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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?      Home login  
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 paperbackwriter4
Joined: 1/31/2015
Msg: 1
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed? Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Apart for kindness someone who's a good communicator is what im looking for. I ask questions because I'm interested In getting to know the guy I'm dating, but ive found they just answer my questions and wait for me to think of the next set.
After noticing this seems to be the norm, I'm starting to think I'm being too picky and its holding me back from meeting a nice man. I guess it turns me off because I dont like being the one who leads, I think they're not really that interested and I think they're more self obsorbed and wouldn't be a supporting partner. Please tell if Im wrong, I'd actually like to hear I am.
I heard women tend to be the one asking questions because it goes back to biology where they're trying to find the best match, and men talk about themselves because they're trying to impress?
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 2
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 6:50:53 AM
men of at least average intelligence who are actually interested in you as more than an object for their casual entertainment are going to be interested in learning about who you are as a person. that would involve having a normal conversation in which both people are actively engaged (you know what that is), not something where you're carrying most of the conversation and they just sit back and wait to be serviced. which may be what they're used to based on the porn bots they count as their friends.

I don't know why you're starting to think you're too picky when the implicit solution to that would be to settle for the least repellant guy among a herd of listless men who turn you off. why in the eff would you do that.....

as to the question of whether they're 'self absorbed' or merely just sort of passive and inarticulate, do you really think it matters?
 Szaszaspasz
Joined: 11/13/2012
Msg: 3
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Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 6:58:32 AM
If your instincts and gut feelings say he isn't a good match, listen to them.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 4
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Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 7:33:36 AM
If he's not that into the conversation, he's not that into you.

When a man is really interested, you will know it by his behavior.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 5
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 7:40:19 AM
Op, the 3 ladies above me, have offered solid advice. I agree with them 100%
Never settle, you will know the right man, when you meet him.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 6
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 7:40:24 AM
The problem with a lot of first meets is they become more like job interviews and too business like, when a person is trying to guarantee that who they're meeting for the first time will be a perfect match for life. That's why so many people detest coffee shop first meets, where two people are sitting at a small table, almost nose to nose, firing off question after question after question, over-analyzing every word the other person said, and keeping a mental score card based on answers given. I would tend to clam up as well, under those tense conditions. When the person you're interviewing doesn't ask much about you after your 100 questions about him, it's clear he's probably annoyed with the whole process and lost interest.

A better option would be to have a first meet where you are involved in some activity first-like a walk in a park, mini-putt, going to the zoo, etc. to break the ice and engage in small talk first before getting down to the business of finding perfect mating material. You will learn a lot more about a person when chatting while doing some activity rather than setting up an appointment for an interview session, where the focus is on only giving proper, politically correct answers.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 7
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 7:58:03 AM
how are they answering the questions? if they're self absorbed, they likely answer questions about themselves by not shutting up and navel-gazing. and they'll likely answer questions not about themselves, by making it about themselves.

if their body language suggest an interest, but they won't take a lead, there could be a variety of reasons. you are correct in general, guys will talk about themselves b/c generally, they deal in facts rather than feelings. for example, they'll tell you what happened in their day, with the idea you'll guess how they felt as a result of what happened.

you may be meeting fellows who aren't interested, or who are hiding the interest thinking it will make them more attractive (by not gushing), or maybe they got some advice about a date to "not geek out" so much.
 Olivoil
Joined: 5/3/2015
Msg: 8
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 8:02:04 AM
OP, I spent decades married to a man like that. He was very decent, high principled, etc. but did not really care to know about what others were thinking, or what they were about. It was all about him. Some people are just wired that way.
It comes as no surprise that one of our children has a hard time making conversation, which, when it comes down to it, is about asking questions and responding to them mutually.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 9
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Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 11:01:04 AM
“laddertheory” explains all of this. Many people dislike laddertheory, and hate to hear references to it. But there is a lot of truth contained therein.

When I am pursuing a woman who is several rungs above me on the ladder, there is never the slightest doubt that I am interested. I try not to be too pushy, and not be “in her back pocket”, but she has no doubt that I think she’s very attractive, that I want to meet her, that I am ready, willing and able to jump through hoops to get together with her.

A woman who is several rungs below me, well, I’ll meet with her if she makes it easy for me, if she isn’t too demanding.

These men who aren’t showing enough interest – are they the hottest men here on the site? The ones who can get any woman, even the 9’s and 10’s?

The very best relationships ensue when both parties believe that the other is well above them on “the ladder”. They both feel lucky to be there with him/her. I have been lucky enough to have such a relationship. I really really hope to be there again one day.
 paperbackwriter4
Joined: 1/31/2015
Msg: 10
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 11:55:03 AM
I date the more reserved/shy men. It's not that I specifically go for those types, it's just they tend to have more in common with me. I have stopped talking with someone before and told him the reason was because he didn't take an interest/ask questions. He wasn't happy about it and told me he'd planed to. So I thought, maybe it's just that it doesn't occur to them, rather than they're not interested or willing to change once it's pointed out? I don't know... it just bothers me to have to point it out. And the few men who have tried to ask questions after I did, tend to forget soon after :-P
It's just something I continuously come across. I'm interested in someone at the moment, who seems a good match for me, so I'm debating in my mind because of this issue.
Thanks for all your replies.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 11
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 12:06:01 PM
He "planned" to ask you some questions about yourself? Well isn't that nice.

