Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection o      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You'll recall my last thread. I told my best male friend of 10 years that I have feelings for him via email. Sadly for me, he has a serious girlfriend he lives with and I realised it was too painful for me to continue the friendship while watching his relationship.

Quick background: during the time that we've been friends, he has expressed attraction and deep admiration, respect and love for me. We have lived apart for most of our lives and so nothing could have really happened. I told him that having had time to process my feelings for him more recently, I have realised that I have deeper feelings for him. In person, he treats me well, buys me lunch/drinks and I catch him checking me out.

Anyway, I saw his relationship with this woman progressing and panicked, thinking: what if he marries her? His response was really heartfelt, but a gentle rejection I think:

- He admitted he has been enduring an "emotionally traumatic" time for the past 1 1/2 years and if this had not been the case, he would have made more of an effort with me and wants to in the future.
- In response to my saying that I had been processing feelings for him - he said he had not yet had the opportunity to process HIS feelings because of his "personal situation".
- He told me he thinks that "Platonic" friendship is the most profound relationship there is. And that he doesn't want to lose me and wants to pick up where we left off in the future once he's resolved his emotional problems.
- He said he would give me the time I need to get over my "emotional confusion".

Do we think this was flat out rejection - or a case of bad timing? He also signed off with "This isn't the end of the friendship for us"and asked when he could talk to me/see me again which is a bit worrying. Although he is going to give me space.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 12:23:49 PM
It means that it's time to move on and cut ties with him, because you're not emotionally confused, you know what you want. He wants you in his life as a friend, but he doesn't understand how you can't just resolve to be friends.

If you continue down this path, the tunnel vision you have for this guy will cause you to miss the potential of the present moment. You will not be able to resolve your feelings as he hopes you will. And you will continue to further your relationship with a high magnitude of cognitive dissonance.

To reiterate, you've told him how you feel, now it's time to tell him goodbye.
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 3
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 12:31:01 PM
He expressed to you that he wants to remain platonic friends with you.
He expressed to you that he thinks your platonic friendship is very meaningful to him.
He expressed to you that he doesn't want to lose your platonic friendship.
He expressed to you that he would give you time to get over your "emotional confusion" - Translation: he wants you to get over your "romantic" feelings for him because they could jeopardize your platonic friendship with him, as well as his romantic relationship.
He expressed to you that he wants to distance himself from you, i.e. "give you space" until he has resolved his emotional issues.

Conclusion: He is rejecting you as a romantic interest, but wants to keep the platonic friendship going. I think if you were a really good friend to him, you'd back off and respect his relationship with this other woman. Don't see him, or contact him again. Sever all ties to him.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 12:31:20 PM

It means that it's time to move on and cut ties with him, because you're not emotionally confused, you know what you want. He wants you in his life as a friend, but he doesn't understand how you can't just resolve to be friends.

If you continue down this path, the tunnel vision you have for this guy will cause you to miss the potential of the present moment. You will not be able to resolve your feelings as he hopes you will. And you will continue to further your relationship with a high magnitude of cognitive dissonance.

To reiterate, you've told him how you feel, now it's time to tell him goodbye.


Thanks Tangofish! It was your post that really gave me the courage to tell him how I really felt in the first place...

I am in a bit of shock to be honest. My intuition is usually correct - and my intuition was telling me there was something between us. I feel really stupid and sad that he doesn't want to be with me. I mean, there are other attractive guys interested at the moment but he is my best friend and the one I wanted.

The fact he said he thinks our platonic friendship is the most "profound" connection there be is a cop out...but I suppose he's just trying to be nice. I do think he is unable to let go. He said he's trying to decide how long to leave it before getting back in touch, and I am going to contact him simply asking him not to. To leave it to me...
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 5
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 12:32:21 PM
Tango..(see message 2) ..I could not have put that better myself.......

but will add......there are times when 2 people of the opposite gender who are in a platonic friendship.....try to date each other later on.....more often than not......it ends in a pretty explosive manner....and I don't mean that in a positive way.

OP.......don't wait on him......move on with your life.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 12:33:19 PM

He expressed to you that he wants to remain platonic friends with you.
He expressed to you that he thinks your platonic friendship is very meaningful to him.
He expressed to you that he doesn't want to lose your platonic friendship.
He expressed to you that he would give you time to get over your "emotional confusion" - Translation: he wants you to get over your "romantic" feelings for him because they could jeopardize your platonic friendship with him, as well as his romantic relationship.
He expressed to you that he wants to distance himself from you, i.e. "give you space" until he has resolved his emotional issues.

Conclusion: He is rejecting you as a romantic interest, but wants to keep the platonic friendship going. I think if you were a really good friend to him, you'd back off and respect his relationship with this other woman.


