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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Melt down      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 SlowlyandSteadily
Joined: 5/4/2015
Msg: 1
Melt downPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I am going to make this as succinct as possible. Here is the scenario.

-Dating a girl exclusively for about 5 weeks
-11 or 12 dates each lasting between 5-8 hours
-Met and talked with her parents at length on 3 occasions (She lives at home and made it a point for me to meet them a month into our relationship and stressed their approval was incredibly important to her)
-3.5 weeks in she said she loved me and I reciprocated(I know it was quick but seemed genuine)

So in short everything was progressing well albeit a little quicker than I am used to. So Monday she started a new job and she texts me throughout the day. She calls me at the end of the day crying very overwhelmed. I had already noticed by this point she is a little in her own head and is occassionally a little high strung but other than that is an amazing girl very smart, driven, cute, very kind. I listen to her and try and validate her feelings just letting her know I understand how she feels and telling her I love her and asking her how I can help. Basically I talked to her and listened until she calmed down.

Next day I text her and she responds very short which is out of character. I ask if everything is okay. She replies "Yes baby you are fine don't worry." Then an hour later she hits me with a text novel about how "She is really busy with work and doesn't think she has time to date" but she goes on to make a point of how much she loves me and cares about me and yadda yadda yadda. I sit on it for a bit then decide to reply. I did this more to stand up for myself and tell her how shitty I think it was of her to tell me via text she wanted to end our relationship. All I say is, "I can't believe you felt you should tell me this via text while you are sitting at your desk at work. I would never be that inconsiderate to you and it really belies your character. I would have still been very hurt but at least I would have left feeling like you were a decent person if you had called or come over and told me in person." She almost insantly reverses course via text and apologizes profusely but I leave it alone. She calls me at 8 that night and cries and tells me she loves me and asks me if she can take a week and she can just focus on settling into work without us interacting and then we can continue our relationship. I said yes but now I am just thinking is this going to be a pattern? Everytime she gets stressed is she going to push me away or test me like this? I need to know whether you think there is a greater probability this is how she deals with stress or that once we are more established she won't be likely to pull this crap again.
 ThatGirlNamedAlli
Joined: 12/28/2013
Msg: 2
Melt down
Posted: 8/7/2015 9:49:56 PM

I said yes but now I am just thinking is this going to be a pattern? Everytime she gets stressed is she going to push me away or test me like this?


yep. You answered your own question. Listen to your gut, you're more intuitive than you know.
 shirleywonton01
Joined: 4/30/2015
Msg: 3
Melt down
Posted: 8/7/2015 11:08:16 PM
This is why you try your hardest to take it slow and easy. I know, I know hormones are at play and it feels better than drugs. Then just try to remember to not get too attached too soon if possible. Sorry for your pain.
 SlowlyandSteadily
Joined: 5/4/2015
Msg: 4
Melt down
Posted: 8/7/2015 11:29:24 PM
I definitely appreciate the irony of the situation given my username and I really appreciate the advice from everyone. I was proud of myself more than anything for just calling her out for her shitty behavior and for standing up for myself and how I feel I deserve to be treated. Her callousness in texting me a pseudo breakup was really out of character. She had done a lot of really nice things for me that went above and beyond what a new partner would normally do before the text. As far as her being spoiled I wouldn't say that is exactly a fair assessment. She just moved back in with her parents because she is going back to school for a Doctorate in Psychology (I find females complicated enough so God help me dating a psychologist.) She pays for all of her own schooling and everything and while her relationship with her family is very tight knit she seems like she does her own thing and her parents don't seem overly involved in her life in a weird way.

My concern is more that running away seemed to be her go to solution when she got stressed. In her defense without any probing from me she admitted she has only dated complete jerks in the past and she has been unsure how to act when I treat her well and by the fact I don't generally act like a jackass. I know this can be a cop out in many situations but it rings true to me based on some of our interactions. For instance she frequently asks permission to do mundane things that I feel only a girl who has exclusively dated controlling or jealous guys would ask (i.e. Is it okay if I go out with so and so tonight? Would you be upset if I had a glass of wine at this dinner I am going to tonight?) I think she is wildly uncomfortable being in a relationship with an equal (education, socio-economic, and motivation wise) and with a guy who is well-adjusted and nice. I think she may have had a combo of a little bit of a stress induced freak-out and she may be trying to self-sabotage a little out of fear of getting in to deep and being hurt. My follow up question would be do you think it is unreasonable of me to remain in the relationship but proceed at a slower pace and keep my eyes wide open? Do you think that given time and support we can both learn to operate in a relationship with an equal and to proceed in a healthy manner?

