Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > someone with a terminal illness      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Tiges62
Joined: 2/8/2016
Msg: 5
someone with a terminal illnessPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
No I'm afraid I wouldn't get involved with someone who had a terminal illness either. I've already lost my husband to Cancer and I would never want to deliberately put myself through that kind of pain again
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 6
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 3:28:32 AM
In the past, I think I would have said no, only because I couldn't bear watching somebody I love die. In reality, I have watched a number of loved ones and friends pass away and it was soul destroying; but I still did it. Why send somebody off to their personal maker without a loving heart and hand, is what I feel about how I''d handle things...

A terminally ill person is a whole person, first, before any illness and with his illness. It'd be a different kind of a relationship (maybe the greatest)...and if I wanted to be with him because I enjoyed who he is as a whole, why not? We're not guaranteed our next breath.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 7
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 5:32:23 AM
hi OP
You mean what when you say involved? Dating - yes I would. Living together/marriage - no I would not.
Your illness does not define you :/ I wish you that 30 years
 sillysarainsask
Joined: 1/12/2016
Msg: 8
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 5:35:49 AM
Yes, I did. He died January 2013. It was only a year. That year was a gift. I would do it again. Many couldn't or wouldn't.

Good luck OP.
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 9
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 7:03:19 AM
Me personally, no. I spent many many years in hospitals with both husband and daughter- it just is something I would never put myself through again knowingly.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 10
view profile
History
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 7:12:36 AM
Cancer changes a person - both inside and out. If this is some new that you really don't have a working knowledge of how they tick, you're never going to know. Outside of being a nursing-assistant type of companion, you really have no business trying to invest emotionally in someone who's own sanity is being ripped to shreds by disease.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 11
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 7:13:45 AM
sorry about the prognosis, must be maddening not to get a more definite answer. As for the dating issue, it takes a special mindset...you don't really need the job of being their shoulder to cry on at the same time you want one yourself.
 lil_poppy
Joined: 1/18/2016
Msg: 15
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 8:19:46 AM

Cancer changes a person - both inside and out. If this is some new that you really don't have a working knowledge of how they tick, you're never going to know. Outside of being a nursing-assistant type of companion, you really have no business trying to invest emotionally in someone who's own sanity is being ripped to shreds by disease.


Or, you could just go out with a person who isn't sick and hope they aren't a d!ck. Some show that they are a d!ck quickly, some hide it well.

I'll take a known disease over the chance of being with a d!ck any time.

Really, you couldn't have just said "I don't think I could do that".
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 16
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 8:41:06 AM
+1
what is this sanity ripped to shreds stuff?
 yougotmeakitten
Joined: 8/30/2014
Msg: 17
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 9:02:24 AM
OP, I am probably the last person who should be posting about this right now. My experience is still very fresh but I can say that I highly doubt I would ever get involved in that kind of situation again.

I do think that the situation, while being very tender and binding, also allows for a great amount of denial in the absence of hard answers because the "well" partner does not want to rock the boat or cause stress. I can not see letting myself become that vulnerable again. Not because I don't care or have a heart, but because you lose yourself in their world as it takes over.

Hope this helps.

LePew
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 18
view profile
History
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 9:11:47 AM
Yes I would if I liked the person & their companionship. We are all going to die, I've been told I'm going to die soon for so many years that I don't even hear it anymore. I was extremely close to death in 2005, but here I still am. On the other hand I know many people who have died who seemed much healthier than me. You just never know. If I liked someone and wanted to date them, then I would.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 19
view profile
History
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 9:19:40 AM
I find it difficult to imagine that a person with a terminal illness would have enough free emotional and mental space to invest the time and energy needed to establish a new romantic relationship.

So, my answer is, I probably wouldn't, for the same (or similar) reasons that I wouldn't get involved with a person who is in the middle of (or only recently out of) a divorce or in the middle of any number of other overwhelming and all-consuming life circumstances).

That said, I was always open to actually getting to know the person enough to see what their true situation was, which is why I got involved with a man who lived 200 miles away, whose divorce had only been final for less than two months when we met, and who had two very young children. None of these things were in any way preferences for me, but in his particular case, as it turned out, they weren't deal breakers, either.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 21
view profile
History
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 11:54:59 AM

would you get involved with someone you knew wouldn't be there a month or six months or 4 years from now?

A month? EXTREMELY UNLIKELY. They're likely on their death bed or could die at any moment. I guess if she was (still) hot by some extreme rarity and I knew her over the years and she asked me to give her pleasure or something, and functionally as a person is the same as someone walking down the street, I certainly wouldn't deny if single. I'd be a hypocrite, as I'd want the same too!

6 months to live? Assuming she was seemingly fine & mobile and all that (in any of these scenarios) and would be pretty much up until the end, with stipulations to be not more than FWB (but a good Friend), OK. It wouldn't go the whole 6 months most likely... more like a few months of some dating, and the latter 3 months being someone to lean on before passing.

4 years? Probably not -- that'd be more emotionally dangerous.

But for all practical purposes -- likely not.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 22
view profile
History
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/12/2016 11:10:02 PM
As I bump up agin the 60 yo ceiling, I've taken to asking some interesting questions: this one is not too dissimilar from some thoughts that have been rattlin around.
Would I?
Date a woman who was terminal in a month - that's an inane question, if she was a woman I was close to I would be there for comfort, not dating.
A year? depends on the illness; but my gut feeling is probably not in that my understanding is that an illness with that near a checkout date is going to be presenting fairly soon, if not already. Again, there for comfort, not dating.
5 years? Ah! Ya know, that crane fell in NYC this week killing a man. Who knew. Jim Fixx died while running. Who knew? I could stroke out tomorrow, or next year - who knows? In five years there could be a cure for the trouble at hand. A lot can happen in 5+ years.

