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 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 1
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Violence and WomenPage 1 of 22    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)
How prevalent is violence against women in their professional, personal, and dating lives? I keep reading and hearing about incidents that I am unable to understand. I'm not referring to the big media stories but information from women I know or communicate with in some fashion or another.

Is violence against women really that prevalent 'out there'? I must be so naïve to be so disturbed by what I hear and read.

I know this is not a 'Over 45' issue specifically, but I think the Over 45 crowd may bring insight about the issue from a three generational viewpoint - Your parents generation, your generation, and your children's generation.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 2
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 3:11:14 AM
I've never had any sort of act of violence befall me. Nor anyone in my family.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 3
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 3:39:08 AM
I am told my grandfather was violent, but he never beat the daughters or his wife. When drunk he threatened the whole family, like lining everyone up and pointing a shotgun at them.

He beat the boys, sometimes with a chain. They all left home before 18, his wife left him and moved away, the only one that stayed on was the youngest daughter who cared for him till he died.

I never met him and it's from my mother that I heard those stories.

My father and brothers are all gentle, more like women would take advantage of them. My middle brother lucked out with a controlling but righteous wife, my youngest is married to a shrew.

Personally I have never met women that have been beaten or experienced violence outside of what my mother told me.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 4
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History
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 3:53:07 AM
Many women won't talk about it because they feel ashamed it happened. You have met women who experienced it, you just weren't told.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 4:13:06 AM
From a slightly different point of view, I can say for sure that the world overall is filled with many more people who behave very badly towards each other every day, than is generally recognized, even by those in the various media who you might expect would want to capitalize on it.

Both when I was growing up long ago, and more recently trying to help my children get through life here, I found that bullying, racist attacks, sexist attacks, petty violence, thievery, and gang-type violence and threats of violence happen amongst people of all ages all the time. How much of it is tolerated or ignored by those who are supposed to be the guardians in society varies from time to time and circumstance to circumstance, and especially with whatever the prevailing political climate is.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 6
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 4:33:21 AM

Many women won't talk about it because they feel ashamed it happened. You have met women who experienced it, you just weren't told.


Well, I am pretty nosy and ask a lot of questions. Of course I have no idea about the random women I met in a place like a shopping center.

I have a friend that her ex-husband was very controlling. He once nailed his daughter into her bedroom with a pot to pee in for a couple of days. Punishment for wearing her new winter boots in the fall to show them off.

But she never mentioned if he was violent. She divorced him and is now married to a good friend of mine.

If women never talk about it, then we will never know the truth, everyone has to make a guess. But women sure do talk about it on the Internet.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 7
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 5:45:26 AM
The safest take on violence is saying that if it happens once, it's too many times.

What bugs me about these forums and a lot of other online dating discussions is how quickly things escalate to the worst-case scenario. Being a devil's advocate doesn't make this whole process any easier - it makes it a lot worse than it needs to be. Everyone has a horror story they just fester to tell - but how many talk about positives or stories where nothing ever happened? It doesn't happen - because the drama isn't there. Keeping attention is what matters most, so we hear about the seedy underbelly of dating more than anything else.

Most stories of violence I have heard from people I know - involved OTHER problems that were sometimes dismissed as an 'issue' - such as drug use or alcohol. People don't always go nuts from just their temper alone.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 8
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 7:10:28 AM
I was once married to an abusive S.O.B. never been hassled on the job or on a date.
 LLove2LaughToo
Joined: 3/5/2011
Msg: 9
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 7:54:36 AM

Seki1949 :
How prevalent is violence against women in their professional, personal, and dating lives?


If you really want to know how prevalent this problem is, and hear the stories of survivors of sexual assault or domestic violence, I advice you to attend a domestic violence advocate counselor training, and volunteer with an organization in your area. You can also volunteer with an anger management program for men and women.

It will be a real eye-opener.
 earwigs_have_wings
Joined: 10/16/2014
Msg: 10
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 8:01:28 AM
What I find interesting is when some men think women who have been in physically abusive relationships are damaged goods. I've read this in their profiles. Some people may continue to be damaged while others move forward and aren't damaged.

I volunteer with an organization where some of the clients are homeless and addicts. One woman came in with red in her eye and bruising around it. For some reason I didn't notice it until she mentioned it. I did not pry or ask what happened because it would have brought me back to a time I do not want to relive. She told me it's not safe to go home and I understood what that meant and again didn't ask questions.

Over fifteen years ago I had a friend who was over and my boyfriend at the time called. The conversation was controlling on his end. My friend agonized while she listened and told me afterward that she couldn't be around me because it brought her to a place she didn't want to be. I felt rejected by her but at the same time understood and understand even more now that I am older. Violence in a relationship doesn't only affect the victim but it affects everyone around them. I missed my best friend's wedding due to it because she was afraid my bf at the time would crash her wedding.

