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 BattleFader
Joined: 10/12/2015
Msg: 1
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hello there, I met this wonderful person and we grew quite fond of each other recently. We expressed each other feelings and they are the same. She's basically the inverse to what my ex was. Upbright, full of life, excited and ecstatic into knowing everything about me and i'm so happy about that :) Nevertheless, I never have dated a mother but I love kids. I'm already the godfather of both my nephew and niece so i'm used to kids. The other problem is she seem to be going fast with the relationship and I feel somewhat rushed. I told her already that I enjoy taking my time in a realtionship and knowing the person but... I feel rushed somehow. She wants to meet already her parents, I don't know how many friends and she wants to plan to go to a resort/retreat already for the next month.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 2
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/16/2016 1:10:34 PM
If you can't handle it, pull out now or speak up. Let her know that it feel likes its too rushed and that you would prefer to spend some time getting to know her on an individual basis before incorporating her family and friends.

She is simply making you part of her life and showing that she is serious about you. She is likely very sociable and family-oriented, and that may not be your strong suit.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 3
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/16/2016 2:05:48 PM
We don't know the history/timeline of how you got to your current situation. 'Recently' could mean two weeks ago, or last summer. How many dates has there been? How many hours / days / nights have you spent together? Have you already met the kids?

You can't really gauge 'rushed' by a specific number of dates, how much money you've spent or how soon you got to 2nd base, or anything like that. It's more about a comfort level you feel, and obviously you know it feels like its going too quick. It's tough to spell it out sometimes to the other person, but you DO have to tell them.

The important part of telling them how you feel - is honesty. NEVER tell them what you 'think' they want to hear, because that's very disrespectful. They need to know and understand your words and feelings. Some may not. Keep in mind, her intentions may be very well placed, and this may not be rushed because she's intentionally forcing it. People DO get hurt when they realize things aren't working as well as they should, so be aware that how you say it matters as much as what you say.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/16/2016 2:08:43 PM
You haven't specified the amount of time or number or character of dates you've had. That makes things difficult to guess about.

However, it is very important that you only allow things to move at YOUR pace. This is true no matter who is, or seems to be in a rush.

The main thing to be concerned about, when someone is moving too quickly, is that the reason they get along with and like you so much, is that they have you confused with someone else. Most commonly, either their ex, or the much yearned for reverse of their ex.

There is rarely any good reason to hurry things. Unless your hope is to get things over with quickly, set your own pace. If the other person becomes impatient, it means that they DON'T actually like YOU, to begin with. If they do actually like you, all will go well.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 5
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/16/2016 6:47:27 PM
I dont know how many kids this woman has but maybe she is looking for you to support her once you are qualified.
If you feel it is too rushed, then say so. I presume she is in her mid twenties or thereabouts. T hat which starts quickly and is ecstatic and excited often burns out quickly so be careful.

Taking on a woman with kids of her own already can be difficult as you cannot discipline or control them like their real father can. They would resent it and may even resent you.

You dont say how long you have known her but going away for a month to a retreat may be too much right now. Will the kids be coming along? Does she want you to pay for everything or is she
going to pay her share??
 sactownromantic
Joined: 6/14/2015
Msg: 6
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/16/2016 7:22:34 PM
As others have said: move the relationship at YOUR pace, tell her how you feel.
Since you didn't give us much details how long you have dated then our advice is limited. If you have been dating for several months then meeting the parents and planning trips is normal, if you have only known her for two weeks then she is rushing it.

