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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > broadening horizons vs lowering standards      Home login  
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 scbeachguy
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 1
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broadening horizons vs lowering standardsPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
So I'm not sure what I am doing wrong but I seem to attract the guys nobody else wants. When you're constantly being hit on by nothing unattractive guys, it takes a toll on the self esteem. I have lost weight. I like to think I am handsome. Many people have told me I am but still the guys that are even slightly attractive to me always pass me by. A friend suggested going out with a guy I think is really ugly and maybe I will find something to love about him. To me, thats settling for what you dont want because you cant get what you do want. He says it is broadening horizons and learning to be attracted to all different types of guys. I d0n't think I can just train myself to be into someone I am just not into. What are your thoughts? If you think I am being shallow and self absorbed, feel free to say so.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 2
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/16/2016 9:22:51 PM
I think are bodies are equipped to tell us who to be with and vice versa. We either want to kiss someone, or there's not enough liquor in the bar. Further, they either arouse us sexually, or they don't. I'm not fighting with my own body when it comes to that. If I don't want to kiss you the first time, I certainly don't want to not be able to kiss anyone else for the rest of my life... and no, it's not trainable.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 3
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/16/2016 9:29:59 PM
I agree with Njgirl. I'm only attracted to a certain type, and there is nothing I can do about it. If you find that you can't attract the ones you're attracted to, you might have to put in a bit more effort in the looks department - gym, diet, etc. Personally, I'm only attracted to guys that are tall, dark, in shape - so in order to get that type, I better bring my A game as far as looks goes, because let's face it, looks get us in the door. That's why I exercise, diet, try to look my best. Just my perspective.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 4
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/16/2016 9:35:04 PM

I'm only attracted to guys that are tall, dark, in shape.

I've been attracted to different guys - dark, light, Asian and in between. I've had phases that have come and gone. The man I was most attracted to ever, and had deepest feelings for, was of my own ethnic background - just a neighboring country.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 5
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/16/2016 10:56:19 PM
Let me specify: when I say "dark" I mean dark hair, dark skin, regardless of race. Asians have dark hair and darker skin than me, so do black men, Latinos, and even certain caucasian men. I just love love love dark hair (pitch black preferably) and nice dark skin, from olive skin, to caramel, to ebony, you name it, as long as it is tan/dark. Just my thing, always has been.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 6
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 12:27:57 AM
I am with you karma but Asian men in general dont interest me. I dont care so much about the colour of the hair but the eyes and skin need to be dark. Just the way it is. I like them husky and dusky. Dont have to be taller than 5'9 as long as they are broad.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 7
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 9:15:45 AM
Carolann - There really are very few men that I'm attracted to. Most "regular" guys I meet every day do nothing for me. I have no desire at all to get to know them let alone date them. I'd rather spend time with my kids, my friends or my dog than with a guy who doesn't sexually turn me on, unless we are truly just friends and he's fun to be with. And I"m OK with that. I'm not looking to get married or have kids, so there is no real need for me to pair up with just some guy who doesn't really excite me. I'll keep focusing on the few ones out there that move my needle.

Letitia: I like Asian men that are built, just like any other dark and handsome guy who is built. Dusky and husky is a good way to describe it. I went out with a Pacific Islander who was less than 6 foot tall, but he was muscular and built (I could hardly hug him he was so wide). He is the sweetest guy, very respectful and I would have loved to spend more time with him, but he moved. Still Facebook friends though. A wide built definitely makes up for "lack" of height in my book. Tall and skinny is not my thing, shorter and stacked is though.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 8
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 9:52:44 AM
There's no point in dating people you're not attracted to.

In my case, I'm very lucky in that I've been attracted to men who were vastly different in looks, so I'm pretty broad. I would have said in the past that I was never attracted to fat guys, but then I met my husband, and he was definitely up there before he lost all that weight.

I guess for me it was always more about personality and definitely, intelligence - that's my kryptonite.

But I think it's worth paying attention to whether it truly is your response to the other person or if you're somehow affected by what you think other people will think of your partner. In other words, don't refrain from dating a guy because you think he's not attractive enough in some abstract sort of way. He's not a trophy. Plus, if you do that you may end up so confused that you'll date people you're not actually attracted to because you think that's who you SHOULD be dating.