Thanks halycon. I do feel like he was stringing me along a bit though. Telling me how beautiful I am, making sexual innuendos amongst other things. And now trying to deny it saying it was all platonic...

Of course, I told him that I was backing off completely. He is the one that wants to continue, although I think he will respect my decision ultimately. Just feel heartbroken at the moment.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 7
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 12:38:37 PM
^^^

Just feel heartbroken at the moment.


well....give yourself a few days to "walk past it".....sometimes our feelings and emotions get so strong it feels like the end of the world.

I had to end a friendship not too long ago and yes, I was upset and cried for a few days. But he, like your own friend, didn't want anything further than a friendship and I let it be known I was interested in more....he wasn't.....so I cut ties with him.

Lo and behold a couple months later - Thanksgiving Day to be exact, he tried to reach out....I just didn't respond to the correspondence because by this time, I was far enough down the proverbial road, I felt good about my choices and didn't want to "go back there" by reaching back out.....because I knew it would be the same old thing revisited.

Do yourself a favor and just block him. - from facebook, texting, emails, etc. do not answer any correspondence from him at this juncture.....you need to get your own footing and take care of yourself.
 Whatsamatterbaby
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 8
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 12:42:30 PM
I find unrequited love to be a very interesting phenomenon. It makes us see things that aren't there. I feel that maybe it's our way of protecting ourselves until we can handle the truth.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 1:00:26 PM
You're very welcome and I'm glad I was able to be of service. If you need support in the future feel free to PM me. We're both dealing with a similar struggle of having to let go of something we had our hearts invested in.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 1:07:33 PM
Hi there OP~ are you sure your feelings for him are genuine and not simply as a result of him having a girlfriend?.... I don't look at others in a relationship and hang around and yet I was still faced with a situation once where I was in a relationship with someone and we both were pretty happy~ he had had this friend for years who had never been interested in him until he had a girlfriend~ then all of a sudden she wanted him~ and he fell for it but it didn't last before she moved on:(

Not saying it's same just curious if those feeling were always there....or only recently were there:)

Hi Sunnydaysss.

I am sure they are genuine. It took me a long time to process these feelings and figure out how I really felt.

When I last saw him, he said he was "fine" but I could tell he was in emotional pain. I could see it, I could feel it and all I wanted to do was make everything better for him. In the email he sent, he admitted he was really struggling emotionally. I believe that the reason he reaches out to me so often for fulfilment is because his girlfriend does not, on some level, fulfil that role. Maybe now he will be more encouraged to reach out to her.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 11
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 1:15:43 PM

When I last saw him, he said he was "fine" but I could tell he was in emotional pain. I could see it, I could feel it and all I wanted to do was make everything better for him. In the email he sent, he admitted he was really struggling emotionally. I believe that the reason he reaches out to me so often for fulfilment is because his girlfriend does not, on some level, fulfil that role. Maybe now he will be more encouraged to reach out to her


What ever "emotional pain" he is in.....is HIS issue and not yours.

What ever issues he and his current "serious gf" have are THEIR issues and not yours.

Since when you are you responsible for his emotional well-being and his happiness???? I somehow don't think you have been appointed for that role as he is an adult and can fend for himself. - whether it be counseling or some sort of support group. It's all up to him and not you.

In other words, he needs to be a big boy and man up and figure it out for himself and NOT use you as an emotional crutch when the going gets tough.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 1:30:16 PM

What ever "emotional pain" he is in.....is HIS issue and not yours.


I know. When he was going through this emotional pain, he asked me to come to him. Tonight, he said we are each other's rocks. Well maybe I'm no longer being comfortable being a "rock" to someone that I want to be with on a more loving basis. Why isn't his girlfriend his rock? I agree that we are that role for each other - and that is why I don't want to lose him and as far as I am concerned is also why he is the man I want to be with.

I have suggested counselling and some other things, considering he is going to have to deal with me not being around anymore. I think he will struggle with my decision to leave the friendship and I am feeling bad about that.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 1:34:57 PM

Ah I see well if it's genuine then it may work out if he feels the same and has done all the years you have known each other ~ if it's meant to be~ it will happen but in a situation like this can take time to resolve~ at least you have been honest with him now~ so he can go away and find out what it is he wants~ if he has always felt more for you than a friend and now understands how you feel~ then he may come to you later and you can both properly be together:)

All my relationship lol (all) only four ~ but they all started out as friendships that progressed to more as you can get way closer to someone in a platonic relationship than in a sexual one sometimes~ because you know them better and it can be great if the attraction is there too~even if it kicks in later on

Main thing is if it's meant to be it will not pass you by:)


Thanks Sunnydaysss!

