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 forumgal1
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 1
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Man who has never had a relatonshipPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
So what would you think of a 40 something man who has never had a arealtionship, but is perfectly content to spend the day alone, playing video games. I suspect he is still a virgin...yet when we go out, we have the best time...then he disappears.

Pattern seems to be I lose touch and he contacts me...so I reply, then he pulls back?? What gives??
 ThatGirlNamedAlli
Joined: 12/28/2013
Msg: 2
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 1:12:52 PM
I personally wouldn't have the patience for that stuff. But whatever time you're willing to invest is up to you.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 3
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 1:18:14 PM

Pattern seems to be I lose touch and he contacts me...so I reply, then he pulls back?? What gives??

Who knows....YOU are the one having a good time when you go out with him. Is that a bad thing?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 4
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 1:19:48 PM
If you don't like the way he operates, just don't reply, don't deal with him.

I don't think anything of anyone who is content with whom they've become or are, that's homeostasis right there. Someone who is actually happy with who they are, is comfortable with solitude, is seemingly socially functional, and is not obsessed with companionship? I call that a highly evolved mother f*cker who needs no level of drama in his life and who is better off staying exactly like this.

He can only tolerate you in small doses because he has a drama-free life, so he can only entertain small dosages of everything that is not 100% peaceful. So he contacts you once in a while and you reply. Remember YOU reply, if you hated the situation, you wouldn't reply.

It sounds like the relationship I have with all my friends. They know I don't like to be smothered, so there are friends I speak to once a year if that, and friends I speak to once a month, and so on. I love them to death but if I seem them or speak to them more often, they'd drive me crazy. I don't like drama and that includes listening to their problems, so I decide when I'm ready to deal with that and how often. I'm extremely content to be in peace, alone, in complete silence, it's very calming.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 5
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 2:39:08 PM
^^^I agree totally with this~ Well put, BelleAtlantic ;-)
 forumgal1
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 6
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 3:36:30 PM
Thank you BelleAtlantic...and all the other posters.

Yes Belle..i can totally relate to what you say as I too love my own company best. What you say though makes perfect sense and in fact I recently stopped talking to a gf as she wanted daily contact and frankly I couldn't handled it and finally asked her to stop contacting me unless I contact her.

Thanks again for that perspective...I think you are absolutely correct! You are a wise and highly evolved young woman.

So in terms of your dating life...how do you handle dating if you like so much privacy...do you date an introverted type of person?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 7
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 3:47:41 PM

I call that a highly evolved mother f*cker who needs no level of drama in his life and who is better off staying exactly like this.


And what mind boggles people is when they actually are introduced to people that "do" things a little differently than the majority. Already, OP, you have seen how some people react to "different" with some of the replies here in your post. The man probably has had "relationships", just not the ones like everyone else believes is "normal" (whatever that means).

In my life, I have been asked if I am gay, hate women, mentally challenged, and numerous other things because of how I deal with my dating/social life/interactions, relationships. I have a very low tolerance for, as Belle states, "drama", or silliness. The people that do know me, know that it isn't very wise to pick away at me over "things" because it doesn't last long. We are only here, on this earth, for a period of time. Sometimes, it isn't very long. Why waste it on "shiat"????? (shiat is defined all relative to the individual)
 forumgal1
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 8
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 4:50:03 PM
Thank you Walts. Yes I understand your points...you don't suffer fools and why waste time doing it.

I think sometimes it is better to spend time with yourself...rather than endure the company of persons who do have drama...I know people don't understand., there is a difference between being 'alone' and being 'lonely'.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 9
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 4:58:16 PM
well....can't be any more different than a 50 year old guy who hasn't had a relationship last more than 6 months in his whole life......yet now he all of a sudden wants to settle down, get married, and start a family......

yet he is a person who won't reach out....and seems to go for all the "welfare trash" type of women.....and when it blows up in his face....he complains about it.

