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 normnick
Joined: 10/21/2015
Msg: 1
Is it too late? SuggestionsPage 1 of 1    
9 1/2 years ago I met a lady and we fell in love. 9 years ago and 6 me months into our relationship I had a life changing event which put me in a dark place. I felt it wasn't fair to her to be in a romantic relationship with her where I was unable to love her the way she deserved and told her I could only be friends. This lady stuck with me and supported me as a friend while at the same time tried to be more for several years.

About 6 months ago I started to feeling much better after resolving the very thing that put me in that dark place and now I'm ready to move forward in my life and put the past in my past. I have made major gains moving forward. The only thing missing is her.

I guess my problem is, during the last 9 years I've probably not been the best friend to the lady I fell in love with. I drank as a way of coping with my issues, pushed her away her away from any of her romantic advances and she still stuck it out with me. Her advances slowly and eventually stopped completely and we stayed friends.

These last few months I've made major changes and now I would like commit to a romantic relationship with this lady. I love and respect her more than ever before but I believe I blew it. While she was there to support me I haven't exactly always been there for her and this has taken a toll on her self esteem and now cannot commit to me. When I make advances towards her ( kiss cuddling sexual ) sometimes she's on board but most often is not.

She is often moody toward me and looking for a way to end all. I am so sincerely sorry for what I put this lady through and want to make it up to her. Be the man she fell in love with but I feel it might be too late and it's all my fault.

I want to spend the rest of my life with this lady and treat her the way she so deserves...... Is it too late? Suggestions?
 Whatsamatterbaby
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 2
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 6:43:36 AM
You kind of remind me of my ex. In his case it's too late. I've been incredibly clear with him on this. If you don't mind my asking, have you asked the lady of whom you speak if there is a chance?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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History
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 6:53:41 AM
You're asking the wrong question.

"Too late," is for things that stay the same as time goes by. Like buses at a bus stop.

The problem you have to deal with, is that what happened between you has changed you both. It has changed how you think of her, and how she thinks of you. None of that can be reset, no matter how contrite you think you really are.

All that we can ever have, is what exists right now. That's what you need to attend to. Yes, it's too late to live out your CURRENT DAY fantasy of how wonderful things WOULD HAVE BEEN, had you not done as you did. If all you do now, is pine for what might have been, you'll miss out on what you have now, as well.
 LoveEverafter1
Joined: 11/11/2015
Msg: 4
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 7:10:38 AM
Sit her down and show her this post-or read her everything you wrote in this post. Just talk. You rejected her for many years in her mind and though it may be too late-don't jump the gun and just assume it's too late. I love it when men make a mistake and then 'fight' to get you back. It shows a lot to the women. Just don't overdue it. If she doesn't show interest after you spill your heart out, then walk away and never look back. Life is too short to waste.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 5
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Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 7:28:25 AM
Not sure what you resolved, but 6 months is a very short period of time to heal almost 10 years of dysfunction. Any 12 step program counselor would tell you that you are only at the very beginning of your transformation process.

Your better future may not include her and you have to accept this. She's had 10 years of friends and family wondering why she was putting up with your antics. I loved my ex husband very much, but there came a time where I had to stop being his cheerleader and personal therapist and start living a life that made me happy. I was too mentally exhausted to see if he had really changed, I'd already heard his promises for almost two decades.
You need to speak with her and explain your new resolve, but only time will prove to her if you are being truthful or just blowing smoke. After a decade, she has earned the right to be free from your drama and the pain it caused her. How many more years do you want her to dedicate herself to your journey???
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 6
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 8:07:01 AM

I want to spend the rest of my life with this lady and treat her the way she so deserves......


Then treat her that way starting now and on those times when she seems to withdraw from you, remember the last nine years and respect her withdrawal without sulking or saying snarky words.

Take nine years to prove to her that you've changed.
 crabdipper
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 7
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 9:02:31 AM
Your chances are pretty slim and I think you know that. The only thing you can do is be your new self. Don't try to convince her you have changed through words. Show her. This will take quite some time, probably years. Forgiving is possible. Forgetting, in this case, isn't.

You know you were wrong. The decision is up to her and, either way, you have to respect that. I wouldn't count on this working out in your favor.
 SunKist_Gal
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 8
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 9:27:20 AM
I would think with most women, your odds would be slim to none.
Without knowing all the pertinent details or who you two are....would just be a stab in the dark for any of us.
Some men and women hang on to the old relationships because they remember what was and it's difficult to start anew with someone that has no idea "who/what" you are.

It's hard to break ties with an old "love" interest because you have that knowing that you were once accepted and loved by them.
It's a scary world as we age to date and have people see how worthy we are despite our flaws.
It sounds like you are the "too little...too late" guy to her....she gave you all she had and you didn't recognize it.
Even a poor dog will give up if it gets kicked every time he comes for a pet..:(

Your best chance is to lay it on the line with her...no pride and ask if she is open to one more try.
Accept her answer and move on.
Good Luck!
 Brisco414
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 9
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 9:52:19 AM
Normnick ...Talk to this woman and tell her how you feel. That is the only way you will get your answer.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 10
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 2:04:56 PM
This is confusing without knowing more details about what the original issue was and the recovery process. It's like going to a doctor and saying "Doc. I'm in pain, but I won't tell you where the pain is. What should I do?" But there are some issues that are clear without all of those details.

