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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?      Home login  
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 lt-1
Joined: 9/10/2013
Msg: 1
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
So, I recently had a fantastic first date the other evening, with someone I met on another site. It was an interesting situation because she is a bit older than me, and also native to panama. Absolutely beautiful woman. It was a pretty simple date, I picked here up and we went for a drink and some food. Despite actually having very little in common, we had a very simple but pleasant evening of talking and laughing, and telling each other stories about our lives and what not. When we were finished, I took her back to drop her off at her vehicle where she met me, and leaned in for a quick good night kiss. What started as a good night kiss ended up as a 2 hour plus make-out session and her on top of me with her shirt off. It was awesome, and probably the last thing I expected from her since on the surface she is very prim and proper.

Now, we do have tentative plans to meet again. She said she was busy the weekend because she had a graduation party to go to, and Sunday I have duty (military), so we decided most likely monday. Since that first date, I kind of have a whole lot of irrational emotions running through my head now. Normally when I'm dating someone, when it gets to the heavy physical stage, I start asking about exclusivity. But in this situation, it has only been one date. I know it is completely irrational, and she has every right to keep using online dating, but I keep having this jealous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see her log on. She told me I'm only the second guy she has met since she's even met from online, but I keep having the thought of her seeing other men along with me. I had a bad experience once before, where I was dating someone from online, and slept with her around the 1 month mark. When I brought up exclusivity with her, she said I wasn't the only guy she was seeing, and that since I'd eventually be leaving with the military she'd rather put her eggs in his basket rather than mine, which hit me pretty hard.

So, I'm trying to get a grip on myself and not let my mixed emotions screw things up. Unfortunately unlike most guys, I seem to get attached rather quickly when things start to get heavy on the physical side. Any advice on how to calm myself down and let things play out naturally? The last thing I want to do is scare her off.
 antirepublican
Joined: 12/31/2014
Msg: 2
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/13/2015 1:29:20 PM
Sorry to say OP but she is already scared off. Cheer up though. Military deployment will fix this for you. Distance is what you need and distance is what you will get.
 xlr8ingme
Joined: 3/16/2015
Msg: 3
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/13/2015 1:51:47 PM
Army National Guard? Military deployments/PCS'ing are tough on any relationship, and pushing 30 makes it tougher. If you have been in the military for a long period of time, you're familiar with this scenario. My suggestion is to enjoy any connections for what they are, and take one day at a time. Tomorrow isn't here yet to make any long term plans; you just met.
 lt-1
Joined: 9/10/2013
Msg: 4
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/13/2015 2:01:52 PM
I'm in the Navy, and I just returned from a deployment roughly a month ago, so it's going to be awhile before I deploy again. Also, this woman in particular was married to a Marine before, so I'd imagine she'd be used to it. From the stories she told me, the guy sounds like he was some kind of special ops unit. If she can handle that, I'm sure she can handle a normal Navy deployment. She told me the reason they divorced was because he was very controlling, not anything to do with the military btw. Also, her sister nearby is also married to an Airman, so I doubt my military status would be an issue.

Also, I think you are confusing things with another woman I had an experience with. The one I slept with that was with a different guy was someone else, not this one. I feel like the two stories might be getting mixed up.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 5
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/13/2015 3:24:08 PM
Since that first date, I kind of have a whole lot of irrational emotions running through my head now.


Don't
It's been only the first date. Don't even given in to irrational emotions on the second, third or perhaps the fourth date.
The woman is still a stranger that you are getting to know DESPITE the hot and heaviness.
She is still a stranger.
Keep the emotions in check until you get to know her, however long that takes. It's different with each person.

You're patient.... are you? :)
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 6
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/13/2015 7:18:12 PM
^^^

Read the wise and accurate post by CharminC above over and over and over again if any questions arise in your head.
 xlr8ingme
Joined: 3/16/2015
Msg: 7
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/13/2015 8:53:21 PM
A month out of deployment, and being at home in PA. will give you the time you need to reflect upon your dating habits. Read your own posting history. Don't let loneliness cloud your judgment before returning to active duty.
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 11:30:44 AM

I keep having this jealous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see her log on.

then stop checking up on her.

you'd be wise to stop assuming you and this woman have some sort of connection to base your jealousy on. many a hot and heavy first meet has led nowhere. she's already made one excuse not to see you, with no concrete alternative proposal. that's often a brushoff.