I've watched his pattern for years....I finally told him as a friend he just doesn't have the relationship skills needed to maintain one because he won't communicate, much less try. He still doesn't get it and he never will.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 10
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 5:05:03 PM

So in terms of your dating life...how do you handle dating if you like so much privacy...do you date an introverted type of person?


There really is no simple answer to that....but I will try. It is about finding someone who is compatible with me, someone who is just about as calm/mellow as I am or even more than me. To deal with someone like me requires patience, assertiveness, and acceptance. I can deal with just about anyone as long as they respect what I'm about. I am intense in some ways, I am 100% into whatever I do, and that intensity is often confusing to people.

For example, if I like something, I will want it for at least 3 days in a row, but on the 4th day, I want nothing to do with it and need a break. The fact that I am not continuous in certain aspects or do things in intervals, has often lead to ex boyfriends suspect that I was cheating (which wasn't the case). It takes time to get used to someone like me, who when I want you, I want all of you in every shape, way, or form, but when I need a break, I may need a day or two of no contact, to get back to my center. Similarly when there are problems, I'm deciding if I'd like to continue the relationship or not, it isn't about solving the specific problem, because it will get resolved if I still want to be with them. I'm not into arguments, I'd be the first to walk away and disappear for a few days, my tolerance for BS is extremely low.

I am spiritually inclined, so I need time with myself to center, to stay 100% connected, to block all the BS, and be peaceful, and time to state how grateful I am for everything I have, for every single person who is part of my life, etc. Giving back to yourself and the universe is the greatest thing you can do, as the universe provides for all we have. That is a conversation that I need to have with myself in total isolation, to be one with the universe. Some people cannot go a day without practicing yoga, I can't go a day without doing a few minutes of meditation either in the morning or at night. I have hippie tendencies.

It's like what you described with that guy, you'd have a great time every time you went out with him, but then he would forget you exist, until you cross his mind again. It has nothing to do with you, it's just that everyone's tolerance for certain things vary.

I date at my own pace, and if they can follow, great. That's really it. Some people can deal with my quirks and some can't. I say the benefits outweigh it all, but that's not for me to decide obviously.

Hope it made some sense.


We are only here, on this earth, for a period of time. Sometimes, it isn't very long. Why waste it on "shiat"????? (shiat is defined all relative to the individual)


In short, yes, that's exactly it. Life is too short to not be happy.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 7:07:10 PM
I've never been well to do, so I never had any real chance of "dating" in the manner that so many people seem to think is imperative, where they go on a series of mini-vacations with each other, and spend lots of time and money on entertainment distractions. After they repeat those escapades enough times, they calculate that they should move on to "real life," which all too often consists of each person assuming different kinds of "real." After a while, one or both declare that the other one has, or hasn't really changed, or that they were deceptive from the beginning, and then they split up.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if this fellow didn't think he was "disappearing" at all. Just living as he always does, cycling in and out of social interaction with others without even noticing that while from his own point of view, thinking about someone is the same as talking to them...that from everyone else's point of view, thinking about them is invisible and undetectable. Possibly even a sign of rejection or loss of interest. I can certainly understand that, from both sides.

It sounds as though, as always, the difference between your expectations for a relationship, and what you experience with him is the challenge. It's important when dealing with someone who doesn't follow common social patterns, to try to be aware that what you think of as silent communication, may be nothing of the kind. It can be identical to the challenge of dealing with large cultural differences, with the crippling confusion of the fact that the person doesn't outwardly appear to be as different as they functionally are. It's easy to remember that someone who looks "foreign" might not mean the same thing as you do when you utter a phrase, or perform some small action, but when the person appears to be from your own background, you might not realize you are logging affronts by them inaccurately.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 7:41:15 PM
Let's just say that I agree with a lot of what Belle said in her posts here - I too can only deal with certain people in small doses. I too enjoy my solitude and can't really do a lot of drama. Perhaps that's what's happening here. It may be that he likes you but his pace is what it is - and doesn't match yours. You both may not be a match for each other, but perfect for someone else.

