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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?      Home login  
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 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 1
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Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'm starting to get the impression that that I'm beyond help, and not in the sense that I don't know right from wrong, or etiquette from belligerence. But just too far gone in the sense that I don't want to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

I can't simply appease whatever sense of comfort a person might have in order to keep the harmony in check. And it's not even like I call people out on their bullsh!t , I mean I do if they're narcissistic or into douchebaggery.

I dont know, I guess conformity is key to a certain extent. I'm finding it hard to strike a balance between being myself, and connecting with people for the sake of it.

So the question is, where do we draw the line in terms of meeting a person half-way versus meeting a person's needs by abandoning either own or who we feel we naturally are?

Because I've been down both roads in relationships:

One where I wasn't accepted for who I was, (so I confirmed) but was genuinely appreciated.

And another relationship where I was accepted for who I was, but was generally unappreciated.

And that isn't to say the latter part has anything to do with the former.

The important thing to note, was that I was much happier in the second relationship, even though I wasn't appreciated, and that's because I was accepted.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 2
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 2:12:36 AM
not wanting to pretend to be someone you're not just to keep the peace in a relationship is not something a person should do. You do that, you will start to resent it and resent them; and even though you might be temporarily "making them happy" it is at the cost of your owning your own voice. They are not in a relationship with you... they are in a relationship with themselves; since you are being what they need you to be.

Finding someone who accepts you and likes you because of it; not in spite of it; where you can be validated; supportive AND heard and understood as well?

That is the very best kind of relationship.

Trying to be a human trill (in Star Trek speak; it's an alien woman who takes on the form, loves, passions and entire life of the person she's promised to; to become their everything; where anything individual of her is completely lost in the joining), is not healthy, respectful or fulfilling.

Anyone who demands that of someone? is not someone you should want to be with. Find someone who appreciates, accepts AND respects you. And make sure you do teh same for them. That is the only way it will work where you stay yourself; and can give (and receive) of the best part of yourself.
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 3
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 2:36:30 AM
Being accepted is an arrangement based on the terms of the accepting party.

Please don't derive long-term satisfaction from that.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 4
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 8:14:08 AM

I dont know, I guess conformity is key to a certain extent. I'm finding it hard to strike a balance between being myself, and connecting with people for the sake of it.


The problem with this line of thinking is that we become so entrenched into what we believe that we are, that we let only our arrogance define us. This can be very dangerous and venomous, because we always then think that we are the right ones and it's the others that are wrong.

To start with, you want to be appreciated not who you are. That means that you present yourself to others as honestly as you possibly can. That means at face value, they know what they are getting into. But from there on, realize that relationships are about balances but also about win win situations. So if you have to fight to get your way. You lose, even when you win. If you get your way, simply because your partner also likes it that way, you both win.

I was in one relationship that no matter what I gave, it was never enough, there were always complaints, and in the end I felt used. I had to work so hard to get a sense of love. Move several years and relationships later and I am in a relationship that what I give is not only appreciated, but cherished, so you give more and more. And the more you give, the more they give and go out of their way for you. I feel appreciated, I feel loved.

So be who you are, and be accepted without having to impose that into others.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 5
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 11:07:09 AM
I suppose the guideline is, "don't offend others, and don't be disrespected". Sounds like something taught in first grade, right? Or as a mother might say, "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything." Unless of course you're asked for your opinion of someone's BS. Its been said, "better to be silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt", but for most observers, a silent person is a golden person. They might get ignored b/c they keep their own counsel, but if that means they don't participate in a BS discussion, then mission accomplished.

sometimes, its best to be quiet. that can actually leave an impression on someone. I always remember a belligerent lad back at university who put everyone he met into two catagories--friend or food. either you were impressed, or you were too scared to get in his way. Fine, I made a third category...and he confessed to the woman who introduced us initially, that there was "Something" about me that unnerved him. So he gave me no trouble, even though he outweighed me by more than 100 lbs. The "something" of course was I was smart enough to keep up with his discussions about how Texas wasn't historically a state and different forms of martial arts and the like, but I was never impressed nor worried. just a listening statue, so he couldn't categorize me.

anyway, that's one example of interacting with someone who isn't "average". Sometimes being tabula rosa means others paint upon you an idea of what they want you to be. "Strong and silent" can work well on some people who fail at keepin' it real.

we meet people half way, when they have something real to offer. those who only offer a bit of attention, may not be worth the travel halfway across that bridge. Respect only the ones who respect you.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 6
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Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 3:33:26 PM
Incompatible? I can't name a time when I was compatible.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 7
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Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 4:10:04 PM
Yeah, funny you should mention that. I recently ran into a problem where I just did my best to avoid a conflict till it became too personal and then I responded with verbal aggression, this ended up costing me even though I wasn't the inital aggressor. Following that some time later I ran into the same problem with another person, in a different place/time , and I spoke my mind about the person when given a opportunity, and that person became overly defensive and hated me. Not that it mattered, he didn't respect anyone anyway.