TK
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 23
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/13/2016 1:54:19 AM

Death is but a door.


Yes.


One day my body will just stop.


This will happen to all of us.

I could die in my sleep; from an illness; a plane crash; I walk a lot so getting hit by a car is possible; I could have an asthma attack and suddenly die; I could die by somebody whom i thought I could trust. Anything at any time could happen.

While you're living on this Earth, live.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 24
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 2/15/2016 3:22:45 PM
the hospitalist overseeing my mother's last days phrased it as, life is a book and the last chapter should be written as well as the other chapters. If death is a door, is it OK for it to hit us in the ass on the way out? :)
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 26
view profile
History
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/22/2016 10:40:57 AM

If death is a door, is it OK for it to hit us in the ass on the way out? :)

It does. It's called the insurance bill.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 27
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/22/2016 12:13:14 PM
It looks like someone just saw Sweet November.

I would not be interested in totally immersing myself in forging a real relationship with someone I knew has a terminal illness from the onset. If its something that comes up later on in the relationship and feelings are already invested, yes, I'd have no choice because it is not their illness I fell in love with, it is them.

To jump into something like that would mean (for me) a constant battle to not develop deep feelings for that person, keeping it in the back of my mind that this relationship has an actual and real expiration date.

Then again, there are a lot of things that do not get revealed from the very onset, that would have otherwise had influenced someone into not getting involved.

I have a hard time imagining what exactly does someone who is about to die has to offer someone else who will have to deal with that loss thereafter. Like how can the other person be the focus or have any focus in that setting, when you're reminded of your mortality constantly? Sounds selfish.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 28
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/22/2016 9:39:46 PM
Belle Atlantic you said something that surprised me. You said" what exactly does someone who is about to die has to offer someone else who will have to deal with that loss thereafter. Like how can the other person be the focus in that setting, when you're reminded of your mortality constantly. Sounds selfish."

I was married for 34 years to a doctor. Within a very short time he developed liver failure ( which is not uncommon) and was number one on the south texas transplant list in the hospital for one week.. He died on Christmas day because of an infection and there were no liver donations in that week.

His death was a struggle for many of us and very sad for my grown children. I am reminded now of my mortality.

He could not get resurrected by a transplant. If any of you are religious, Christ was resurrected on Easter day.I am not particularly religious but HAPPY EASTER!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/23/2016 7:18:52 AM

I was married for 34 years to a doctor. Within a very short time he developed liver failure...


There's a difference between spending over half of your life being married to someone who ends up getting sick versus meeting someone who is on gravely ill from the get-go. Another concern is if someone is that sick, it's likely they are sedated or medicated. That means their ability to make rational decisions could be impaired, or could even be hallucinating at times. I don't know how anyone in that condition could even think about any dating prospects. It's probably more of a case of someone not wanting to die alone, and wanting someone by their bedside when they take their last breath.
 cassie2425
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 30
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/23/2016 7:41:39 AM
We never know where we will draw our line in the sand.

My mother had alzheimer's. My Dad was pretty much her sole caregiver until she died. It was horrid. I don't want to ever put someone through that. Could I be the caregiver, no, not like my Dad. I would have put Mom in a care home about 5 years before she died...once she stopped recognizing her children.

I used to work with someone that got ALS, the slow kind, whatever its called. I see her struggle with movement, she still walks with a cane and she now uses a motorized chair for shopping or travelling. She's divorced and I can't quite see anyone wanting to take on that challenge. The same would apply with some other disabilities that get worse, like MS. Would you take on someone with MS or ALS or some sort of disability that will only get worse?

I think until we are actually faced with it, we truly don't know where we will draw our line in the sand. I do know that if I was partnered, I'd care for that partner to the best of my abilities and get the best assistance I could for the person I love.

And, if my partner decided that enough was enough and wanted an assisted suicide, I'd support that as well. It is another choice I would like if I was ill.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 31
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/23/2016 8:55:43 AM

There's a difference between spending over half of your life being married to someone who ends up getting sick versus meeting someone who is on gravely ill from the get-go. Another concern is if someone is that sick, it's likely they are sedated or medicated. That means their ability to make rational decisions could be impaired, or could even be hallucinating at times. I don't know how anyone in that condition could even think about any dating prospects. It's probably more of a case of someone not wanting to die alone, and wanting someone by their bedside when they take their last breath.


Exactly what my reply would have been.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 32
view profile
History
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/23/2016 9:14:07 AM

We never know where we will draw our line in the sand.


Right.

My girl friend survived ovarian cancer. She was lucky, the tumor was carcinoid, caught early, very little chance of recurrence. That was more than five years ago so in the world of oncology, she's considered "cured".

But, change up the facts. If the tumor was carcinoma instead, the likelihood of recurrence goes up. Still ... five years out, so yeah, I still would have started the relationship.

How about carcinoma, finished chemo 12 months ago and she's NED? Now what do I do? I have no idea.

How about carcinoma, stage 4, in a clinical trial and NED on the last scan? Death sentence? Who knows? Start a relationship?

Probably not. But how do I know?
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 33
view profile
History
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/23/2016 12:39:23 PM
silverford,

Look into Rick Simpson hemp oil. I would.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmYNLNF7NBw
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 34
someone with a terminal illness
Posted: 3/23/2016 12:48:39 PM
My sister survived ovarian cancer two times. I have a friend who is now very recently in remission from stage four ovarian cancer. She is a very attractive and intelligent woman. Her hair is growing back. Her energy levels are up but honestly, she has no idea how long she will live. She is in her 60's and divorced. She is always interested in who I am dating, not that I have had much personal success with dating. But she would like a man in her life, some companionship. Not marriage, but companionship.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > someone with a terminal illness