since you're aware early making out generates emotions you'd rather not feel, why don't you stop doing that?
 lt-1
Joined: 9/10/2013
Msg: 9
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 12:02:55 PM
It isn't like it is really something I can control, you know? The making out kind of just happened. All it was supposed to be was a good night kiss, then it kind of took off from there. It wasn't like it was planned. We came pretty close to going all the way too, but I didn't want to try and push it too far out of respect. But I did really enjoy it, just kind of messed with my head because I'm not used to going that far on a first date. Kissing sure, but a step away from sex? That's new for me. When I'm dating someone, if it starts getting heavy physical I normally start asking about being exclusive before we jump in bed. If I wanted to, I could date multiple women at the same time. I've just never felt comfortable with it. It feels dishonest to me, and my last intention is to string someone along and hurt their feelings if I don't have to. I know most guys don't have a problem jumping from girl to girl, but if I try to fool around with more than one person I get confused and I feel incredibly guilty.

She's been weird lately anyway. I've been texting her everyday, not to the excess, but just to ask her how her day was, etc. Simple small talk and flirting to let her know I'm interested. She doesn't seem to want to give a straight answer on anything, so I am thinking about walking away anyway. She agreed to meet monday, then when I tried to confirm for today, she said she had a job interview, but said tuesday should be good. So I asked her for more concrete plans this time around just so I don't have to do everything last minute, and she has been non-responsive. So I think I'm going to throw this fish back in because she's playing games. I realize I am probably coming of as dramatic and a bit ahead of myself here, but I've never given her any indication of my personal thoughts or wild emotions.
 J3LV3HL_WV3JP
Joined: 4/5/2015
Msg: 10
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 1:13:47 PM
She's already told you that you're not her first choice. Tough nut to swallow, but swallow it you must. Don't close the window to other options with other women that arise, because it looks like that chick isn't gonna wait around for you.
 lt-1
Joined: 9/10/2013
Msg: 11
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 1:29:55 PM
^^ that was actually a different girl I was referencing too, as an example of a situation I don't want be in, ie sleeping with a girl then finding out she's running around with other guys. Very gross to me ( and dangerous) and not something I want to deal with again.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 12
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 3:21:17 PM
You really like to torture yourself, dont you?

Scare her off? You never HAD her.

Even if you saw her t*ts.

This is classic puppy dog/doormat behavior. Leave her alone.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 13
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 3:58:23 PM
Mr. It-1.....

I'm not going to be tough on you cause I get it.

So you got carried away physically and emotionally....it happens.

Life is about living....you'll makes mistakes and then you'll learn to do things differently.

Best of luck with the next one....and thank you for your service. :)
 lt-1
Joined: 9/10/2013
Msg: 14
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 4:20:30 PM
kj521... thank you, you are incredibly sweet.

Any advice on getting ahold of these rampant emotions? I feel like I have to emotional range of a woman and it drives me crazy. Any time I have some sort of sexual activity with someone I really like, I get attached and become an emotional wreck. In some situations this has worked in my favor because the physical side becomes super intense and passionate, and the girl sees that and responds in kind, but other times it really clouds my judgment. How do you ladies deal with it? As embarassing it is to say it, I think I have that emotional range in common with the other sex. If I could just calm down, I think I'd do much better. You'd be surprised how charming i can be when I'm not interesting in someone....
 Whatsamatterbaby
Joined: 5/6/2015
Msg: 15
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 4:46:01 PM
I'm not understanding the problem. You develop feelings for women you get it on with? That sounds like a positive quality, to me. But if you continue with online dating, it will probably take care of itself.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 16
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 4:55:33 PM
Thank you, Mr. It-1.....

But Shhh! Keep that to yourself I'm trying to be an intimidating 21st century western woman! :D


I really don't think I have any useful advice to give as I have a tendency to want to let my emotions and feelings lead me through life.

Luckily, I do have a more pragmatic and rational side which has kept me from making too many mistakes.



So I guess I would say.....get plenty of rest....drink lots of water....and watch emotionally draining movies.

Oh....and when you know you are being irrational?

