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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why send a message if you know we're not a match?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 1
Why send a message if you know we're not a match? Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Three Christian zealots recently wrote saying if it wasn't for my atheism, they would want to meet me. From a born-again Christian:

“After reading your profile I would be in my car right now on my way to Wenatchee if our spiritual paths were more aligned. I would love to go for a hike with you and know we would have a lively and spirited conversation about our passions and life. Gary”

Gary also sent me a long screed about his fundamentalist Christian beliefs. I skimmed his wall of words. “Meet for a spirited discussion?” I replied. “I'd rather have a tooth drilled without anesthetic. I am not willing to live in conflict.”

What I can't understand is why they would send me a message in the first place. They've read that I am not religious. I think that's a thinly veiled judgment and an attempt to intimidate.

I would never send a man a message saying it is too bad he is inadequate (in a certain way), because otherwise I would be interested in meeting him.

Your thoughts?
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 2
Why send a message if you know they're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 12:52:02 PM
He was hoping YOU WOULD KOW-TOW & convert just so you "could have a man"!

The real Jesus would want people to believe from their heart, not out of manipulation.

We all have a right to our spiritual beliefs & no one should be belittled, atheists & agnostics have a right just as much as all other religions.
 TALL_IQ2
Joined: 12/22/2014
Msg: 3
Why send a message if they know you're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 12:52:14 PM
"Why did they send a message if they knew we're not a match?"

Maybe they were just thinking of the missionary position?










Lots of zealots out there, trying to convert some I think.

S
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 4
Why send a message if you know they're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 12:56:01 PM
You're supposed to be intelligent, figure it out, you've been around long enough. They didn't read your profile or they don't care that you are non religious. I'm an atheist too and I get along quite well with folks who believe and some of my best friends are very religious . I could spend my life quite happily with a believer as long as I wasn't required to attend church, say grace, etc. Some folks live very well with mixed opinions and ideas. Its called "being an adult". Fanatics - that wouldn't work.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 5
Why send a message if you know they're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 1:03:42 PM
Both genders will occasionally send an introductory note if they feel they satisfy many of the requirements.
My religion is shown so that when seeking a girlfriend she has somewhat of a flavor of my background and upbringing.

It has been quite a long time since I have been to church outside of Christmas, Easter, weddings, and funerals.
At the same time, if a person is more devout and she wishes to go to mass, that is cool with me. I'll be mountainbiking in the woods and we can meet afterwards to have a delicious Sunday brunch.

A woman who steps-up and sends a pleasant note has my respect.
Should it appear that we would not make an ideal match right out of the gate, I cross that bridge when I get to it. :-)
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 6
Why send a message if they know you're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 1:06:21 PM

Maybe they were just thinking of the missionary position?


Damn it tall, you just hit it out of the park with that one.

Hehehehe.
 overunity
Joined: 8/16/2014
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Why send a message if they know you're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 1:20:11 PM
Some religious people feel a need to try to get non believers to see "their light". I get taps at my door from time to time from those types of people, apparently trying to save their own "souls" by "saving" mine. You dodged a bullet.
 Following_Up
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 8
Why send a message if they know you're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 1:41:06 PM

Some religious people feel a need to try to get non believers to see "their light".


Some Christians feel it is their DUTY to try to convert others (for their own good). They actually may see their communication to you as a compliment vs an insult.

Not saying YOU should see it that way, but I doubt that their intent was nefarious.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 9
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 1:57:06 PM
What a trip LH.

Recently had a similar issue happen.

She stressed that her faith was very important to her in her profile. She's a seventh day Adventist.

My profile says I'm more spiritual but tolerant of my partner's faith.

She wanted to meet me for a cup off coffee and a snack.

I reviewed our communication and discovered that she had politely rejected me 2 years ago for being spiritual. Hmmm.....?

I decided to meet her anyway. Pleasant enough woman. Wanted to know my spiritual background. I was baptized a Catholic and attended Baptist church growing up. Stopped attending when I joined the service. I joked that I work Sundays, so Sunday service is out of the question.

I then kindly told her that I remembered her rejection 2 years ago and wanted to understand why she thought we'd be a match now? Nothing has changed in my life regarding my faith. She wanted me to explain face to face and understand my background in person.

I joked semi-seriously that I wouldn't tell a Jew that I'd become a Jew by third date :)

She needed time to think about it and I haven't heard back from her. I won't follow up either.

I just don't understand why someone with a strong faith would reach out to someone no so like minded? How can you possibly hope to get someone to commit to embracing their faith so soon??

Kind of like embracing smoking or drinking as a lifestyle and hoping to persuade the other to embrace it. Odd.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 10
Why send a message if they know you're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 1:57:08 PM
First messages are always coming from places of unknown origin - it's tough to gauge their level of 'interest' for a LOT of activities they may or may not have listed in their profiles. If the guy simply stated he was born-again, recognized your atheism and suggested a spirited debate in one sentence, he may give the impression he not overtly religious, even though he may be.