Wait a bit longer to see what happens, I guess.
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 13
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 8:14:09 PM

BelleAtlantic: He can only tolerate you in small doses because he has a drama-free life, so he can only entertain small dosages of everything that is not 100% peaceful. So he contacts you once in a while and you reply. Remember YOU reply, if you hated the situation, you wouldn't reply.

Excellent insight, Belle Atlantic. He sounds like he lacks relationship and social skills.

By age 40, men who have never been married will very likely remain bachelors for the rest of their lives.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 14
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 9:06:02 PM
Guys like this are a dime a dozen in LA. Probably the entertainment industry that pulls them in. You need alot of introverted, socially retarded types who can spend a long long time lost in alternate worlds.

I would rather be, and am...alone, than to spend one more minute talking about Star Wars or some TV show I dont watch. In my career I spend enough time thinking about that stuff. I dont want to come home and start round two.

Men need to cross the "man bridge" in early adulthood or trust me..comic books and the latest Darth Vader sculpture are going to be far far more inciting than your vagina.

Interestingly, a few of these men do finally manage to snag a woman. I've watched with amazement at a few guys I thought would be "man-children for life" and yet, they found a woman who appreciates them. Perhaps by the time they hit 40-50 they've ripened some, and have spent enough time collecting Spiderman and Green Hornet stuff and are ready for what's really missing in their lives.

I do know of one guy who took a dating class, where you practice going out on dates with people, because clearly he knew he was struggling with social skills and needed to learn some stuff. This guy was obsessed with the Flinstones and Bozo The Clown. So, you can see where he was kinda going off the rails.

Hahah! Man, that sounds so ridiculous. But, I make cartoons for a living and have spent years going to the ComicCon, and know exactly the type-o-guy the OP is referring to. I've found they make good friends, but are not my sort of relationship material.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 15
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 9:15:11 PM

He sounds like he lacks relationship and social skills.


But.....


..yet when we go out, we have the best time.


Doesn't sound like a guy who lacks relationship and social skills to me.

Sounds more like a guy who is a strong introvert who likes to step outside of his comfort zone now and then, and then retreat back into it.


So what would you think of a 40 something man who has never had a relationship


I suspect he is still a virgin.


Sounds like a great idea for a movie.

What??!
They already made one??
 Doremi_Fasolatido
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 16
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/20/2015 9:25:33 PM
# 15... The man bridge is only as strong as the man it is supporting. Men still have childlike ideas and thoughts. How we act on them determines our level of "manliness".

And, The Flinstones. Bozo the clown? Really, I grew up when these charachters were new. To me, they were cutting edge and I am still trying to find a barber who can give me a Fred Flinstone haircut. Oh, and Bozo the clown was one of the social models I emulated. Along with the 3 stooges.

But, I don't live in LA. And, everyone is different, for sure. And, I'd probably feel bad for someone who never had a relationship.
 arlo2
Joined: 5/30/2013
Msg: 17
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/21/2015 12:08:47 AM
It sounds like his only "problem" is that he isn't doing what the OP wants him to do.
Otherwise, he sounds to be happy; if, a bit unorthodox.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 18
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/21/2015 1:28:28 AM

Men need to cross the "man bridge" in early adulthood or trust me..comic books and the latest Darth Vader sculpture are going to be far far more inciting than your vagina.


Pffft, f*ck the Darth Vader sculpture.

Just spend a couple hundred bucks on a really bad ass Darth Vader costume, and work it into some role playing fun.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 19
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/21/2015 3:19:35 AM
Well, OP you don't say if this is actually a relationship or is heading in that direction?

While yes, he does sound as though he is content with his Life, the fact is that if you want an intimate relationship that requires actually being present to your partner NOT just when YOU want to, but sometimes when THEY need it, too...compromise IS the foundation of any intimate relationship...then you won't find that here or with him.

Somebody who enjoys their own solitude that much and doesn't have time for other people's feelings if they don't 'fit in' to THEIR plans or timing, is someone that you can have a limited relationship with and you'll just have to accept that IS who they are....and the relationship, such as it is, will ALSO be limited, not to mention centered around THEM and their needs.

