Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Confused      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 benh32
Joined: 7/27/2014
Msg: 1
view profile
History
Confused Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Situation: I have been friends with a girl for 6 months, she knows that I like her more than friends because I asked her out within the first few weeks of knowing each other. In the last few weeks I've helped her get her car fixed, get a new computer, let her watch her shows at my place, escorted her to a gunshow where instead of doing what we had agreed on and splitting up she introduced herself to my lifelong friends family, and made me serve as the platonic boyfriend during her friends events for the last few weeks. After wrestling with this and if I should risk the friendship for a few days, I asked her out and got rejected and asked to go dinner with her 2 day old boyfriend. What should I do to prevent this to happening in the future.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 2
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 11:34:32 AM
Sorry this happened OP. I don't know to prevent it unless you resolve to only be kind to people who you can gain something back from... if I were this girl I wouldn't accept all these things from someone who I know is interested in me and I'm not. That's her personal ethics, and it's not the greatest. As corny as it may sound, you probably dodged a bullet... you want to date someone with better character.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 11:59:06 AM

made me serve as the platonic boyfriend

That pretty much sums up everything over 6 months. Platonic boyfriend. A certain % of gals will want this. Why? They like feeling attractive. She knows you like her, and she feels wanted -- a self-esteem boost. Most grow out of it when they like the idea, as it leads to drama a lot -- moreso than being FWB or Fvck Buddies. At least there both people are getting their beyond-platonic pleasantries. The only drama there is one wanting More than the other. In your situation as platonic boyfriend -- at first, you Think you're getting something (a chance), when you're not -- but she's getting everything she wants out of it. A guy who will do anything for her, and for her feeling wanted.

How do you prevent this? When you ask a girl out and she says No, don't hold on hope translating what soft excuses she says (ex: "You're cute and all, but I'm not ready to date right now" - I invented that lol)... No means No. :)

So don't be 1-on-1 friends with a gal when she likes you as a person and wants to hang out 1-on-1. Be group-friends at the most... have her introduce you to other gals when you and your friends are out. Don't emotionally chase them. REALIZE she's not an option anymore. Don't talk to her on the phone, don't be a shoulder to lean on (unless emergency). Don't treat her any different than Average Sally who you consider a friend who hangs out with some of your friends. Stay away from hanging out 1-on-1. When you REALIZE that it's NOT going to work, it becomes EASY to shy away from being 1-on-1 friends with the gal. When you get older though, much fewer women are going to want a platonic boyfriend, so that's something to look forward to, too. :)
 caballerosiempre
Joined: 12/5/2015
Msg: 4
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 1:24:43 PM
or as some call it, the male girlfriend
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 1:59:06 PM
'Just friends' happens from the beginning. If a girl is not acting like your GF, then she does not consider you to be her BF. Don't waste time and money hoping things will change. You deserve better.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 6
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 2:06:06 PM
Benh32- Simply put, you got used/played, but you let it happen, every step of the way.
Where she went wrong: She knew she liked you as a friend and told you so, but she played with you to get what she wanted out of you, which was a mean thing to do.
What you did wrong: Again, I'm going to start with the fact that she told you, from early on, that she only wanted friendship.
You thought you could change her mind by doing all of these things you list.
Not smart, it's hard to feel too sorry for you because everyone reading this knows what your REAL motivation was for doing those things.
At one point you say she "made" you do something. No, she didn't, you did not have a gun to your head, you made a choice, so take responsibility for it.
How do you prevent this from happening in the future?
That is easy.
When someone TELLS you what they want/what they are, LISTEN!
Do not EVER make the mistake of thinking that you can change someone.
That ALWAYS leads to bad things, as you now know.
If you want to have a REAL relationship with someone, wait until you find someone that wants a REAL relationship with you.
It HAS to work both ways, always.
 Long_Shot_Kick_D_Bucket
Joined: 11/15/2015
Msg: 7
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 2:13:24 PM
op, NJ has it right. Be lucky you dodged a bullet on this one. She wanted and you gave, which in this case IMO a little too much too fast. I bet the lead up to her wants, she made you feel like you were special and the only one for her, and once she got them you were put in last place. It is OK to help someone, but NEVER do it to just get your foot in the door to a relationship. Sorry to say, but it sounds like she knew this and manipulated you. She is a USER, one of the worst kind!! She's also using her 2 day old boyfriend too. Think about why she wants you to come along??