In the interest of full disclosure I have exclusively dated girls who were way less motivated, educated, and kind so I have to admit I have had moments dating this girl where I have been uncomfortable by dating someone I view as an equal I just didn't freak out like she did.
 shirleywonton01
Joined: 4/30/2015
Msg: 5
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 12:40:03 AM

I was proud of myself more than anything for just calling her out for her shitty behavior and for standing up for myself and how I feel I deserve to be treated.


I think it's all about this....you got it. A way for you to grow and understand your self-worth. Something was in it for her too, but that has yet to be understood. Maybe it's just the stress of going to school and working, but most likely more....healing from her past hurts.

To answer your last question, if you heart is still in it, go ahead and continue to see her just don't expect anything and let the future unfold as it will. Good luck!
 southernfl
Joined: 6/2/2014
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 2:41:34 AM
I used to act similar when I was 21-22 . She doesn't deal with stress very well , she probably doesn't have much experience with it . If I were you , I'd probably slow down a bit with that relationship , or soon you are the one who will be feeling overwhelmed . Take a break she is asking .
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 7
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 3:58:11 AM
OP, Can you instantly "freeze frame" this scenario? Too much, too fast, just too, tooo, tooo,
From the outside looking in everything is a blur!! I don't know how either one of you can think clearly, the dust is still flying! ????She is going to school for a Doctorate in Psychology???? A new job, a new BF, going to school, moved back to her parents? ALL in 5 weeks???
Good grief! No wonder her head is spinning (insert visual of Linda Blair from the Exorcist).

Any one of these life altering situations is stressful, let alone attempt them all at once.

I agree the texting personal convo thing is wacked to say the least. Everyone wants to communicate with a touch pad. I detest it and refuse to participate.

Both of you need to notch this back a bit, both need to apply some common sense, and both of you need some personal space. Both need to give respect for each other.
Good luck!

ETA: Can I ask why your profile is unedited to reflect this new love interest?
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 8
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 4:10:28 AM

I think it's all about this....you got it. A way for you to grow and understand your self-worth.


Oh yeah, nothing like a retalitory text message to grow that sense of self worth.


I was proud of myself more than anything for just calling her out for her shitty behavior and for standing up for myself and how I feel I deserve to be treated.
 LadyEssKay
Joined: 2/13/2015
Msg: 9
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 5:27:34 AM
People will treat you how you allow them to treat you.

If you accept this behaviour this time, as sure as I'm sitting here, she will do it again.

By the way, I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling there is another person in play.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 10
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 6:22:44 AM
Hmm, so you sent a snot o gram via text, you want her to avail herself to you when she is at work, you have an active dating profile up yet you seem to be placing all the blame on her
26 is hardly young so that doesn't merit a free pass.
Sorry but I think there is much more to this story
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 6:40:43 AM
It has been way too hot and heavy way too fast. You hardly know each other despite all the dates and she is feeling it is going too fast I would say. Saying that you love each other after a few weeks is just nonsense. It may be lust or infatuation but it certainly is not love. You are but strangers and dont know what is out of character for her or what is not.. I am sure you have been intimate already and she is probably regretting the pace that it has taken on. She may actually have other people she is seeing and I think you have become too invested too soon.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 12
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 6:49:56 AM

So Monday she started a new job and she texts me throughout the day....Next day...Then an hour later she hits me with a text novel


