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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's      Home login  
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 Nice7Girl1977
Joined: 12/26/2015
Msg: 1
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Long story short. I've been dating someone for a bit over four month. It gradually progressed from casual to serious over four month. We get along great, see each other few times a week, have tons in common,his parents like me, etc...

The problem? He hasn't met my parents yet and they want to meet the guy who their daughter (me) is dating. Fair is fair. I met his parents so he should meet mine. I've asked him to come over two Sundays from now to meet my parents. I was supposed to be a very casual atmosphere at their house. He told me that he cannot come because he made plans with his friend to watch Star Trek. I am upset. Now tell me is I am being unreasonable here. His friend is currently not working nor is he looking for work. So that means that they can meet anytime. Can't he just reschedule? I have nothing against his friend nor do I have problem his seeing his friend but come on? Is meeting your friend whom you see few times a month more important than meeting your gf's parents?

My parents are upset after I explained to them why he cannot meet them. My dad thinks that this guy is a dud. My mom thinks that he is just afraid to meet them so he came up with a plausible excuse. I think I agree with her.

What is your take on this? Does it means that he is not serious about me or our relationship? Then why would he take me to his parent's house few times if he is not serious about me. He tells me that he likes me and wants to be in a relationship with me.

Is this a red flag or am I overthinking this?
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 2
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 6:58:20 PM
Well you threw him under the bus, didn't you?

Went to see how old you are...at almost 40 I would think you'd be more mature.

Did you ask him why again, since you don't believe him?
Did you tell him what you said here?
Speculation and assumptions really don't help, so best to talk to him.
 crook_catcher
Joined: 1/27/2016
Msg: 3
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 6:59:46 PM
Why not just ask him what would be a good day and time for him. If he can't give a definitive answer then either he's leary of meeting your parents or just doesn't want to?
 irishgirl772
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 4
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 7:04:07 PM
In all honesty, youre 38. Your parents dont need to meet or approve of every guy you date. You met his parents because you agreed to meet them. Dating for a few months isnt that serious.
 Nice7Girl1977
Joined: 12/26/2015
Msg: 5
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 7:18:08 PM
call_me_tater
Who did I throw under the bus? Not sure what this is about. Yes, I did talk to him about it but all I've got was "uhhh" "hmmm" That is why I want to ask formulates what they think about it.

crook_catcher
I did ask him what would be a better time for him but didn't get anything definite.

irishgirl772
I don't need my parent's approval whom I date. They feel disrespected and they are entitled to feel how they want to feel. I am not dumping this guy over this issue. I just want to know if I am overreacting here or not. He was the one who said to me that if we ever end up being in a relationship (which what we are in now according to him) then he wants to get along with my parents as well as me get along with his. He is the one who insisted me meeting his parents early on and always asked me about my parents. He always tells me how his family is important to him. He is a mama's boy in some ways. I do realize that four month is not long enough for a serious relationship.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 6
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 7:26:33 PM
Do you live at home? Why are your parents all up in your business at 38
I think you need to decide what it is you want..
why does Dad think BF a dud? Stop talking about your dating Life to your parents might be a good start
Second start would stop asking strangers for advice then getting pissy when they don't say what you want to hear
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 7
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 7:39:11 PM
It sounds like he had prior plans. It would be rude of him to cancel; just like it would be rude of you to make him.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 8
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 7:58:43 PM
"Long story short. I've been dating someone for a bit over four month. It gradually progressed from casual to serious over four month. We get along great, see each other few times a week, have tons in common,his parents like me, etc..."

What do you mean, casual to serious? Casual like platonic to going out a bit more, or fwb to actual dating? How you set things up might imply an expectation.

"The problem? He hasn't met my parents yet and they want to meet the guy who their daughter (me) is dating. Fair is fair. I met his parents so he should meet mine. I've asked him to come over two Sundays from now to meet my parents. I was supposed to be a very casual atmosphere at their house. He told me that he cannot come because he made plans with his friend to watch Star Trek. I am upset. "

So, why did he not offer an alternative? Have you told him you are upset?

"Now tell me is I am being unreasonable here. His friend is currently not working nor is he looking for work. So that means that they can meet anytime. Can't he just reschedule? I have nothing against his friend nor do I have problem his seeing his friend but come on? Is meeting your friend whom you see few times a month more important than meeting your gf's parents? "

If you did not say this to him, maybe you are too afraid of losing this. Is this a souffle or is this a real relationship where you are allowed to be heard?

