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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.      Home login  
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 Millionpaws
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 1
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Does anyone have any experience of this?

I have no kids and am completely free to do whatever I choose whenever I choose so I have absolutely no experience with this.
Will admit that my attempts to date men with young, dependent children has been fraught with hassles as the kids always come first.
Making going away for a weekend, going out, holidays etc incredibly difficult.

There is a man of my acquaintance, who I have met via work – in real life - who is a truly lovely man.
One of this planet’s true gentlemen.
Our working project is coming to an end in the next few days so unless one or the other of us does something we may never see each other again.

Before I make any advances I would like to prepare myself just in case it all went very well.
I do not want to get to know him romantically and then have to tell him I cannot handle his adult Downs Syndrome child.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 2
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Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/19/2015 11:00:30 PM
You are going to have to talk to the man and find out the level of support he has to provide for his adult child. The is a wide range in the level of disability for people with DS.
 import_from_uk
Joined: 5/12/2015
Msg: 3
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/20/2015 7:08:54 AM
I agree about the wide levels of self-sufficiency in those with Downs Syndrome. A friend of mine has her adult brother-in-law living with her family and although David will never be able to live fully independently, he walks back and forth to the bus stop to ride public transport into his job and has a wide circle of friends within the community. He watches her children age 10 and up for short periods of time if she runs an errand and he's pretty independant. Others don't have the same levels of ability or judgement as David does.

Speak to the Dad. See how much care his son requires, and get an understanding of how that impacts his life. If his son resides with him, there might well be restrictions on weekends away or such but not on dates. He might well have a large support group in his community/family who are willing and able to step in if needed. Only once you have a firm understanding on how this impacts the father's life on a daily basis, will you be able to assess the impact this does (or doesn't) have on the potential of long term partners.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 4
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Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/20/2015 10:47:12 AM
I have friends with older disabled children. One lives independently in a group home, goes to work daily and is high functioning, the other is like a child and will need care for the rest of his life. Every situation is different.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 5
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Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/20/2015 10:56:11 PM
Downs? I would not only take this opportunity, but take it by the hand.

You can't walk away from a relationship with a person with Down's syndrome without being reminded of what unadulterated love, beauty and vulnerability is ... at least not in my experiences, which are pretty vast.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 6
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/21/2015 12:01:18 AM
OZSL1...as a man who similarly has no children like you, I could envision how this could be quite daunting.
As others have shared, it will be important to ascertain the range and depth of issues faced by his adult child.

For example, could the child be left alone for two hours while you go out to dinner, or would that be too stressful?
You are an intelligent, wise, and sophisticated individual. I am sure you will uncover the ideal pathway to take.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 7
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/21/2015 5:22:45 AM

I do not want to get to know him romantically and then have to tell him I cannot handle his adult Downs Syndrome child.

so ask him out and make up another reason later if you need to. that's what most people do.

think about it. since you don't know him very well anyway.... there are any number of other reasons you could discover why it will not work, that could emerge in the process of getting into each others' space.

I think if you are interested in him, you should let him know it and let the chips fall where they may.

I have no experience with downs syndrome and I would avoid anyone who has children with it, because i don't have patience for most normal people much less someone who in a permanent state of childhood albeit likely very sweet. but that's just my own personal limitation.

haha, ppl still calling you ozsealady.... welcome back, btw.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 8
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/21/2015 5:32:34 AM
p.s. I believe that if you don't KNOW his family situation is a limitation FOR YOU, then there is something of value to be gained in finding out.... and you just might discover something wonderful and amazing. what do you have to lose?
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 9
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/21/2015 8:33:24 AM
a truly lovely man. One of this planet’s true gentlemen. ....... I cannot handle his adult Downs Syndrome child.



When you look at it this way, it's rather sad isn't it?
Millionpaws (welcome back btw!!! *waves) would you really forgo the opportunity to be friends with one of this planet's true gentlemen because of the adult DS child?
This could be a great life experience, meeting such a person. The DS person I mean and you get to be with his father.
Never know if you don't try :)

And if he truly is a gentleman then he will assist you in learning how to interact with his son. Answer any question and concern you have. Do ask them!
Good luck!!!


edit* I should add that I presume he is quite prepared to deal with any issues from anyone of not being able to handle his son.
I don't think he would fault you. He sounds like someone that would be understanding.
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 10
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Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/21/2015 10:12:31 AM

I have no kids and am completely free to do whatever I choose whenever I choose so I have absolutely no experience with this.
Will admit that my attempts to date men with young, dependent children has been fraught with hassles as the kids always come first.
Making going away for a weekend, going out, holidays etc incredibly difficult.


-- Know thyself
Don't let your infatuation with this gentlemen cloud your judgment in regards to how much you're willing to sacrifice and forgo.