So on her first day of a new job, you two are text bombing each other. Next day at work, she writes you a text novel. Did she get any work done on her job? And then you two have a lover's quarrel via text on company time. Then you wonder why she didn't tell you in person. She should be just as concerned about keeping her job as keeping (or not keeping) you. Companies want people to keep their private lives and work lives separate. I think she was feeling smothered, since she can't even go to a job without being bombarded by your constant presence. You need to give each other some breathing room and space. You are sounding like a teenager with a high school crush, where you can't get enough of each other, until one day, one of you gets tired of the non-stop smothering. Go hang out with buddies on occasion and she should have a girl's night out from time to time to get a break from each other. Live by the text, die by the text.
 SlowlyandSteadily
Joined: 5/4/2015
Msg: 13
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 7:08:52 AM
I don't know what a snot-o-gram is I assume it is your code for a nasty text. My response to her wasn't nasty in the least bit (at least not in my opinion). It communicated, with what I feel was an appropriate level of dissapointment, the way her decision to text me a pseudo break made me feel (namely hurt and disrespected). As far as having an active dating profile I am new to PoF but my profile is hidden from other users or at least I think it is. I am not the best with technology but I actually spent quite a bit of time figuring out how to hide my profile from other users once we became exclusive. I have several character faults just like everyone else in the world but being unfaithful or underhanded is not one of them. And what I typed is the whole story from start to finish sorry this isn't the JFK shooting or the case of the century. I did not edit, add, or omit any information to make her look worse or me look better.
 SlowlyandSteadily
Joined: 5/4/2015
Msg: 14
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 7:20:09 AM
While I appreciate and agree with the sentiment of your post (that we need to give each other some space) it is a bit frustrating how presumptious some of the posts are (although I guess that is to be expected when I put my business on the internet). I never said we "text bombed" each other. We texted throughout the day back and forth which in our case consisted of probably a total of 8-10 messages over her 8 hour work day. I don't consider a text roughly every hour to be ridiculous especially considering her first day of work consisted of her cleaning and organizing her classroom. You also assume I was the one initiating all the texting and that I am so self-unaware that I text people repeatedly during their work day without consideration for the fact they are at work. I think both her and I understand how to act professionally and exchanging a handful of texts throughout the day at appropriate times doesn't seem ridiculous or unprofessional to me. You also somehow came to the conclusion that during the 5 weeks we have been dating I have not hung out with buddies (I go out at least 2 times a week with friends sans the girlfriend and I also play tennis and pick-up soccer twice a week) and she is very active with her friends and school as well.
 Whistle_Stop
Joined: 4/9/2015
Msg: 15
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 7:21:27 AM
You know...I believe you, young man.
First because you seem to be respectful and you articulated yourself well in explaining the story.
You were not mean or name calling in the least about the young woman and stuck up for her....in fact.
I think you're a "gem" and she is young and confused and a little over whelmed.

If I were you.....Communicate to her your feelings in all this.
It may be a one time incident or a foreseeable take on her future behavior when faced with stress.
I am an over thinker and usually will not do knee jerk decisions, but others do and then have regrets.
Youth, inexperience all factor in, as well.
You need to make a choice for yourself and your well being....no one else can do that for you.
Good Luck!!
 Peas_
Joined: 5/2/2015
Msg: 16
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 7:27:51 AM
I have to agree with Ouija and Maleman here....first:


she may have had a combo of a little bit of a stress induced freak-out and she may be trying to self-sabotage a little out of fear of getting in to deep and being hurt.


Go ahead and lookup major life's stressors. There you will find, starting a new job, starting a new relationship also.

What makes you think, THAT SHE THINKS, just because you each said "I love you", that this relationship will last forever? No guarantees for that.

So what will she have if things do not work out for the two of you? That's right, hopefully she will have this job which is very important in her future independence from her parents.

Also do you think it's easy to live with your parents? No. They are prolly pushing her to focus on the job. Which is a good thing, yet very stressful. A motivator.




My follow up question would be do you think it is unreasonable of me to remain in the relationship but proceed at a slower pace and keep my eyes wide open?

You can give her space until she feels comfortable at learning her new job. That is called support. NOT bombarding her with texts while she's working. That was just immature.

Do you think that given time and support we can both learn to operate in a relationship with an equal and to proceed in a healthy manner?

Yes, if you aren't so clingy.
 11qq
Joined: 7/17/2015
Msg: 17
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 7:57:15 AM

I don't know what a snot-o-gram is


you gotta get with the times hipster!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 12:10:44 PM
People who play at love are often confused and way too dramatic. First off you do not love someone in 3.5 weeks, that's just insane. That's infatuation and while exciting, it's not love. People who play this game have inserted dozens of people into this role, hoping it works out, and when it doesn't, there are nasty break ups and when it does, well then they go on about love at first sight, soul mates, etc., it's exhausting. Of course most the time it does not work out, so then the drama kings & queens blame it on the other person, and that's when it all gets nasty. When someone tells me they love me, before they even know me, buh-bye, I don't have time for that game playing. To each his own. What you are finding is that as you get to know her, you don't like her, and you certainly don't love her.
 ClooneysMentor
Joined: 8/2/2015
Msg: 19
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 12:19:08 PM
Foo foo on both parties.

She's immaturely telling you she's no longer interested.

You can't brow beat a woman into making her adore you. Cut out the snot a grams.

