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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?      Home login  
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 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 2
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)

He loves me obviously and says so, but he is not in love.



Love is a verb. Actions are all that really count.
To me that means he cares about you but isn't attracted
to you anymore.

You've been with him for 9 years and he stopped
Wanting you 8 years ago!?

Do you two have sex still?

I've been in his shoes and your shoes at different
points in my life and both situations had to be ended
for self preservations sake.

Not "In love" is what people say when they don't
Feel lust or passion within the relationship.

You shouldn't cheat,you should inform him that this
isn't a healthy way to live and that you are settling for
unrequited love.

You're right!

You can't make him feel in love with you
But you can change your reaction to his indifference
by leaving him to find someone who feels about you
what you feel about them.

Especially after knowing for 8 years.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 3
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 2:20:25 AM
lucky999999...while I don't have specific insights...just wished to share you are in a tough spot. :-(
Given the amount of time that has transpired it would take quite a special effort from both of you to jumpstart things.
My fingers are crossed that you find a way to successfully navigate this difficult situation. Good luck.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 4
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 2:51:56 AM
yowza. besides being married, there are obviously many, many other arduous ways to be miserable in a relationship. hey it's a good thing you all decided not to get married. but I agree that cheating on him seems like another equally arduous way to discover the real meaning of your 'situation' while doing your very best to avoid intellectual honesty in its various and troublesome forms.

jesus, my fukking eyes after reading that OP. it's like they WANT to bleed, but can't.


"All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it."
--- Deconstructing Harry
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 5
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History
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 2:52:22 AM
The relationship might be very good for your partner, you don't really say but it sounds like he's probably quite happy with where you are.

You however are not and the only reason you are still together is inertia.

If he fell out of love so long ago and it is now almost unbearable for you to stay then you really need to tell him how you feel and what you are thinking about it, although he couldn't force himself to fall in love anymore than you could force him to, so what exactly what that would do is hard to say. I know you'd love him to step up to the plate but if he has been happy enough as a spectator for eight years then it might be time to call it a day.
 Eternitygracesme
Joined: 5/18/2015
Msg: 6
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 3:40:00 AM
If you don't want to do what's comfortable, I suggest you speak to him about it honestly and maybe call it a day if nothing from it transpires. Unfortunately, you'll grow to resent him the longer you, and this is not something you should do with your...friend. You can still remain friends -- even continue to room with him, if he consents -- but make it clear you have specific desire to have a loving relationship in which includes intimacy, which is what you're craving. You're also in your early thirties and if you want a family of your own, the thing not to do is waste time in an arrangement like this that doesn't provide this.
 import_from_uk
Joined: 5/12/2015
Msg: 7
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 3:43:52 AM
There are lots of couples who fall out of love, and yet who decide to stay together. I can understand that, I really can. There's a lot to be said for companionship, company, and having someone who cares about you and your life and that's not easy to walk away from, should you decide to.

But, within your post, this is the part which says something very, very, key:-


He loves me obviously and says so, but he is not in love. It bothers me, because I am in love. I feel I'm wasting my emotions on him who's fallen out of love like 8 years ago.


When a relationship isn't meeting the needs of both, I think that's the time to decide to part ways. It's not like this is a little lull. I think in an established relationship, there are times when feelings can swing on the scale or where one loves harder while the other struggles a bit, but over time, that role is interchangeable. One person steps up and takes the lead when the other is struggling but it's not one person who is always the strongest. For 8 years now, it's been one sided and although it's incredibly commendable that he's valued you enough not to call it quits, it's clear that this isn't where he wants to be. And you can see that. It's hurting you both.

You feel like you've been wasting emotions and he likely feels a little trapped and obligated but if you feel 8 years is a waste, how much longer are you willing to waste? Do you really want to wait 18 years, or 28 years or 38 years and then decide you can't do it any more?

I stayed for longer than I should have in a marriage neither of us wanted. I can't speak for my ex but for me, it was partly a sense of obligation, it was partly fear of the unknown of being alone in a country I wasn't raised in, away from friends and family, it was partly concern that if I walked away and failed to establish a new life here, that I'd have to return to my own country, and leave my then minor children here because I didn't believe I had the strength to win a custody battle which I presumed would happen. So I get that sometimes the comfort of an established life seems better than taking a huge chance and knowing every single element of your life will change and having no idea what that new life will look like. I think most of us will understand that on one level or another.