How do you prevent this??
1.) Take things slow.
2.) Be up front and communicate your wants and where you want to go.
3.) Don't give too much too fast. It shows desperation.
4.) Look for mutuality and NOT convenience.
5.) If one is excited about you being their ONE, they won't have a problem introducing that to others in their circle. RED FLAG if they don't.
6.) Evaluate the relationship and what it means to you.
7.) Don't think that if you are friend zoned that there is still a chance at a relationship. Chances are slim.
8.) Never compromise yourself for the sake of just being in a relationship.
9.) If the relationship is going well, both will move heaven and earth to be with one another.
10.) Move on from users!!
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 3:12:50 PM
what is a platonic boyfriend anyway? You were friendzoned from the beginning and this girl was using you but you allowed it. You knew each other for six months and she clearly showed no real romantic interest. If you were helping her to try to gain favour then it was on you. She has no real ethics in fact and you deserve better. Move on.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 4:44:29 PM
How do you prevent it? Don't do it. Don't be someone's platonic friend, when that's not what you want, move on. Nothing she's done made you go along with it, that was your choice. She's made it plain, how many times now?, that she's not interested in you other than a friend, what part was confusing?
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 10
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 5:10:44 PM

Situation: I have been friends with a girl for 6 months, she knows that I like her more than friends because I asked her out within the first few weeks of knowing each other.


So YOU have known just as long as she has that she is not interested in romance with you. She has not “used” you.

She probably assumed you really wanted to be her friend, rather than someone who pretends to be her friend until he can get into her pants under false pretenses.


After wrestling with this and if I should risk the friendship for a few days


What friendship? You resent everything you’ve done for her and with her (you “let” her watch shows at your place? Why?) because she hasn’t performed the way you want her to. There is no “friendship.”

How to prevent this in the future? Quit pretending to be a woman’s “friend” while secretly hoping to convince her to bed you, and expecting something more from her just because you went through the motions and think you have earned the right to her body.
 crabdipper
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 11
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 6:06:02 PM
You are and always will be her friend on her terms at her convenience. That's how it works. A lot of people will disagree, but I have never seen a so-called opposite sex friendship last when one party gets involved in a relationship. It creates major problems as it should. At least from a male point of view. You can be friendly with the opposite sex, but not true friends like same sex friends.

Recently a woman posted about a male friend who had feelings for her and she is in a relationship with another man. She never introduced her male friend to her boyfriend for fear of hurting him because she knows how he feels about her. I'm sorry, but that is not a true friendship. That man is just waiting for her to change her mind, which will probably never happen, just like this poster has admitted to doing.

You are wasting your time. You are chasing what you can't have which is setting yourself up for a lot of pain. You have been wanting more for 6 months and she has a 2 day old boyfriend. That has to hurt. That should also tell you a lot. As hard as it may be at this point you need to move on for your own sake.

I will do just about anything to help anyone, male or female. Men and women call all the time for my assistance and I'm usually there as soon as possible. They always say what a great friend I am for solving their issue. I let them know, in a subtle way, we are friendly and compliments don't pay bills. If you allow people to abuse you most will.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 6:56:27 PM

Where she went wrong: She knew she liked you as a friend and told you so, but she played with you to get what she wanted out of you, which was a mean thing to do.

I think she did wrong -- but I don't think she *played* him, necessarily. If she told him that "maybe some day we can date, but for now I want to be friends" -- that would be playing him, making it vague, up in the air, to keep him around, etc. Instead though she flat out denied him. But she still wanted to hang out 1-on-1 (bad idea for her AND him). She did wrong by doing this knowing he liked her. To what degree depends on how it unfolded. If he was still chasing her/calling her up all the time, etc, and she felt bad and allowed him to fix her car, get computer buying advice, doing this thing and that thing that he stretched himself out to do -- it would be less of a 'crime', but at the same time, the longer that lasts, the more of a true wrongdoing it is... but most gals in that position will play the naive card on it, which, to some extent may be true, depending on how everything unfolded.

Either way, he walked into Basic Bad Girl-Guy Situation 101. So sympathy's not for him (but that doesn't excuse her for dragging things out either).

If you want to have a REAL relationship with someone, wait until you find someone that wants a REAL relationship with you.