Walk away and let it...go.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 1:16:03 PM

We texted throughout the day back and forth which in our case consisted of probably a total of 8-10 messages over her 8 hour work day. I don't consider a text roughly every hour to be ridiculous


So 8-10 messages during a work day, and either seeing her after work or sending more texts (every hour or so maybe?) when not in front of each other, and you don't consider it excessive? That's where we differ. If I'm seeing someone daily or almost every day, I don't have 8 to 10 or more new things or new topics to talk/text about each time. My life is not much different now than it was an hour ago. And if you're only repeating the same thing multiple times a day, that gets old and totally boring after the first 50 billion times. I like having the workplace a no-contact zone unless it's an emergency. It's hard enough to concentrate and not make mistakes as it is, without constant distractions. Plus it doesn't give a good impression if half of your time is spent making love to your phone, and people see it.
 SlowlyandSteadily
Joined: 5/4/2015
Msg: 21
Melt down
Posted: 8/8/2015 1:50:21 PM
To clarify I don't think texting sporadically throughout the day from time to time is a bad thing. I agree a lot of people overuse it but I feel I do a pretty good job of moderating the amount of back and forth I do via text. I also didn't want my original or subsequent posts to be seen as an indictment on the girl's character. I do truly believe she stressed out and also had a bit of self-sabotage when she sent me the original text. My text back to her was not intended to make her rethink her decision or really for her at all. I just felt like if I didn't tell her that I felt hurt and disrespected by the way she went about communicating her uncertainty about continuing a relationship I would feel worse about myself in the long run for not voicing my feelings and for what I view as standing up for myself. I certainly have no interest in brow beating her into a relationship. When we talked that night I repeatedly said if you do not want to continue our relationship please tell me at this point and I can walk away feeling good about the situation because you were at least respectful enough to tell me in an appropriate forum (via phone vs. text message). I am a really nice guy sometimes to the point of being emotionally taken advantage of and although I know many people would have simply walked away without responding to her I am really not looking for input on whether I should have done that or not. I feel pretty comfortable with my decision in that regard.

I appreciate all the input from everyone even that which came off as a little harsh or judgmental because I think the sentiment was generally correct. I talked to her and told her I think it is best if she takes a week to get settled into her new job and then we can go about seeing each other once a week on a set day and continuing the relationship at a more reasonable pace. I am going back to school in a couple weeks to continue some post graduate work and we will both be very busy. I have promised myself I will keep my eyes open for red flags and not put myself in a situation where I feel out of control or like I am moving faster than I am comfortable with. I know a lot of you suggested I get out before I get too invested but I feel confident that I can pull back a bit and continue the relationship without a great risk of being hurt. She agreed to that in fact she kind of pushed for more frequent interaction but I think it is better if I take the lead and dictate the pace of the relationship a little more since I seem to be more in tune with what I can handle then she seems with herself. Sorry if that sounds patronizing as that is not my intent. Again to all thanks for the input it was incredibly helpful in my decision making process.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 22
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 4:03:44 PM
SlowlyandSteadily- Five weeks in, but you knew her character?!
Sorry, but no you didn't.
At the beginning of a relationship, both parties are on their best behavior. (Usually)
Even if you manage to get two people together that BOTH act exactly the same in the beginning, 5 weeks in NOT enough time to REALLY know someone's character.
Honestly, you both rushed it.
With her, she started a new job, which it difficult no matter what.
Maybe she had a SUPER awful first day at work?
You didn't say much about that, but she was upset, so I'm guessing that was the case.
You did the right thing talking to her, that was kind.
I'm not trying to slam you, I promise, I'm just talking reality.
If this IS right, for both of you, does it have to be decided RIGHT now?
I think you know the answer.
Don't dump her just yet, more time will tell for SURE if she is a drama queen.
I'm not sure about that and you don't seem to be either, so SLOW down and give you both some time to figure each other out.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 4:31:39 PM
WOW...this sounds vaguely familiar. OP this is imo the danger when relationships escalate too quick and more importantly escalate to intense emotions/passion. I call it infatuation flings. IMO they burn out just as intense and fast(if your lucky) as they begin. Not saying this is the case in your situation but I had this happen too many times when I was your age and they seem to come to a similar wall.

IMO 11-12 dates would have been worth more if it was in 10-12 weeks , rather than 2-3 times a week. Believe it or not , time is important for REAL feeling to come about. So it is sometimes in your best interest to stretch it out so it isn't as overwhelming in the beginning.

Many/most posters will maybe will disagree. But..... (shrugs)

ps- you said you met parents at the 4th week and you were dating 5 weeks total. Didn't you find it odd that she pushed you to meet parents after you said you loved her and then a total of 3 times in that last week you met and chatted with parents?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 5:18:51 PM
I have never had a job where it was okay to play around on the computer or to text or get personal phone calls unless it was an emergency. I think when you are supposed to be working, you are stealing from the company, but I know many people think it's fine if you can get away with it. So for me, if someone was texting me throughout the day, and on the first day of a new job no less, that would irk me. Evey one will not feel the same.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 5:19:50 PM
How could you say her behavior was "out of character" when you hadn't had time yet to learn her character?

She crumples under stress. Not a good sign for any reason.

People fall in love with personality--they *should* marry character. That means waiting to see how a person responds to stress, temptation, illness, etc.

You have gained experience, so let this go and move on.
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