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 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 2
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Heres a good one...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I think you are very self-absorbed and that is distorting your view point on all of this. Firstly, you do not know (percentages aside) why you were fired. All of your 'theories' are not based on any facts, they are based on spinning this situation in away that gives you an out (it's not me it's them).

You don't appear to have any sense of what you are asking of your gf. You want her to give up her job in solidarity for your position? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a job in a non-profit these days? Does she like her job, how long has she been there, if she were to look for another job what would be her explanation.... I quit my stable job so my boyfriend's feelings wouldn't be hurt?

You sound childish.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 3
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/21/2016 5:31:02 PM
if this is a "learning experience" for her (to learn to recognize the type of person your boss is), then stand by her side. And if the above post is correct? then perhaps your girl does have a type...
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 4
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/21/2016 5:38:33 PM
Never eat where you shiat.

Now you know why they have that saying.

Don't do it again.

Carry on.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 5
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/21/2016 6:04:50 PM
joefish55- I will take your word that the story is true and the man's an ass, he didn't like you and found a way to run you off.
HOWEVER.............
Just on a practical level, what would the two of you do if neither one of you has a job?!
How are you going to pay bills/rent, buy food, etc?
On another level, the one that caused you to post this to begin with-
I don't see how your girl friend keeping her job is disloyal to you?
That's quite a leap of logic.
The job market is harsh these days, finding a position in a non profit is one of the hardest jobs to find.
You are willing to ask her to give up her career, just to placate you?
You need her to do that to prove to you she cares about you?
I agree that one of you needs to be questioning this relationship after all of this, but it isn't you!
Seriously, are you 10? :(
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/21/2016 7:06:16 PM
Flaneur I think is succinct, and essentially correct.

As I read your overlong recital of woes, I see a repeating pattern. All of your claims about your own success at your work are expressions of emotion, none of them are functional. And your version of your conflicts with your ex boss, appear to me to repeatedly claim that YOU know better than HE does, what your job is, and how it should be done. You even want the woman you think is your girlfriend, to change HER job, not because the change will be good for her, or good for the organizations involved, or for any other reason, save that it will please you emotionally to have her take revenge on your behalf against the boss you repeatedly refused to work WITH (instead competing with him for who knew best).

That is a perfect formula for ANYONE to get themselves fired, from ANY job.

Your self-blinding, entirely emotion-driven "reasoning" even leads you to conjuring up a "big character defect" in the woman you pretend to us that you care deeply about. This in particular puts me firmly on Flaneur's side. While I was reading it, I was thinking the whole time " teenage drama queen."
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
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Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/21/2016 8:19:53 PM
You're overstepping. Workplace romances are frowned upon almost everywhere, but you didn't care. So now that you are fired, you want her to chuck it and go with you. Sorry Jerry McGuire that only happens in the movies.
Get a job and move on.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
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Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/21/2016 9:33:44 PM
Let's say all you've written is true and not just your side, since it's common enough for people to rise to their level of incompetence and then stay there ruining everyone's life. The fact is, your girlfriend has never wanted to get this guy out of her life, she's never done anything to get rid of him, she's not going to do anything to get rid of him. Whatever it is that he does for her, she either likes it or needs it. So all this drama will continue until you move on from her and never look back.
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 11
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/21/2016 10:44:30 PM
So all these "abuses" to you and your gf were okay to tolerate when you had a job.
Your gf's association with your ex boss was okay when you had a job.
Now that you've been fired, you want your gf to unfriend him and take a different job?
It doesn't matter if the transfer is lateral or up or down. You have no right to expect her to change anything about her job just because you're pissed at the man.
I would say that even if she was your wife and not your gf.
Reminds me of Jr High when your whole group had to hate someone if one of you had a problem with them.
It does not matter how much of a jerk the ex boss is or how many people hate him.