And, of course the narrower your preferences are and the bigger the gap between your level of attractiveness and that which you seek, the smaller your n will be.

A highly attractive looking person (in the more general sense) who has a broad range of what they're attracted to is going to have more options than an average looking person who wants a model.

Like, Karma, I too took steps to make myself more generally attractive, but there's a limit to that, too. No guy who likes tall, buxom brunettes would have ever been attracted to me, for example.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 9
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 10:00:43 AM
Lilly, I think your hubby is very handsome. Good for you.

I've tried going out with men I didn't find attractive, but they could even sense it and backed off (most of them), so yeah, not doing that again. I'm also drawn to certain face shapes, it's hard to explain. It's either there or not, I can tell within 10 seconds of meeting someone in person if I'm physically attracted to them or not. And once I'm not, it won't change. Of course, I have also met guys who were drop dead gorgeous but then their personality was a turn off. That's why I'm still single - very hard to meet the guy that checks all my boxes, or even most of them.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 10
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 10:05:08 AM
A gal once told me of the overweight guy that dumped her after 4 dates for not having sex with him.

WTF?

Why is she dating a guy unattractive to her and how could she be 'dumped' when they didn't have anything to begin with?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 11
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 12:12:27 PM
Well, sometimes you meet people who are not your type but they grow on you over time.

My boyfriend is not my type, lol. He is slimmer than me and in shape, from a country/culture I thought I'd never date, has no hair for me to grab (on his head), and is unromantic. When I met him the first time, I thought it was going to be the first and last time, I couldn't believe how slim he appeared to be and I'm just not into that. Little by little and date after date, I got more and more curious, and realized that I really liked him, that I looked forward to getting a text message, I looked forward to spending more and more time with him. So I decided to stop being in denial and actually give him a chance, and by our 5th date, I laid the groundwork, I communicated my expectations and asked about his.

I am very much attracted to him even when he is not the type that I'd usually go for.

While you may know exactly what you're attracted to, you never know who will open your eyes to a new kind of physical attraction and experience. All I can recommend is that you go out with everybody and anybody you can see yourself establishing a conversation and sharing some time, regardless of attraction. That's what I did and I am now in a relationship, I cannot complain, he is everything and more.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 12
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 12:46:10 PM
Belle: Since you met your boyfriend through POF (I remember reading that somewhere else in the forums), out of the hundreds of emails you get, what exactly made you decide to give a chance to someone that you didn’t find attractive by your traditional standards, considering all he had was a message, pictures and a profile to work with? I’ve almost never heard of a “grow on you” situation develop by way of OLD, which tends to be very much a one strike environment – usually “grown on you” happens with co-workers, schoolmates, fellow churchgoers, etc., who are forced to get to know each other over a period of weeks, months, years. I'm not sure it would be helpful to know how this happened, though -- could be just one of those one in a million things, but I'm still curious.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 13
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 1:24:11 PM
Hawkings,

He read my profile and actually understood it. He sent me a horrifically misspelled message that was a paragraph-long. I understood the message (it's a shame I did not screen shoot it, otherwise I'd write it in here), but it was all misspelled, and his pictures did not really offer a clear view of what he looked like. I must have been bored or something that day because I replied, lmao. I pointed out the fact that the entire message is misspelled and how was he expecting me to make a decision when I couldn't even see his face clearly, that he needed to fix his profile. Oh, and he didn't have anything written on his profile.

Well, he did fix his profile after a few seconds, uploaded new pictures and asked me to view it again. I appreciated that he complied with my demands and didn't take anything I said to heart. He asked me out to dinner (and um, we all know that I love food and I skip no meals, right? lmao), and about 2 other activities and I accepted. I met him for our first date and he was extremely laid back, well dressed, well spoken, we got into talking about Engineering which is our field, and it just rolled naturally. I'm not one to agree to a second date while I'm on the first, but he was smooth enough to sneak it in and I accepted the invitation, even agreed on a day and time and everything.