You seem to have a low level of tolerance regarding normal dependent children, which you are perfectly entitled too and understandable at your age. Don't set yourself, the gentlemen or the child up for the hurt that will come already knowing you do not want the lifestyle restrictions or sacrifices required dating a parent with a special needs child.
 Millionpaws
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 11
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/21/2015 3:55:51 PM
Thank you all for your lovely comments thus far. :)

More information:
He has not dated for about 15 years as he has been concentrating on being a dad.
He has worked full time and had 2 children full time for most of those years.
The older child - mid 20's is working full time and attending university part time whilst living with dad.

The adult DS child now is mostly with mum - at the request of the mother.
She does not work and is a 100% carer for him on carers benefits.

There are other obstacles.

1. As he now has his Downs Syndrome adult child less frequently he has new found freedom.
He is calling it "His Time".
When I ask him what does he want - he says he does not know.

2. The mother is not well (Cancer) and there is the real possibility that as her health deteriorates she will not be able to provide care.

3. He has said that probably the reason that I have not found love is that men find me intimidating and that he can understand why.
Says that I should not change and deserve a man who can handle my career and lifestyle. (How sweet is that?)

4. He has spent so much time putting other people first especially his kids, that he has let certain things about himself go.
The one that bothers me the most is his teeth.

He desperately needs major dental work.
He has asked me about what is available for him when I went to the dentist.
His mouth is not pretty.
Looks to me like multiple rotten stumps and multiple missing teeth.
However with modern dentistry his smile would be great.
As of yesterday he has told me that fixing is teeth is again lower on his priority list. Because of cost.

My friends, who have not met him, tell me the 'teeth' is purely cosmetic and can be fixed.

He had his hair cut the day after I made a comment about how good he looked with his hair off his face.
The new haircut looks great.

Yesterday we had lunch together, clinked glasses and had a long chat.
Not a date. Just 2 work colleagues having lunch.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 12
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/21/2015 8:54:45 PM

The one that bothers me the most is his teeth.

He desperately needs major dental work.
He has asked me about what is available for him when I went to the dentist.
His mouth is not pretty.
Looks to me like multiple rotten stumps and multiple missing teeth.


Personally, this would be more of a deal breaker for me than his DS son. I couldn't kiss a man with rotten and missing teeth. Good dental hygiene is important to me, not only from an attraction standpoint, but from a health standpoint, as well. Poor dental hygiene has been linked to heart disease:
http://www.wellnessresources.com/studies/the_link_between_oral_hygiene_and_heart_disease/
 import_from_uk
Joined: 5/12/2015
Msg: 13
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/22/2015 5:13:47 AM
So he's not sure what he wants - after just entering the dating scene after 15 years of focusing on other things, I don't think that's unreasonable and he's being honest. So the ex has cancer and "might" not be able to remain as a full time carer for ever. - None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Your bothered by his teeth - which is your right if that's an issue and yet you are beating yourself up because your friends hold a different view.

There's a whole list of little niggles and yet you are seeking validation for them.

It's okay to just not be that excited about this man. If you aren't feeling it for whatever reason, why do you feel the need for validation of that?

You're way over complicating this by creating what seems like a list of pros and cons and trying to determine which side of the list is longer. It's not about little details on paper, it's about how your FEEL.

I don't think I'm unique in seeking a partner I like, whose company I enjoy, who has comparable core values to myself, who I can have an intelligent conversation with and who I'm attracted to. And I'd like him to feel the same way. It's not about checking certain boxes, it's about how I feel in his company and how he feels in mine.

If you don't feel that this man is a fit with you, that's fine, move on. I'm sure you are quite comfortable living alone as am I. So when it comes to involving someone new in your life, you have to decide if doing so enhances your life or takes from it. That can't be determined by a list of pros and cons like a business agreement. It has to be based on how you feel. If this man just makes you think "meh", then for both your sakes, keep looking. It's meant to be comfortable not complicated. If someone truly fit with your life, then you'll cross bridges when you get to them rather than trying to spot them in advance before embarking on the journey.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 14
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Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/22/2015 9:01:37 PM

You're way over complicating this by creating what seems like a list of pros and cons and trying to determine which side of the list is longer. It's not about little details on paper, it's about how your FEEL.


Agreed. Life is easy. We complicated it with all of that (thinking).

Life is easy.

Life is easy.

Life is easy.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
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Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/23/2015 10:26:50 AM
Outside of the young man moving to live with mom you have not really given any information about the level of care this young man needs.

You seem to want to go into this with guarantees. With your lifestyle and the way you describe it, sounds like you would be better off finding someone else who doesn't have children because even when they are grown, people cannot always get up and go or go for lengthy periods of time. Children are not only an obligation, if you get through the teen years and particularly after grandchildren start rolling in, most parents actually want to spend time with their children and want to be around them.

He doesn't know what he wants, you don't know if you want him, sounds like perfect dating material and if you find you suck as a couple you can still be friends because he is a lovely human being :)

Not really so hard.
 Millionpaws
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 16
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/23/2015 5:14:46 PM
Hi all.
Level of care the son requires ... to the best of my knowledge.