Don't be afraid to have an honest conversation with yourself....out loud. Not in public, though. :D
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 17
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 6:50:56 PM

Any advice on getting ahold of these rampant emotions? I feel like I have to emotional range of a woman and it drives me crazy. Any time I have some sort of sexual activity with someone I really like, I get attached and become an emotional wreck. In some situations this has worked in my favor because the physical side becomes super intense and passionate, and the girl sees that and responds in kind, but other times it really clouds my judgment. How do you ladies deal with it? As embarassing it is to say it, I think I have that emotional range in common with the other sex. If I could just calm down, I think I'd do much better. You'd be surprised how charming i can be when I'm not interesting in someone....



One of the biggest ways to figure the how to deal with anything is to zero in and figure out the why first.
You see, once you know why you get so worked up, this will stick to the back of your head.
Then you can figure out ways of how to deal with it and calm down no matter who you are with or when.
Only YOU know yourself the best therefore only you can come up with the answers.
Once you've got this.... it'll never leave your mind. It's there forever in the back. It'll pop up when you need it.
Train yourself to remember.. after all, you are in military. ;)
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 18
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 7:12:46 PM
She has a right to see others and often women act that way with men, i.e. getting physical so soon when they do not have any intentions of getting serious with the guy because he is going away and she just wants some fun. You say you have little in common and you have had one date only......be prepared to be the booty call...... It sounds as though you dont date much and you are just letting your needs and feelings run away with you. Think with your bigger head and face facts....
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 19
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 10:08:33 PM

Any advice on getting ahold of these rampant emotions?

as i said earlier, stop doing the thing that triggers them, which is letting physical intimacy outpace emotional intimacy. why not? if a woman doesn't like your style, just find another. by your own estimation, you have no lack of opportunities.

If I wanted to, I could date multiple women at the same time.
 shirleywonton01
Joined: 4/30/2015
Msg: 20
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/14/2015 10:54:35 PM
That's weird, first she's hot and heavy and then disinterested in follow up texts.

There's nothing wrong with you and everything right with you. Healthy people feel deeply when sex gets involved, and 1st date sex or close to it, is going way too fast because the emotions need more time than that to catch up.

Next time date a girl who knows how to slow it down a bit you like know. You have class and from now on only continue to date girls with class too. Easy.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 21
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/15/2015 12:31:12 AM
I agree with Shirley wonton

That woman you met once before she got half naked and jumped on you in the car, is hardly a lady and not worth all your jealousy and intense feelings. She probably had something to drink and was feeling frisky.

Stop texting her, she is not really interested in you and it is only one date after all. What she did with you she would likely do with others.

What you are feeling is an obsession with a woman you barely know. I would be getting some counselling to see why that is. I agree next time slow down and take it easy with the intimacy if you feel that you get too attached too early. Asking anyone for exclusivity within 6 months is needy, controlling and offputting. IMO

Women often say that they rarely date from online.......blah blah..... and it is only their second time etc..... can be bullshit.... same with the amount of lovers they have had, they halve the actual number where men double it. lol!!!
 lt-1
Joined: 9/10/2013
Msg: 22
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/15/2015 9:08:45 AM
6 months? You don't think that's a bit excessive? I don't think I've met anyone IRL that's waited that long. Heck, I have a cousin that proposed and was married within that time period. Most people I've known through college and whatnot usually are exclusive with 4-6 dates. Online dating must be a different culture, or perhaps I'm just a little too old fashioned for these online shenanigans.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 23
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hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/15/2015 9:15:23 AM
You're not old-fashioned. You had a half-naked make-out session on a first date.

If you get triggered by this kind of behavior and start acting and feeling out of control, stop doing it. It didn't just happen (these things don't just happen when we're older than 14), and she wasn't the only person involved.

Take responsibility for your actions and do what you're comfortable with.

As for this woman, it's unlikely that she's interested in you for anything long-term, based on all her actions.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 24
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/15/2015 9:16:56 AM
Lt-1...simply continue with the honest, open, and free dialogue to ascertain what might exist between you two.
Hopefully you two have a good connection and can speak clearly to where you wish to go. Good luck!
Thank you for your service.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 25
hot and heavy first date...how do I proceed?
Posted: 6/15/2015 2:21:19 PM
Keep your sense of jealousy in check. If you see that she is online, she also can see that YOU are online as well. Rather than rush, go out again and let it flow. I would say once you have sex, real sex here, not just petting. You may want to introduce the idea of hiding both of your profiles and then maybe do the thing exclusively. There's nothing wrong at that moment to do that. In fact most women are the ones that tend to want it at that point.
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