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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How to ask for monogamy?      Home login  
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 browneyesseeking
Joined: 1/12/2013
Msg: 1
How to ask for monogamy?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have gone out 4 times with someone I met online about 3 weeks ago so very new connection. There is certainly a lot of chemistry and a great connection. I have asked him to get tested for Std's and he has agreed. I have already been tested and shared my results with him. Problem is we are leading to sex AND I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone UNLESS I am the only person they are having sex with, even with protection. We will not be sleeping together until this topic is adressed, but I am not sure how to address it.

Now I don't want to freak him out as I appreciate this is very new. I am not asking for a ring ;-). Nor a promise of a life long commitment. I like him and would like to go to the next step soon. Any suggestions on how to bring this up without him running for the hills?
 LLove2LaughToo
Joined: 3/5/2011
Msg: 2
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/29/2015 9:35:30 PM

I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone UNLESS I am the only person they are having sex with, even with protection.


In my opinion, (3) weeks is way too soon to be thinking about monogamy. Just tell him you don't feel comfortable having sex with someone UNLESS you are the only person they are having sex with, even with protection. Besides, there is no guarantee he will be faithful to you even if you are in a long term relationship.
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 3
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/29/2015 9:53:13 PM


In my opinion, (3) weeks is way too soon to be thinking about monogamy


Totally disagree.

You have every right to express what's important to you, when you see fit, and not on a timetable.

Especially before you share your body with someone.

I think dating exclusively happens first.

I wouldn't bring up monogamy until you've had the exclusive talk first.

I don't find the terms monogamous and exclusive to be synonymous.

Some will disagree with that sentiment.
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 4
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 2:03:57 AM
I agree with Clooney Op; you have every right to do what is best for your own safety and peace of mind.

Of course one can never be certain; that is where trust and respect for your partner comes in. You must be able to trust one another (believe) for without trust there is not a chance for a valid relationship.


.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 5
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How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 3:03:30 AM
hondogal

after three weeks I wouldn't trust anyone to be monogamous nor would I ask. Protection should always be used unless you are married and want children.

You. both may have a clear test result right now but you cant guarantee that he will always have that anyway. Condoms do not protect against all stds I am afraid.
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 6
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 3:42:56 AM
I disagree, Letetia. For me, love or monogamy does not come with a time table.
It is an individual matter; sometimes the desire for devotion to another can happen very quickly.
I know it has for me.


.
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 3:54:07 AM
You have the right to ask for monogamy as long as you are sexually active with that person.

I doubt trust is built that soon myself, but who knows?

Don't forget the mouth. One of the most filthy places there is as far as carrying disease. wet and warm.
Google stds of the mouth.Very interesting and disgusting.
I remember when kissing was just automatic , mono or a sore throat was about the extent of concern. Today you better know whats in there.Hookers know better than to kiss. shouldn't we be just as concerned as a hooker about disease these days?

Imagine living 50 plus years and getting" lucky" or being smart.
You finally find someone when you are older or wiser that you want to be with and then BAM..he/she gives you something that compromises your immune system, your oral health or life.
Insist on it.
If he doesnt like it, wah.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 4:00:26 AM
It seems simple enough to me. Say exactly what you said here:


I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone UNLESS I am the only person they are having sex with, even with protection.


If that DOES cause someone to "run for the hills," you wouldn't be compatible with them anyway.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 9
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 5:16:28 AM
good lord, if you can talk about getting tested for STDs, then why can't you talk about personal boundaries? I don't get how anyone can say 'let me see the paperwork on your crotch' but asking about the other places they might put it when you aren't looking somehow seems daunting.

presumably with 'a lot of chemistry' and 'a great connection', other things are going on besides getting to first base, a.k.a. communication. so asking for monogamy should feel more like a natural conversation to have.

and since that's important to you, why would you even WANT to keep the company of a man who would run for the hills when you bring it up? let him run if that's what he wants. y'all are not compatible by default, no matter how much you tingled over the course of those 4 dates.
 ItsNotAlwaysArt
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 10
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 5:18:46 AM
^ that, LOL, but that
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 8:13:32 AM
The guy might be more agreeable to your terms and concerns if you were to get a divorce first (separated means still married).
 Whistle_Stop
Joined: 4/9/2015
Msg: 12
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 8:35:50 AM
OP...question...How to ask for monogamy?
Aren't you pulling the cart before the horse?
Why would anyone agree to a STD tests but they haven't discussed being monogamous?
Seems rather futile to me....meh!
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 13
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 10:24:34 AM

How to ask for monogamy?


Point to that particular wood sample.

This:


It seems simple enough to me. Say exactly what you said here:



I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone UNLESS I am the only person they are having sex with, even with protection.


If that DOES cause someone to "run for the hills," you wouldn't be compatible with them anyway.


And this:


The guy might be more agreeable to your terms and concerns if you were to get a divorce first (separated means still married).
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 14
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 10:55:10 AM

I like him and would like to go to the next step soon.


The next step is spending some time getting to know him as a person, and as a man. The next step is NOT hop in bed then pick up the pieces when everything falls apart. Funny how you can ask him to get tested for STDs but you don’t know how to ask for monogamy. That is because you don’t know him; he is a stranger to you.