Now let me be clear, I was not attracted to him from the first date on, I was intrigued with the conversation though and knew I wanted to speak to him again. It wasn't until the 3rd date that he sort of started looking extra cute and delicious in my eyes, and we briefly danced that night and well...my hands were on his body (arms, shoulders, etc). I started to get curious and wonder why the heck hasn't he made a move. I disappeared for the weekend (he dropped me off at the airport), and he proposed that we meet shortly after and said he missed hanging out with me that weekend. He surprised me in the middle of the day by telling me he was headed to his favorite restaurant (where we met for the first date), and tempted me into abandoning my job to go do my favorite activity (eating), and the time worked out, I was done with work by the time he picked me up and had a 2-3 hour gap before my next class. I figured he'd showed me a lot about himself and his willingness to do whatever it takes to get my attention, and I let him pick up me up at work (something I've never let anyone else do, as I don't ever reveal where exactly I work).

I was wearing plain clothes that day and a beanie, I figured he'd already seen me semi-dressed up, it might be time for him to see me as I dress everyday, laid back, ready to run if I have to (as I mostly wear sneakers), and carrying a folder with all the stuff I have to grade. He looked at me the same way he'd looked at me from the first time we met, I thought it was adorable (I know, how corny of me). I started getting more and more curious about why the heck has he still not made a move but was willing to meet with me time and time again. He sort of conned me into skipping the first class I had to return to work for, but I was going to skip it anyways, lol. He tried to get me to skip the last class I had for the day, but I didn't, it was however very cute that he was trying to get me to skip school so to speak, so he can spend more time with me.

The rest is history.....................he is now my boyfriend.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 14
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 2:02:51 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^

Such a cute story!

Thank you for sharing it!
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 15
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 2:25:45 PM
Belle: I feel like that is something that can only happen with a forumite -- sounds like you saw him as more of a "profile review project" to begin with and it unexpectedly evolved from there. Thanks for telling me, but I was right -- that was really not very helpful for my own circumstances. Although it does suggest writing to the profile is important, but that's not something exactly new to me. The problem with that in the non-forum POF world is that very, very, very few women have a profile anywhere near as elaborate as yours and the majority I would go so far as to say there is NOTHING to "write to." But almost inevitably, those that do have a few paragraphs use them to disqualify me -- the more a woman writes in her profile on here, the more likely she wants nothing to do with me, which is ridiculously ironic considering how much I write. It's just a sad, messed up situation.

As for the OP: "A friend suggested going out with a guy I think is really ugly" -- that seems extreme. Almost no one is ever going to evolve to finding someone attractive they originally thought was "really ugly." In times of desperation in my youth, I went on dates with a number of women I thought were "really ugly" -- I even went out with one for several weeks, and never did I eventually come to believe that any of them were attractive. But I've definitely developed attraction to women that initially I didn't think anything much of after getting to know them. So "really ugly," that probably doesn't work out. But "mmm, I don't know, maybe" -- that's worth looking into, if you have the patience to deal with it. Thing is, as I said to Belle, most cases of attraction evolution occur when two people are forced to be together for an extended period of time for reasons other than romantic -- but OLD is by its very nature an impatient avenue, and like Belle, you'd actually have to continue to go on dates with someone you felt "meh" about after the first one and that just doesn't feel normal to most people, while some feel it's an outright waste of time. Even I, who has had many cases of attraction evolution in real life circumstances, have felt like subsequent dates with most women I met through OLD and felt "Meh" about were pointless.

I rarely ever agree with anything Lili says, but this sentence is golden: "But I think it's worth paying attention to whether it truly is your response to the other person or if you're somehow affected by what you think other people will think of your partner." I've had to ask myself quite a few times whether I really didn't like a woman or if it was what other people thought of her (my friends, especially my best friend, have said to me "Don't you think you can do better than that?" more times than I can even remember -- of course, they've even said that about very obviously attractive women, because they were insane or taking advantage of me or something, so it's not necessarily always a question of attractiveness, but it has been quite a few times). There are very, very few women that find me attractive so it's easy to get caught in a lot of such traps when you're in that position.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 9/15/2015
Msg: 16
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 2:30:12 PM
Nice you met someone you like Belle.

