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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own an      Home login  
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 Treyseph84
Joined: 7/17/2012
Msg: 1
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
One problem I found with dating single moms, is I want to kids someday and a lot of them don't. Especially since I'm 31, trying to find a woman wants kids has gotten more challenging since younger ones are harder to get a hold of. I don't mind step kids, but would like to have one or two of my own.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/26/2016 3:37:58 PM
Yup. It's ok to want what you want.

Of course every choice you make has consequences, and eliminating a large group of people will probably result in you finding fewer matches. But, a deal breaker is a deal breaker, and you have very right to date those who tick your boxes.
 Treyseph84
Joined: 7/17/2012
Msg: 3
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/26/2016 3:57:24 PM
Are you saying that's a bad thing? What does tick your boxes mean?
 Treyseph84
Joined: 7/17/2012
Msg: 4
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/26/2016 4:07:24 PM
If they 3 or more kids I tend to stay away from them for that reason and because it's really hard to schedule dates when they have that many.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 5
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/26/2016 7:42:09 PM
Treyseph84- There is nothing wrong with wanting children of your own, this is a compatibility issue.
If you want more children and they don't, that's what I call a "non starter", in other words, you might as well not even try because you know from the beginning it isn't going to work.
One thing- It bothers me that you say, "I don't mind step kids."
It's the "I don't mind" line, almost like you worry saying "I don''t mind if she has a pet, or I don't mind if she snores."
Children, although children, are STILL human beings.
These children, while not yours, will notice and be affected, if a difference is shown between "hers" and "your's".
Children should NOT be considered, by ANYONE, to be an after thought.
An, "Oh, I will deal with this AFTER we are committed/married."
No, that is putting the cart before the horse.
"Those kids she had before she met you." are STILL people, they will see, and be affected if they know you don't care about them.
IF you are going to get involved with someone who has children, even if they have an active father in their lives, you should be prepared to love them the same as you love their mom.
If you can not do that, look for someone who is childless and wants children the same as you do.
Children have feelings and they are NOT an afterthought.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 6
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/26/2016 7:46:55 PM
Agree completely with what Bamagirl said. That's why I would not want to be with someone who still wants kids, because my kids are not going to be the step children in the shadow of the "golden biological child" that is born after them. If he has kids already, that would be my preferred situation.
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 7
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/27/2016 1:37:03 AM
You're not rejecting them; you're just moving to the next profile that interests you.

You're young and you want children. Of course you want to be with somebody who wants kids!

So go and find that lady!

All of my best
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 8
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/27/2016 1:43:02 AM
{quote] Are you saying that's a bad thing? What does tick your boxes mean?

No -- she's not insinuating that. It just means that for your choices, there are consequences that will narrow your dating pool, considerably. It means you may not find the lady of your dreams in short order; it'll take some time and you might have to deal with some loneliness in the interim. No biggie -- you're only 31.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/27/2016 6:28:43 AM
It's sounds to me, OP, as though you are reacting to the frustration of others you run across, who are on the other side of your own wishes and desires.

It might be the single most common general complaint that people with a hunger of any kind make, that it is "wrong" for others to deny them what they yearn for.

Every group or category of humans you can imagine, will have within them, those who will react with anger or righteous indignation, whenever someone else doesn't choose to help them. You may even find yourself reacting that way to someone else one day, over some other aspect of your own life.

It is one of the common little frailties of humanity, which I would humbly suggest should simply be recognized and as gently and gracefully as possible, tolerated.
 Treyseph84
Joined: 7/17/2012
Msg: 10
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/27/2016 8:54:17 AM
Sorry, I should have phrased it better. That wasn't I meant. What I meant is would give it chance for her and them. Sorry if I came off as indifferent.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 11
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/27/2016 10:39:19 AM
It's highly individual. Not everyone likes or wants kids, not everyone wants kids around, period. Just keep looking for someone who wants what you want.
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 12
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/27/2016 6:38:08 PM
Everyone has their preferences. I don't believe it is wrong to reject someone over preferences. You know what you want and why should you settle?

Good luck OP
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 13
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/27/2016 8:58:40 PM

Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
It would be wrong not to reject them. Why waste their time and emotions if you know that ultimately you won't continue into a long term relationship with them?