"My parents are upset after I explained to them why he cannot meet them. My dad thinks that this guy is a dud. My mom thinks that he is just afraid to meet them so he came up with a plausible excuse. I think I agree with her."

Talking to everybody but him, it seems. Who is the real problem?

"What is your take on this? Does it means that he is not serious about me or our relationship?"

My feeling is you are afraid to talk to him, as you could ask him these things, but are afraid of the honest or likely ambiguous answer. He doesn't want family pressure.

"Then why would he take me to his parent's house few times if he is not serious about me."

Some people don't view that as anything serious, just you are a friend, or dating, no pressure.

"He tells me that he likes me and wants to be in a relationship with me. "

Words are one thing, actions say more. There are such things as lies. Who knows what he thinks?

"Is this a red flag or am I overthinking this?"

You are overthinking to the extent it looks like you haven't discussed this. If you cannot do this, it could be your issue, or the relationship is not that good. Quite easily, stop " being in a so called relationship" if you cannot tell him your honest feelings, and hear his. Stop sleeping with him, dating him, under these circumstances. See if he communicates.

edit: Ok, looks like you tried to talk to him. To me, If I was dating somebody and they asked me to meet family, I would do so. I would not like any pressure to be " serious" at 4 months, or any marker, by the family.

So let him know, it is not a "must be serious" meeting, just a "this is the guy I am currently dating". If you expect seriousness before a year, you might be unrealistic. It takes time to get a sense of the real person, but generally it would seem a bit elusive to me how this guy is handling this.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 9
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Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 8:20:05 PM
Why not reschedule a meet with your parents??. You have met his, so fair is fair. If you see him a few times a week and he wants a relationship with you then don't panic.

What your parents say about a man they have not met, does not mean much. You are a mature woman hopefully, and need to think for yourself.

He may be nervous about being under the microscope of your family but after all you had to go through it. Hopefully your father wont ask what his intentions are, in this day and age and at your stage of life.

He has refused one meeting only, right?? If he keeps making excuses then I would be a bit worried. It is too early at 4 months to decide whether you will have a future together but meeting parents is not a declaration of being betrothed after all.


 geekgrrrl
Joined: 1/28/2009
Msg: 10
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Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 8:28:10 PM
nice7gir1977...

You matter. If how he behaves disappoints you then drop him. If you are ok with him disappointing you twice in a row then keep going out with him. You can listen to those inner feelings and go with them or ignore them. You are not the bad or childish person people have been eluding to in earlier responses. If someone cares about you, if you have a place of importance in their life then they'll want to please you. From what you said seems he doesn't see you in that light. On the elevator of life only you can decide which floor you get off on. If you like you can ride it to the basement. If it were me I'd stop seeing him...if it were me after the second refusal I'd have gotten the message. In my experience situations like this don't improve given more time.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 11
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 8:48:08 PM
To some people meeting the parents is a big deal. To some others is not.

Tell your date that his excuse is fvcking lame. It's like me telling you that I can't meet your parents because I have to go water my dog. The real reason is behind that. If you are in a real relationship, instead of getting mad or listening to whatever the hell your parents say is to the two of you to have some really good sex and after that, in the glow of the moment you talk. You will find some more basic truths.

He may tell you that some girlfriend he had, their parents where awful. Or like my own story. A girl I dated, she introduced me to her parents. Every man she dated before they hated. When we met, they loved me, but it shattered her own idea she had of me as the "bad boy" and our relationship went down the tubes. From then on the idea of meeting parents was off the marks. It took me a while to meet parents and then I did it on my own terms and I wasn't exactly the nicest of guys.

So, remember, you're not in a relationship with your parents, you're with this guy. Get to the truth of the issue and go from there. If he plays too many double standards, the get rid of him. In the end, it should never be an issue of picking between parents and date, to be boyfriends. Your parents are forever, your four-month boy date friend... well, maybe.
 lil_poppy
Joined: 1/18/2016
Msg: 12
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 8:55:30 PM
So you want him to meet your parents so you and your parents picked a day. Then you told him and he said that day didn't work because he had made plans for that day with his friend.

So he's selfish or juvenile or whatever? For crying out loud, pick another day that works for you, him and your parents. Why should he have to cancel his plans? And why is he have to cancel plans he made. And if he doesn't, he's selfish? And some say drop him?

You're 38 years old, why would you not say "I'd like you to meet my parents, what days work for you?" Is that too hard?

