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 claire8424
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 1
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Why did he tell me?Page 1 of 1    
I went out last night and my friend who has been married for 2 years told me he liked me 4 years ago when we started working together. He said he never told me at the time as he had just started dating his wife and was worried he would scare me by telling me. I don't know what he had to gain from telling me he liked me and said he still thinks I'm nice etc.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 2
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 12/28/2015 7:52:32 AM
There isn't always an agenda... maybe he was just making conversation. Even if he had an agenda, he's married, so he's off limits if you are smart.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 3
because it felt good
Posted: 12/28/2015 8:09:00 AM
why did he tell you? b/c he had a feeling so strong, he had to let it out. Just like when someone's really happy, they have to say something along the lines of, "OMG, you can't believe how happy I am right now!" Some people just can't keep the thrill inside. It just so happens that this good feeling, is one that can be seen by those not feeling it, as creepy. Other expressions of feelings aren't so much a case of TMI.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 4
because it felt good
Posted: 12/28/2015 3:54:04 PM
His doctor told him something the other day and he is reacting to this new found knowledge of his?????
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 5
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 12/28/2015 5:09:44 PM

I don't know what he had to gain from telling me he liked me and said he still thinks I'm nice


Unless he was under the influence; I think it is a subtle way of him opening the door to the possibility of you taking the next step towards an affair. He might not be too happy with his marital situation, otherwise why else would he tell you this 4 years later!
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 6
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 12/29/2015 1:23:35 AM
He doesn't seem to have respect for you. (Of course, a person like that doesn't possess respect for anybody else, either.)

Don't even contemplate it.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 7
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 12/29/2015 6:36:14 AM
This is one of the reasons why I can't stand indecisive people. Those men and women that can't make up their minds and then when they do, the wonder if they made the right decision or if something better is out there. People like this make me sick.

Most of this mentality stems from insecurity. Insecurity about trusting their inner voice and instead doing what is easier or what peers, friends, society and others deep better. Your friend may have liked you before, but he did not act upon it. And now he is married to a person that obviously he does not love, or love enough to want to be monogamous.

Now, you cannot do anything about your so called friend. But you can do something about yourself. You can tell him what you think about this. You can tell him that you had some feelings for him, but not quite in the love arena. You can tell him that you feel betrayed, or not if that is the case. But realize what the course of action from here will be.

Personally, I would tell him that you do not want to see him anymore. And out of respect for his wife you wish that he does not contact you anymore.

If he is incapable of making decisions, maybe you can.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 8
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 12/29/2015 7:35:23 AM
You'll come to learn that this is very common.

I have had many friends who have fallen in love with me or realized that they like me (in more than a friendly way), it is almost inevitable in time. It is not on purpose, it is not planned, and it does not happen from a very beginning. My theory regarding friendships is that you tend to be friends with people you find attractive at some level, someone who you gravitate to normally. It is not a conscious choice, people form connections with others and don't realize why those connections were formed. The more you learn about them, the more time is spent together, the stronger of a bond forms, you start to realize that you hold someone to high esteem.

It is common for someone to mistake strong connections with attraction of a different kind. If for one find all of my friends attractive (males and females), or qualities and traits about them that make them attractive. I don't think I'd like to sleep with them though, I simply don't. I also don't think it's that simple for men, it may be harder to separate romantic feelings from high regard for someone but stop their d*cks from getting hard, lmao.

Then there's the other pesky issue we face as we age, we may start feeling that the only person who finds us attractive are those with whom we have relationships. Some people need reassurance, to feel like they are desired by others, which they desire even if platonic. I have a friend (he is married) who has asked me 3 times now if I'm attracted to him and if I'd sleep with him. The first two times, he must have thought I was holding back when I said no.

The 3rd time he asked me (and he was marred the last two times he asked me), I told him no and I explained why I'd never be attracted to him. I went IN, and he has never asked me again. I told him he is not my type in any way, that I can't be with someone with low self-esteem, who needs a woman to tell him what to do and how because he is incapable of standing his own ground, someone who speaks and thinks like a little boy, not resilient at all, married to a wonderful woman yet can't see what he has, and to top it all, have no goals in life nor ambitions.

The fact that you are unavailable or out of reach to them somehow intensifies the platonic desire to have you, even if not in a real sense. They are feeding their own insecurities by seeking validation from others. Their d*cks are always searching for something they think is better, even when they have the best they'll ever get.

When you realize how common it is to be propositioned by married men, men in relationships, men in general, you'll realize that you can't really blindly trust anyone. I did read the post and I know he didn't propose anything indecent (yet, lol), but that's how it starts, by seeking others who may have feelings for them and then escalate things from there.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 9
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 12/29/2015 2:42:46 PM

Most of this mentality stems from insecurity. Insecurity about trusting their inner voice and instead doing what is easier or what peers, friends, society and others deep better. Your friend may have liked you before, but he did not act upon it. And now he is married to a person that obviously he does not love, or love enough to want to be monogamous.