He can walk, bathe, climb a ladder, is physically very strong, ride a bicycle for hundreds of kms - he and dad go for very long bike rides, use an iPad and dance.
He attended a special school - I think when he left school is when mum took over.
He cannot use money, (has no concept at all of money), cannot catch a bus nor get around on his own, cannot drive - although has ridden a motor scooter, cannot read and according to dad his verbal language has deteriorated significantly to the point where he cannot even say his name and address. Yet he can take a photo with his phone and send it. Telephone conversations are apparently impossible. They skype when separated.

Son has never had a job despite dad telling me that he thinks he could be a labourer.
Not earning full wages but potentially 1/2 normal wages.
Dad says he could certainly clean tables, wash dishes and take out rubbish as long as there was not too much pressure to do it quickly.

I did try to arrange an 'accidental' meeting of the family at a community event that we were both talking about attending.
I arrived, they did not. Pity, as I could have met the son and seen for myself.
FYI the event was the Million Paws Walk a fund raiser for the RSPCA. Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty of Animals.
Apparently the dad and son love dogs as do I.

My decision at this point is to do nothing.
Not ask him out. Certainly not suggest a 'date'.
Let things progress if they progress.





________________________________________________________________________________


Wish he would get his teeth fixed. But as previously stated he has decided against dentistry.

All this reminds me of my normal - before taking this current dating break -

1. Do I enjoy his company
2. Could I kiss him
3. Could I have sex with him.

This man gets 100% for #1
Zero for #2 I could not kiss a mouth with teeth like that irrespective of how nice the person is attached.
Not sure about #3

Sounds like the definition of a friend/ acquaintance.
Pity.

Thank you all for your input.
Sometimes getting opinions from strangers who are independent of the situation can be beneficial.

Thank you.
 BialaPolska
Joined: 5/20/2015
Msg: 17
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/23/2015 6:25:53 PM
Best post yet. Spot on.

I have been on and off here many years. Met some women. My special daughter lives with me. The women from POF that have met her have been exceptional. OP would be doing a dis service to all involved not to befriend this pair.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 18
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Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/24/2015 6:14:42 PM
^^^ for real

It's your life, but I would encourage you to keep an open mind about getting SOME more exposure to this situation. You may not want to date him, but how often do you come across a 'healthy' giver (not clingy/insecurity, but a true giver) as well as the opportunity to get a glimpse into this world. You may never have that opportunity again. I can almost guarantee you something about how you view life and people will change. It may be just a tiny tightening of a screw somewhere, but it will be something. You don't have to marry the man, or even kiss him, but if you have an opportunity to spend a couple hours or an afternoon with them doing something I would take it, IMO.

I'd watch them, watch the people around them, watch the reactions of the people around them, and take note. You will see the best (and sometimes the not so best) of human nature come out. It's worth it.
 Millionpaws
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 19
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/29/2015 12:14:33 AM
Our work project came to a close today.
We have exchanged contact details.

Ahh well.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 20
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/29/2015 12:52:05 AM
You exchanged contact details?
One would take that as a positive sign!
 shirleywonton01
Joined: 4/30/2015
Msg: 21
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/29/2015 2:23:11 PM
I have 2 friends with adult down syndrome kids and both have dedicated their lives to seeing the kids get the best care by not turning them over to state homes. I would not recommend anyone dating either. Being friends, yes, dating, no.
 Millionpaws
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 22
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/29/2015 3:43:37 PM
^^^^ That is exactly my concern.
Thank you.

I applaud the people who do this.
Doubt I could do it.
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 23
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/29/2015 8:45:57 PM


He is calling it "His Time".
When I ask him what does he want - he says he does not know.


Aside from the lousy teeth, this alone would put me off big time.

How can someone possibly manage a relationship when the time they have left, is THEIR time??

Seems to me he should use the time he has, to make time with you.

Who wants to be an accessory to someone?
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 24
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 5/29/2015 10:02:28 PM

3. He has said that probably the reason that I have not found love is that men find me intimidating and that he can understand why.
Says that I should not change and deserve a man who can handle my career and lifestyle. (How sweet is that?)


I think it is his sweet way of saying you are not for him.

As for his children…I adore children. However, I would never contemplate a relationship where a man’s adult children live with him. The fact that he does not consider his teeth a priority is astonishing. Rotting teeth have serious medical consequences besides being disgusting to look at. Seems to me that dating is not part of what he is looking forward to as “His time”.

.
 sealady111
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 25
Dating a single dad with a Downs Syndrome adult child.
Posted: 6/4/2015 12:34:17 AM
I have decided to make a new profile on here and get back to dating.

Have not heard anything from this lovely man, nor will I contact him for anything other than friendship.
We just do not have that spark for each other.

I am not for him and he is not for me.
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