I am long past all of the above and haven't ended up in any ongoing abusive situations and when I did see the signs I did something about it. Sometimes after an abusive man has gone to jail for a few days they get out and never lay a hand on a woman again whereas some think it is time for revenge and do more damage.

It's true that many women prefer not to talk about it due to embarrassment and for others it's because they don't want to 'go back there'. I prefer to keep it swept under the rug.
 rennips1949
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 11
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 9:15:15 AM

What I find interesting is when some men think women who have been in physically abusive relationships are damaged goods.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway

.
 Whistle_Stop
Joined: 4/9/2015
Msg: 12
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 10:05:01 AM
My first husband was abusive...physically and emotionally. I could write a book but it wouldn't be much different than the others.
Even now....it's hard to disclose something so personnel to strangers.
Yes.....There are probably many women not telling what is going on behind closed doors...out of fear, shame, quilt....
My regrets are the memories my daughters may have....I made sure to try to tell them...they deserved better.

But....my second husband was a gem....I think finding a "decent good" man that was respectful and loving.
Opened my heart to what a good relationship can be.
I won't accept less..
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 13
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 10:07:02 AM
I refuse to let a few bad men destroy my opinion of half of the human race."This is actually very rare," a counselor said after I was raped. "Not in MY world!" I retorted.

My older sister's best friend, Carol, 16, was riding bicycles with a girlfriend on a summer day, along a busy road near our home. Suddenly a van screeched to a stop. Two men leaped out, grabbed Carol and threw her into the van- bicycle and all- and sped away. Carol's naked, battered and raped body was found in a ditch two weeks later.

My first boyfriend and first husband were sexually and emotionally abusive. These men enjoyed causing pain.

Between the ages of 18 and 20, three large men overpowered and tried to rape me. Two of these men were my supervisor. I got lucky. When they let go with one hand to loosen their belt, I broke free and ran.

At 22, a man ran my car off the road at night while I was driving home alone. He got out and ran toward my car. I unrolled the window an inch. "Are you all right?" I called. To my horror, he was wearing a woman's nylon stocking over his head. My doors were locked and car was running. I swerved to try to hit him. He jumped back and I sped away.

Through tears, I repeated aloud his license plate number while driving home, so I wouldn't forget it. The police said this man severely beat and hospitalized two women a month earlier, under the same circumstances. I never heard from the police again.

My 19 year-old daughter was severely raped and beaten in her bed in college. Two years later I was raped by a man I met through match.com. All of this has made me vigilant. I avoid bars and never walk alone at night. This has been my experience.
_________________________________

"One in every four women and one in every seven men have experienced severe physical violence by a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Stalkers victimize approximately 5.2 million women and 1.4 million men each year in the U.S, with domestic violence-related stalking the most common type of stalking and often the most dangerous.

"One in ten 9th-12th grade students were physically hurt on purpose by a boyfriend or girlfriend in 2009 alone. One in five women and one in 71 men have been raped in their lifetimes, and nearly 1.3 million women in the U.S. are raped every year.

"The statistics are sobering – even more so with our understanding that these types of crimes are often the most underreported. Many victims suffer in silence without confiding in family and friends, much less reaching out for help from hospitals, rape crisis centers, shelters, or even the police."

Source: "DOJ Director on Violence Against Women in the United States," by Rahim Kanani, Forbes Magazine, March 2, 2012.
 MissScawlett
Joined: 3/26/2015
Msg: 14
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 10:54:15 AM
I'm very fortunate to have never been a victim of any sort of abuse or violence. I credit my mother, who is one of the strongest women I know, who taught me and my sisters to never allow anyone to treat us badly and that it was OK to tell if anything did ever happen.

I learned years later that she was speaking from her own experiences as a child being molested and abused by her stepfather. She wasn't about to let that happen to any of her daughters.
 PassionateSunnyGal
Joined: 7/23/2015
Msg: 15
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 12:40:00 PM
My brother and I were sent to our rooms but could hear my father beating my mother thru the air vents. She called the police and he went to jail, he never hit her after that.

I moved to Florida back in 84 with a guy who once we were away from friends and families punched me and chipped my tooth, like a dumb ass I believed he was sorry but the next time he got drunk he hit me again...he went to sleep and when he woke up I told him to open the nightstand drawers --in them was all the knives we had...lined up--I told him if he ever hit me again I would use all of them on him when he went to sleep again ...for some reason he moved out rather quickly ...sent me postcards from some island saying how much he still loved me. I still can't believe I lined the knives up like that, but it seemed to work.