I just find it very difficult to believe that there is NOTHING romantic on his end. He tells me he deeply admires and loves me as a human being. He says I am going to do "great things" and that I am "beautiful" (physically). So what gives? Why am I not good enough...

Interestingly, he said he has been struggling for the past 1 1/2 years - which is, as it happens, how long he has been living with his girlfriend. I could be totally wrong -- but I think, once I actually disappear from his life, he will feel differently. I will be moving on and not waiting around for him though. I need to be able to give my heart to someone else. If I am right, and he reappears when I am loved up again or something. That will be annoying...

And for him to say our Platonic bond is the most "profound" relationship that there is. What do you folks think about that? I like to think that a romantic relationship built on friendship is so much more!
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 14
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 1:42:30 PM
Again.....HIS struggles are HIS and HIS alone. Not yours......

You, yourself said he has strung you along for quite a while....my question is...why are you allowing that? Don't you think you deserve cake and not what ever crumbs he occasionally throws your way to keep you on the proverbial string?

I'll bet you don't know the Golden Rule of Relationships......

If you don't.....it goes like this.....

Once you walk out the door and say you are finished, then you are. That goes for any type of relationship you may have, whether it be a friendship, romance, professional or academic relationship. This rule applies to both parties and is nontransferrable.

For if you return....the other party will know you will always take them back no matter what....and it can lead to the on/off again drama that can last for years and years on end. Not only is it unhealthy, it's always unstable, and can erode at your self esteem and self worth.

The best advice I can give you is what I recently read on the forums and I am not able to say who posted it......due to forum rules.....

NEVER, ever let someone tell you they don't want you more than once.

Stop being his emotional whore....which is what you are turning into with this guy.

His struggles and issues are his and his alone.....not yours. - HE can struggle with his "own stuff" without you!

Even if he was available...as in not in a relationship....he wouldn't be emotionally available to embark on a "romantic relationship" with you.

Cut ties, give yourself some time and move on. Yes, it's tough, but in the long run after having given yourself some time and space....you will see it's the best thing.

People come into our lives for a reason and a season. Some will stay with you forever, and some will enter and exit....He is one who needs the exit.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 15
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 1:54:32 PM

He said he's trying to decide how long to leave it before getting back in touch, and I am going to contact him simply asking him not to. To leave it to me...


NO. leave him alone, like he asked you to.

You sound like you have control issues. He told you what he wanted to do, but you decided he must do what you want to do…which is deciding when you will be in touch again…so you feel like you are in control of the situation, and pretend he wants to be more than friends with you. He doesn’t.

You are playing games with him when he has made it VERY clear, you are a friend. That’s it. I think the way you are so desperately hanging on to nothing is because you are afraid to move on with your own life. He has a girlfriend! They live together! She has feelings, too, you know. It’s not all about you.


When I last saw him, he said he was "fine" but I could tell he was in emotional pain.


I think you are the one causing him pain. he is probably in emotional turmoil over not wanting to hurt you, but frustrated because you refuse to catch a clue. He wants to be your FRIEND; NOT your boyfriend!


Anyway, I saw his relationship with this woman progressing and panicked, thinking: what if he marries her?


Then they are husband and wife. A real friend would say, “Congratulations! Best of luck to you both!” and mean it; not plot to sabotage their relationship.

His girlfriend must have the patience of a saint.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 1:56:30 PM

Since when you are you responsible for his emotional well-being and his happiness????


The other thing is that he said he didn't want us to no longer be in each other's lives because he wants to be the person that is there for me and supports me through difficulties!! I think I have been able to see that the friendship is not healthy for our romantic lives - but he still cannot see it.

It has been stopping me from finding someone who can give me their whole self and not just part of their self.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 2:00:07 PM

I think you are the one causing him pain. he is probably in emotional turmoil over not wanting to hurt you, but frustrated because you refuse to catch a clue.


He specifically stated in his email that his emotional turmoil was nothing to do with me. He then said that once he has resolved this emotional turmoil within himself, he wants us to take things up again.

Secondly, it was important for me to let him know it really is NC until I am ready because it could really throw me off if he pops up. If I am in a relationship by that time, I don't want to be reeled back in. That's just an emotionally healthy move, rather than a control issue.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 18
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 2:01:56 PM
Sunshine girl (see message 18) - I couldn't agree more --- OP.....re-read that post.....you need to - as well as take the good advice others have given you on here.

You can't keep posting new thread with the same subject matter and hope for different replies. just doesn't work that way.

It's always much better to deal with reality than to live in a fantasy....
 sapphiresky242
Joined: 11/17/2015
Msg: 19
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 2:29:05 PM
Katy, walk away and totally forget this guy. He doesn't want you as a girlfriend, lover or wife. If you don't walk away now, you will be writing to some forum for advice in 30 years and crying to an audience "I've waited for 30 years, he just divorced his 3rd wife and I've been waiting all these years and he still ignores me romantically".