I often think we meet someone not so much because this is an extra special person, but that we are ready and open to meeting someone. Actually a combination of the two things, being ready yourself and meeting the right person.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 17
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 5:36:00 PM
Hasn't anyone around here ever met someone they didn't initially find physically attractive, but then you got to know the person and they did become attractive to you? (This has happened to me.) Anyone? Anyone?
 scbeachguy
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 18
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 6:40:55 PM
Here is my thing. If I dont feel a spark on the first date, there probably won't be a second date. It would take an amazing personality to make me overlook a lack of physical attraction. I also dont want to be in a position where I am leading the guy on and going on several dates with him, only to find I was never interested in him to begin with. No, I go with my instinct. If the chemistry is not there immediately, I don't pursue it any further. As someone else pointed out, if you start dating people simply because they are in your "league" and thats all you can get, it creates a disastrous relationship.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 19
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/17/2016 9:28:27 PM
scbeachguy- Try changing WHY you go out and/or why you talk to these men.
This is something a friend suggested to me and I'm about to try it, so maybe it will work for both of us:
Go out ONLY with the intention of having fun.
Don't think in terms of being on the "hunt."
If you go out and just think about enjoying yourself, and nothing else, you will be relaxed, more approachable and happier and all of those things will work to attract other people to want to talk to you.
If someone does, but they aren't your "type" talk to them anyway. Don't consider it wasted time. Truly listen to them, just get into the conversation.
You could wind up becoming more attracted to someone based on what they have to say/who they are.
It can't hurt to try it.
This coming weekend is my weekend with my son, but I'm going to try it the next weekend and just see what happens.
You ever know. :)
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 20
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/18/2016 4:53:52 AM

Hasn't anyone around here ever met someone they didn't initially find physically attractive, but then you got to know the person and they did become attractive to you? (This has happened to me.) Anyone? Anyone?


More than once.

Thus the reason, I am "open" to new and stuff that I am not very "comfortable" with, which includes people. Still can't stupid though. ;)
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 21
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/18/2016 5:24:49 AM


Hasn't anyone around here ever met someone they didn't initially find physically attractive, but then you got to know the person and they did become attractive to you?


In regards to OLD? Neva

IRL? The mother figures. Absolutely.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 22
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/18/2016 6:12:28 AM

Hasn't anyone around here ever met someone they didn't initially find physically attractive, but then you got to know the person and they did become attractive to you? (This has happened to me.) Anyone? Anyone?



Plenty of times.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 23
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broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/18/2016 6:16:19 AM
"msg 18^^^I may be a little thick but isn't that what Belle has posted further up a bit"

Yeah, I think a couple of us said something about that -- this is a pretty short thread, not really sure how Baby missed that.

"I also dont want to be in a position where I am leading the guy on and going on several dates with him, only to find I was never interested in him to begin with."

That is indeed an issue with that strategy. I've been in these forums long enough to realize that there are some people whose interest can evolve and some who can't, and if you're one of those who can't, then that's just the way it is, I suppose. That said, there are people who thought for sure they were one of those who can't until the right person came along (Belle apparently being one) so it just becomes a question of whether you're going to convince yourself that it's impossible, make it your unbendable rule and stick to it, or at least allow yourself to entertain the possibility on rare occasion.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 24
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/18/2016 6:53:22 AM
Sometimes I can be physically attracted to women that are somewhat different than my usual type. A few examples. In general I am more attracted to women with long hair. But I have been attracted to some women with short hair. I am more attracted to women with a slender or athletic body type. But I have been attracted to women that are somewhat overweight.


Hasn't anyone around here ever met someone they didn't initially find physically attractive, but then you got to know the person and they did become attractive to you?


No. Physical attraction doesn't change over time for me. Unless there was major physical changes such as weight loss. If a woman was nice and we had some things in common, then maybe we can become friends. However chemistry ( which is different than physical attraction ) can sometimes develop over time when I get to know someone better.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 25
broadening horizons vs lowering standards
Posted: 3/18/2016 7:18:19 AM

No. Physical attraction doesn't change over time for me. Unless there was major physical changes such as weight loss. If a woman was nice and we had some things in common, then maybe we can become friends. However chemistry ( which is different than physical attraction ) can sometimes develop over time when I get to know someone better.


In summary. ( At least somewhat ) Physically attractive but no instant chemistry = I would consider going out on a few more dates barring any obvious dealbreakers. No physical attraction = No second date. Maybe we could become friends. But nothing more than that.
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