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 Mixedmisty
Joined: 7/29/2011
Msg: 1
Crush on a co workerPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've been a bad bad girl...and I know it; and I am not proud of it. I am very confused and stuck on what to do. Please don't pass judgment I KNOW I am wrong and being far from a good person.

About 2 month ago this man came to my job to cover because we were short staffed. I instantly felt a connection. He made me laugh non stop; something I lack in my 4 year relationship. I felt alive got the first time in a long time. We ended up exchanging numbers, but nothing really happened. He asked me out for a drink, I felt wrong about it, so I ignored his invitation and that was about it.

Now 2 weeks ago he was permanently transferred to my place of work which I KNEW would be trouble. He sits right next to me. Constant flirting and laughing made me go insane for him and we ended up going out a week later. We had a blast. He knows I have a boyfriend. Now this is where it gets complicated...on our first date I noticed he was in a rush to get home, and kept looking at his phone. I knew it wasn't because he didn't enjoy being with me; but it's almost like he was in a rush to get home to a significant other so they don't suspect anything. I did some digging on Instagram and found out indeed he has been with a woman for awhile; and they live together too...same as my guy and I.

I decided this is wrong and ignore him the next day at work. FYI, nothing happened on our first outing; we just hugged and that was it. So no intimacy, though obviously this is still wrong.

So I ignored him for a day; but he knows how to get to me. He came up to me, making eye contact and said "so what my charm wore off already?" And I just responded with "I guess so"...he walked away.

I felt bad after the fact and I couldn't help myself so I ended up texting him that night and said "your charm didn't wear off on me, but I didn't realize you have a girlfriend". His response was "I am sorry to dissapoint, but don't you have a boyfriend?"....so then I just asked if he really thinks us hanging out will stay innocent and if it doesn't (Which it won't) if he will be ok with it. He texted me back that yes he would.

We hung out a second time, super connection again. We kissed. I even recall saying how much fun I am having and how my relationship of 4 years bores me to death. Again, so wrong. Obviously we are missing something in our relationships or we wouldn't be doing this.

I am at a loss on what to do, I cannot stop thinking about him. His eyes and his smile, melt me. I am insane over him. He makes me feel something I haven't felt in so long. It's not deep in enough to leave current relationship, but what if it gets there. What if I fall for him and he decides this is wrong etc....

Has anyone been in this situation before? Please don't judge, I know this is wrong like I said.
 IL_Capitano
Joined: 11/23/2012
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 7:05:31 PM
Are you my ex wife?

 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 3
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 7:10:08 PM
Mixedmisty...you mentioned in your earlier posts your boyfriend will not go down on you and leaves you unfulfilled. If you are still feeling wholeheartedly dissatisfied with your man, perhaps now is the time to cut the strings and move on.
 Mixedmisty
Joined: 7/29/2011
Msg: 4
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 7:13:40 PM
Yes that's still an issue as well Eric.

I am unsatisfied in a lot of ways. My pondering though; do men creep outside of relationships if they are fully happy? I asked my coworker what he is missing in his relationship and he just said that's a long answer and there are pros and cons to every relationship. So has me wondering if he is doing it just for an ego boost and excitement or if he is truly missing something...which might be excitement for all I know.
 LLove2LaughToo
Joined: 10/8/2015
Msg: 5
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 7:21:23 PM
Put yourself in your partner's shoes, how would you feel if you find out he is attracted/hanging out with another woman? If the relationship is not working, and obviously is not, the right thing to do is be honest with your current partner and move on.
 SunKist_Gal
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 6
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 7:23:09 PM
Holy...OP.
By your posting history it seems you are wanting to cheat with anybody that comes along.
You really need to let go of the guy you live with and stringing along....if that part is even true.
Last year you were on about another guy.
You're obviously, not happy and looking.
Leave before you cheat..
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 7
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 7:28:29 PM
Mixedmisty...my assessment is that you are walking a precarious tightrope here.
From what you have shared, the conventional wisdom would be to break-up with your current boyfriend either way.

You can make the decision about what to do with this new man unencumbered.
Keep in mind he must clarify with his partner and halt interacting with you, except in a professional work manner.

You are in a difficult spot.
Decisions will clearly need to be made in short order. Good luck.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 8
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History
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 8:09:48 PM
You need to communicate to your current boyfriend the grievances that you have with the relationship. This is something that's usually mediated by a counselor, but you can take it upon yourself to explain (in a tactful way) what he could do to help bring you both closer. As time moves forward in a relationship its helpful to remember how it felt to be with that person initially.

The reason it's important to identify that feeling, is because novelty can often give us the wrong impression of someone new who sparks our interest. It's natural for the prospect of a different relationship to be exciting, but the question you have to ask is - what do I have to lose? What would it be like to be with this person four years from now? And, have I made an attempt to identify, communicate, and resolve the issues that make me dissatisfied in my current relationship?

