Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 GoodMissM
Joined: 2/7/2013
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I've been doing this site only for a month or so. But I'm really frustrated with how things are turning out. Rarely do I initiate conversation with someone who has not already been 'matched' with me in some way. I understand that clicking 'Maybe' is treated as a 'yes' on here, but even those Maybe's can turn out to be something. And I accept that if I initiate a Hello, if I don't receive a response within a couple days, he's just not interested.
Anyway. My concern is when I find myself in a conversation with a man that spreads out over a few days or more and then suddenly they just disappear, stop talking, no responses to my messages. It seems like things are going well, I'm trying not to over-talk about myself, I ask probing questions in a fun way to learn more about him, I'm enjoying the conversation. Then suddenly, nothing.
What is the deal with this? I understand that if you realize you don't feel a connection you want to end things, but why can't men be more respectful? Why is suddenly ignoring someone acceptable? Is it too much to ask to receive a short note that says "We had some great conversations but I'm just not feeling a connection. Good bye and good luck." I'm a very honest person, I have a very wide range of the types of men I am interested in; I know that at my age looks are not everything; I strive to find the good in everyone.
So, am I doing something wrong? Am I expecting too much? Or are most men on here just jerks?
 Eternityboreme
Joined: 3/18/2015
Msg: 2
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/9/2015 4:16:23 PM
You need to move on to the next profile.

It happens -- people lose interest and find somebody. You'll find yourself in this position, some day, too/ They don't have to tell you that they're no longer interested as you're online a screen name and typed words to them. Imagine all of the men who demand that they receive a rejection notice, only to react negatively to the women who do extend that courtesy. Don't be one of these people.

What I would suggest to you is not to waste time on time wasters by having extended conversations for days on end. If they're not ready to meet now, they'll never meet you. Forget them and move forward to the next message.

Another thing is that you have to grow a thick skin and not take their disappearances too personally. Chances are that they do this with other people with whom they speak. Others think they have found the "right" partners (and sometimes, they do!) and then they return after two weeks and want to pick up where they left off; don't communicate with these people.

If you're going to strive to find the the good in everyone, you must understand that they're also human beings who must choose what's best for themselves, even if it doesn't include you.
 alphapete
Joined: 9/6/2014
Msg: 3
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/9/2015 4:55:42 PM
might just be talking to you to fill time or until something better comes along. maybe you said something to upset them... who knows. women do the same thing. Don't worry about it an talk to someone else that wans to talk..
 tgif333
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 4
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/9/2015 5:09:20 PM
eternity did a 100% reply in msg 2

i'll only add that men and women have a "kid in a candy store" mentality online.

ever take your dog for a walk and see him sniff? he'll stop somewhere and put his nose to the ground and you can't get him to move. then when he gets enough he walks a few feet and does the same thing.
then over and over... what's this? what's this? what's this??

that's online dating. so many to choose from.
don't take it to heart. supplement online with asking men out in real life.
you may do better there as well.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 12:19:10 AM

It seems like things are going well, I'm trying not to over-talk about myself, I ask probing questions in a fun way to learn more about him, I'm enjoying the conversation. Then suddenly, nothing.


How probing is probing? I can think of a few times when i've had lists of questions virtually barked at me like it was a demand for me to justify myself, i'll talk til the cows come home and don't mind answering questions if the questioner is prepared to read the novelization of the answer, some guys are put off by too much questioning though, it can feel uncomfortable if it isn't a natural back and forth.

Some guys might move on if the conversation doesn't move towards intimacy fast enough for them, some might be talking to a few women at once and one of them stuck way out in front of the others so the others kinda ceased to exist. Yes it would be nice if people said "I'm not feeling it so i think we should call it quits" or whatever their reason actually is, but a lot of people don't want to deal with any drama from the rejected person so going poof just seems like the hassle free option.
 Joegl209
Joined: 10/13/2014
Msg: 6
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 1:09:14 AM
Usually ignoring is meant to scorn someone or alternatively, they might not want to reject you outright because they do not have the balls to tell you they're not interested. Either way, not all men are jerks and it could be how you're coming off if this is not the first time this has happened to you. What is your definition of probing questions in a fun way? Also, I wouldn't assume people are interested in me just because we chatted over a couple of days, maybe they're just being friendly?
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 7
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 4:46:01 AM

I ask probing questions in a fun way

that phrase jumped off the page at me.


but why can't men be more respectful?

it COULD BE they think your probing questions aren't very respectful. the second I get probing questions from someone I've never even met, I think nunya and next.