That's pretty clear from the behaviour.
He will spend time with you when he wants to and, if your Mother dies and you're looking for emotional support, then I suggest that you look elsewhere, lest that be perceived as too much "drama" for him to handle.

While we all need time alone, and I mean ALONE and not lonely, if he is incapable of being 'present' and putting his own needs aside to accommodate you in his Life, then the limitations are clear.

If you're interested in more, then you need to go and find someone who can approach a relationship from a less self-absorbed and more mature place. But, if you're having fun and don't actually need or want any further degree of intimacy, then by all means, this sounds like the guy for you!
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 20
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/21/2015 12:24:16 PM
Sounds like this man-child is the embodiment of the perfect social/biological storm.
He may be somewhere on the high functioning end of the Asperger's-Autism scale, introverted to some degree, but more importantly to me is that his real life interactions do not provide him with the neural chemical stimulation he receives from video games.
Face it, for some people, video gaming provides an immediate rush of neurotransmitters, much along the same line as I've heard folk describe for porn. I get the connection in both scenarios: with porn you have the hormonal flux/flush creating a tremendous feedback loop, with gaming the rush of conquering a level, decimating aliens or other sundry bad guys, creates another type of feedback loop of pleasure.
Back during law school, and then a little while taking some business classes, I played games like Civ, doom, and Half-life (loved that game) for hours at a time (and not a few times all nighter's). Can't do that anymore! But it was a great way to blow off some anxiety (when an entire semester grade is hanging on one test - anxiety is gonna build). But this fella has made gaming his world. I bet he has an entire community of fellow online gamers he communicates with on a regular basis, during games and sometimes outside of the games - but no face to face.

The man-child has made a choice, if you think this is the type of relationship you can stomach have at it. Otherwise I would bail now, and be there to offer support and direction when his personal world crashes.

TK
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/21/2015 2:08:05 PM
If he has a job, his own place, friends and or family that he stays in touch, with then I'd say he's just a man content with his choices. Gamers are a different breed but if he is happy then that's all that matters.
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 22
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/21/2015 3:23:42 PM


I call that a highly evolved mother f*cker


Damn! Sounds like a script for an Alien or Predator flick!

I suppose there are degrees, or a spectrum, of attitudes regarding being alone.

Desperation at one end and totally self-absorbed/apathetic at the other.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 23
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/22/2015 10:55:54 AM

So what would you think of a 40 something man who has never had a arealtionship, but is perfectly content to spend the day alone, playing video games. I suspect he is still a virgin...yet when we go out, we have the best time...then he disappears.

Wait though -- are you just on a platonic level with him? If so, why would he want to spend the whole night with you 1-on-1? That'd be weird. If you guys are non-platonic, then yeah, that's weird.

Pattern seems to be I lose touch and he contacts me...so I reply, then he pulls back?? What gives??

Well, what you said -- he's 40-something, and never been in a real relationship. He's not wanting to risk going down a slippery slope toward one with you. That's all. That concept of him may be exaggerated because he's not that into you, so he stretches it to avoid disappointment or frustration in ya.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 24
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Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/22/2015 12:00:25 PM

By age 40, men who have never been married will very likely remain bachelors for the rest of their lives.

it should be pointed out that emotional depth and a desire for long term, monogamous relating are not exclusive to those subscribing to marriage.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 25
Man who has never had a relatonship
Posted: 3/22/2015 4:06:34 PM
OP, what I think is compatibility issues?

According to your post he’s content with how he lives his life while it seems to be unsettling to you!
All you can do is talk to him about your view on things and see whether the two of you can find a way suitable for both of you.

Yet given the fact that he’s 40 years old and content, he may not see any need to rethink/adjust things.

Saying, you basically have to decide whether the good times shared are worth it for you to keep up with his otherwise unsettling ways, but once you talked to him you gave it an honest try.
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