The desire to have children is very strong and very important. Don't sacrifice your need for your own children if it is part of who you are. AS you get older, if you don't find the woman of your dreams, you may have to re-think your decision but for now, you have time to keep looking for exactly what you want.
 Canandaigua_Momma
Joined: 12/16/2015
Msg: 14
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/27/2016 9:09:57 PM
TO: Treyseph84

Your desire to have your own biological children is perfectly valid.
Search for the woman whom you feel is the best match for you.
As others have said, you can adjust your parameters as you see fit.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/28/2016 7:30:56 AM
Keep looking, don't compromise. Raising other people's children is tough, so unless you are 100% in, it is unfair to everyone involved. Wanting biological children is a very valid desire.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 16
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/29/2016 7:13:25 PM
treyseph84- You don't have to apologize for wanting children.
My concern was that you seem way more focused on the mom.
I think that's a mistake a lot of people make.
Getting into a relationship with a single parent means having a relationship with their children.
Children don't get enough credit for being thinking, feeling individuals.
I just wanted to point out that I think it's important to take the children into as much consideration as you do yourself and their mom.
A woman that is done having children is not for you, since you want one of your own.
It's just important that if you do attempt this blending of families, that you be sensitive to showing a difference between "hers" and "ours".
Children are perceptive and they WILL know, so just think about that going forward.
 8inscrew
Joined: 11/17/2014
Msg: 17
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 2/29/2016 10:17:50 PM
Adopt. Adapt. Ramrod your life. Experience.
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 18
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 3/3/2016 7:53:01 PM

One problem I found with dating single moms, is I want to kids someday and a lot of them don't. Especially since I'm 31, trying to find a woman wants kids has gotten more challenging since younger ones are harder to get a hold of. I don't mind step kids, but would like to have one or two of my own.


The family unit single moms desire is you becoming the father figure for the kids she has already created. They are counting down the days for her kids to leave the nest. The last thing they want is to have more kids and reset the hour glass.

Find a childless women.
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 19
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 3/4/2016 2:03:09 AM
^^

Is there really anything wrong with that? If she loves him AND he's a good match for the family (good provider, kind, loving)? I was one of those young, single parents who got married and went on to have a second child. My children have a close bond with one another (and to their parents).
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 20
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 3/4/2016 6:56:39 PM


Is there really anything wrong with that? If she loves him AND he's a good match for the family (good provider, kind, loving)? I was one of those young, single parents who got married and went on to have a second child. My children have a close bond with one another (and to their parents).


No, not at all. However the OP is talking about women who have kids and do not want more.

He said he was fine having a child with someone who already children. Someone who, like you, had a child and then had another child together that provided the glue to solidify the new family unit.

Since he was having such bad odds pursuing single moms that more often then not did not want more children, I was advising him to just look for childless women. Some single moms in his dating range who don't want more children may claim to be open for more kids so they don't disqualify themselves from a significant portion of the quality male dating pool. ( guys without kids obviously are more likely to have more disposable income). I just didn't want to see him end up losing the remainder of his prime reproductive years on lost causes.
 Peter_Hungus
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 21
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 3/4/2016 7:23:40 PM

That's why I would not want to be with someone who still wants kids, because my kids are not going to be the step children in the shadow of the "golden biological child" that is born after them. If he has kids already


A good point. This plays out not only with half-siblings, but for step-siblings as well.

I have guy friends with kids who have divorced and started dating again. They would date other divorced women with kids and all would be going well. Once they started to cohabitate then they saw issues like you had mentioned. "His kids" "her kids", you don't acknowledge mine when you have yours for the weekend. What a mess.

A lot of the time perceived favoritism is thought even when it doesn't exist. Just human nature I guess. That's why if I were to become single again, I would date and even commit and remain monogamous, but I wouldn't cohabitate with someone while they had school age children living at home. Particularly under high school age.
 revoskeepnus
Joined: 8/4/2015
Msg: 22
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Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 3/7/2016 6:50:40 PM
If you want more kids, find someone that wants kids. If she's clipped... yer in trouble. If you really want to have more kids, they can reverse tubals for 10K.

I"m not fixed, don't particularly want more kids, but didn't exactly plan for the ones I Have either so...

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting someone based on something like that, and you ahven't waited too long either.
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 23
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 3/10/2016 3:40:38 AM

I just didn't want to see him end up losing the remainder of his prime reproductive years on lost causes.


You mean liars? I agree.
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 24
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 3/10/2016 3:43:44 AM

A lot of the time perceived favoritism is thought even when it doesn't exist. Just human nature I guess. That's why if I were to become single again, I would date and even commit and remain monogamous, but I wouldn't cohabitate with someone while they had school age children living at home. Particularly under high school age.


Your choice. (And I don't blame you.)
 cassie2425
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 25
Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?
Posted: 3/14/2016 9:43:09 AM
I think the main thing to ask is - do you want more children?

You should have what you want. I think it's nice that you wouldn't mind helping raise your future partners child/children from a previous relationship, but if you want your own, go for it and find what you want.
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Is it wrong to reject single moms if you want children of your own and they don't?