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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?      Home login  
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 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 1
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I recently was contacted by a guy on here despite having my profile hidden. He was kinda cute and lived not too far away, so I responded.
After a couple of days of "bad timing" as in our schedules weren't syncing up, we finally managed to have a conversation over the phone yesterday afternoon.
I just want to mention that I'm a "talker"....
That means that I can pretty much have a conversation with ANYBODY...lol

Thing is that while we were talking, about halfway through the conversation, I noticed that he really didn't seem to be asking me many questions.
Whatever information abut me that was given, I gave in the context of the conversation, as in, "Oh, so you were in a relationship for x amount of time....well my longest relationship was x amount of time and, etc."

What was "interesting" about this was that, once we got off the telephone, I realized that, although I had asked him questions about himself, etc. He REALLY hadn't asked me even ONE!!!!

It was then I started to think back to the first meets that I've had since being back on here last Sept....and I realized that this has been a "common theme" among the guys that I've met that are 40+....

I am REALLY NOT starting this thread to "gender bash" in ANY way....

BUT....

Have any other women noticed this "dynamic"?
Do you find that men in this age group seem to have a certain reticence about asking you questions? If so, why do you think that is?
Do you put it down to simple self-centeredness, or do you think that they just believe that asking questions is too invasive or personal? Maybe they lack social skills?

Men, do you ask questions of the women you're dating, or do you just wait for her to 'reveal' info about herself, and if so why?

I AM very curious about this because it seems that I am running into this more and more and it's beginning to feel REALLY off-putting..... If it IS something that I'm doing to attract men that are self-centered, then I'd like to STOP doing that, but I'm not sure what that would be...?
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 2
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 3:35:41 AM

It was then I started to think back to the first meets that I've had since being back on here last Sept....and I realized that this has been a "common theme" among the guys that I've met that are 40+....


Are you meeting a lot of men under 40? If you are, then are they different? If you aren't, then you have no basis for comparison. One's true memory of the past isn't very accurate.

Because I think this is just you, and your style of communicating, and maybe you are just now noticing this. Maybe it isn't men that have changed, but you?

One complaint I had about women I had dated, they didn't really know me as well as I knew them.

I was always very interested in other people, ask questions, and my observation has been that this leads people to talk a lot about themselves. I don't do it deliberately, but people have told me a lot about themselves and then they tend to think they know me.

Most of the time I don't have to ask a lot of questions, just enough to keep the conversation flowing, and let the person I am talking to go where they want.

Now I feel that amongst men, I am unusually more interested in feelings and relationships than most men, so I don't think I am typical. I can be a real talker, but most of the time I am happy to listen to the "story" . So I am always I little stunned that men say they never knew had a clue their wife was going to divorce them, or that she was cheating, as most of the time I knew there were serious problems and I have not often been taken by surprise. Of course it happens, I am not a mind reader, but generally there are all kinds of hints.

Sometimes I have even found that a few people realize they have "said too much" and resent it a little. If feels like more more men than women have done that.

So is this really about age groups, or more about the way different types of people communicate, and about you noticing things more than you did in the past?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 3
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:12:53 AM
Not saying it's the case with this guy but, I am pretty good at NOT asking questions during a conversation and yet, I am quite informed after said conversation. The art of listening is just as important as talking. And yes, it can come in all shapes and forms. Some forms are more comfortable than others to certain people.

You also should know or remember, some of us older guys have been knocked down enough times that when first getting to know a female, we tend to step very gingerly. Why?

Experience and




fear.
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 4
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:16:31 AM
It's just you.

And thank you for painting us all with the same brush. That rarely happens here.

Thank God you aren't trying to "gender bash". That would be turrible.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 5
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:18:49 AM
Thanks for the input all....
@dragon...Yes, actually I have dated younger guys as well and they DO seem to ask more questions in general....But you had a good point about him potentially saying "too much"...As for my own style of communication, not sure what you meant by that or how you could think this is about me, when you don't know me or how I communicate???

@tickle...Actually he did most of the talking, NOT me, and yes, maybe I DO "put it all out there" as opposed to waiting for the person to ask....That's something that bears some pondering....
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 6
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:20:09 AM
OP - Yes.
NOT ALL. But many.
It is a fear of death . They want to focus on themselves because they fear dying soon.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 7
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:21:51 AM
Well as I said, he actually did the majority of the talking NOT me....So, maybe you have a point as well Walts...

@ Never....Sorry if you felt that I'm saying ALL men over 40, let me qualify and say that it's the men that I have personally met, which, of course doesn't fall under the category of "all men"...
I don't date THAT much! LOL

The main reason that I started this thread was to see if that has been anyone else's experience, or if this is a "me" thing that I have to examine and possibly, change....That's why the "or is it just ME" in the thread title....
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 8
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:36:49 AM
I ask a lots of questions. I always worried that it sounds like an interview.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 9
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:38:55 AM

Yes, actually I have dated younger guys as well and they DO seem to ask more questions in general....But you had a good point about him potentially saying "too much"...As for my own style of communication, not sure what you meant by that or how you could think this is about me, when you don't know me or how I communicate???