Is it too much to ask to receive a short note that says "We had some great conversations but I'm just not feeling a connection. Good bye and good luck."

no it's not too much to ask according to you, but it isn't your decision to make. didn't you get the message when they started ignoring you? the net result is the same, isn't it? you want a written explanation? most people won't bother because it invites fallout.... BUT WHY.

just let it go. making demands of men who are already ignoring you is an exercise in futility.


Or are most men on here just jerks?

I smell an attitude.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 8
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 4:58:32 AM
It would be nice that people here act the way we "think" they "should". The problem being, if it actually is a problem, is that not all will act, think or respond according to what we, as individuals "think" they "should". With that, their actions/reactions/non replies act as a filter, quickly eliminating people that do not "match" with you, as an individual.

If you think about it OP, you really shouldn't be complaining but, instead, be happy that the filter is working.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 7:34:02 AM
GoodMissM;

Feeling connected is vital to our experience of being human. Is it any wonder then, that we may feel frustrated and hurt with social disruption such as being ignored? Especially, if we are highly sensitive.

"So, am I doing something wrong?"
Inability to determine a balance of responsibility can descend into a form of self-blame, self-reproach.
Try not to allow these situations to cause you to be responsible for the actions, behaviours of others.
Self-blaming creates, intensifies perceived inadequacies, causes self-devaluation and we assume fault or responsibility that is not our own (over responsible).

"Am I expecting too much?"
Try not to allow these situations to cause you to lose confidence by creating self doubt.

"Or are most men on here just jerks?"
Try not to judge others so harshly for the sudden social disruption as the actual reason may be unavoidable, shy, anxious, hidden disability or just handling a situation differently than yourself. Most will do the best they can given their perceived resources at the time.

Instead, take command by learning to accept that these situations will happen from time to time and people are imperfect. Recognize these situations as an opportunity for a learning experience through introspection and self-discovery.

If we fail to acknowledge human imperfection or cling to a persistent need to be right (self-justification trap), "or are most men on here just jerks?", the opportunities will escape us while expending vast amounts of energy trying to reinforce walls that are crumbling all around us.
 tgif333
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 10
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 5:21:58 PM

I ask probing questions in a fun way


I like that word.

PROBE
 GoodMissM
Joined: 2/7/2013
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 7:19:16 PM
Ok maybe probing wasn't the right word. I just mean questions to get to know someone in a general sense. What do you like to do for fun? Do you like sports? Oh yeah? Which ones; have you gone to a game? Do you like to travel? Where have you gone? What did you like doing there?
Things like that. I'm not probing for depth here. Another issue is I'm the one always doing the talking, even if HE was the one to initiate first contact with me. After awhile, I'm like, is there anything you want to know about me? Somestimes I'll get a question, other times, it seems to end there.
As for the jerk comment, I'm not trying to generalize here. I really don't think they all are, I just feel like those are the only one's I'm getting here.
 GoodMissM
Joined: 2/7/2013
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 7:29:04 PM
I think you misunderstood what I was saying.
First, the probing issue was just addressed on a lower comment.
Second, nothing I ever ask could be deemed as disrespectful. I stick clearly with conversation and questions appropriate for meeting a new person: What do you like to do for fun? How long have you lived her? What kind of music do you like to listen to? I even stay away from such sticklers as what do you do; and certainly stay clear of questions like why did you get a divorce.
Third, I don't make demands of anyone. And if I've been ignored, if it is clear to me our talking is over, conversation is deleted. No chasing, begging for answers, etc. I was simply and rhetorically wondering why it's so hard for people to provide a common sense of courtesy. I have it in me, so it's baffling why so many others don't.
Fourth, no attitude, just trying to figure out if I expect too much decency out of people or if it just doesn't exist anymore.
 tgif333
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 13
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/10/2015 7:37:28 PM
decency?
as America moves closer to being a Kardashian Society decency towards others will become more of a rarity.

online communication is different than the real world because face to face people tend to be a tad more polite.

you're going to encounter lots of rude people on here. use online as a supplemental and ask men out in the real world more often.

your age preference is only to 44 which is only 7 years more than your own age. how about if you go to 49 and see if you get more mature responses.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 14
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/11/2015 5:39:59 AM

Fourth, no attitude, just trying to figure out if I expect too much decency out of people or if it just doesn't exist anymore.

duly noted, along with your other points of clarification. thanks.

i would refrain from wondering about human nature based on your experiences on a dating site like POF. online dating can swing from frustrating to bizarre on a moment's notice. i don't think this is a decency issue, at least not 100% of the time.... it's probably only 50%. the other 50% are just as frustrated or confused as you are, because they probably discovered that trying to be 'decent' (as you're defining it here) only gets them a ration of shit from whoever they were talking to.

in the end you are wasting your own time wondering about the reasons people disappear. you will never know. focus on the people who actually want to meet you, and then focus on the ones you met that you actually liked, and vice versa. the rest is all throwaway stuff.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 15
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/11/2015 6:16:41 AM
People are becoming more disposable to one another as we are all being absorbed into this "online culture" where staring at celphones is the norm rather than smiling and making eye contact with those around you, and when online, people are free to quickly reject and move on from things that they decide are either boring them or not worth their time.