I have total respect for single mothers but there are a lot of gold diggers out there looking for someone to take care of them, if you are ok with taking on all that responsibility then go for it.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 7
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/16/2016 7:45:52 PM
BattleFader- She isn't a mind reader, you need to tell HER this.
I am always wary when people want to rush things, especially if we just started seeing each other, so I can relate to your discomfort.
Open up to her and be honest about how you feel. Tell her that you like her and are enjoying her company and would like to keep things going, but that you aren't ready to meet her parents and that you want to take your time getting to know her.
As Igor said, IF she is really into YOU, she will understand and respect your feelings. If she is the type that is in love with falling in love, she will continue to pressure you, or possibly even threaten to not see you again. If that happens, exit stage left, quickly.
True love takes time to develop and it also stands the test of time, which is why there is NO need to rush!
 Angel_Feet
Joined: 3/13/2016
Msg: 8
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/16/2016 7:57:33 PM
OP, be honest...you like here, but...if u were really into her, YOU WOULD BE SUGGESTING ALL THE THINGS SHE HAS...not the other way around.

Don't waste her time.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 9
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/16/2016 8:09:20 PM
Angel Feet- ^^^^Sorry, I don't agree with you.
She does have a right to her feelings, but so does HE.
Just because he isn't rushing things doesn't mean he doesn't like her.
It actually tells me he's pretty smart.
 springorfall
Joined: 5/17/2015
Msg: 10
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/17/2016 7:38:43 AM
tell her that you're feeling rushed. That you like her but don't want to move so quickly. Don't leave things up in the air or repress feelings, otherwise there'll be resentment and frustration all around.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 11
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/17/2016 8:51:13 AM

I never have dated a mother but I love kids. I'm already the godfather of both my nephew and niece so i'm used to kids. The other problem is she seem to be going fast


Let me read into this. The FIRST problem is that she is a mother? Have you met her kids?

Okay, here's your reality check. She is a mother. Hopefully a good one. Your reality check is this, she may like you, she may even eventually love you, but her kids are ALWAYS going to come first. So you need to look inside of yourself and see if this is something that you're ready for or not. If the answer is NOT, you need to end this before it moves any further. If the answer is yes. Then go slow into it.

I am in a relationship with a woman that has two children. I knew going in that they would be part of the package. But, unlike you, I had experience. In my previous relationship, her two kids called me dad. I played that role for several years, so when I decided to date a mom again, I was well aware of the package deal and I was actually looking forward to it.

Rewind the tape many years to a time I dated a particular woman, and when I met her kids, it freaked me out. It freaked me out, because they were so spoiled, and I could not for the world wrap myself around being close to those monsters.

Move back to the present, my fiance's children needed the presence of a man, discipline, a tougher hand around. WE had at some point that talk and she not only accepted it, but welcome it.

So if you decide to move forward with this woman, realize that you are going to have to behave like a dad. If you're not ready for that, stop right now, and date a woman with no children.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 12
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/17/2016 9:46:46 AM
Somewhat similar situation, but opposite.
My daughter-in-laws', male cousin, hot lookin' guy in his mid 30's, divorced for approx 2 years, shares physical custody of 2 mid aged children, with his ex. He met a gal, (?)early 30's, also (?)divorced, no children. They dated, she met his kids, they all fell in love, she meets his family, she moved stuff into his home, he bought a ring for her, .................

She left him, would not return his phone calls, he returns her things to her parents home, she finally contacts him. "So sorry, I'm not ready to get married/be married, the kids, blah blah, but ....................maybe I might change my mind."

I realize relationships are not "set in stone", but when children are involved, it is even more important to take things slowly.
Children CHANGE the dynamics of a relationship between a man and woman. Until you have "Been there", you really have little to no idea what it entails to be, "A parent".

When I met my 2nd husband, he was a mid 30's, never married/no children type of man. Within the first 5 min. of meeting him he knew I had 2 mid aged children.
Early on he stated, "I don't want to have any kids". I grilled him. "You knew from the first 5 min after we met, that I have 2 children. We come as a package." He had to clarify for me, "I don't want or feel the need to have children of my own. I don't want any babies."
I waited for months to introduce him to my kids and then, ONLY then, AFTER he convinced me he could love my kids.

We divorced for 2 reasons. Failure to adjust to parenthood, and just plain "Failure".