If I were him I'd stop seeing you. You want things your way without considering him. In my experience situations like this don't improve.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 13
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 8:58:26 PM

You're 38 years old, why would you not say "I'd like you to meet my parents, what days work for you?" Is that too hard?


Sounds to me like a person that even at 38 still has their parents dictate their own life. Very good observation.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:03:58 PM
Hmmm. Interesting set of choices. Op is overthinking? He's not serious? He's a "mamma's boy"? She's asking the wrong people?

I think I'd go with...OP is "under-pondering." As in not considering equally, enough possibilities. Jumping too quickly to over-limited conclusions.

I can imagine some possibilities. Here's a couple of instant reactions, based on MY life, rather than on any knowledge of the OP or this guy...

* the guy does want to meet her parents, but does NOT want it to have any special meaning other than "hey, there's her parents." She DOES want it to have more meaning, and he can sense that, and is hoping she'll calm down, so he's repeatedly putting her off, not recognizing that by doing that, he's hyping her up instead.

* the OP doesn't realize that a collection of what she thinks are minor observations/assumptions on her part about him (that he's a bit of a mamma's boy), come off to HIM, as attempts to manipulate him in to changing who he is in general. He's not aware of this enough to voice it, he's just generally uncomfortable, like someone who is allergic to wool, and doesn't realize that he put on an 80% rayon, 20% wool sweater this morning.

* the guy has been through enough gaming with other people, that he's convinced that demonstrating independence is very important. So when she wants him to change his schedule with his friend, on the grounds that he "owes her" a meeting with her parents because she already met his, he digs in his heels, because he learned the hard way in the past that cooperating with a manipulative person, actually makes them LOSE respect for you.

But I don't know.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 15
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:06:37 PM
@OP


It gradually progressed from casual to serious over four month. We get along great,


But you put up a profile on POF on 12/26 looking for a LTR and wanting a "serious connection" with somebody!


He told me that he cannot come because he made plans with his friend to watch Star Trek.


maybe its the truth!


My dad thinks that this guy is a dud.


Does he know you are looking for someone else on this dating site?


Does it means that he is not serious about me or our relationship?


Maybe he just does not want to be interrogated by your parents.


Then why would he take me to his parent's house few times if he is not serious about me.


because meeting somebody's parents does not mean that the relationship becomes serious


He tells me that he likes me and wants to be in a relationship with me.


I guess he did not see your profile here yet.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 16
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Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:17:14 PM
Is there a possibility that this issue involves cultural differences? Are you and your family first generation Russian emigres and your BF is Canadian born????
 Canandaigua_Momma
Joined: 12/16/2015
Msg: 17
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Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:19:31 PM
TO: nice7girl1977

My take is you should NOT have told your parents the "Star Trek" detail.
You should have just said, "Michael can't make it two Sundays from today, can we make it this Sunday, instead?"
Basically offer a new date without going into extensive detail on why he can't make the original calendar date.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 18
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:21:54 PM
Arrange another time that is good for you, your parents, and your bf . If I asked a person to do something and they already had plans for that day. I wouldn't expect to cancel. Maybe unless it was extremely important and/or something that had to be done on that day.
 cookymaker
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 19
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Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:51:43 PM
Just talk to him. If you really want a relationship to work with this man, you need to have better communication.
If he is not ready to meet your parents, don't push it right now. If he wasn't making an excuse and it was just that he was busy, ask what days work for him. Let him have a say.
I met my future (now x) husband's parents after only knowing him 2 weeks. That's because my children were 7 & 8 years old and he arranged for them to babysit so we could go to dinner and a movie....... . It wasn't about being serious enough to meet family.
He didn't met mine until 6 months later. After we knew we wanted to get married

Meeting parents can mean different things depending on why you want him to met them and how the parents are going to interpret it.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 20
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Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:57:24 PM

I've asked him to come over two Sundays from now to meet my parents. I was supposed to be a very casual atmosphere at their house. He told me that he cannot come because he made plans with his friend to watch Star Trek. *I did ask him what would be a better time for him but didn't get anything definite.* I am upset. Now tell me is I am being unreasonable here.

I inserted that other thing you said in another post to summarize the synopsis of the whole thing. I think you both are handling it wrong. It's over 2 weeks away. If it was REALLY casual no-biggie meetup, he shouldn't change plans to meet your parents. If you had an immediate Frustrated reaction, expecting him to drop plans "but OK, I'll deal with it... then when CAN you?", I could see that putting him in position where it wouldn't be a good time to talk about Meet The Parents.