You are making excuses, not listening when he says "thanks but no thanks" when you said you liked him romantically and you are back here for the second time waiting until someone tells you what you WANT to hear instead of what you NEED to hear.

Let him go. Find yourself a nice young man that can love you for you. You deserve better than this guy (that has a girlfriend).

Edit to add regarding your quote below and your comments....see, you responded favourably to that post because in it were the words you WANT to hear - "there might be a chance". With a cherry on top. Not good advice.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 2:46:43 PM

^^^Try not to be too harsh~ Katy as he might have secretly wanted you for years~ and it wasn't there for you till recently~ he may have only just found out you have strong feelings for him~ and you yourself have needed a good while to feel more for him~ on top of that he is in middle of a relationship that looks like it's not the best for emotional well being~ it's all too easy to act impulsively in such situations and not allowing it the time it might deserve

But I wouldn't cut your nose off to spite your face if there really is something there between you both:) ~ I'd give it a good while before I judged whether it was a mutual thing~ and also let him resolve or dissolve his relationship first~ some guys can't deal with too many emotions all happening at same time and at the wrong time~ preferring to deal with one thing at a time:)

Still it ultimately is your choice~ and whether he is worth the time :) ~ if it is not a mutual feeling then you will know in good time and can lay it to rest:)

"And for him to say our Platonic bond is the most "profound" relationship that there is. What do you folks think about that? I like to think that a romantic relationship built on friendship is so much more!"

Cherry on the cake~ some have the cherry but can't manage to bake a cake for it:) friendship and cherry( cake and romance)


This is a very insightful post, thank you. I do think he really needs to go and sort himself out and work through some things.

Truthfully - at one point he DID express a desire to spend a lot more time with me shortly after breaking up with an ex of his. I declined at the time because I was in a serious relationship...but am almost regretting it now considering how things have panned out. I am not with that guy now, though I gave it my best shot at the time. Maybe if I had given him a chance then things would be different.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 21
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 2:59:54 PM
^^^ time to get out of the fantasy.....what IS the reality at this present time???

He is in a relationship and living with her. - not you.

We always want what we can't have.... and that is you right at this present time.

Don't worry about his feeling and his stuff....worry about yours and take care of yourself.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 3:03:40 PM

^^^ time to get out of the fantasy.....what IS the reality at this present time???

He is in a relationship and living with her. - not you.

We always want what we can't have.... and that is you right at this present time.

Don't worry about his feeling and his stuff....worry about yours and take care of yourself.



I know all this, but - he said he has been struggling for 18 months. It was 18 months ago he moved in with his girlfriend and it was also at this time that he phoned me out of the blue to reconnect.

I am going to move on - of course I am - but I do still think that he is not seeing things clearly. He is lacking self-awareness.

I haven't even felt this heartbroken after break ups. After bereavements, yes. This feeling is on par with those times.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 23
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 3:08:37 PM
He is living with a woman - he is TAKEN. Don't get involved in couple drama. You said they have been together 3 years. No, you need to shut him down and move on with your Life.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 24
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 3:09:24 PM
so are you going to manipulate the situation to break him and his gf up??? with "friends" like that, who needs enemies??

that type of stuff belongs on a soap opera. - do you really want to be that "other woman" who does stuff like that???

How good would you feel about yourself if you did something like that?

Once you get "the prize"...I'll bet it isn't cracked up to what you truly want......those things usually end up like that......

Like I said earlier....sometimes our emotions and feelings can make it feel like the end of the world and it hurts to end a friendship. - I did that earlier this year and it hurt badly...but he told me he didn't want anything further than friendship and although I wasn't in a place where I could cope with it, I respected his boundaries, and moved on.

He tried to contact me later.....after I had some time and space....and I realized he wasn't the guy I once thought he was.

So I didn't respond. He tried again, and I still didn't respond. I didn't want to get sucked back in. I stood my ground and had firm boundaries......which you don't seem to have.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?
Posted: 12/13/2015 3:30:58 PM
dpwesu...I am not going to do anything. I have asked him not to contact me further.

All I'm doing is reading the situation. I believe that he is not seeing things clearly. It took me several months, maybe, longer, to truly realise that my feelings for him had changed. I don't think it is beyond the realms of possibility that he may come to a similar realisation later.

Maybe he won't, maybe he'll marry his gf or whatever else. But I won't contact him again, until/if I feel can a long time in the future. It's just really difficult. He is my rock and I am his. Tough to lose that -- he himself said his biggest regret is not being able to be there to help me because of my decision to end the friendship for now.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Told best male friend I have feelings - was this flat our rejection or bad timing?