What you need to do right now, is be honest with how you feel in your current relationship. And if your boyfriend isn't willing to appreciate the grievances you have with genuine concern and be willing to come to a resolution. And as long as you're reasonable in your requests, and not aggressive in how you communicate those grievances, your relationship will become stronger. If your boyfriend shuts down or otherwise acts emotionally volatile, and is unwilling to understand your intentions, then it's probably time to move on.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 9
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 8:12:07 PM
Or she can dump the guy and move on.

The poster is 30. There's no point wasting time if she's fantasizing about this other guy. After 4 years and it's not working, just hanging in there isn't doing either of them any favours.
 crabdipper
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 10
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/16/2015 10:26:33 PM
If you're not happy you need to move on, but don't count on the new guy at work. These situations rarely work out. Most likely, "trust", will become a serious problem. From what you stated you don't see it coming, but trust me, you won't trust him down the road. You have both proven, to each other, you are willing to cheat.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 11
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 12:38:33 AM
So you are cheating and you find it astonishing that the person who is helping you cheat is using you to cheat.

Cheaters never prosper.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 12
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History
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 1:53:28 AM
The right thing to do is to move on from your boyfriend of four years but if financial reasons are what are keeping you together I guess it is hard. You are not happy and regardless of whether it ever works out with the guy at work, you should be cutting ties and be really free. The guy however is not likely to leave his girlfriend for you I am feeling . He probably wants you both. Are children involved in all this??? I think you are enjoying being the bad girl and the illicitness and danger of the potential situation. You may find that he is not so attractive after a while if you are free.
 hearton64
Joined: 11/2/2015
Msg: 13
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 2:24:12 AM

I am unsatisfied in a lot of ways. My pondering though; do men creep outside of relationships if they are fully happy? I asked my coworker what he is missing in his relationship and he just said that's a long answer and there are pros and cons to every relationship. So has me wondering if he is doing it just for an ego boost and excitement or if he is truly missing something...which might be excitement for all I know.


I'd say do NOT leave your relationship over this guy.
Of course some men can easily compartmentalize
love and sex and do cheat for the ego boost and excitement
with zero intention of leaving, let alone being honest with either woman.

You aren't happy?

Leave your boyfriend then.

Be smart and don't have an exit affair hoping this other
guy will follow suit!

If they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you, the old addage goes.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
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History
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 7:11:06 AM
It is wrong and you already know it.
You've already crossed the line and and you are too scared or lazy to walk away, so be an adult and tell your 4 year relationship guy that it is over. This is no longer harmless flirting, you have technically started dating someone else.
Be smart before a co-worker tells your man that you are cheating. Everyone around you knows something is going on.
It happens, relationships end and new people enter our lives. You may have no future with your co-worker, but you do know for a fact that you no longer love your BF so you have to leave him.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 15
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 7:26:37 AM

I asked my coworker what he is missing in his relationship and he just said that's a long answer and there are pros and cons to every relationship.


If he's avoiding answering the question, doesn't that tell you something? If he says it's a long answer/long story, tell him you have the time to hear his explanation (excuses).
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 16
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 9:14:05 AM
a sister of a friend of mine, has a house filled with stuff from QVC. She loves to get shiny new things, until she's used to them, and then she wants something else shiny and new. There might be something in common with what you are doing and "retail therapy", but the difference is, things don't have feelings.

Figure out what turns you on about this relationship. is it the thrill of being desired? of a new relationship where you don't know the down sides yet, so everything has the potential of being good? does it make the workplace less boring?

then figure out why you are with your guy. stability? familiarity? security?

when you have these figured out...decide if you can get your guy to provide what you seek in your new potential relationship. A guy cheating on his gf with you, likely is going to cheat on you in the future (why shouldn't he? he's getting away with it so far, and he's got a great excuse, that you are just as bad as he is).
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 17
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History
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 9:21:00 AM
You are looking for someone to be with, before you dump your boyfriend. And yet you don't want anyone here to tell you what they think of that. And your coy, I'm a bad person thingie, not cute at all.

Why would you post this here if all don't want to hear about what it is you and your cheating co-worker are doing to others?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 18
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 10:33:14 AM

I've been a bad bad girl...and I know it; and I am not proud of it. I am very confused and stuck on what to do. Please don't pass judgment I KNOW I am wrong and being far from a good person.


Now turn that statement around and ask yourself, if it was your boyfriend who was thinking of cheating with a co-worker, would you pass judgment, even if he says he knows it's wrong and he's being a bad boy? Wasn't your boyfriend just as attractive and charming and as fun when you first met him, as this new guy appears to be at the moment? Otherwise, why else would you two move in together? You would be hard pressed to find anyone who would honestly say that after four years of being together with someone, it's just as exciting now as it was when meeting for the first time. The drudgery of day-to-day life eventually takes the lustre out of the initial excitement and thrills-just like a kid who is thrilled to get a new toy, but loses interest after a while because it's not shiny and new anymore..