With that said he should have told ya to chill, and picked the next Sunday or sometime during the week! It's casual as you say, right? I always think it's best to meet the parents for the first time in something that's not some big Sunday dinner or anything, but something more like a dinner at their place on Wed after work. He should have come right out like that, even if he was annoyed/frustrated by how you were coming across.

Now, since he didn't, I think the best advice would to have been just to cut to the chase "Well Bob, honestly -- do you Want to go over to my parents at this point to meet them, or does it feel too soon and kinda uncomfortable at This point?" -- in a Genuine, Nice, Inquisitive Tone. He'll give you more the straight dope right then.

But here's the thing -- you are 38. You're not 20. To him, everybody may meet his parents, and yeah, it means you're dating, sure. But meeting someone else's can make him nervous and feel like "Oh sh!t, this is something Huge" -- or just Not like doing that -- kind of like asking a guy to go to the ballet. :)

But being on His Side to do so when he's comfortable and giving him that vibe you're on his side and knowing that it can be uncomfortable (but trust me it'll be better than ya think!), but just something to get-out-of-the-way, no biggie. But you don't want to Push him on it. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to -- and the topic as to why not and what that has to do with your relationship should be the thing to talk about.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/9/2016 6:10:33 AM

He hasn't met my parents yet and they want to meet the guy who their daughter (me) is dating.


Are you 17, and want to introduce the guy who is taking you to the high school prom?





Is meeting your friend whom you see few times a month more important than meeting your gf's parents?


Apparently, at the moment, it is.





My parents are upset after I explained to them why he cannot meet them. My dad thinks that this guy is a dud.


I hope you don't relay that message to him. He's going to be even more evasive if he knows your parents are peed off at him and your dad is calling him a dud without even meeting him. It sounds like you need to get their approval, and that's a lot of pressure to put on any guy that you date. What would happen if the guy meets your parents and your dad, and possibly your mom as well, still thinks he's a dud? Would you stop dating him, or would you try to "improve" him to meet your parent's standards, by trying to "un-dud" him?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 22
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/9/2016 7:17:35 AM
He doesn't care about you, and you don't care about how he feels about meeting your parents.

If you expressed that meeting your parents is important for you, yet he makes no provisions or accommodations to make that happen (being that the friend is available all the time), then he doesn't care about you, does not care about what you consider to be important and want from him.

He has expressed apprehension in meeting your parents with the whole "um hummmmm" bit, yet you are insisting to do something against his will. It's like dragging a man to an Opera when he has no appreciation for it, it won't be enjoyable, and he's going to have a face like a foot all throughout.

So just because you've met his parents (parents which are his, and he knows them, and are probably cool and used to meeting his girlfriends/casual hookup), does not mean that now he has to meet yours. It's only been a couple of months, why don't you wait until things look more solid and you know him a little better before you decide that it is imperative for him to meet your parents?

Unfortunately for most parents, particularly the parent's of the girl/woman in question, if he does not have enough respect for their daughter to come and meet with them, he is a loser and does not deserve their daughter. My parents used to be like that so I understand what they are talking about when call him a "dud". That system ended in my household when my father passed away (I was 13), so I never had to go through the whole system as I didn't have a boyfriend till I was 16. My oldest sister was not that lucky, lmao.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 23
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Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/9/2016 7:31:31 AM
At close to 40, I do not think meeting the parents should be that important especially after such a short period of dating. You should not be telling your parents his lame ass excuse either, that is for you and him to discuss not Mommy and Daddy. If you are going to meet a life partner, then your parents opinions need to be secondary to yours and his. There cannot be any 'not fairs' or I do it for you so you have to do it for me. Adults do not always do what you want them to do.
That being said he needs to recognize that for some reason this meetup it is important to you. If he is too thick to see that it is causing an issue, then he is not really the man for you, is he?
 scm600
Joined: 3/14/2010
Msg: 24
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/9/2016 7:59:22 AM
I think he's acting like a dud. Age doesn't matter when it comes to meeting the parents. Or anyone else that's important to the person you're dating. I'm 60 and if the woman I'm dating wants me to meet her parents, I go. It has nothing to do with being approved. It's because it's important to her. Some families are close.
If something important is happening on the chosen date, I would decline but offer alternate dates. But watching Star Trek or any other show that can be watched at another time? You gotta be kidding me.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
Is meeting your buddy more important than meeting your girlfriend's parents?
Posted: 2/9/2016 8:18:51 AM
I feel more comfortable meeting someone's cat or dog. They are easier to impress and don't care if you say something inappropriate.
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