You are not given the courtesy of an explanation or goodbye because that might open up the situation to a small confrontation, or a moment of awkwardness. This can be easily avoided so people just vanish.

People are vanishing from being aware and present in real life, by staring at celphones and screens constantly, and are also only half present while online too, flitting from interaction to interaction like a quickly bored hummingbird.

We absolutely value one another less. We feel no obligation to be civil because...we do we need to be? And online, you can live as a half person, ignoring others, bullying and hurting them with little consequence if any..and vanishing on them again, with no repercussions.

The lack of any obligation or consequence is very addictive. People are already programmed to avoid any sort of conflict.

Online culture makes this possible. Online dating is, in my opinion, filled of fakes, flakes, lies, smoke and mirrors and people who just want to use you, and once they are done, they're over and out.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/11/2015 6:23:58 AM
Why they stop responding is really not that useful a question.

If you're the one who's carrying all the conversations, they were either not that interested in the first place, or somehow not capable of moving things forward.

Neither one of those categories produces viable dating options in the long run.

So, forget about the ones who don't respond and focus on the ones who do. In online dating, nothing is real until you meet in person, and even then it takes a few dates to find out whether it's more than a one day wonder.

There are no instant relationships, and there's a lot of fall out with online dating. I wish I had my statistics, but out of every initial contact, there were only a very small number of first dates. And out of over 70 first dates, I only ended up marrying one guy. View this as a whittling down process, and you'll be happier.

That said, firing off a bunch of questions can come across as the third degree, so maybe lay off that a little. If a guy doesn't ask you anything about you -- again -- no interest or no conversational skills ---> NEXT!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 17
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/11/2015 10:15:44 AM
I think it's healthy to keep a perspective on this online type of communication -
It is NOT "Talking". At least not in the face-to-face vocal sense. You are sending a blind text message (that doesn't magically carry your emotional inflections or tact or your own perspective very well) to God-knows-who who may or may not be doing God-knows-what.

A face to face conversation usually 'requires' some sort of apology or excuse to leave - you also get to hear and see their emotional tone in their voice and vocal expressions. Here, online - there is NONE of that - all of those little subtle things are left to your own imagination - and imagination doesn't have to be even remotely close to reality.

This online site crap is totally impersonal for hundreds of people in here - it's more or less a video game where the 'Reset' button gets pushed the instant you don't like what is happening, or want to play something else. The sad part is, even pay sites are full of these flakes as well. You would think if they paid a couple quarters at the 'arcade' that they would stick to the video game until it ends, but noooo - people walk away all the time.

This is not a phenomenon that's exclusive to men OR women - flakes come in more flavors here than they do in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. Even if they may not be deliberate liars - you may also find others that simply are anti-social and won't leave their comfort zone for anyone. The best I can think to do is encourage real-life conversation. Get them actually talking with their voice on the phone - no texts. The phonies will drop off like flies because their whole 'game' is stringing people along via messages.

Keep in mind that 'Dating' starts when you meet in real life, not before. All of this online messaging crap is just to get a phone number, and that's about it. Don't ever fall in love with anything on the internet - nothing is ever 'Real' until you meet.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 18
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/11/2015 7:48:59 PM
Anyway. My concern is when I find myself in a conversation with a man that spreads out over a few days or more and then suddenly they just disappear, stop talking, no responses to my messages. It seems like things are going well, I'm trying not to over-talk about myself, I ask probing questions in a fun way to learn more about him, I'm enjoying the conversation. Then suddenly, nothing.
What's the deal with this?
------------------------------------------------
After reading your profile, this is my take on it. First, you have wants to date, but nothing serious. If it were me, I would consider that to mean "potential hook up." At the bottom of your profile, you say something different, along the lines of, no one night stands, no hook ups, no sex before the third date. So, the question is, "which is it?" So you get a message which goes along fine until a guy figures out it's the latter and then he drops the conversation. I would not have felt obligated to give a reason. I would simply have not replied any longer.
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 19
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/11/2015 8:47:41 PM

Another issue is I'm the one always doing the talking, even if HE was the one to initiate first contact with me. After awhile, I'm like, is there anything you want to know about me?


Why should YOU do all the work?! If he can't even carry his end of the conversation, he may be lazy in other aspects of the relationship too.

