believe true love... is impossibly complicated -
And whatever means are necessary to meet the end. The end being that quintessential old
couple.

At the time I would have given anything to have her stay and work it out with me.
we even still enjoyed each other’s company, it wasn't even to the point of us
growing tired of each other. there was no abuse, it was just she couldn't handle
my depression.

Despite everything we endured, it was too much for her and she moved on. If it was up to me
to move on for the relationship to end. I don't know if it would have, but I’d like to think her
and I would have become that couple.

Also you probably do need grounding before dating again, I certainly did after my breakup.
I made a lot of mistakes, and the one recently cost me a lot of emotional agony. Mainly because I thought I could fast track the whole rebound thing and move myself into the next relationship without any baggage...

What I ended up doing was having that rebound twice, and then attaching myself to the first thing that came along that felt right, and it ended badly for me. Got myself hurt emotionally over something I shouldn't have got emotional about in the first place.
 earwigs_have_wings
Joined: 10/16/2014
Msg: 21
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 8:33:02 AM
If someone can't respect your rules in **your** home they have no right to be there. Your situation is painful, emotional and stressful. I feel for you. There is nothing wrong with living apart and you'll experience less stress. If he is mature enough to see the situation how it really is he'll understand and be honest about it.

My former ltr and I had to live apart because when we lived together we did not see eye to eye. I didn't need the stress and anxiety that came along with it so I asked him to move out. We continued our relationship and it was so much better because at the end of the day we went our separate ways and then saw each other again the next day.

OP don't feel guilty about your decision either. Be assertive and stand your ground. We have the ability to love someone and assert ourselves at the same time.
 TALL_IQ2
Joined: 12/22/2014
Msg: 22
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 9:50:16 AM

What is the First Greatest Challenge?


Achieving optimum health and fitness, both physically and mentally, for a long healthy lifespan. With a long-term healthy lifestyle, usually the only way that can actually get you closer to that goal. Common sedentary lifestyles make some think it seems impossible to get fit and healthy. NOT impossible, just a great life challenge for most people.

That IS the continual greatest challenge in life for everyone, it doesn't just happen for any of us imperfect human beings.

Let us all make some progress towards it this year...
S
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 23
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 10:08:36 AM
Optimum physical and mental health come with a pretty significant investment of pain and patience.

Oddly enough a well disciplined person could do this and be less stressed out by life.
Even though paradoxically when people think of exercise and study, most think dread.

Otherwise pain and patience are avoided like the plague. That's why gym memberships don't like signing contracts that are only month to month. They typically want an investment. Because the truth is that 95% of the people who join just end up dropping out after a few weeks or a month.

Only the truly sick, can go into something like that; cause themselves pain, and fall in love with the process. And then spend time reading, and writing - or watching educational programming vs that of superficial entertainment.
 caboblue
Joined: 12/28/2014
Msg: 25
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 1:38:41 PM
I can relate to your heartache.



"After 14 mos. living together, our relationship has stagnated and of late came to harsh words."

Seems normal to me to experience this.
When we devote our heart and time to someone, recognizing problems can be difficult.
Harsh words to me is your heart's investment with that person.
We all do it to some degree.
I feel the same way you do.


"after he found a "lesser" job, seems to have jarred me past repair."

I certainly hope that his lesser job did not lessen the Love you have for him.
To me, its my responsibility in the relationship to support your Loved one.
But, not to any point where its causing long term damage.

[quote"I could not live this way and had to end it."
"Financial matters need to be addressed"
"basic living was an ongoing problem."
This sounds so familiar with my recent relationship.
However, I was the one wanting to address the way she lived and the directions we could achieve together.
I, too, raised the points of concern regarding money matters.
She was in trouble with a business and borrowing from equity to pay business bills.
Yet, even with positive solutions suggested, successful choices she could have made, no suggestion I gave was considered.
And she may lose it all.
Some I guess just don't listen.

Basic living on our end was easily achievable.
Our combined incomes, abilities to work together under a roof, we had all the chemistry for success here.
Yet, she chose to ignore it all and her unreadiness killed it.
I was ready, she possibly wasn't ready.


"I was the homeowner trying to downsize"

Same situation here. How ironic is your experience here so similar.
She was already looking to downsize, but wasn't seeing clearly with all the baggage she currently has.
Downsizing was the best thing she could have done and I was ready to do this with her for life.
What prevented the downsizing was due to her need for attention; the house was what she used for that.
She couldn't let go knowing she'll possibly never have that big home again with all its memories.


"communication issues"

Communication is #1 for me.
Both have to give equally and be standing side by side in agreement on the walk we want.
Its work for sure but in my mind the reward from it is the life you build with someone.
It takes 2 to become a success in a relationship.


"I keep sobbing, because I did love him."
"I no longer know what love is"
"Anyone else have something like this?"
"long term partner material?"
"I could use some grounding, before I get back into dating again."

My Love is the same as yours.
When we don't receive back what we give, it hurts!
There is always a reason for why the other person isn't giving back equally.
We may find out one day, we may not.
But you can't lay in wait forever waiting for the answer to it.
Not knowing what Love is anymore can be painful.

I'll share this I realized years ago...
I know that I have Loved.
I know that I Love myself.
I know with this, I am able to give my Love to someone.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 26
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 3:06:22 PM
Several of you really hit a cord and described exactly what I felt and experienced. I cannot single each thing out, as I forgot how to repaste the phrases you wrote (duh!). To be clear, to me, I don't care how much money made or specific job one has. My use of the word "lesser" reflected his outlook on the work available for much less money and that it was also lessened to part time, shortly after that job was secured. Jobs in tech here are downsized significantly. Let's face it, they go for the young hires with the newer technologies. Nonetheless, I understand now, that the issues did not start here in our living together, nor will they end here.
A person has to want to do the work, not only to communicate with a partner and plan a future path, but also go through the pain of working on themselves. There is also a lot of energy drain, dealing with this economy. This is more so true, if you spent every penny that you had when you were making good money, rather than plan for a "rainy day". For him, the issues will continue and could be a downfall. We all have basic bills and responsibilities that come before frivolous spending and these do take communication if they are to be shared in a relationship. I cringe about what may happen to him, but I know I can no longer enable and nag. That way, I become the "****" and he keeps on doing the destructive behaviors, dragging me further down.
Did i try? You bet. Was I clear? You bet. My clarity as to the needs before us was seen as "nagging". The issues were not rocket science. He was tired, I get that. But, so was I. I have lyme disease for beejezus sake! He gets that now that my "threats" (as perceived by him) were real and we are both very sad. I was being taken for granted, I am told. My "threats" were not enough that he would change. I think my flexibility and exhausting work went unnoticed by him, maybe even still. He does not want to know about money and bills. His sadness is about leaving (he does not like change) and I do believe he loves me feeling wise, but not enough to address the core issues. Love is not just a feeling, it is a lot of work. The work does pay off, if both are willing to do it and problem solve to make things easier.
Thanks for sharing. It helps, I do not know why, to know I am not alone with respect to these matters.
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