I know you from the forums, and you said you are a "talker." So you told me your style. You do like to talk a lot or in this case post longer screeds of text.

I think as I get older I ask less questions than I did when I was younger, so maybe that is what you are seeing. Now days I am just not as curious about the "story". By that I mean, most people have a "story" about their life that led them to the point of time that brought them to dating me. You know, break ups, divorce, tragedy, love found and lost, hot dates, cheating husbands, etc.

So maybe older men and women are have a lot more experience and aren't as curious while younger people are still asking more questions and still learning? That seems like a natural explanation for what you are seeing.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 10
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 5:27:24 AM
I agree with dragonbytes. The older I get the less I care about someone's "story". Probably heard it before and it has no bearing on the present. I'm more focused on the future now that I'm older.
I've dated men who seem overly impressed/interested in themselves but I'm sure there are women who act the same. Some just want an audience, need to share with others how awesome they are.
You're going to find people obsessed with themselves in any gender/age group.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 11
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 5:36:27 AM

Whatever information abut me that was given, I gave in the context of the conversation, as in, "Oh, so you were in a relationship for x amount of time....well my longest relationship was x amount of time and, etc."

It looks like you were telling things about yourself without him needing to ask you. This is an art by some of us men....and that guy probably has perfected it through the years.
I don't ask a lot of questions because I don't need to.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 12
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 5:43:37 AM

It looks like you were telling things about yourself without him needing to ask you. This is an art by some of us men....and that guy probably has perfected it through the years.
I don't ask a lot of questions because I don't need to.


You could very well be right....I did leave some "space" for him to ask questions, and noticed that he didn't....so yes, perhaps I'm volunteering more info than I think....

As far as knowing someone's "story"...well, I don't necessarily mean that, I'm just talking about preliminary, "get to know each other" type questions, like how many siblings do you have? Where do you work? etc.

As far as me identifying as a "talker" yes, I can talk a LOT at times, but when getting to know people I tend to do a lot of listening and asking questions....My writing style is, in essence, a monologue, so it's not really representative to how I have a conversation IRL....
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 13
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 6:52:03 AM

....we finally managed to have a conversation over the phone yesterday afternoon.


You haven't met the guy in person, and yet, you are wondering why he didn't ask you about every detail of your life, starting from the time you left you mother's womb to the present day. Is there a minimum number of question a guy must ask to be considered as acceptable behavior? If you have a minimum question quota, you should tell him beforehand, so he can revise his cue cards. Maybe he didn't want the phone conversation to become more like a job interview, and wanted to leave something to talk about when/if meeting in person.



I did leave some "space" for him to ask questions, and noticed that he didn't.


This sounds too much like game playing and keeping a score card. I would clam up too if it becomes more like a game or an interview. Do you actually plan on meeting him in real life, or did he fail your test?
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 14
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 7:01:18 AM

The art of listening is just as important as talking. And yes, it can come in all shapes and forms. Some forms are more comfortable than others to certain people.

You also should know or remember, some of us older guys have been knocked down enough times that when first getting to know a female, we tend to step very gingerly. Why?


This right here
A lot of men get told in their lifetime, over and over again. .. "You never listen!"
They're stumped. Confused even sometimes.
Eventually they reach an age they figure it's best they shut up and ..........listen.



Looks like you got yourself a listener Dee ;)
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 15
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 7:04:58 AM
I find that men don't have a NEED to know half the stuff that women feel a NEED to know in a first conversation or first or second date. Also, women use 1 million words to men's 5 words...or something to that effect. And, most men don't have a need to yammer on the telephone for a long time, I have a hard time myself chatting on the phone with my son for more than 10 minutes.

Its not them, its you.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 16
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 7:07:53 AM

Looks like you got yourself a listener Dee ;)


Actually, as I mentioned, he did most of the talking...

@maleman....No, not that calculating and no, no games, just "checking myself" to be sure that I wasn't talking too much, myself, or offering unwanted info...

As for whether or not he "passed my test" considering that I wasn't "testing" I'm going to say "no"...

Thanks ever so much for your, as usual, cynical input, though!!! With absolutely nothing constructive to add to the topic! lol

@ dee...You think that's really it????? lmao

Just so it's CLEAR.....
HE actually did most of the talking in RESPONSE to garden-variety get to know you questions.....I don't believe that he even asked ONE question, which perhaps that can be put down to my offering information.
I don't need anyone to know "every little detail" of my Life, nor do I want to know theirs....I also don't feel that asking initial questions to get to know someone as in where do you work and/or live, or do you have a pet? Is in line with my "NEEDING to know anything" just part of a natural process of getting to know people.
I am not "keeping score" either, thanks....