The worst is when the guy types one word responses and then starts bugging you for a phone number so he doesn't have to do "all this typing". Pure laziness.

Your profile might give a bit of a mixed message. You say you're not looking for a hookup, but your status also says not looking for anything serious. You might want to be a bit more clear on that. JMO.

By the way, the line about not jumping into bed with a guy before the third date makes it sound like you WILL have sex on the third date. Like it's a certainty! I personally don't like to put a number on it, but if I did, I wouldn't TELL the number LOL!
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 20
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/11/2015 9:00:53 PM

your age preference is only to 44 which is only 7 years more than your own age. how about if you go to 49 and see if you get more mature responses.


I think you should stick to exactly what you prefer. What's the point of getting responses from men who fall outside of your age preferences?

7 years is a plenty big enough gap IMO.

Besides, there is NO evidence to suggest that a 49 year old man is more mature than a 47 year old man, or a 39 year old is more mature than a 37 year old.

Furthermore, I have read in this forum that men will say they are 49 when they are over 50 because many women have a cut off that ends at 50. The same applies for men who say they are 39. Many freely admit that they lie so that women whose cut off is 40 will still see their profile.

The next time I meet someone I am asking for proof of age on the first meet!
 GoodMissM
Joined: 2/7/2013
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/12/2015 6:44:04 AM
Thanks all. Very insightful thoughts and opinions. It is helping me develop a better sense of what I'm doing, what I want and how to get it. I am constantly updating my profile in response to the kinds of interest/responses I get. Such as if I start getting a certain type of guy that is not meeting my needs or expectations, I go through my profile and try to figure out what I can change that might steer more into the direction of what I"m looking for. It certainly is an interesting process.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 22
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/12/2015 8:45:42 AM

Such as if I start getting a certain type of guy that is not meeting my needs or expectations, I go through my profile and try to figure out what I can change that might steer more into the direction of what I'm looking for.


Don't assume too much from one bad match. People make that mistake all the time. Sometimes the guys that fouled up the last date were just fish grabbing for baits of opportunity, not a general trend. One bad date does not mean all men are evil. <<< I realize that's a huge over-generalization, but people keep surprising me in here with how much they assume from just a couple experiences. Changing a profile too often doesn't give people time to respond to specific profile texts. Some people only log in once a week - or less, so changing it every few days is simply too much unnecessary work.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 23
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/18/2015 8:14:16 PM

Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?

For the same reason women do -- they're Not That Interested in you. They feel they can do better.

Why is suddenly ignoring someone acceptable?

Because you're just a profile on a website.

Is it too much to ask to receive a short note that says "We had some great conversations but I'm just not feeling a connection. Good bye and good luck."

Yes, it is too much to ask. Really, "connection"? That's just vague stuff. It's often not going to be left at that response, by the one rejected. The rejectee will Want that, don't get me wrong. But many, once they do, ask (understandably) Why not? Why were they interested before, and not now? And they'll want a straight answer, and their emotion of feeling rejected will give them more frustration.

This isn't a male-female thing. It's a people thing.

You can't expect the other person to have truth serum and say: "Well, you seemed OK... I was bored enough to have enough interest to garner some attention. In the end though, the concept itself lost it's luster. Just needed some batting practice." or "In the end though a cuter girl wrote me and made me realize that I can do better. Thanks."

I would find that more rude. Ya know, the truth. Anything besides that still leaves things open-ended, which is still putting you in the same place as being ignored, once you experience it. Because they're still ignoring you -- they're just giving you vague BS giving you the heads up. But when you're just a profile online, one should expect the other person to disappear. IMO, it'd only be offensive if ya set up plans to meet and THEN they disappear. That would be WTF. But just talking, and them disappearing? Yah. Happens. Don't get upset.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/24/2015 3:47:40 AM
You girls that get all upset about some guy that you chat to on here, you really need to toughen up and not take it too seriously.
Until and unless you have actually met, nothing is real. The person could be anyone, I mean anyone and you need to have a strong self of self to do this online dating lark and if you are getting hurt, you really need to take a break or get a different attitude.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?
Posted: 5/24/2015 8:13:26 AM

Is it too much to ask to receive a short note that says "We had some great conversations but I'm just not feeling a connection. Good bye and good luck."


It IS too much to ask for, since there is no connection if you never meet in person. The only connection is the fantasy image in your head of what you want him to be. Like it has been said a million times here, nothing is real until you meet. At some point while playing text ping pong, did you tell them you're separated (if they didn't notice it on your profile right away), which means you're still married? That could chase away a lot of guys, thinking it should be self explanatory why they lost interest. And if texts start feeling like a job interview, that will chase away guys who don't to tell you your interview skills suck.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Why do men disappear after a couple days of talking?