Act upon what? If they both liked each other, they would have naturally gotten together. It's probably for the best that he didn't do anything.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/2/2016 10:10:50 AM

I went out last night and my friend who has been married for 2 years told me he liked me 4 years ago when we started working together. He said he never told me at the time as he had just started dating his wife and was worried he would scare me by telling me. I don't know what he had to gain from telling me he liked me and said he still thinks I'm nice etc.


I think everyone so far is over complicating this.

First of all, I want to point out that I am ASSUMING that the reason why you and this fellow "went out last night," is because he is no longer with his wife, and you are now dating. If that's not true, then you can ignore the rest of what I say, and then please supply more pertinent details, so that we can come up with more accurate answers.

If that's the case, then the answer to your question is, that it isn't what he has to GAIN now, by telling you the truth about the past, it's a matter of what he had to LOSE, back then.

He then, wanted to make things work with his now ex-wife. So telling you he was attracted to you as a potential mate, would only have made a lot of people uncomfortable.

The reason he would tell you about this NOW, is simply to let you know that his interest and positive feelings about you, aren't sudden and new, and that he always appreciated your qualities and value as a human being.
 claire8424
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 11
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/2/2016 3:26:25 PM
We were out with friends but they were having their own conversations. He has said to me in the past that I am great person and his eyes light up when he sees me but I never thought anything of it.

He and his wife had a separation recently for a few weeks and he said he is only bothered about his daughter which is why he stuck around. I don't know what his long term thoughts are but it was clear he does not want his wife to be part of those plans.

I thought it was nice he had feelings for me but I felt annoyed as he decides to tell me when nothing can happen while he still married. I don't get what he thought would happen, I know he might be thinking of an affair but he seemed more sincere than wanting that from me.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/4/2016 11:30:24 AM

He and his wife had a separation recently for a few weeks and he said he is only bothered about his daughter which is why he stuck around. I don't know what his long term thoughts are but it was clear he does not want his wife to be part of those plans.


Two years married, with a kid and NOW he decides to make a move???? Avoid this loser like the plague, no good can come of this type of friendship. Do not socialize with him any longer.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 13
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/4/2016 11:40:55 AM
He said he liked you four years ago. He is now married to someone else. He may want to have an affair with you or a bit on the side. But I am sure you have nothing to gain from that, right???? There is a now a child involved in all this and really do you want someone who didn't do something about his feelings four years ago????
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/7/2016 8:41:31 PM
The more details that are added, the more he is sounding like a run of the mill self-indulgent, immature, wannabe womanizer. Unfortunately playing at being a concerned father, while chasing sex fantasies with whoever he's looking at at the moment.

But again, that's just my impression based on the observations of the OP so far.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 15
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/9/2016 7:24:20 AM
This is what is happening in HIS household. He married. Year 1: they had fun being newlyweds and being in 'the married club', with lots of sex until she got pregnant, sex dwindled. Year 2: she was pregnant and then had an infant to take care of so sex was rare. He's ticked off that he hasn't had sex in almost 2 years (or not much sex in 2 years) and that the baby gets more attention than he does.

Out for drinks with a woman (OP) he knows well enough to hit on without having to get the courage up to try a stranger.

Someone above said it - he told you because he opened the door for YOU to make the move so he can be innocent that HE didn't START it. He told you NOW (instead of years ago) because he wasn't starved for sex at the time.

You can put 2 and 2 together.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 16
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/9/2016 1:01:31 PM
I will go against the grain and pee off the conspiracy believers and say it means nothing. It was small talk.
 50ThousandAnd2
Joined: 1/5/2016
Msg: 17
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/10/2016 6:44:14 AM

It was small talk

This.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 18
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/10/2016 7:19:02 AM
I would have gone with 'just small talk' if it were not for the totality of the facts. I DO believe it is possible for a man and a woman to be strictly platonic friends. And for coworkers to be strictly platonic friends. So I do not presume, or jump easily to the conclusion, that a man who makes such ambiguous flirting noises is trying to seriously hit on the other. Sometimes when one is happily, or at least satisfactorily, married then they feel they are "taken" so the other won't interpret the comments as a come on.

But in this case, the totality of the circumstances makes me think it is not just small talk:
- He is not happily married,
- He is recently separated, or had a trial separation,
- It was a VERY short marriage,
- During which time his wife was pregnant a substantial portion of the time,
- After which she had an infant to care for.

Some men think their pregnant wife is sexy and if she is capable and willing the sex continues. It is totally my assumption that he is not one of those men (or his wife was not capable or willing).