I agree, but he's probably in the same position others are -- they think they can "win the girl over", because there are stories like that where Bobby likes Jane, Jane says no thanks to a date, but they become friends, and a year or more later, she begins to like him after a breakup or something. Thing is, out of 100 of those type of scenarios, 90 times she doesn't like him, 5 times she'll give in to a moment post-breakup or something and then things get weird, and 5 times she does start to genuinely like him. People cling to that 5% situation and in their (biased) "gut" they feel it's closer to 50%. But, that's what the heart tells us sometimes -- in situations like those, it can be a bad compass.
 benh32
Joined: 7/27/2014
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 8:34:34 PM
Just to clear some stuff up. I'm not out money or anything. I didn't expect anything after the initial polite decline. It's just she went from seeing her a couple times a week to her coming over in her pajamas to watch TV and she brought me a piece of leftover pie across 4 states. After this became a pattern, I thought I was golden.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 14
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 9:41:38 PM
Benh32- You are only 24, you have a LOT to learn about life.
She found a (ahem!) man who was willing to listen to her, feed her ego, etc. with NO sex.
You did her bidding, while waiting on the prize, when she KNEW the prize would never come.
FORGET
about her, do you hear me?
Leave her COLD, no matter what she says to entice you, ignore her, now and forever more.
I gave you THE best advice I had when I said to MOVE ON and find someone who is as into you as you are into them.
DO THAT!
 benh32
Joined: 7/27/2014
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 9:44:05 PM
Also she is the other side of the duplex I live in.
 crabdipper
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 16
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 10:01:02 PM

Just to clear some stuff up.

You're not clearing anything up. If anything, you're making excuses to try to change our minds. It ain't gonna happen.
Everyone above has told you, basically, she is not interested and she isn't even a friend.

There is a lot of BS on this board, but we are taking you for your word on this one.
You should do the same. Most of us are much older than you and have experienced this many times over.
Sorry to tell you this, but it will happen again.
Now you know so get out sooner next time.
 cookymaker
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 10:25:55 PM
You said it in the beginning of your post. She KNOWS you want more. She just wants to be friends.
It is good for her ego, she feels that she can count on you to be there. You are her "essence of male".
Do you want to be just an essence or the real thing?
The other side of the complex you live in can be as far away as you make it. I have neighbors I haven't seen in years.

I agree with the others - go on with your life without her getting so much of your time and attention. She will survive.
And you might doubt us, but.. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER.
 choppermonkie
Joined: 4/26/2014
Msg: 18
Confused
Posted: 12/20/2015 11:07:14 PM

What should I do to prevent this to happening in the future.


Be able to identify being freindzoned, which is what happened to you here. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's happened to all of us at one point or another. You became the equivalent of FWB for women (you give time, emotions, and/or money in exchange for NOT getting the relationship you hoped for). If you're cool with being platonic friends with them in the future, great, but treat them like any of your other buddies. Talk about other women. Ask her how to ask out that cute girl in the coffee shop. Make sure they're shelling out their part for nights out. Ask them to move that heavy awkward couch to your new place. If they get dramatic about being treated like a buddy, then they're not worth having as friends (let alone GFs). That should quickly kill any secret hope you have to get with them. If OTOH, she turns out to be a cool buddy and can drink and/or hang with the best of them, consider yourself lucky to have found a good cool friend.

If your question is about avoiding the friendzone altogether, that's more difficult. The key is in identifying the first subtle hints at the friendzone-ization process. If you've asked her out and she said no or delayed or hummed and hawed, then move on. You can treat her like a buddy pal after that, but don't secretly hope something is going to happen if you act nice like your mom always told you to. That is friendzone mistake #1. You can keep trying (in a non creepy/stalkerish way only though). Sometimes persistent works but you have to realize/accept what you're doing and what is most likely going to happen (she will keep saying no).

Ultimately, the key is in accepting the first no, moving on to other girls, and treating girl # 1 like a buddy after the first no.
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 19
Confused
Posted: 12/21/2015 12:18:58 AM
There comes a time in your life when you should take responsibility for your feelings, actions, and yourself, within your relationship and your relationship with yourself....
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 20
Confused
Posted: 12/21/2015 8:09:31 AM
Go for the first kiss within the first couple dates. If they won't kiss you, you are probably freindzoned, and that will never change with that woman.

No problem - find a new woman to date. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you only need one.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/21/2015 12:18:27 PM

Go for the first kiss within the first couple dates.


If a guy did not try to kiss me by the second date, I assumed that I was the one who was friend zoned.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 22
Confused
Posted: 12/21/2015 6:04:34 PM

What should I do to prevent this to happening in the future.


Find better quality women.
Easier said than done, I know.


find a new woman to date. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you only need one.


But the darned mercury poisoning is so pervasive.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 23
Confused
Posted: 12/21/2015 6:25:44 PM

Find better quality women.
Easier said than done, I know.

I agree. Don't let chicks use you for an ego boost, and don't let anyone use you, period.
 benh32
Joined: 7/27/2014
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/21/2015 6:42:39 PM
wooo back to dating =(
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Confused
Posted: 12/21/2015 7:52:26 PM
Haha, that's exactly how I feel about dating. My pessimism will be the death of me.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Confused