OP if you are hesitant now? Back away.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 13
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/17/2016 10:36:42 AM
Some people have real problems like not being able to get dates or find a match.

That said, it's better to wait 6 months to meet friends and family.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 14
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/17/2016 12:19:31 PM

Hello there, I met this wonderful person and we grew quite fond of each other recently. ... I never have dated a mother but I love kids. … The other problem is she seem to be going fast with the relationship and I feel somewhat rushed. I told her already that I enjoy taking my time in a realtionship and knowing the person. ... She wants to meet already her parents, I don't know how many friends and she wants to plan to go to a resort/retreat already for the next month.

Is she the separated woman you posted about last month? If so, please keep in mind that she is still a married woman. Be prepared for potential drama, problems with the children's father(s), financial issues, emotional upsets, and other challenges that can happen during separations and divorce proceedings. If her separation is relatively new, her family and friends might have mixed reactions to meeting you.

Has she or her husband filed for divorce?

 BattleFader
Joined: 10/12/2015
Msg: 15
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/17/2016 1:09:00 PM
Firstly, thank you so much for your replies and feedback. It really means quite a lot. Now to set the clock straight! I started talking to her a month and a half on another website. She wasn't on every day and she even disappeared during a week and i honestly thought she stopped for good. I was about to call it quits too, to be honest. I already knew that she had kids and I decided to give it a chance as I saw that she was so ecstatic to meet me and to learn about me. Note that she was single as she no longer is with the father of her children. Not only I met her but once and at the second time stuff happened.. By the third week she made me meet some of her friends already in which I was a bit shy. Right now, i'm with her and made it official in which I have no problem but I require time to understand her, to get to know her. Now she want to hold and plan a meeting with her family and plan a weekend spa/retreat during the next month. I find the spa/retreat a bit too much to be honest. Not to mention to costly. Yesterday I met her and told her about meeting her friends and family making me uncomfortable. She totally understood about that but then... she confessed to me something that summoned old ghosts.. She told me that she has psychological issues, that she takes medication and have meetings with a therapist. My ex had similar problems and in the end, being comprehensible about her problems and accepting her faults wounded me. My old posts resume quite my past ordeals with her.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 16
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/17/2016 1:40:07 PM

Now she want to hold and plan a meeting with her family and plan a weekend spa/retreat during the next month. I find the spa/retreat a bit too much to be honest.


So, have you met the kids? Have you done activities that involve them. To me that is the next step. Not meeting the family. Tell her that you want to move slower. Not with her but with all the other people.

Now, what type of psychological issues does she have? Realize that many people go to therapy for all types of reasons. I go to therapy myself, even though I have reduce it to once a month. What type of medication is she taking, Addaral? Does she have bipolar, ADD, clinical depression?
 sactownromantic
Joined: 6/14/2015
Msg: 17
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/17/2016 2:21:01 PM

she confessed to me something that summoned old ghosts.. She told me that she has psychological issues, that she takes medication and have meetings with a therapist.


While I value her honesty I would run, you don't need all that drama in your life. You are only 28, there are plenty of women in your age bracket that don't have kids and mental problems.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 18
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/18/2016 12:57:59 PM
I think this is one of those scenarios seen too often. OP if you're not comfortable enough to talk to her about this, then you have to question if you should continue with her or not. Like someone said, she can't read your mind and can't know what you're feeling unless you tell her.

You may as well get used to talking to the person you're either dating or starting to see about how you feel and think even if it's a topic that isn't all about how wonderful they are. You BOTH need to be happy with the pace or speed and how it's flowing....or not....and talking about it doesn't mean it's the END. If it is, then wouldn't you rather know that she may be indifferent to how you feel now rather than spend another few months or weeks? You could be surprised, she may be very understanding.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 19
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/18/2016 2:46:16 PM

Your reality check is this, she may like you, she may even eventually love you, but her kids are ALWAYS going to come first.