When I was selling furniture it was in an old downtown building with different type of furniture on different floors, my turn was a man who wanted to see appliances which were on the top floor...so I went up there with him, explained features and benefits and then on the way back down he grabbed me and told me I knew what I needed to do if I wanted to make a sale--I told him he didnt have enough money for me and shoved him off.

Back in 2008 when I first joined OLD This guy was 6'5" and over 300 lbs (really bad first met, was upset we couldn't sit at the bar, stare at everything else, wouldn't talk, got ice teas that totalled $4.23 and he said he only had a credit card so I should just go ahead and pay for it.) So he says let me at least walk you to your car--so he opens the door and I got in and he squats down and leans in and just shoved his tongue down my throat--so Im pushing him off of me and he says well if you didn't like that you will hate this and proceeded to lick me from the top of my top to my ear...so I started the car and put it in reverse...on my way home he calls and asks me what my last name was - I hung up and then when I looked behind me he was following me so I did the right turns to verify and then I just left him in the dust--I knew the back roads around there. After a few more like him and thanks to the forums, I figured out my mistake was allowing myself to believe that reminding a man to be a gentleman wasn't going to make them a gentleman--if someone started talking inappropriately to me then they were telling me their value of me and it was up to me to see it for what it is vs liking who they claim to be on a profile and hoping they treat me well.

I think it is real and I think most women are embarrassed or feel they did something to cause it, even typing this in the back of my mind is the thought of how some on these forums will pick this apart to try and imply I did something wrong
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 16
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 2:22:04 PM
Seki1949, You could look up "violence against women in America, update" to get the latest statistics.

I must be so naïve to be so disturbed by what I hear and read.

This shows you are sensitive and compassionate.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 17
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History
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 3:02:21 PM
We have already had a long discussion about rape and violence against women. Of course, in spite of the relatively infrequent nature shown by the statistics, people continue to want to develop the myth of the woman as a victim. Its true that many women do experience violence, and that is deplorable. For most women, however, it just does not happen, at least according to the statistics.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 18
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 3:50:28 PM
Sorry this is making you uncomfortable, rearguard. This isnt a quantity game. It's a thread for women here, on this forum, to share personal experiences about how violence has affected them.

You are more than welcome to start a thread about violence against men, and have guys tell their stories.

In the meantime, women are free to discuss what they want, as often as they want to.

I personally have not had any incidents happen to me at all, nor do I feel compelled now after hearing these stories, to consider myself or the whole female sex "victims."

Carry on, people.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 19
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 4:32:43 PM

My older sister's best friend, Carol, 16, was riding bicycles with a girlfriend on a summer day, along a busy road near our home. Suddenly a van screeched to a stop. Two men leaped out, grabbed Carol and threw her into the van- bicycle and all- and sped away. Carol's naked, battered and raped body was found in a ditch two weeks later.

I was almost Carol. When I was 17 I was abducted off the street in Bellevue (an wealthy community) by 2 men, driven out to the woods in the foothills of Issaquah (now a yuppie housing development), raped, beaten, and almost strangled to death except one of the guys said it would be more fun to hunt me in the woods so they let me run. I don't know if they actually hunted me but I got to the road and flagged down a car (the 1st car didn't stop even though I was clearly in distress). The man who stopped was sympathetic. He said his sister had been raped. He took me home without incidence.

A few years later one of my boyfriends in college hit me. Once. He was no longer my boyfriend after that.

Otherwise no overt acts of violence or after effects.

Except for a flashback once. Went to my neighbor's house to hang out. He was always watching movies so no surprise the tv was on as I entered the livingroom. Glanced at the tv, it was a woman being hunted in the woods by something unseen. Next thing I remember is my friend calling my name as I was crouched in a ball in the corner of the closet.

I do not consider myself a "victim." I am someone these things happened to. To claim victimhood would cede power to the perpetrators. I will not give them that.

Nor do I consider women victims because violence happens against men also. My son was sexually assaulted as a young child. Grown men may be abused by their female partner/SO/spouse.

I know this is not a 'Over 45' issue specifically, but I think the Over 45 crowd may bring insight about the issue from a three generational viewpoint - Your parents generation, your generation, and your children's generation.