Now when you're dealing with drug offenders who've done hard time and served in the military, it's difficult to strike a balance between observing a parameter of rules, and absolving the perception of weakness that silent obedience yields when forced to deal with aggressive behavior.

I'd say there is no good way to neutralize aggressive stupidity, or stupid aggression, and depending on the rules... the tactics can change dramatically.

What I learned recently, was that I was the only person who stood up to the aggressive and potentially violent nature of an unstable resident. I was the only one who called him on his behavior, and this includes the staff who didn't even want to incur his wraith. I didn't want to confront the guy, but ignoring the issue didn't work out well the last time. So I confronted him, it solved nothing, but kind of rallied silent respect from everyone else.

Nobody was willing to side with me in the moment, but they all agreed with me when the aggressive resident was out of earshot. I'm not patting myself on the back either, the whole experience was frustrating and potentially dangerous.

And I guess that's what I'm talking about, I don't even have a choice in whether or not to engage stuff like this. It's how and when I engage it. Because if I'm around it, I have to do something, and I really dont have a choice.
 Whatsamatterbaby
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 8
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 5:57:41 PM

Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?


See, the problem here is the word "feel". I can look at my situation realistically, being in a healthy state of mind, and go "Well Matterbaby, likely your days of dating are behind you. It was good." You, on the other hand, are young and intelligent and, I'm thinking maybe not in the healthiest frame of mind? It's affecting your outlook. When you feel better, I believe the world will be your oyster.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 9
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 6:47:12 PM
yeah, there is a difference between putting up with nonsense from a person you can walk away from, and getting gaslighted by a coworker or having to deal with someone inside an institution. You can't walk away from them. But, its human nature for us to use other humans as a mirror to judge ourself by. If a resident is acting abnormal and no one challenges him, its easy to eventually question if what the resident is doing is actually normal, based on everyone else's inability to react.

reminds me of a fellow I knew living with a crazy roommate in NYC. The first fellow would call me nearly every week, tell me what the rich crazy roomie was doing or failing to react to, and then ask me, "does that sound like normal behavior to you?" The first guy knew what normal behavior was, but being around this guy for so long (Due to economic reasons, the crazy dude was smart enough to lower the rent he was charging in order to have a "Whipping boy" of sorts), he began to question whether or not he really saw things as they were.

maybe, just maybe, that resident will act out again, and people will look to you to lead. How much they may back you up is, as you guess, predicatable--they'll go as far as their ass can be covered.
 JujuO12
Joined: 8/18/2015
Msg: 10
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 8:07:03 PM

One where I wasn't accepted for who I was, (so I confirmed) but was genuinely appreciated.

How does that work?



I dont know, I guess conformity is key to a certain extent. I'm finding it hard to strike a balance between being myself, and connecting with people for the sake of it.


I have felt this way my entire life. I was always different. I have a very hard time hiding it... As I have gotten older I don't really feel a need to try. Do you really want to connect with people who can not accept you? I know people say there is a benefit to it but I am not sure what that benefit is. What is the benefit to conforming to the ideas and ideals of the masses?

What is the very worse thing that could happen? YOU are single? You can be extremely lonely in a crowd full of people while not alone at all when you are in a room alone. YOU must decided which is more important you being accepted by others (which usually means behaving in a way contrary to who you truly are) OR self acceptance which puts you in the site of the people who do not like that. AND I promise you the majority do not like that.

In the end you have to look at you in the mirror NO one else. To thy own self be true.

PS.
You don't have to call everyone on their bull$hit.. Sometimes you will find it best to limit your contact with them.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 11
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 8:13:10 PM

What I learned recently, was that I was the only person who stood up to the aggressive and potentially violent nature of an unstable resident. I was the only one who called him on his behavior, and this includes the staff who didn't even want to incur his wraith. I didn't want to confront the guy, but ignoring the issue didn't work out well the last time. So I confronted him, it solved nothing, but kind of rallied silent respect from everyone else.