Some women do not have difficult deliveries, or get post-partum depression, or get exhausted waking every 1-2 hours to feed the baby so sex continues like newlywed rabbits. There are some dads who help with the (bottle) feeding so that mom can get more than 2 hrs of sleep at a time. It is totally my assumption that is not the case here.

Add to that it was a very short marriage - basically lasting only until the baby is about 1+ year old, and that leads me to believe I have the correct interpretation of the facts.

So what does this man do? He goes out with a female friend that he has 'history' with (i.e. he said that once upon a time he was attracted to her even if he didn't say it or act on it at the time) and instead of making platonic small talk he opens the door to a romantic relationship he wasn't willing to open years ago. OP USED to be this man's second choice. His first choice didn't work out so well. He is now revisiting what he thinks he can get.

EDIT: Just checked OP's age. Not sure why I didn't do that earlier. If the man is about the same age then I am CERTAIN that my interpretation is correct.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 19
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/10/2016 9:14:33 AM

I went out last night and my friend who has been married for 2 years told me he liked me 4 years ago when we started working together. He said he never told me at the time as he had just started dating his wife and was worried he would scare me by telling me.

He would have. As you two didn't know each other (just started working), you were in a work place, and he was dating a gal. Would be Weird to tell someone, heck yes. Would be no point at that point.

I don't know what he had to gain from telling me he liked me and said he still thinks I'm nice etc.

It's called a Compliment. It's comfortable to say it now, because it's in the category of age-old thoughts/assumptions/feelings had in yester-year. Would it be weird to say "Yeah, when we started working, I had a crush on Sally, Bob's secretary for a little while. I just started dating my now wife," when reminiscing about the past at work? No, not if that was in the past and it's not that way any more, and can only compliment someone.

If it actually was a big deal for him to say it, he wouldn't say it. It's the past, just something to chuckle/smile about, that's all.
 gfe0787
Joined: 12/17/2015
Msg: 20
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/10/2016 7:11:58 PM
I'd suggest cutting all contact. That whole situation spells: drama. lol.
He's married. He has kids. He works with you.
Not worth it, imo.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 21
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/11/2016 2:39:35 PM

I'd suggest cutting all contact. That whole situation spells: drama. lol.
He's married. He has kids. He works with you.

Although this isn't what OP asked, I agree this is the right response.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 22
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/12/2016 6:36:26 AM
What CynthiaSM said.

Hi CynthiaSM! :)
 rockstartrucker82
Joined: 11/22/2015
Msg: 23
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/12/2016 6:21:36 PM
He told you because he wanted to, or something that you said reminded him of it. Did he ask you out? Did he try to kiss you? No? Then stop looking so into it. Not everything has to have some hidden meaning behind it.

Seriously, people, stop always jumping to these terrible conclusions. Sometimes people just talk to each other. I know, it's crazy.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/13/2016 6:09:58 AM
^^^I agree. It gets ridiculous at times. You can say to someone "It's a nice day today", and some women will think it's code for "He wants to have sex with me. What a pervert."
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 25
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Why did he tell me?
Posted: 1/13/2016 4:37:23 PM

I agree. It gets ridiculous at times. You can say to someone "It's a nice day today", and some women will think it's code for "He wants to have sex with me. What a pervert."

Yeah, I know. People are jumping the gun that he was making a move. Regardless of one's judging POV on the case, it would obviously help if it wasn't just a vague one-post by the OP. And even if, the OP is going to be biased, by how she phrased it. Think if he was just bringing up small-talk "remember when", and look at how she described it:


He said he never told me at the time as he had just started dating his wife and was worried he would scare me by telling me.

Yeah. It's safe to laugh about those things now, as opposed to then, right? He's just preemptively telling you why he never told ya THEN -- when it MATTERED. Why did it matter then VS now? Because he LIKED you then vs NOW. :)

I don't know what he had to gain from telling me he liked me and said he still thinks I'm nice etc.

But he didn't ask you out. The key thing: "and said he still thinks I'm nice". Yeah, that's to ensure he doesn't mean you're not WORTH liking -- sending the message of "hey, I still think you're nice, don't get me wrong." He's being Polite about it. :)

Kind of like at a class reunion, if I'm reminiscing with others, talking about high school gossip, drama, etc -- and I say to Kathy... "You know, I had a crush on you then. You were a real looker back then! Errr, I mean, you look just fine now, don't get me wrong [she gained 30lbs - lol]... but I didn't tell you because I was starting to date Suzy [who's my LTR/wife now]...," would that mean I'm wanting to cheat on Suzy, not happy with her, etc? I didn't even ask Kathy out! I'm just reminiscing! Why would Kathy find that weird? It's in the past, it's harmless. Why WOULD someone find it weird? The only thing I'd find about it would be flattering, much the same as someone saying "Yeah, when I first saw you at work ago, I was like 'Holy Cow, that guy/girl is one sharp dresser'." :)
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