Well, even if they were his kids, too -- the kids "come first", for the father, too. Although people's dating greed can make that sometimes fly over people's heads, I think most people get it -- which is why they pause to date guys or gals with kids when they don't have any (or they have theirs already grown up and not kids anymore).

I think his main concern is that she's wanting a full-court press in general! :) Usually the gals who carry out the "my kids come first!" battle-cry in their profiles run into guys who want to go out / spend time together when she feasible can't due to kids. The OP's concern is the opposite -- she's wanting to spend too 'heavy time' too soon.

By the third week she made me meet some of her friends already in which I was a bit shy.

That isn't necessarily a bad thing. If you've already had a few dates and hitting it off, it doesn't mean all that much. I mean, many times we Initially Meet women amongst many of their friends (picking girl up from bar or event). If the atmosphere feels like they're presenting you to their friends as "Here's My Next LTR!" or "I want friends approval!", as opposed to "Here's a guy I've gone out on a few dates with," after you go out for dinner to meet up with to have some drinks & mingle -- then it's a turn-off. But not mingling with their friends in and of itself at all.

Now she want to hold and plan a meeting with her family and plan a weekend spa/retreat during the next month.

Meet the family? You mean her kids, or more than that? Either way, I'd hold off on meeting kids. I'd tell her there's no need for a rush. Let's just relax, take it easy, and enjoy spending time and getting to know each other. Best not to meet-the-kids for many months -- or to have a big family intro to others for some time either.

Yesterday I met her and told her about meeting her friends and family making me uncomfortable. She totally understood about that

If merely meeting friends was "too much too quick" after a few weeks of you two hitting it off quite well, then intro-to-family should be out of the picture. I don't think mingling with friends should be an issue. Going out and having drinks together post-dinner shouldn't always have to be purely 1-on-1.

She told me that she has psychological issues, that she takes medication and have meetings with a therapist.

Well, what kind? :) I think you're not in a quagmire. You're in a very simple situation. Hey, we hit it off, you have some issues and you see a therapist -- even more reason that we should just take it easy. One shouldn't want a Relationship for the sake of being in one, to fill some void they may be feeling. They should Not want one in and of itself (with an insert-person-here). That's having issues. Sometimes we unknowingly flow in that direction too fast without thinking about it. It shouldn't be too uncomfortable to tell the gal that you don't want to go to any big weddings, family get-togethers, spend-time-with-her-kids yet... just the same as after 5 months you wouldn't want to move in together.

It doesn't sound like you have a battle with her Pushing to do too much. Heck, she even understands that meeting her friends may have been -- so you're seemingly in a good spot. I think your main concern is how emotionally stable/compatible she is for the long haul. That's what dating is about though. Feeling your way thru it all. :)
 BattleFader
Joined: 10/12/2015
Msg: 20
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/18/2016 3:29:29 PM

So you 'made it official' and 'stuff happened' .

If I am reading your post correctly, you have told her you will be her BF and had sex with her? But are uncomfortable meeting her family or traveling with her, AND as an added bonus you just discovered that she has psychological issues that reason medication and therapy.
You are a 28 year old man. If you do not want something, like a 'relationship' you should speak up and allow your balls to lead you and not your d1ck.




Do understand that she's a wonderful girl that I got to know and yes, I love her! My ex had A LOT of issues and maybe even her meds affected her behavior and feelings... Somewhat I feel that she goes toward the same pattern as my ex. Going at full throttle only to burn off at the end. This is the reason I want to go at it slowly. I already met one of her kids and they are just adorable ^^
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/18/2016 4:33:11 PM
The last thing a person with mental issues and in therapy needs is a co-dependent jumping on the train. The fact that you are so willing to say you love someone you barely know and jump on the train with her, say a whole lot about you. Get some professional therapy, let her work on her problems with her therapist, and stop trying to make a relationship out of nothing but drama and desperation.
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 22
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/18/2016 4:52:04 PM
Every situation is different but it does not bode well that you are making comparisons to your ex.
Can you deal with this new woman in a fresh light, or will you always be comparing everything?
Not all psych issues are the same and I bet you would be shocked to find out seemingly normal, stable people that you know are on meds, in therapy, or both. Ask her about it.

