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 SpruceMan2015
Joined: 3/10/2015
Msg: 1
being picky vs Lowering your standardsPage 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
we all do it, we all have our standards when we come on this site.

some people standards are pretty high while other's not so.

at what point, how long being on here do you say to yourself "I'm not having any luck, perhaps it's time to lower my standards a bit more"?

when do you acknowledge that "yes perhaps you're being too picky and are eliminating far too many potential mates out there"?


if you have been here for 6 months, a year, 2 years.. or even more. do you ever think "how come I can't seem to get anywhere?" or do you continue to lie to yourself and say "he/she's just around the corner!"

we all know that our success is only based on what we're willing to do to get there. Even if it's very hard to admit to yourself that you're searching a very narrow playing field and it's time to open up that field.

i'm sure most of us on this site have done it. We've set ourselves a standard minimum and have had no luck... but how long did it take you to lower those standards?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 2
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/2/2015 4:29:31 PM

being picky vs Lowering your standards


First, you need to define exactly what kind of "standards" you mean, since there are different types of standards.

And different standards can apply to different situations.

For example, the standards applied to "casual dating" may not be as stringent as those applied to a marriage/permanent long-term partner relationship.

There are physical standards and non-physical standards, and tangible standards and intangible standards.

In general, standards of core values and beliefs should not be lowered, as you are likely to regret that later on if you are looking for a long-term partner.

For example, should a woman who is staunchly anti-drug, lower her standards and date a guy who operates a meth lab just because he's good looking, 6 feet tall, and has money to take her nice places?

On the other hand, should a woman who comes across a guy who fits everything she is looking for EXCEPT that he is 5' 10" and not the 6 feet tall she was looking for, pass on him and keep searching for that extra 2" in height? (assuming she could find another guy with all of the other same criteria as well as the extra 2")

Everyone should take a good look at their standards, whether tangible or intangible, and honestly evaluate why they have those particular standards and just how important any of the particular standards are, for what they are looking for in the way of a relationship.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 3
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/2/2015 9:32:26 PM
I think people need to define their 'standards' verses their 'preferences'.
The problem is that the word 'standards' has several meanings which may apply.

To me, a standard is "those morals, ethics, habits, etc., established by an individual as acceptable."

So, I'm not talking physical appearance - that comes under preferences and is subject to evaluation and change.
I am talking about the inner integrity of an individual.
And, I don't change my standards.

Preferences? They can be all over the place depending on my mood at any given time.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 4
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/3/2015 6:42:56 AM
I'd say when you realize that you've crossed the threshold between having standards, to conscientiously lowering those standards from the original expectation.

So, being that the question has donned on you, I'd say its safe to say that you've begrudgingly done that.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 5
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/3/2015 6:52:27 AM
Lowering your standards means that you can't stand being alone. Since I'm not an extrovert, being around them all the time would drive me buggy. I'd never get anything done. Besides, lowering my standards in my area means I'd have to date women that aren't in my weight class. I don't think tatoos are very ladylike. And I hate gossip, and drama.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/3/2015 7:26:58 AM
An oft repeated question.

Fullmoonguy is pretty close to what I think, but a couple of other points:


at what point, how long being on here do you say to yourself "I'm not having any luck, perhaps it's time to lower my standards a bit more"?


Never, if you actually want a serious relationship. If all you're doing is looking to get laid, or for a week or two of mild entertainment, then you actually don't HAVE any standards worth holding to to begin with.


if you have been here for 6 months, a year, 2 years.. or even more. do you ever think "how come I can't seem to get anywhere?" or do you continue to lie to yourself and say "he/she's just around the corner!"


Again, if you actually want a MATE, then the answer is NEVER. Take my case, as an example. I know myself well enough to have accepted that I am not a simple person to match up with. Therefore the "average time" to find someone to "hang out with" doesn't apply to me. I KNOW why I'm still unmatched, and it isn't because I am being unrealistic, or picky.


we all know that our success is only based on what we're willing to do to get there.


Buzzzz. Wrong. That's a classic ego-based bravado statement, very popular amongst those for whom life is a series of one-up games, or who want to discard other people without accepting responsibility for doing so. But it's mostly crap. Success ALWAYS requires an element of luck, and an element of effort, together. Like wisdom. In this application, that means that if you "lower your standards" and DO find a real match, it isn't because you were smart enough to take a chance on someone you didn't like. It means that you were LUCKY enough, that when you ignored one of your erroneously interpreted "rules," that you learned both that you did have it wrong before, AND you were lucky enough to stumble across someone who does genuinely like you as what you really are.