First of all. you two started out as boyfriend/girlfriend, and then 9 years ago, you friend zoned her. And now, you want to release her out of the friend zone and go back to the way it was before when you two first met 9+ years ago. The walls in the friend zone are very high, and it's almost impossible to pole vault back and forth from one side to the other, and you want her to say: "OK. We're no longer only just friends." Most people won't jump from zone to zone-especially after so long. If you felt all along that she's The One, why couldn't you have maintained the relationship while having her help you through whatever it was you went through, since she was there for you anyway? Isn't that what partners are suppose to do-help each other through thick and thin?

I don't blame her for hesitating. If you went through whatever for nine years and your recovery has only been for the last 6 months, she doesn't know for sure if you'll ever have a relapse, and where that would place her if you do. All you can do is tell her you want to take her out of the friend zone, and the rest is up to her.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 11
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 2:34:16 PM
Normnick- When people ask for advice, I try as best I can to look at BOTH sides, even though we are getting only one.
Whatever it was that happened to you must have been awful.
You turned to alcohol to cope and pushed this woman away.
I KNOW you did not do this to hurt her, YOU were hurting SO much, you weren't capable of thinking of her.
You worked through it, on your own and now are ready to give her the love she wanted, but the shoe is on the other foot and now SHE wants friendship.
This is a human being that HAD to respect your wishes and through it all, remained your friend.
She HAD to accept that you wanted friendship, because that IS what you wanted, to save HER sanity.
It's not that she doesn't believe that you care for her, or that you can't change, all she knows is she HAS changed.
It is not a matter of forgiving you, at this point, she has to deal with the way SHE feels, right now.
She can't reverse her feelings, simply because YOU feel differently.
Have a talk with her, tell her how you feel, but accept what she says in return.
If you haven't gone to therapy, or joined an AA support group, PLEASE do.
No matter how this goes, your sobriety is very important.
Whether she says yes or no, that's STILL the case.
 SunKist_Gal
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 12
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 2:39:29 PM

Whatever it was that happened to you must have been awful.
You turned to alcohol to cope and pushed this woman away.

Did I miss something...did he say this? I'll go back and read his opening post again.
Ooops...he did!! Sorry....
K....is he sober now? He definitely says he drinks on his profile....;-)
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 13
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History
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 4:02:06 PM
All I an assume is that the lady in question is free and has not really moved on??. You may have a chance but she may no longer really fancy you and nine years is a long time to muck around. Alcoholics are always alcoholics and if you are one, you should not be drinking at all. I would be keeping a wide berth myself.
 Aprilikeswhiteroses
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 14
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 5:34:41 PM

Is it too late?


Mr. normnick, the "naked" truth is:

YES, it IS to late.!!

We can't change the past, we all have a past which we regret, we made/make mistakes because we are not perfect and that's life, what we have to do is to learn from them, to live the present and to go forward, you must believe that all things in life happen for a reason.

It is too late, because she can't delete 9 years of (love)suffering, and going by your post, It seems like she is trying but can't.


here, read what you wrote again:.........When I make advances towards her ( kiss cuddling sexual ) sometimes she's on board but most often is not........She is often moody toward me and looking for a way to end all.



Suggestions


Be there like a friend as always, but do not try to press any other thing, at the end Is not going to work.
Do not ruin that friendship too, because that is the ONLY thing you both have right now....again,
DO NOT RUIN THE FRIENDSHIP TOO.!!

Good luck to both of you.!!
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 15
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 11/21/2015 5:45:30 PM
Accept her friendship now and don't dwell on what could have been. Move on. We all know many people but have fewer friends.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 16
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 12/10/2015 7:54:51 AM
Sorry to hear you went through a rough patch.

Once her love level drops past the point of no return, as this one's obviously has, it will never come back. Because you pushed her away so many times and for so long, you killed her love for you. This is not the fantasy world of Tv and movies. You get one chance per lady, per lifetime.

There are plenty of other ladies though, plenty of fish in the sea. All you can do is find a new partner and start over.
 ShowboatSupreme
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 17
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 12/10/2015 8:33:00 AM

Somewhere in the distance I hear the bells ring
Darkness settles on the town as the children start to sing
The lady 'cross the street she shuts out the night
There's a cast of thousands waiting as she turns out the light

But it's too late, too late, too late
Too late for love
Yes it's too late too late, too late
Too late for love
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 18
Is it too late? Suggestions
Posted: 12/10/2015 8:43:15 AM
And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though you really did try to make it
Something inside has died and you can't hide
And you just can't fake it
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