The only physical violence in my family for all the generations I know of is my mother used to beat us pretty violently. But emotional/verbal abuse is/was rampant. Like my father's father blowing his brains out in 'the next room' so that my dad (at 7 yrs old) had to help clean it up. I can't imagine what that does to a child's psyche.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 20
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 4:49:12 PM
Seki1949- Here is a link that shows the facts....................

http://www.dvipiowa.org/myths-facts-about-domestic-violence/

The myths/stereotypes perpetuated abut domestic violence, and many other types of violence towards women, make it one of the most under-reported crimes there is.
If you think you don't know someone that has had it happen, you are wrong, you do, they just don't talk about it a lot of the time.
 shutterblink
Joined: 5/17/2015
Msg: 21
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History
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 5:15:52 PM
Within my closest group of girlfriends of which there are 6 of us, 3 of us have been physically assaulted and 1 of us had an emotionally abusive childhood. I don't know how that compares with the statistics... however all have had counselling and if I were to poll them, they would consider themselves healed from the trauma. That is not too say there aren't scars - just that they are healed.
 sealady111
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 22
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 5:19:39 PM
It is not only women.....


1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the United States have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

IPV (Intimate Domestic Violence) alone affects more than 12 million people each year.

More than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and more than 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

Nearly half of all women and men in the United States have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively).

Females ages 18 to 24 and 25 to 34 generally experienced the highest rates of intimate partner violence.

From 1994 to 2010, about 4 in 5 victims of intimate partner violence were female.

Most female victims of intimate partner violence were previously victimized by the same offender, including 77% of females ages 18 to 24, 76% of females ages 25 to 34, and 81% of females ages 35 to 49.

Figures from USA National Domestic Violence website

____________________________________________________________________________


I personally have been threatened but walked away before it could become any more than words.
Some people I know have verbalised that I overreacted. But I do not think so.
I would rather not be attacked verbally or physically.

Family members have appeared with bruises and said they have walked into a door.
It took one 20 years to finally leave. She believed him and loved him. Tells me that she left as she did not want to become a statistic.

A friend put up with being battered as she had nowhere else to go until he started to beat up the children. Then she ran away and got into the refuge system.

Another friend left when her husband beat up their 2 year old to the point where the child was hospitalised for 6 months. His and her parents admonished her for leaving her marriage. She had made her choice. Made her bed so she had to sleep in it. She, thankfully, disagreed.

I agree so much is never reported.

Here in Australia 2 women a week are murdered by a current or past intimate partner.
I heard that there is one city in the USA that has the same 2/week murdered statistic.


Sadly it happens everywhere.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 23
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 5:44:48 PM
Let's see...

5-6 years - molested by a friend of my grandmother in small-town USA, to get away I told him I heard my parents calling me in for dinner (I knew he was hard of hearing) - never told anyone; mostly because I had no clue as to what happened or why I felt so mentally confused.

13 years - date rape, teenager - never reported.

18 years - anonymous rape, man jumped in car - door was locked but it was summer in a non-AC vehicle so the window was open - never reported.

24 years - verbal and emotional abuse from alcoholic boyfriend; left him.

45 years - ex-husband said he would kill his sons (one is mine) then himself; I moved away - far, far away. There is a restraining order on him, but he still has visitations rights and partial custody. A relative of his is a convicted pedophile and rapist and, once I was aware of that I made sure never to be around when I knew he was 'visiting family'.

Do I count myself as a victim? No. Each time I did the best I could to protect myself and my family.
Do I blame all men for what a few men have done? No.
Am I extra-cautious with men because of what has happened?
Probably.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 24
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 7:18:53 PM
My ex told our neighbor that there was no violence involved. She told a judge something entirely different.
 JujuO12
Joined: 8/18/2015
Msg: 25
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/3/2015 8:22:43 PM

5-6 years - molested by a friend of my grandmother in small-town USA, to get away I told him I heard my parents calling me in for dinner (I knew he was hard of hearing) - never told anyone; mostly because I had no clue as to what happened or why I felt so mentally confused.

13 years - date rape, teenager - never reported.

18 years - anonymous rape, man jumped in car - door was locked but it was summer in a non-AC vehicle so the window was open - never reported.

24 years - verbal and emotional abuse from alcoholic boyfriend; left him.

45 years - ex-husband said he would kill his sons (one is mine) then himself; I moved away - far, far away. There is a restraining order on him, but he still has visitations rights and partial custody. A relative of his is a convicted pedophile and rapist and, once I was aware of that I made sure never to be around when I knew he was 'visiting family'.

Do I count myself as a victim? No. Each time I did the best I could to protect myself and my family.
Do I blame all men for what a few men have done? No.
Am I extra-cautious with men because of what has happened?
Probably.


Something like this. Different details. Different ages. Different results. I have never had a husband hit me or a boyfriend. I have never had man I am in a relationship call me names. It is hard being a woman in this world but the majority of men are good. It is just a high number of men who aren't. It benefits a woman to be leery.
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