In short, if you alter your "standards" and find real success, it's because your standards were your own misinterpretations of yourself and the world. Nothing more.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 7
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/3/2015 7:32:48 AM
Not necessarily lower standards. But perhaps become more flexible in some areas. Not rejecting someone that matches most of your requirements because of 1-2 inches, having a weird laugh, not being a good dancer, or maybe even having a criminal record for weed possession 20 years ago.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 8
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/3/2015 8:55:59 AM

OP: At what point,... do you say to yourself "I'm not having any luck, perhaps it's time to lower my standards a bit more"? When do you acknowledge that "yes perhaps you're being too picky and are eliminating far too many potential mates out there"? Iif you have been here for 6 months, a year, 2 years.. or even more. do you ever think "how come I can't seem to get anywhere?" or do you continue to lie to yourself and say "he/she's just around the corner!

I’ve been dating (post-divorce) for about eight years. I’ve met a good number of men and dated a few. Though I’m currently not dating, I don’t think it would be accurate to say, “I can’t seem to get anywhere.”

I’ve learned a lot about dating in one’s 50s, and I’ve learned a lot about my own peculiarities and preferences. My friends tease me for my shortcomings and quirks, and I tease them for whatever seems appropriate at the time. I’ve made some wonderful friends who have added great value to my life.

I doubt the friendships I’ve developed would be quite so rich if these men didn’t, in many important ways, meet or exceed my standards. Sometimes, the timing was off; sometimes “chemistry/attraction” didn’t happen; and sometimes there was a deal breaker (for LTR) in the mix, but my standards were never lowered. Nor, as far as I know, were theirs.

If The One doesn’t someday come to share in my life, so be it. I’m enjoying the ride, anyway. … Besides, who among us can be sure The One won’t be a friend before he/she becomes more?
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 9
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/3/2015 12:39:33 PM
Echoing what Igor said - Changing up your own standards and expecting an instant result is miserable logic. You're completely discounting the decisions being made on the OTHER side of the equation. That's where the dumb luck factors in - the Timing. You'll never know at what point someone else has decided to 'step down' off their high horse to meet you walking yours at the same time. It doesn't happen often, and most successful daters are better than average at realizing that slim window of opportunity and exploiting it. The rest of us are not geniuses of experience - we're pretty much stumbling around in the dark too. Realizing how miserable our chances truly are at finding love is a humbling experience - but when you comprehend it's not all about You and what You do - it much easier letting go and letting God or whatever open a door and flip on a switch.
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 10
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/3/2015 3:59:10 PM
I don't know quite know what you mean by "too picky" and the circumstances but I will throw out this example. A good friend of mine was with her husband for 18 years in total. They started dating when she was 17. When they split up due to him cheating and then moving in with the other woman, she came here. In a month and a half she went on 28 dates. Some might say she was picky. She was and is but in this case she was jumping into meeting them without getting to know them. Then one day, she sent an email to a guy on here. She wasn't particularlyinterested in him as he was a bit over weight and white. She just wanted to tell him that he had an amazing smile. They startedtalking and have no been together for almost five years.
 SLAFFA
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 11
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/3/2015 9:46:08 PM
Lowering one's standards/bar?

This >>> https://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts8465033.aspx was WITH mods but BFORE the 14 year thingee...

and chatting, flirting and bashings were NO NOs.
 A6K
Joined: 10/2/2011
Msg: 12
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/5/2015 5:28:07 PM
I tried dating sites extensively for a while, but after a lot of time and money I quit all together.
Because I wasn't having any luck what so ever and I'm not so sure it was my standards that were keeping me from meeting anyone.

My attitude towards online dating has always been that it was just an opportunity to meet people of the opposite sex. I work a lot these days and just over the whole hanging out at the bar thing. I didn't really try to set these standards for a "mate" and only singling out any one lady that met those standards. I just had expitations to meet a woman, maybe have a few dates and if nothing else have a new friend.

Perhaps that was the wrong attitude to have? I don't know, but whatever it was that I was doing never lead to meeting anyone. So maybe I'm lying to myself? Not sure about that either. Often I felt the other way around that women on dating sites had standards that I didn't meet and didn't have the same attitude or approach I did. That meeting people without the intention of finding a mate is just a very wrong way to look at it?

I'm not really sure either way. I kind of refuse to believe that every woman is waiting for Superman and every guy is waiting for Wonder Woman. All I know is that after all the time I spent I came to the conclusion that "dating sites are not for me" and that I must no know how to conduct or present myself very well in the digital realm.
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/6/2015 3:45:42 AM
Being picky versus lowering your standards. Oh boy. Golly. Gosh.

This all comes down to what your standards are, and what your intentions are in the first place.

If you're lowering your standards, then something is suspect somewhere -

- The thing that you believed that you were looking for was never very reliable or worthy as the thing to look for.

- And/or, you simply learned that what you were looking for, or how you were thinking about it or how you were going about it, was stupid or wrong in the first place.