I live in LA, the hub of narcissists and the self absorbed. In many cases, you will serve as an audience for people, not an equal. Either that or a stepping stone if they find you happen with actually work at a movie studio. THEN they're suddenly all over you. "OH YOU WORK FOR WARNER BROTHERS? OH YOU KNOW I HAVE THIS SCRIPT..."

I've suffered thru endless conversations with men that are all about them them them them them them them them and then some more of them.

Once I've found a person is like this I bow out. Not interested. Either meet me on equal ground,because you actually care about me and genuinely want to learn about me/get my opinion on things/integrate me into your life ins a very real way or it's time to depart.

I'm not here to get you a job, hear about your script, hook you up or serve as an endless audience member. I just dont have time to waste anymore on this.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 12
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 12:23:18 PM

I date the more reserved/shy men. I'm interested in someone at the moment, who seems a good match for me, so I'm debating in my mind because of this issue.

well if you like a man who needs really basic instruction... not my cuppa tea, but you could always try phrasing it more like a question rather than exit announcement. 'one time I stopped talking to this guy because he didn't take an interest in me or ask any questions. so I was wondering if you were feeling the same way, because it's beginning to feel like i'm carrying most of the conversation here.' H I N T (social skills for dummies)


He wasn't happy about it and told me he'd planed to.

he planned to ask questions? what an a-hole thing to say. since when does participating in a conversation like an adult require 'planning'? it's like every other clueless guy who was surprised when a woman walked away. commence sniveling. 'oh I was thinking about it. oh you didn't give me a chance. oh I was about to say something. oh I didn't know.'

WEAK.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 13
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 12:28:17 PM
I'll tell you what really annoys the f*ck out of me, is when you are with someone, and you want to ask them questions, but get nothing but one word responses when you do.

"How was your day??"

"Fine"

"Really? Just fine??"

"Yes"

"Nothing particularly good or bad happened?"

"Nope"


"Well, that certainly beats a really bad day, I suppose?"

"Yep"
 Eternitygracesme
Joined: 5/18/2015
Msg: 14
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 12:52:59 PM
It's hard to get a word in edge-wise when all they do is yammer on about themselves and the questions I want to ask aren't the answers found in their endless meandering about this and that. There are so many words, bereft of content.

Interesting exchanges of conversation, questions, answers, curiosity, in a flowing, reciprocating fashion are what I appreciate.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/18/2015
Msg: 15
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 1:20:10 PM

I'll tell you what really annoys the f*ck out of me, is when you are with someone, and you want to ask them questions, but get nothing but one word responses when you do.


Sometimes I wish that was a problem I had.
I've learned to STFU when necessary, but given the opportunity, I'll talk A LOT.
About everything or about nothing.

It took years for me to realize that when someone asks "how are you?", they
usually expect you to say "fine" or whatever. Me...I'd start with getting stuck in so much traffic on the
way to work I ate my lunch, and crazy drivers...and the line at starbucks or the funny joke someone told
me...and on and on. I used to be a chain talker...one thing lead to another sort of thing.

I use coping skills and eye contact so I don't do that anymore.
Eye contact has it's advantages though. I'm usually paying attention to what people are saying...unless of
course they are boring as hell...then I tend to drift off.

I drift a lot with the customers at the bookie.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 16
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Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 1:42:19 PM

Apart for kindness someone who's a good communicator is what im looking for. I ask questions because I'm interested In getting to know the guy I'm dating, but ive found they just answer my questions and wait for me to think of the next set.
After noticing this seems to be the norm, I'm starting to think I'm being too picky and its holding me back from meeting a nice man. I guess it turns me off because I dont like being the one who leads, I think they're not really that interested and I think they're more self obsorbed and wouldn't be a supporting partner. Please tell if Im wrong, I'd actually like to hear I am.
I heard women tend to be the one asking questions because it goes back to biology where they're trying to find the best match, and men talk about themselves because they're trying to impress?


I don't really understand the part about biology. Throughout history, women have looked for men that display traits that subcommunicate alpha male status or high value. If a man isn't responding much or asking you questions, he's probably busy, not interesting, or talking to other women, or all three. Your time is better spend talking to other men. Reward those who invest in you. They're not self absorbed. Lots of men ask women questions non stop and the women give one word answers. Men spend lots of time and money learning about how to talk to women. Trust me, if they're into you, they will make some sort of effort.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 17
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 2:18:20 PM
I offered up a thread some time back about being annoyed trying to communicate with someone in 'Reply Only' mode. It goes by many descriptions. It does get old quickly when you desire mutual conversation.

I think people who talk about themselves way too much have no concept of what this situation is like because they don't allow it to happen. Any awkward gap in a conversation is instantly filled with yammering. Some people have that kind of personality.