Gary also sent me a long screed about his fundamentalist Christian beliefs. I skimmed his wall of words.

I would assume 'long' means much more than a sentence or two... In that case, he's showing his hand rather overtly - namely that his beliefs mean more to him than a potential date. I usually assume people like that don't learn to tone down their rhetoric until 'God' tells them to. Unfortunately, bolts of lightning are kind of hard to direct at will.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 11
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 2:07:52 PM

I would never send a man a message saying it is too bad he is inadequate (in a certain way), because otherwise I would be interested in meeting him.

"You know, if it wasn't for you being under 5'9", I would be interested in meeting ya! It's too bad you're inadequate..."

True, that's ridiculous -- but I think Gary's angle was different. I think he was probing whether you could open up to believing, and maybe hoping that you were more a non-practicing person than some rock-solid non-believer.

It'd be like a guy hitting up a lady and seeing she drinks > 3 times a week, while he doesn't drink much and isn't a fan of the bar/party lifestyle. But he hopes she's just drinking a good amount being brutally honest, as it's a by-product of her being Single, and she really has no problem with not drinking much at all when she gets settled into something with a guy. True, small chances -- but man, she's hot and an otherwise great catch in his eyes! So he's going to reach out and see if that's the case, even if it's a low % shot.

Unfortunately for Bible Thumpers, they're not just brainwashed in literally believing it came from a God and can't be inaccurate at all -- they also believe that all people have to do is open up their eyes and see.... almost how I felt at a younger age, if/when I ran into a gal who believed the universe was only 5-10k years old. When you believe the other person is literally believing something Truly Inaccurate, you treat it the same way as if you want to show her that No, the Indianapolis Colts did NOT win the super bowl last year... the Seahawks did.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 12
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 2:24:04 PM

“I'd rather have a tooth drilled without anesthetic. I am not willing to live in conflict.”


I think the above, your response to this fellow, was rude. In fact, your rudeness was a bigger deal than his inquiry email. JMO. You could have hit delete. The guy took a shot and sent an email like we all do or have done - the tone of your response was unnecessary.
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 13
Why send a message if they know you're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 3:05:26 PM
overunity:
Some religious people feel a need to try to get non believers to see "their light". I get taps at my door from time to time from those types of people, apparently trying to save their own "souls" by "saving" mine. You dodged a bullet.

Right. His long explanation of his religious beliefs contained standard questions that Christians zealots ask, trying to stump nonbelievers:

"What is your religious background?"
"Do you believe Jesus lived 2,000 years ago?"
"Where do you think evil comes from?"

He was trying to draw me into a debate. I ignored his questions. I don't have to justify my beliefs to anyone, and don't challenge Christians to prove their beliefs, either.
 PenelopeLeChat
Joined: 7/29/2014
Msg: 14
Why send a message if they know you're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 3:34:48 PM
LH. I was agnostic bordering on atheist a few years ago and was engaged to a man who was raised Roman Catholic. Dodged religion for many years and as humor would have it
a. Married a Catholic who had a Nun Sister who left the church.
b. Suffered through the holidays for my husband
c. Had a fiance who kept saying he would go to church if... Usually involved me as an excuse..
In a fit of pizz and anger I called him on his bluff and said get your Ask out of bed and lets go. Your not going to use me as an excuse.
At first he wanted to go to the church that has all the money and a Bishop. I insisted we go to the one 2 blocks away that I have visited for years with friends and family and where ex sister in law nun served.
To make a long story short. I joined the church because I sucked in then I converted from Southern Missionary Baptist / Heathen. lol
I then said "crap I took that leap. Maybe I need to know about what I am involved in." lol

3 yrs later I am converted. The azz that used me as an excuse does not go. His family that is there welcomes me with wide open arms and I am happy in my situ. Funny thing is... The one that used me as an excuse... he does not go. lol
I know where I am spirit wise. But my guess is maybe he was trying to use you as an excuse

As Always,
LePew
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 15
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 3:59:54 PM

Literate_Hiker: I'd rather have a tooth drilled without anesthetic. I am not willing to live in conflict.

bluemoon:
I think the above, your response to this fellow, was rude.

Actually he saw the humor in my joke about having a tooth drilled without anesthetic.
He wrote back that it was very funny.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 16
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 5:18:56 PM
He's complimenting you. That's it. Nothing more unless wishful thinking on his part that you wouldn't be so staunchly atheist?


[I guess you have noticed that he actually DID ask you out. If he asked you to meet for a spirited discussion then he might not be that fundamentalist as you might think. Or to put it another way, he asked you to meet for a discussion and you answered that you don't want to live in conflict???? I think there is a huge gap of time and acquaintance between a discussion and living in conflict with someone. So my question to you OP is: who rejected who? who is the fundamentalist one?]