- And/or, you are not lowering your standards, but instead are changing what you're looking for...deciding to look for something completely different just for the sake of finding something versus what you really want or should be trying to find.


What would be revealing, and what would answer this question or conundrum, is clarifying concisely in exactly what area the standards in question are concerning. What a person should do, and few seem to, is understand beforehand what their intentions/motivations are, know which kinds of things are counter-productive or irrelevant, and establish exactly what they really want. After that, if a person wasn't being an idiot about it, nothing would change about their standards or pickiness or non-pickiness. And shouldn't. If something does, then a person might just need to understand that it's a matter learning and becoming smarter about it, instead of mistaking it for lowering standards or being too picky.

Otherwise, I echo what fullmoonguy and igorfrankensteen has said.
 SLAFFA
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 14
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/6/2015 7:28:20 AM
Disregarding pictures AND what someone chooses to write in their profile, there are 25 items at the top of our profiles. Toss out the optional Needs and Chemistry test still leaves 23 items.

When people think they are going to be able to have 8 or 10 or more of those set in stone, the chances of success here are slim and none.

Just like in the RW.

An easy assumption is that men or women looking for quick hookups and nothing more could care less about anything other than pics. Which is probably THE thing that most complain about here in the Forums.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 15
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/6/2015 10:12:56 AM
For many, having 'standards' is merely a shield they put up to protect them from being hurt. If you find someone that's a 'perfect' match, then you KNOW it will work out, right? -- It's stupid logic, because even the best of matches can STILL turn you down and walk away. Nobody is immune from dealing with rejection at one time or another.

It's the same stupid logic people use when they assume someone is not a match or is 'below' the standards they want. They fear dealing with an inferior specimen -- because they don't want to get 'stuck' with one. It's the feeding a stray dog syndrome. Never mind that some stray mutts can be the most loyal of companions for a lifetime.

People always have the choice to accept or reject whomever they choose. This isn't the middle ages or the middle east where marriages are still arranged and out of our control. The whole concept of 'standards' is that you are putting a LIST ahead of a real human being, and that really churns my stomach. Make lists for tasks you need to accomplish - reminders of stuff yet to be done - but don't EVER pretend a list of personality traits is 'better' than the real thing; because you will NEVER know until you find out for real. You either are brave enough to risk it and try to get to know someone, or you live in fear of the unknown. Having a list doesn't mean you are better at saying 'no' - chickening out is still chickening out.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 16
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/6/2015 12:19:52 PM

The whole concept of 'standards' is that you are putting a LIST ahead of a real human being


Huh? I think what you're actually kvetching about is the length of any particular person's list.

1) Must be alive.
2) Must be a man.
3) Must be single.
4) Must be ambulatory.

And so on. Everybody, even you, has a "list".
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 17
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/6/2015 2:19:57 PM

And so on. Everybody, even you, has a "list".

I have a list of interests on my profile that's over 30 items long. Does that mean I'm into each and every one of them 100% and expect the exact same from a mate? Hell, NO. An interest is a passing thing. People are allowed to change up hobbies from time to time - why can't we change up what we desire in a companion? Why does a list of 'Must Have's' need to dominate our thinking when we choose someone? It doesn't. Attraction - as well as Time - trumps any and all good intentions AND goals for what we want in a mate.

A list is a finite thing. It has limits. Some limitations are quite severe - but some people won't realize it until they test it themselves and fall on their face a few times. I know attraction dominates my initial thinking when choosing someone in here, but I learned a long time ago it takes more than a list to make a person compatible with another.

A list is incredibly superficial, but people do it because they are terrified about wasting time on the 'wrong' person. Time is also a finite resource - but unlike a list, we have no idea where it ends. I prefer to 'waste' my time on people, not lists. I learn faster what works and what doesn't - what is worth my time and what isn't - and that waiting at home behind a screen to find someone who fulfills a list is one of THE most futile things a human being can do.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 18
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/6/2015 2:42:23 PM

Why does a list of 'Must Have's' need to dominate our thinking when we choose someone? It doesn't. Attraction - as well as Time - trumps any and all good intentions AND goals for what we want in a mate.


I agree.


A list is incredibly superficial, but people do it because they are terrified about wasting time on the 'wrong' person.


Try to be consistent. Which is it? Attraction, or lists? What are you suggesting? That attraction initially rules, but then gives way to disqualification when item "X" on the list isn't checked? What kind of list is incredibly superficial? The list that includes "must be 6 feet tall", when the woman stands at 5'10"? Is that superficial? How about the woman with a Masters degree in art history who won't date a refuse collector?


but unlike a list, we have no idea where it ends. I prefer to 'waste' my time on people, not lists. I learn faster what works and what doesn't - what is worth my time and what isn't


Right. And in the process, you've created your own mental "list".