But, you deserve a chance to be truly happy and since you say you love him, so do he.

There's a chance you might never find the relationship you'd hope for, I get that too. Some people don't find their one great love. However, I can guarantee you that you have 100% chance to fail in finding it, if you aren't available when they show up.

Do you want a mediocre life for you and the person you are currently with or do you want the chance at something wonderful?

It will take some time, I'm not going to lie. It will take some sorrow, some regrets, a whole whack of doubts, more than a few tears, and some bravery, but in time, you heal. You learn to build a new life. You get to the stage where you can look back and own your part in wasting so many years of both lives. I can't promise that you'll find someone new who will love you as much as you love them, but I can promise that you will be able to look yourself in the eye each morning and know that you did the right thing for all concerned and you'll begin to understand that if you waste any more years of your life, it will be solely on you.

So, do you want to live your life to the full or do you want to merely exist?
 Nosunlightsinging
Joined: 6/4/2015
Msg: 8
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 4:42:49 AM
You don't tell us what "not being in love"means to you. Does he just not display his love in the way you want? There are no children, presumably no property issues, no indication of any dependency issues so if he is not in love with you, why is he still with you?
 J3LV3HL_WV3JP
Joined: 4/5/2015
Msg: 9
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 4:46:44 AM

yowza. besides being married, there are obviously many, many other arduous ways to be miserable in a relationship. [/quote.

A little coffee came out of my nose there. And the scary thing is, I wasn't drinking any at the time. :oD

If he doesn't love you (or is not IN love with you), then it's a relationship of convenience. You'll always know you're sleeping with a shell, and his mind may even be on other women.

I'd do your best to wrap that one up, it's already over in his mind.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 12
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 5:57:53 AM
I'm not sure there's a way to make someone miss you. That could only be determined once you left. As in you never know what you had until you lose it.

Years ago I had a woman whom I had dated for awhile and I wanted to take things to the next level.

Her reply was.....I could so easily fall in love with the idea of spending the rest of my life with you but I would never be able to make myself fall in love with you. It wouldn't be fair to you nor me.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 13
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 6:03:39 AM
This is the problem with the forums or any internet chat sites-hearing one side of the story. It would be great to hear both sides of the story at times such as this to get a sense of what's really going on. Saying he doesn't love you anymore without any real explanation of why doesn't really say much. Then there are things added in to cloud the issue, like:
" His actions speak he is in love, but words don't. He displays his love very nice, I'm really glad."
I have always been a proponent of actions speak louder that words.
All you can do is ask him if he's willing to go to couples counseling or lay your cards on the table and tell what you want, or you walk. It makes me wonder who is the one who really fell out of love.-especially when the thought of cheating comes to your mind. People don't cheat on someone they really love.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 14
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 6:04:50 AM

How can a good relationship exist if one partner, my bf, is not in love? He's a great guy and I have no complaints but this one. He loves me obviously and says so, but he is not in love. It bothers me, because I am in love. I feel I'm wasting my emotions on him who's fallen out of love like 8 years ago. I respect his devotion and commitment to me but it feels unrequited.


Seems to me if you knew 8 years ago he wasn't in lust/into you and
You felt no true intimacy coming from him
Then you've got a bigger problem than he does.

Why have you stayed so long?

No kids,dependency, or marriage?

What keeps you with him but false hope he will
one day change?

I suggest therapy ASAP to work thru some issues you
have and to help you decide whether you are willing to
continue to settle or move on.

I'm not judging you.

I have my own story of codependency I am sparing you
suffices to say I hear you.

Work on yourself and the rest will fall into place.

This situation has diminished your self esteem for so long
you can't see what you are doing to yourself by staying.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 15
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 6:39:46 AM

I know it's wrong and I'm not like that, but there's a side of me who wishes to cheat on him since I don't understand what I mean to him. I'm afraid if I did that, he wouldn't care much, even though he is a jealous guy but it would be just his natural reaction, not a response out of fear of losing me.


Sounds to me like you're just looking for an excuse to execute the above ideas. If he is a writer, talk about his female characters. Ask him why he thinks it's important for them to feel the way they feel. Realize that being romantic, touchy-feely, sexual, and say the stupid things all the time are important. As humans, as social animals we need that connection and touch.