Good one :)
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 17
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 5:33:52 PM
dgcadiz, Your reply is thoughtful and interesting. This is my favorite quote by the Persian poet Rumi that I used to preface my first book:

"I have lived on the lip of insanity,
wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens.
I have been knocking from the inside." ~ Rumi

I realize that I am judging, rejecting and closing my mind to Christian zealots who try to convert me. I am tired of it. I use humor with Jehovah Witnesses who knock on my door:

"I don't believe in an invisible being that resides somewhere beyond the clouds." - and -
"At age four I stopped having imaginary friends."

They don't know what to say. I smile and gently close the door. Most of my friends are Christian and two are ministers. They love me for who I am. I love and respect them. We simply do not discuss religion.

Many of the folks living around here are fundamentalists. I know I shouldn't let this bother me so much because many of them are good and helpful people. But some of the things they say leave me almost speechless.

Recently a neighbor and I were talking. I can't remember how it came up, but he felt he had to tell me how the races of the world were created. His words: "After the great flood, all life on earth was destroyed except for Noah and his family and pairs of all animals there to repopulate the world. One of Noah's sons headed east and started the yellow race. One son headed south and started the black race. Noah and his wife repopulated the white race."

What do you say to this? You can't possible talk about evolution and environmental adaptation. So, I just smiled and said, "You have strong beliefs." I wanted to say, "You really believe in fairy tales!"
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 5:45:40 PM
I suggest something much simpler, much more fundamental to human behavior, at least to consider.

That is, people get hungry. They want what they see, which they are attracted to in some way.

The hungrier they get, the less appealing it is to remain on their hand painted and richly decorated personal pedestals, and the more willing they are to work very hard on themselves to make an excuse to "give it a go anyway."

However, people in such situations don't actually have any desire to change who or what they are, nor do most have the ability to make such a real change anyway. So instead, they try to find some way to make the message "I wanna scratch an itch with you!" sound like something more respectable, more playful, more clever, and less desperate or pitiful than it really is.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 19
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 6:43:39 PM

Your thoughts?


If you don't shoot, you'll never score.

Or, if you may, you'll miss ever shot you don't take.

There's a million zillion of these ones out there.
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 20
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 6:53:39 PM
dgcadiz:
But you are assuming he wants to "convert" you. How do you know?

Because his long message was challenging my beliefs. He was proselytizing. Two men met me just to try to talk me out of my atheism. That's why I look askance at fundamentalist Christians who message me.

My cousin is a Jehovah's Witness who visited me for a week from Michigan. She tried for days to convince me there was a god. "We can agree to disagree about religion," I suggested. "I want to enjoy your visit." Afterwards she mailed me a box of religious pamphlets and cut me off because I'm a "heathen." How sad.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 21
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 7:00:14 PM
Why would you even respond? Just delete or block or ignore. Last week it was a guy who couldn't cook. Geez. I wish someone would actually start a thread on the best dates they've had, nice guys/gals they've met even though it didn't work out. When someone constantly posts about the "bad" it makes me wonder if that person's picker is broken or maybe the problem is not who they are meeting but the problem is looking back at them in the mirror.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 22
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 7:08:20 PM
A few times a woman contacted me. Saying that they liked my profile. Then they mentioned that they would have been interested if I had lived closer to them or was within their age range. I simply said thanks and wished them well.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 23
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 7:10:29 PM
Literate_Hiker...my suggestion is if the man was relentlessly sharing religious content, it would have been far more pleasant to simply disengage with a smile. Say something like, "Hey, GolfGuy8675309, thanks for your messages. I just met a spectacular guy here on POF and we are going to see how things develop. Good luck on your romantic search." There are no hurt feelings and everyone retains dignity. I advise against using the "drill without Novocain" technique.
 aj7125
Joined: 11/28/2014
Msg: 24
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 7:12:51 PM
OP, I agree, he was pushy, trying to intimidate(so he thought) and most of all very rude. He knew what you were as far as being an atheist. For me, I don't need to look any further with the profile, I wouldn't be interested, but no way would I disrespect.

You hear this all the time where the man or woman looking at a profile thinks they have the right to confront on what the other person believes in or likes or what they look like and feel they "need" to let you know. I agree with deleting or blocking once the line has been crossed, you definitely don't need to defend anything when someone is pushy and arrogant and wants to intimidate.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 25
Why send a message if you know we're not a match?
Posted: 1/30/2015 7:15:26 PM
When my kids were little I did take them to a Christian Church that had nice youth programs etc. I had to help out at some level. Ironically, there was an Islamic Mosque practically next to the church. I overheard a Deacon talking trash about the Islamic fish fries & the smell of the fish, mocking etc.

I discussed it w/ the minister & when my kids were a teeny bit older we all left that church.

I am sure not all churches are like that & there is some positives to organized religion.

However as someone who does believe, I feel that when people disrespect others in the name of religion, I cannot be around them.

Op you deserve to be respected as an autonomous adult.
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