Add in the fact that the guy is a co-worker and sits close to you-that's a recipe for disaster. What happens if you lose what you have and the affair doesn't work out, or if the guy is just after quick and easy sex? It doesn't sound like the guy has any intention of dumping his girlfriend. Would you be happy being the secret mistress, spending holidays and other special days by yourself, so that he can spend them with his live-in girlfriend, to hide the affair? If you're doing this with a co-worker, it would be almost impossible to keep it a secret from the other co-workers-especially if two start having arguments that carry into the workplace. Aren't you concerned how it would effect your job, as well as your life outside of work? I guess not, since you already implied that you're going ahead with it.
 hearton64
Joined: 11/2/2015
Msg: 19
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 10:51:36 AM
This is the right forum for you.

http://gloryb.com/

Don't have sex with him!

There will be no going back and
no going forward as he wont leave his gf.

Guys like this want their cake and to eat it too!

http://gloryb.com/articles/cakeman.html

End your relationship.
Then look for someone single!!!

Good luck!
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 20
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/17/2015 9:06:34 PM

I've been a bad bad girl...and I know it; and I am not proud of it. I am very confused and stuck on what to do. Please don't pass judgment I KNOW I am wrong and being far from a good person.


well, OP? The fact you say you know you are a bad, bad girl and know it... the fact you say you are not proud of it and are wrong and far from being a good person?

You say those things and then say you are confused? You don't sound confused at all to me. You sound extremely clear. so if you know you are abad bad girl, worry about judgment, say you are not proud of it and are wrong and are far from being a good person?

What about that is confused at all? It sounds to me like you know better than anyone else what the right thing to do is. So why ask the question, when you are already giving people the answer while telling them to go easy on you in the giving of it?

I think you are crystal; but are looking for someone to give you a pass because you "have feelings". Feelings or no feelings, nothing happens without a choice; and you already know the choice is not only wrong; but also a recipe for disaster in work environment.

What about any of your scenario has any semblance of acceptability?

So answer your own question, as if you were being asked it for a stranger, from the point of view of an impartial observer. What would you say to them?

Then look in the mirror and make your choice, knowing you are OWNING your choice. And also disrupting the lives of two other innocent significant others (your own and your coworkers) who would be devastated by your part in the choice. (those people who say they did not mean to hurt anyone and they did not mean to go there? That's kind of baloney; it is a series of deliberate choices that walk people into a clusterf***... that blows up in everyone's faces.

You do that? You do it deliberately. And you have to look yourself in the mirror. I'd ditch your boyfriend and be by yourself for a while if I were you; and figure out who you actually are and what you want... unless you want to be the person you seem almost proud to say you are.

With respect? Wake up and smell the coffee... once you open that pandora's box? it will affect four people's personal lives AND your work environment... and open karma on you to be cheated on; because if it's ok for you; it will be ok for those you come across as well who you trust.

Best of luck
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 21
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History
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/18/2015 2:25:21 AM
Why can't you just enjoy his company at work without taking it further? Every opposite gender friendship does not need to evolve into a sexual one.
You know this isn't going to end well. Him evading your question tells me he has no desire to end his current relationship If you continue this you're going to be upset about his current girlfriend.
This is going to cause problems at work, he sits right next to you? That'll be awkward when it ends or you're fighting.
You need to either end your current relationship or fix it.
 MentalGiant58
Joined: 11/6/2015
Msg: 22
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/18/2015 2:30:32 AM
Be careful OP.

Karma's a b!tch
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/18/2015 8:34:51 AM

And you have to look yourself in the mirror.


I don't tell people to look at themselves in a mirror, because what they see in the mirror and what other people see are usually two different things. People who look at themselves in the mirror only see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe, and it reinforces their opinion that they are right and everybody else is wrong.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 24
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/18/2015 9:30:03 AM

I don't tell people to look at themselves in a mirror, because what they see in the mirror and what other people see are usually two different things. People who look at themselves in the mirror only see what they want to see and believe what they want to believe, and it reinforces their opinion that they are right and everybody else is wrong.


you are correct in that I guess. It is amazing what people can talk themselves into believing.

I had a guy who introduced himself as divorced, free, available and wanting a relationship, pushed to date, pushed for exclusive, pushed for romantic, dated for two MONTHS, said no less than a dozen times when asked point blank that he was fully divorced and free and even started saying the L word...

then finally when I said I wouldn't keep going out with him until he told me what it was that kept throwing up so many red flags, he admitted he was not only not divorced, he hadn't moved out AND had not told her they were divorcing yet.

And then said he did not "mean" for it to go where it did; it took him by surprise.


Seriously?
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 25
Crush on a co worker
Posted: 11/18/2015 11:11:20 AM
You are in pretty dangerous territory....... what guarantee do you have that your co-worker would leave the other woman? What guarantee do you have that it would go anywhere? What guarantee do you have that you won't get caught? That he won't get caught?

You are playing a game of Russian roulette of the heart, and stand the chance of being burned badly, the chance of heartache and pain, and gambler's usually loose the game you are playing - your odds of winning are poor. You might want to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Frankly my dear, I think it's crazy.
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