I have just noticed that in comparison to some younger guys that I've dated, that older men tend to not be terribly curious about knowing MUCH about me, as a person, and I've seen that go on for several dates, so was just curious as to if anybody else had the same/similar experiences.....
In fact, I have met older women who are very similar, so it's not even a gender thing....

Maybe a better way to have asked the question would have been, "Do you ask questions to get to know someone, and if not, then how do you go about it"?
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 17
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 7:43:00 AM
I don't get this.
If he did all the talking, what did he say?
Maybe he didn't ask questions because you answered any
questions he might ask by responding to his statements.
If he mentions the length of his relationships and you respond
with the length of your relationship, what exactly is he supposed
to ask?

It's been my experience that "talkers" (and I think you could be one)
often talk without listening, whereas listeners do the opposite. If at
the end of a conversation you realize someone knows everything
about you and you know nothing about them, it's your fault. I'm a
reformed talker who learned to STFU and listen, and I can tell you
from personal experience that "listeners" can learn a lot about you
by saying nothing at all.

I've also learned there is a big difference between a "talker" and
a conversationalist. Conversationalists know how to engage others
and they also know how to disengage when there is little or no
interest on the part of the engagee.
 TALL_IQ2
Joined: 12/22/2014
Msg: 18
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 7:58:03 AM
["As for whether or not he "passed my test" considering that I wasn't "testing" I'm going to say "no"..."]

It was a test. Simple.

If you want to know what he would have really asked, if he wasn't too concerned about passing your "test":


Why don't you have a recent full body picture? Or ANY recent pics at all? Instead of 10+ year old pics.

What is your REAL age? Weight?

Why did you not have any kids? Can you still?

Why do you both waste so much time talking about unimportant things instead of just using the one initial phone call to set up a RL "first meet"?

Now you may begin to understand why he didn't ask you those important questions on HIS mind...

S
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 19
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:03:50 AM
K, well the common consensus here seems to be that I'm talking too much and not allowing the other person to get a word in edgewise, and that I'm NOT listening at all....

Or that I'm offering too much information about myself...and not allowing him to ask questions.... Or else asking too many questions, period. Or else playing games and testing him, when I DO allow the person to ask a question....????
Now it's being suggested that I apparently don't know how to have a give and take conversation.... wonder what I've been DOING all of these years???? I MUST be delusional!!! lol

Or better yet, now I'm getting an unsolicited profile review which is kind of pointless because if you READ my OP you would see that my PROFILE HAS BEEN HIDDEN....Oh, and btw, the pics are less than 3 yrs. old and there are no new ones because I'm NOT actually on the market at the moment and sorry, unlike others, I don't have time to sit around taking pics of myself every time I move.....Oh and btw @tall...please don't tellME what I'm doing or not, seeing as you have NO idea...YOUR perception is NOT the "ultimate truth"....
Holy crow....this must be why people generally aren't starting threads about much more than nonsense on here these days...


Thanks for the useful input as for the rest, well, to each their own....
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 20
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:15:13 AM
Dee...Don't most women always want a man who's a good listener? That's what you got here. Why complain?

*facepalm*
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 21
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:18:27 AM
Forget I EVER brought the topic up, obviously it's apparent that for most people this is just an opportunity to come on and bash others because they're bored....

As for him being a "good listener"....I've already said several times that he DID MOST OF THE TALKING......So wasn't like there was a whole lot of "listening" going on, on HIS part.....

Ye gods!!!

Yup, be happy when this one dies....
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 22
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:30:34 AM
Oh Miss Dee. Don't let this bother you. Least you had the gumption to even start a new thread. Something severely lacking here these days. I don't post much anymore but do enjoy lurking and reading the forums. That is why I guess I have not left yet. I enjoy the back and forth and insight into folks on the forums. You learn a lot. Some things you want to know and others, hmmm.....not so much! lol
 Demidar
Joined: 10/22/2014
Msg: 23
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:30:39 AM
I do not consider it to be self centered because men decided they were done putting up with all the infantile games coming from women . At my age I do not consider myself self centered , no reason for me to put up with any more drama . Think this site has the most drama queens at one time in the same place that I have ever seen . More narcissism here than in a professional wrestling ring . I would like to know who must be paying these people to keep starting moronic threads .
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 24
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:34:48 AM

I would like to know who must be paying these people to keep starting moronic threads .


Really? God. You must be a real blast out on a date Demi. lmao
 Demidar
Joined: 10/22/2014
Msg: 25
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:37:23 AM
Actually I am a blast , not a poser like most .
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