I text my girlfriend at least once or twice a day and tell her that I love her. I tell her when I leave the house for work. I tell her after we go to bed. I tell her after dinner. So discuss on of his characters and make him realize that even though is fiction, that is how people want and NEED to feel.
 Nosunlightsinging
Joined: 6/4/2015
Msg: 16
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 6:50:25 AM
[I text my girlfriend at least once or twice a day and tell her that I love her. I tell her when I leave the house for work. I tell her after we go to bed. I tell her after dinner. ]

IG can do this. He doesn't suggest it is or will possibly become, a chore, something to programme into the organizer .

For some of us it will be. it does not mean we love our partner any the less. We just don't display it that way.

And only encouraging us to "fake it until we make it" will breed resentment.

How about asking if that is his "problem"?
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 17
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 7:03:01 AM

For some of us it will be. it does not mean we love our partner any the less. We just don't display it that way.


Dude, I agree with you 100%. That is why I would recommend that people read the 5 love languages. There are people that like and need the reaffirmation, others need touch, others need acts of kindness, others need to simply be listened to while others need small gifts.

Most people are a mix of two, but they don't exactly match what your partner may be.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 18
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 7:12:44 AM

Not being in love to him means he isn't attracted to me like before and
sees me more as a friend than a lover or a gf. In spite of that, he still
wants to have sex, but I have a problem with it. I'm not punishing
him by not having sex, I just want it to mean something. If we're a couple,
I want us to make love. Not just have sex when he feels like it.

I'm grateful he's honest, but saying he's not in love after 9 years, when
the relationship seems stable, is a huge step back for me. It's like he's
trying to put a wall between us and distance himself while everything
else stays the same. I don't understand why he's done it and how did he
expect me to react.


I'd react by saying that's just not good enough for me.

How you react is dependant on how much more time you want to waste.

if you have a problem having sex with a man who admits to not
being in love with you, then realistically it's already over
But the packing.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 7:23:38 AM

My thoughts on cheating are just thoughts, I won’t act on it.


Of course you won't. That's why you have a profile on a dating site, with the Intent listed as "wants to date but nothing serious", and no mention of currently being in a relationship. Have you told him you're on a dating site, getting advice from strangers? He might be interested in reading the responses.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 20
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 7:38:16 AM

I suggest therapy ASAP to work thru some issues you
have and to help you decide whether you are willing to
continue to settle or move on.


Op, Both Maleman and Hearton have suggested couples counseling or therapy.
You have invested 9 years of your live's with each other.
I would not advise for you to cheat on each other, nor do I advise you walk away. If your life is, as good as you say it is, have the courage to work on the relationship together. I highly recommend therapy. It can change your life for the better.

recommend that people read the 5 love languages.


I agree with IG's advice also. A very good book for any couple to read.

Your relationship is at the point of needing a little repair. Of course you have the right to be happy and desire to be loved. Be willing to "fix"/"heal", your relationship together, BEFORE calling it quits.

FYI, Starting all over again in the dating world can be an f'n nightmare. LOL To gain a little insight, spend a few hours reading the Forums. ! LOL
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 21
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 7:39:07 AM

People don't cheat on someone they really love.


People don't expect sex when they have admitted they aren't in love either
but he did.

If they had a FORUMS ONLY option I'd certainly use it
under intent!
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 22
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 8:16:03 AM

I forgot to say, to me, being in love means being excited about your partner and truly happy, it’s not just to love your partner, but to deeply feel it all the time if possible

oh pretty please with a cherry on top?!?

good lord, your BF must be exhausted trying to keep you in a perpetual state of arousal. this is emotional nymphomania.

if you want to set up these pie-in-the-sky expectations, then don't be surprised if you feel perpetually disappointed by whatever relationship you'll find yourself in.

as you suggested, a Band-Aid solution to that is to start fukking other people in order to create the sort of psychic intensity you crave, even if it's only in the form of conflict, jealousy, and mistrust. but if you can push your way past all of that, then the make-up sex will be terrific.
 Divinebeing
Joined: 6/4/2015
Msg: 23
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 8:34:01 AM

Not "In love" is what people say when they don't
Feel lust or passion within the relationship.

You shouldn't cheat,you should inform him that this
isn't a healthy way to live and that you are settling for
unrequited love.

You're right!

You can't make him feel in love with you
But you can change your reaction to his indifference
by leaving him to find someone who feels about you
what you feel about them


+ 1

Hearton nailed the crap out of this one !
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 24
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 8:39:04 AM

good lord, your BF must be exhausted trying to keep you in a perpetual state of arousal. this is emotional nymphomania.

if you want to set up these pie-in-the-sky expectations, then don't be surprised if you feel perpetually disappointed by whatever relationship you'll find yourself in.