In general, people are afraid of aggression and people don't like to or know how to lead.
Most of the time, they won't have your six either.
You do have choices, they just may be a choices you're not going to any of the outcomes.
But, with all your choices, you should (in my opinion) take the choice that most closely represents what you consider your best self to be. It kind of makes regrets easier to deal with.
Have you tried aikido mindset in social situations such as this?

I think a certain amount of conformity to social structures is important such as give and take in conversation and relationships, politeness and listening being the oil that keeps everything from jamming into an angry traffic jam of human emotions. I'm sure others can explain it better than me. *looks around hopefully*


So the question is, where do we draw the line in terms of meeting a person half-way versus meeting a person's needs by abandoning either own or who we feel we naturally are?

If it requires abandoning who we are to meet another person's needs, then I think that's far more than 'half-way'. As much as we may want to, we can't become someone other than who we are.


The important thing to note, was that I was much happier in the second relationship, even though I wasn't appreciated, and that's because I was accepted.

So you know what you need.

For the most part, I like your forum persona and appreciate what you contribute to it - which I consider pretty close to your 'authentic' self.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 12
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Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 8:18:07 PM
tangofish

I was about your age when I decided I would be myself and let the chips fall where they may. There is no point in being someone else as you don't have a true sense of intimacy or being known by the other person. It also skews the psyche. Have the courage to be who you are, to give only what you can give and are willing to give and not just to curry favour and be accepted. You will be happier once you can do that, in the long run.

Ironically women will respect you more and fancy you probably. The "bad boys" as they say, have appeal because they don't give a rats about what anyone thinks of them and are not being the doormat to please a woman. That is the key to their attraction for women in some manner.

If a woman does not accept or appreciate you, move on. There are worse things than being single.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 13
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Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 9:31:47 PM
Yeah, I dont know, something snapped in my mind... and I lost count how many times that's actually happened. I know I need to find some sort of equalibrium, I need to find myself, I'm out in some deep waters, and I'm adrift.

I don't know how to pull myself together, I'm the guy who sits in a room full of people and is completely alone. I've always felt that way, and I've only had experiences that purveyed that feeling. At first it was a mind numbing fear, followed by affirmations that I was a failure. This made it difficult to grow up as anything other than awkward. Alienation from extended family on both sides, wasn't able to gain a semblance of acceptance. Not from family, not from the few friends I had, not from myself.

And so my life became this non-stop scrolling screen of just being alone and rejected. And the end result is that I snapped...... I snapped, and I snapped, and then I snapped again. And as a result I ended up immersing myself in custom versions of hell to escape the hell that was made for me. And ultimately what ended up happening was that I developed this immunity to fear, through a general distaste for life, I've lost count on just how many times I've welcomed death.

And I dont know, I'm too far gone, and I don't see a way back. And it's not that I can't communicate, its that I can't connect, its that I feel alone no matter where I go, or what I do, and it's so bad that not even drugs or alcohol can relieve the nul feeling. And the best part is that one person was able to break that barrier to my heart and make me feel connected... but she obliterated my heart, and once again my will to live was in jeopardy to the point that food made me nauseous.

Heh, I mean you know its bad when the physiological response to sustaining life turns on you.

I don't know why her, she didn't really accept me anyway to be honest, but for some reason I felt connected with her. I felt at home with her and I had never felt at home in this world outside of being with her. And you know, it isn't better to have loved.

And I mean its so absurd, just like everything else I've been through. How absurd to develop feelings for someone like that, someone you were never even really attracted to in the first place. Someone who lied constantly, and burnt you at every turn. I mean how does that even happen? I know myself well enough to know I dont want that in my life, and that's enough for me to move on. But I can't deny the feeling of connectedness I got from her - and it makes no sense, from every logical perspective I could evaluate. I have no idea how she was able to break through to me.

Oh well, too far gone.
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 14
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Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 9:41:18 PM
I have aged out. I don't really try anymore. The last person I talked to screamed loudly at me in two long consecutive messages that followed our conversation. OK, it had had a rough spot or two, but I didn't think it had gone *that* badly.