Shy and reserved people won't 'change' to make a conversation happen - that's their personality - it's more about learning to communicate on THEIR level - kind of like learning those '5 Love Languages' to see what works best. It doesn't always mean they are selfish or egotistical or self-absorbed - it can just mean they are SHY. People do open up eventually if they want to. Obviously, it's not a favored or attractive trait - and like the previous poster said, if it's too much work, you'll know.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 18
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 3:12:55 PM

Clearly the “question method” hasn’t worked very well for you, has it? Are you going to change your approach?

Good grief! My first conversation, when meeting face to face with my BF, was very much like the conversation, we enjoyed over dinner nearly 2 weeks ago with my long time GF and her husband.
We ask questions, tell stories, laugh at silly stuff! Whoo hoo!

With the 4 of us, FOUR hours went by before there was a 30 sec pause
Then I suggested we walk over the decking area to view the new lights downtown over the river.
LOL Talked for another hour.
And yes, the conversation involved all 4 of us. Obviously she and I know each other well, and we could have broke off into just "girl talk", but we didn't feel the need to. This is the second time , the 4 of us, have gone out to dinner together.

A conversation does not have to seem like an interview or an interrogation.I know when someone has no interest in me, man or woman if they fail to ask questions or at the very least fail to launch!
It tells me they don't give a rat's behind about me!
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 19
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 3:30:21 PM


Clearly the “question method” hasn’t worked very well for you, has it? Are you going to change your approach?
In my opinion, you don’t get to know someone through a series of Q and A sessions. You get to know someone over time by spending time with that person, by effectively communicating, by going through good and bad situations and circumstances, by sharing intimacy.
But I’m not sure you will change your mindset.
Good luck in your romantic search.


I get all of that and totally agree it happens "once I meet someone". How do you get to the point of getting to the first meet without asking some questions? I try to make my messages like conversation but initial conversations can be full of questions without being like an interview.

For the OP it seems lately I have run into the same thing, woman with a masters degree who seemed to refuse to write more than 5 words per message. Wrote 10 lines about a good weekend I had, got "Had a great weekend" in return. WTH!!! LOL
Even funnier then go blocked for I think not being on-line constantly and replying to her 5 word messages. I could only laugh.
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 20
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 3:36:17 PM
Messaging online?

If I get responses and no questions, I stop asking questions.

Regarding interest on a first date/meet? I have a 5 question guideline.

If I can't recall 5 questions they've asked me? I don't follow up with a 2nd date.

No, I'm not keeping track literally, but if the date is coming to an end and I can't recall being asked much, then I've lost interest myself.

These are not bad people per se, but I think, in general, it just indicates a lack of chemistry between the two of you.

How was your day?

Me - "If I told you, would you care?"
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 21
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 3:50:03 PM
Paperbackwriter4- I feel your pain. I'm also a talker, so good conversation is a must for me.
I'm willing to start a conversation off, even try a few times to engage someone, but there comes a time when you have to realize you are either............
A) Talking to someone who isn't a talker and conversations with them will ALWAYS be like pulling teeth, or
B) For whatever reason, the other person just isn't that interested.
A means you aren't compatible, B, they just aren't into you. Either way, it's best just to move on.
I KNOW how aggravating it is, trust me.
But being single isn't the end of the world some people seem to think it is.
Single and happy is ALWAYS the best choice over just being with someone to keep from being alone, which is the definition of settling and a good way to find your self very unhappy.
Keep trying to find someone who likes conversation as much as you do, in the meantime, keep up an upbeat attitude as a single and happy woman. :)
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 22
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 3:55:04 PM
I heard women tend to be the one asking questions because it goes back to biology where they're trying to find the best match, and men talk about themselves because they're trying to impress?
-------------------------
You must have heard that from women who are looking for a reason to shift the responsibility for a conversation. Personally, I found lots of questions that women asked to be intrusive and it was like being interrogated. Based on my personal,experience in discovering that there are no benign questions, only that different women consider different questions benign, I managed to find ways to converse without having to ask question after question. Try that instead of asking questions. I can't speak for all men, but a lot of times, I found the questions women asked (like, what are your hobbies) were things that I couldn't imagine anyone but me caring about, so I wouldn't bother asking someone else questions like that. If you ask questions and a guy answers them, he's talking about himself because you asked, maybe even wondering why you would ask. Maybe he'd rather talk about something else than play 20 questions.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/27/2014
Msg: 23
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 4:21:21 PM
They're boring.
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 24
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Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 4:24:56 PM
Con Men and players are usually skilled at the art of conversation,some people may feel like they are prying or being nosey by asking alot of questions.....perhaps its just another snap judgement people make....the kind they don't want people to make about them.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 25
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Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/18/2015 6:00:32 PM
My experience has been almost the opposite. Men I meet do most of the talking, and I let them talk, as they often reveal a lot about themselves. I'll ask a few questions.
You should probably change your approach, think of open ended questions rather than yes/no or this/that questions. Flirt, joke, talk about yourself.
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