This sounds more like a rant than an objective discussion of selection criteria.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 19
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/7/2015 9:31:56 AM
I base my standards on two sets of realities. First I look at what is the hottest woman I have gone out with, and then the least hot. Would I date again the least hot? Would date again that super hot woman? Second, who is the woman that I had the most fun, the best sex? cared about me, me cared about her? And who is the woman that I went out that I had to do the most work, felt like work and I would rather not date someone like that ever again?

Number one and number two create a range. That is my reality. Anything outside of that is simply day dreaming.

I have been rather lucky to have gone out with a lot of super hot women. From the high fashion, Vogue Magazine type, to the Cheerleader, perky, happy looking super positive sales woman type. In the process I realized that I do not like the Barbie types. They annoy the crap out of me and I can't stand them. I can't stand them in bed, in social life. They are so high maintenance that they are way too annoying. Yet those skinny high fashion types, that are rather artsy, love weird things, have huge flaws, love intellectual stuff, crazy music, weird culture and are rather sexually warped, seem to get along fine with me.

What you have to do is define your standard, what you like, what you do not like. Define the type of woman that seems to "GET YOU" as well as you get them. The type of woman that you can tell an insider's joke that nobody else would get, and she gets it.

For me, I've never had to lower my standard. And if you understand what you really like, when someone is lower than your standard, do her and your self a favor and reject her. Don't fvck her for sport, or because you could not get anyone better right now and you're desperate. Wait, be patient. Be honest. The worst thing you can do to a woman is to date her when she was below your standard and six month to a year she finds out. That would be horrible to her. I bet you that girl will lose all respect for that man right away and resent the hell out of the guy.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 20
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/7/2015 10:19:51 AM

What kind of list is incredibly superficial? The list that includes "must be 6 feet tall", when the woman stands at 5'10"? Is that superficial? How about the woman with a Masters degree in art history who won't date a refuse collector?

There's plenty of criteria out there that is inconsequential to finding a person with a compatible personality. That DOES include height and professions.

Other than factors that can be directly dangerous to your health and safety, like smoking or unstable mental health conditions - there are a ton of factors that are not absolutely "necessary" for happiness. A lot of that stuff is our own habits that we'd rather not give up for the sake of another. Some of it's laziness, some of it is fear - but a LOT of lists are made up of criteria designed to feed our own vanity and self-worth, not anything practical for survival - or even happiness.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 21
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/7/2015 2:47:17 PM
SpruceMan2015- I must be weird then, because the notion of "standards" makes my stomach turn.
The only term I can relate to, that even comes close, is compatibility/things in common.
I know who I am, what I offer, what my faults are, what I enjoy or don't. etc.
So, the only thing I do when looking is look for someone who is a good fit for me and me for them.
If I'm not a match for someone, I don't think of it as them not fitting my standards, we just weren't compatible.
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 22
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/10/2015 6:06:23 PM
All I can think of when I see the title of this thread is that old Mad TV skit - Lowered Expectations
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/10/2015 8:30:35 PM
^ Haha!

1- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atfDg4fLcks

2- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HuIfGyFEUc

3- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YarZTR72-LA

4- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg-zIMih7Gk

5- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xLsRI7-hBs

6- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmYHvEV92pE

7- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3k_JvrYsAQ

8- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZQQT3ljDdw

9- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gt4StirOzc

10- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLhQ89o5cPs

11- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjQvVBZgI_k

12- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHPI3A369xM

13- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQw_caIYmi4

14- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Sz1TpU3OhI

15- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Esm3synkYxw

16- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4O535ORbgI

17- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vNk_j3Z18A
 LucidTheory
Joined: 5/29/2012
Msg: 24
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/10/2015 9:57:25 PM
I will never lower my standards because my standards are pretty f-ing broad so there is much to choose from.

Only people with limited standards who aren't getting what they want will lower their standards. Sucks to be you (generally speaking).
 TimidTraveler
Joined: 6/21/2014
Msg: 25
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 10/11/2015 5:46:49 AM
My standard is already pretty low, any woman who is willing to put up with my day to day bullcrap is a winner in my book. To be fair though a lot of them are really stupid to begin with such as my driving habits could cause head-banging frustration to a sane person.

1) I only drive on roads that are familiar even if it means going a longer route to get somewhere, if its deep in unknown territory I may not go there at all making excuses to avoid it at all costs if I'm the one that has to drive there.

2) I stick to the lane that my destination is on which might be anywhere from a few blocks to miles away, if there happens to be large amount of traffic in that lane I don't change lanes with the fear I can't find another opening to get back in.

30 I refuse to drive highways or freeways as it causes my anxiety to rise pretty hard that I end up freezing on the road and require help getting out of it.

That's just the tip of my problems, I know psychologically the things that are wrong with me that a normal person would never have. Believe me finding anyone to put up with my crap is more than qualified.
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