I think often of deleting my currently hidden profile. However, the threat is stronger than the execution.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 15
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/23/2015 9:44:13 PM
^^^If it's hidden why delete it? It's not like you have to feed it. Let it be.
 StumbledN
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 16
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 12:31:26 AM

^^^If it's hidden why delete it? It's not like you have to feed it

^^^ what she said.^^^
I gave up and deleted mine for a year or two, and when I came back (for the forums) somebody had run off with my screen name. And besides that, from what I'm told, profiles can no longer be hidden. I guess you must be grandfathered in. I'm still able to hide in plain sight (by keeping my photos private) but, if I give up on the forums and decide to leave again for a couple of years, I'm thinkin' I'll keep my options open.
 JujuO12
Joined: 8/18/2015
Msg: 17
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 4:51:24 AM
When I went to delete my profile POF suggested I hide my profile and you are now telling me that isnt really a feature?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 18
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Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 7:06:00 AM
You speak for many of us. In that room of people there are many others feeling exactly the same way. And we have all had that person in our life that we know is wrong for us and we know they are not compatible but for some crazy reason we pursue anyway, because they are stuck in our head.
You're not alone. Life is absurd, it is neither logical or predictable. Is is possible to review your past 'mistakes' as pathetic but humorous attempts to hook up with the wrong girl?

You're bright, funny and quirky. You deserve to be out of that dark place and find happiness. You are not too far gone.
 StumbledN
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 19
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 9:10:14 AM

POF suggested I hide my profile and you are now telling me that isnt really a feature?

I may have to eat my words on this. But that's what I was told by a friend of mine who's profile is hidden but she wanted to cancel. She decided against canceling because she found out she would lose that feature if/when she signed up again. I'll get in touch with her and find out where she got that information and when. Meanwhile, I just tried to hide my profile and it works (I think). At least the button I clicked changed from "Click here to hide profile" to "Click here to unhide profile". So, for now, I hereby retract what I said in Msg # 17. Best way to find out for yourself though is to try hiding it and then see if you show up in any searches. I didn't check it out to that extent.
 SunKist_Gal
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 20
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 9:41:25 AM
It works.....I have had mine hidden for the most part of this year. Mind you, anyone you have sent a message to, can still send a message or if anyone is on your "fave" list.....as far as I know.
My profile is relatively new.
I think the only difference is while hidden....it will not show in searches but if I know your username and do a search....it shows up!
Where it never use to be that way....

On topic...Not too far gone or incompatible but I like being alone too much and the longer I am...the more I don't want another in my life.
But you.....are far too young to give up on "love".....
Good Luck!
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 21
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 9:48:39 AM
Mine is hidden right now. I don't pay anything.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 9:54:56 AM
OP: It would help if you were to invest 25 cents into buying a comb.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 23
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 10:19:00 AM
Just an observation:

I've known "broken" people, who couldn't connect to the other people in their life. But when they described these people they couldn't connect to (family and hang out friends), those people seemed to be rather broken themselves. It made sense one couldn't connect to these broken people--those people weren't very considerate, weren't very compassionate, didn't have an orderly life to share with others, and seemed to only take an interest in people they could try to take something from. Like a drowning person climbing on top of their rescuer who got too close and got drowned themselves.

Ironically, the people who weren't broken, wouldn't take a risk on the broken people. wouldn't show them via example what it was like to be a supportive friend. So, the broken person was stuck with broken people. Except that the broken person might have actually wanted to change, while the broken people he or she hung out with kept being broken, b/c it "Worked" for them (they were enabled, used for their bodies, etc).

it does suck when the only food for your soul you find....treats you like a peanut allergy, or a gluten allergy.

I suspect the general solution to all this is to...find a way to love yourself. BE the person who loves you. Don't rely on others at this stage in life. Become your own life preserver. learn to like yourself, on the way to learning to love yourself. appreciate the things you can do, on the way to teaching yourself how to do the things you'd love to see yourself do in life and to others.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 24
Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 10:35:52 AM
You can not re-invent yourself for a relationship. If you try to fit the mold just to people please you will end up betraying who you really are. When it is over the only person you betray is yourself. Don't please people, please your own sensibilities and whomever or whatever you chose to call God.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 25
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Anyone else feel too far gone, or otherwise incompatible?
Posted: 11/24/2015 1:25:11 PM
Yeah it's not all bad actually, I accidentally double dosed myself with medication and went a little sideways. Sorry about that lol
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