“Monogamy,” commitment, should be mutual...not something he pretends to agree to because that’s what it takes to get you into bed. If you can’t talk to him about your intimacy needs why do you think it’s cool to be sexually intimate with him? How can you so breezily get naked with a virtual stranger you met three weeks ago? Then you’ll be on here… “he hasn’t texted me since he faked his STD test and we had sex. WHY WHY WHY?????” IMO he’ll be “monogamous” just as long as it takes, because that’s all you require.

You don’t know how to talk to him but you think the “next step,” is to allow yourself to be physically and emotionally vulnerable to him. You need to adjust your relationship “steps.”
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 15
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 11:31:09 AM

You don’t know how to talk to him but you think the “next step,” is to allow yourself to be physically and emotionally vulnerable to him. You need to adjust your relationship “steps.”



...and work on communication skills

Don't blame him for assuming you just want to fuk when you asked him to be tested because you didn't TELL him that you prefer to be monogamous when having sex.
Now you're left with the awkwardness of bringing up the question after asking him to get tested. You did this to yourself. When it comes to talk about sex, don't go half way. Let him know everything so he can make that decision if he wants to continue or not with you, based on what HE wants from you. If it's different then you two either work on it or it's just not meant to be.
If you're worried that he may assume you want to get married and the whole enchilda when you mention monogamy, then TELL him that. Make it clear. You tell him at the same time you talk about std testing.
He's not a mind reader. No one is unless you're dating the Amazing Kreskin.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 16
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 12:00:06 PM

Google stds of the mouth.Very interesting and disgusting.
I remember when kissing was just automatic , mono or a sore throat was about the extent of concern.


You need to add the tag "kissing" to your oral std search. Mono and Oral herpes are pretty much it, not that much different from the past. Contrary to popular belief, transmission of gonorrhea or chlamydia by simple kissing has never been documented.

Most stds of the mouth happen from oral-genital sex.

Hookers don't kiss because for some reason they consider it more intimate. Maybe because most hookers insist on a condom, which insulates them, while kissing is more intimate in that context.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 17
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 12:06:57 PM

There is certainly a lot of chemistry and a great connection. I have asked him to get tested for Std's and he has agreed. I have already been tested and shared my results with him.


It's hard to understand how you can have the STD conversation yet be nervous about discussing monogamy.

When he gets his results and shares them with you, that is an opportune time to say something like, I am not having sex with anyone else, and when we do have sex I expect you won't be sleeping around with other women. Sleeping around defeats the purpose of getting an STD test.

From reading the forums, it's seems most people over 45 aren't having a lot of random sexual hookups in any case.

BTW, I have never had someone ask me about STDs, nor have they explicitly asked me to be monogamous. I suppose the monogamous aspect was implied because we would see each other all the time. And I don't appear to be the sort that multi-dates. IMO it's foolish to assume anything that's important to you, I would be more explicit about talking about this.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 18
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How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 1:12:14 PM
If you have to ask, you know the answer. If you don't know the answer, make sure you protect yourself.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 19
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 1:57:59 PM
You don't 'ask' for monogamy.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 2:10:16 PM

Problem is we are leading to sex...


If you consider it a problem, doesn't sound you're all that interested in the first place. Are you using sex as bait? It sounds like you're too focused on looking for deal breakers. You get him to get tested for STD's, and I'm assuming if he said No to that, that you would've dropped him. Now you want him to confirm that sex will be monogamous. Will you dropped him if he hedges on the answer? What else will you require him to do or say in order to maintain a relationship with you? What has he asked you to do to be in good standings with him?

I'm questioning the getting him to get tested for STD's and comparing notes to your testing. Theoretically, it's a good idea for every couple to do, but did you get tested before you met this new guy, or just as you were meeting him? If so, does that mean you had other sex partners after you separated from your husband to now, and possibly caught something-and that's why you're so worried about it now? If you had an STD at some point, would you tell him about it? How long have you been separated? He might as well get tested for rabies while he's at it.
 springorfall
Joined: 5/17/2015
Msg: 21
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How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 5/30/2015 4:03:10 PM
say, "I don't feel comfortable having sex with someone unless we have agreed to be monogamous while we're together. How do you feel about that?"
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 22
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How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 6/1/2015 2:00:29 PM

Contrary to popular belief, transmission of gonorrhea or chlamydia by simple kissing has never been documented.

I didn't say either of those were.

Scabies, Herpes Simplex Virus-2, Hepatitis B ,Syphilis, periodontal disease.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 23
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 6/1/2015 2:11:33 PM
^^^^^^^ I’m never kissing again.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 6/1/2015 2:25:48 PM
Does that mean condoms should be placed on tongues as well to prevent orally transmitted diseases when kissing? People might as well wear surgical gloves also when having sex, in case of bad germs on their hands.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 25
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How to ask for monogamy?
Posted: 6/2/2015 4:10:12 AM

Does that mean condoms should be placed on tongues as well to prevent orally transmitted diseases when kissing?

It means don't swat spit/deep kiss w slobber w people you don know very well.
Esp mint poppers , they are hiding something and its usually poor dental hygiene, infections or worse.
One mint a night is enough for anyone .

Would you kiss someone that had a sore on the mouth or rotten teeth and bleeding gums/blisters in the mouth?
Doubt it, just because you cant SEE it that day doesnt mean the problem is not there.


How to ask for monogamy?


Like you ask for anything you really want..

Kiss Mr/Ms whoever and then have to spend $800 for gum treatment/antibiotics afterwards then see how that sits with you.
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