I think this is right on the money as well.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 26
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History
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 8:54:57 AM

We're not a couple who goes on dates and things like that and that is fine for us. We like to stay in. Doing romantic things won't work for us, especially not for him since he is even less romantic than me. I can't make him fall in love.

He is Even Less romantic than ya. Okay. So how are you "wasting your emotions on him" all that much then, if you're not a romantic? Are you sure you're not in much the same boat as he -- and are looking for a way out to experience -something- (hence wanting to cheat)?

I'm in a weird place now and don't know how to get over it? I don't want to leave him, I love him, but at the same it's almost unbearable staying and knowing how he feels.

I think he'd be saying much the same as you. Things have been "blah", and I think both of you are in the same ballpark. You'll be able to see his faults, his lack of emotion, etc -- moreso than your own. Because, after all, you can read your own mind - not his. Same for him.

I'm in a weird place now and don't know how to get over it? I don't want to leave him, I love him, but at the same it's almost unbearable staying and knowing how he feels.

Instead of cheating, you bring up the topic. It's better to bring things up about it -- without letting it build up until the chains break and it begs/asks for Fighting -- and go over it. It very well may turn into arguing, etc. But you shouldn't even think about cheating or leaving until you've both gone over things a very good amount first.

If you're not wanting to bring it up and over some time keep bringing it up to change things -- then you yourself are not "in" love either, and it isn't one-sided.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 27
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 9:02:12 AM

Interesting that my bf went to a psychotherapist few years ago and therapist said he thinks my bf is deeply connected to me

that was a few years ago, but still. why wasn't a professional opinion good enough for you, because you aren't tingling on a daily basis?


I didn't like some rude comments about cheating but everyone can say whatever they want.

that's interesting. how do you think your boyfriend would feel about it??? I didn't like what you said about cheating either.... I think your comments so far show the kind of duplicity that can do nothing but undermine the relationship you say you care so much about (when your lips are moving). but hey you brought it up. so it looks like we're even.

perhaps instead of asking why you're not FEEEEEELING it, you should just accept that staying in a relationship that makes you feel all numb inside is always worse than bailing out and learning to find the kind of real happiness that can only come from within. that way, you'll eventually have something of real value in yourself to share with another person instead of perpetually being on the take.

nine years with a man who by professional standards is deeply connected to you, and you say everything is a-ok. so you're either not being honest with yourself, or you're leaving a whole lot out of the story. I guess that would explain why you've been on a dating site for an entire year, just tentatively toying with the idea of getting some fresh d1ck. step #1, get a dating profile. step #2, nothing. i hope picks up your cell phone and stumbles across your account here, it would serve you right. RUT ROE burst your fantasy bubble with the novels thingy. this is your reality, and welcome to it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 28
Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 9:04:03 AM

Our friends are all married with kids and we decided we don't want that. Somehow, since I'm 32, I wonder is he not marrying me because he's not in love and I'm wasting my time on something phony?


There is so much double talk and contradictions by the OP, it's hard to make heads or tails of what's going on. In one sentence, she says how wonderful it is, and the next sentence, she's not happy about it. Like in the statement above-they decided they don't want to follow the standard path of marriage followed by having kids. In the next sentence, she's wondering why they aren't following the standard path of marriage, and wondering if it's wasting time and phony. Which is it-pro or anti-marriage? Or does it change every five minutes? The OP doesn't even know herself what she wants, so how is the boyfriend to know? Or is he expected to have ESP and read her mind because he's a guy?
 Fabreezey
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 29
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Does not being in love means the end of the relationship?
Posted: 6/23/2015 9:12:44 AM

I've been in his shoes and your shoes at different
points in my life and both situations had to be ended
for self preservations sake.


Same here.

If my current boyfriend ever utters the words "I love you but I'm not in love with you" I would be inclined to feel that the relationship had run its course, although given that you've been together for 9 years I agree with others that couples therapy could help in putting the juice back in your relationship (if it's not too late) or ending it amicably.

His fantasies about what love is are written in his novels and you appear to have your own fantasies about what love is too. I get the feeling neither of you are seeing the other for who they are. Therapy would definitely help you see things from each other's perspective and more realistically.... if you are both willing to give it a go.
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