How long have you been single? Is this a rebound?

This woman is moving things too fast for your comfort which reminds you of your ex. Did you start making the comparisons before or after she told you about being on meds?
It is your job to slow things down if that's what you need.
Find out why she is moving so fast. Is she just excited or does she for attachments too quickly?
Go away for a weekend when you feel comfortable--it's not a proposal.
Meeting friends isn't a big deal in my view either.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 23
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/18/2016 4:53:30 PM
Tada!!! As the thread unfolds, we get the whole or closer to the whole story. Wow, the drama continues........well I can say one thing, being on this forum is NOT boring!!!

I agree that having psychological issues and seeing a therapist is not necessarily a blanket throw them to the curb thing, but I think it's something that should be told straight up before you invest a good chunk of time with someone. And of course it depends on what the issue and therapy are for. I think we all have had at least periods of time where we could have benefited from some therapy but I had the same deal, fortunately I was told before I was too invested and in THIS instance I dropped the guy like a prom dress.
 BattleFader
Joined: 10/12/2015
Msg: 24
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Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/18/2016 9:02:12 PM

Every situation is different but it does not bode well that you are making comparisons to your ex.
Can you deal with this new woman in a fresh light, or will you always be comparing everything?
Not all psych issues are the same and I bet you would be shocked to find out seemingly normal, stable people that you know are on meds, in therapy, or both. Ask her about it.

How long have you been single? Is this a rebound?

This woman is moving things too fast for your comfort which reminds you of your ex. Did you start making the comparisons before or after she told you about being on meds?
It is your job to slow things down if that's what you need.
Find out why she is moving so fast. Is she just excited or does she for attachments too quickly?
Go away for a weekend when you feel comfortable--it's not a proposal.
Meeting friends isn't a big deal in my view either.


I don't like comparing people but those are facts and I clearly know that every one is different. I have been single half a year or so before going steady with her. Well.. when she said that she was on meds, it influenced to think about it.I had to tell her last time that I want to spend time more with her. She told me that she suffers from something near Bipolarity. I did not ask for further detail because admitting that is quite something to say already. I don't want the first guy to google the thing and make assumptions about it either. I do understand that's quite a "skeleton in the closet" and I don't judge her but the fact that I feel a bit rushed, that she takes meds makes me worry some a bit .



The last thing a person with mental issues and in therapy needs is a co-dependent jumping on the train. The fact that you are so willing to say you love someone you barely know and jump on the train with her, say a whole lot about you. Get some professional therapy, let her work on her problems with her therapist, and stop trying to make a relationship out of nothing but drama and desperation.


Co-dependent? We each have our own personality and a life. I'm not dependant of her and she isn't. Yes, I like her. I like her personality and her as a whole. I care for her. However, I want to go at it slowly. Like many suggested, why rush when you can appreciate the time?


Tada!!! As the thread unfolds, we get the whole or closer to the whole story. Wow, the drama continues........well I can say one thing, being on this forum is NOT boring!!!

I agree that having psychological issues and seeing a therapist is not necessarily a blanket throw them to the curb thing, but I think it's something that should be told straight up before you invest a good chunk of time with someone. And of course it depends on what the issue and therapy are for. I think we all have had at least periods of time where we could have benefited from some therapy but I had the same deal, fortunately I was told before I was too invested and in THIS instance I dropped the guy like a prom dress.
 oneday57
Joined: 10/17/2015
Msg: 25
Am I rushed or i'm overthinking?
Posted: 3/19/2016 4:42:29 AM
DUH....keep talking and let her know how ya feel....uncomfortable then if your on the same page she would be able to give you some insight...good luck!
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