You are overstepping here, sir and should be embarrassed of having such expectations.
Flaneur said it best.
8 responses and none agree with you. Were you hoping for solidarity here too?
Did you join a dating site/forum 5 days ago just to ask this question?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 12
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/21/2016 10:49:45 PM
joefish55- Me, Igor and flanuer all said the same thing, we just used different words.
I did not call you a name, I just let you know your mind set is rather immature.
Now, here you are petulant and argumentative, even in a sly, but obvious way (to me) dividing us as advice givers.
I don't care for that.
All you are doing is making yourself look worse and confirming my opinion of you.
AND telling everyone exactly how you think led to you getting fired.
You are NOT a victim, you are sabotaging yourself and you just don't see it.
Keep insisting that she quit, just go right ahead, somehow I think that will solve things, at least for her.
Don't you DARE come back and get whiney with me again, you are telling a one sided story that casts everyone but YOU at fault and if you come at me like that again, THEN I WILL give you reason to be upset with me.
I would advice that you NOT do that.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 13
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Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 12:27:54 AM
A lot of bosses are bullies and difficult to work for. If you want to stay employed you have to suck it up (or take it up to a higher level and make a workplace bullying claim). That's just the way the world is. I say this in reference to your girlfriend choosing to stay in her current position.

When you choose to date someone from your workplace, unless you keep it strictly secret, you open yourselves up to all levels of judgement, misperception, and biased treatment. People can not help but view your actions with the knowledge of how your relationship is impacting them. People can no longer have the same conversations with you (or her) that they would if you weren't dating. Consciously or sub-consciously, people will treat you differently because of it.

I could not stay in a relationship with someone who maintained a genuine friendship with someone who treated me badly. Them maintaining a working relationship with that person is a different matter.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 15
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 7:14:46 AM

This is my first time in a situation like this and needless to say, i definitely regret ever letting anyone know.


Is this your way of saying that you still think you're in the right even though unbiased opinions have been unanimous?

Finding out that everyone thinks you're wrong can be an unimaginable gift in re-evaluating yourself and your world view.
Thinking that we are 'never wrong' in our feelings or thoughts is the greatest error in our lives.
 voodoosevenfold
Joined: 3/17/2016
Msg: 16
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 7:36:16 AM
I think you are asking too much from your girlfriend. If she is happy at her job why should she transfer because you were miserable and got fired. Put your ego in check , brush up your resume and get over it.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 17
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Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 7:37:42 AM
OP:
Thanks for this. I can learn something from this, albeit pretty obvious lessons.


can you clearly articulate what it is that you have learned from this???
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 18
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 8:53:20 AM
I suppose the real debate is...if someone is hurting your adult partner, how much do you step in to help? do you discuss a plan with them first, do you only offer to listen, or do you take the initiative and save them?
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 19
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 9:14:45 AM
You remind me of someone I know. This is a very decent person outside of work but someone I wouldn't be able to stand to work with - always singing their own praises, too emotionally invested with personality conflicts, no problem telling superiors that what they are doing is wrong or he could do it better, etc. This individual constantly loses his jobs over time and can't see who the common denominator is, even after having it pointed out to him that he needs to concentrate on the job and grow a tougher skin when it comes to obnoxious bosses or co-workers. The fellow the girlfriend works with who fired you isn't her boss and she's learned to get along with him over the years, no matter his short comings, which is something you have allowed to fester and likely contributed to in your own dealings with him. If I were you, I'd stifle your urge to harp on your girlfriend to sever ties with the guy and count your blessings that you no longer work in the same organization with her or you'd sabotage the relationship because of it as you are close to doing now.
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 20
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Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 12:14:33 PM
JoeFish,
I’m not joining others on this. I do understand Loretta Lynn’s ‘Stand by Your Man’.

It’s an obvious issue here, is she more loyal to a man she’s worked with but isn’t her boss, or is she loyal to you?

If I was the GF in love with you, I’d be loyal to you. I’d slowly distance myself from the other guy, I’d definitely never go to coffee with him again. There are ways she could remain professional in the work environment with all employees, but she doesn’t have to show loyalty to him over loyalty to someone she’s in love with. This really will show who’s she’s most loyal to.

So over time, you’ll know where this is going. I’d be working really hard to find a new job and career. The decision about your GF doesn’t have to be made today. Over time, you’ll know where she stands. I wouldn’t be thinking ‘I want to marry her’, if she won’t stand by her man.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 21
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 12:26:49 PM
If she is content and doesn't see anything wrong with her workplace, her relationship with this guy, etc, who are you to overstep your boundaries, and want to do something about it? Something may not be acceptable to you, whereas it is perfectly fine with someone else.

All I can say is "stay in your lane".

Yes, I read the whole story and I do believe that things like that are totally plausible. However, when you're good of a "boss", you tend to get another job just as easy because word of mouth is very powerful, and that's assuming you don't have a job right now. On the other hand only she can decide if she wants to change anything about her workplace. She is the one that has to make that decision as she is the one who will have to live with its consequences.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 22
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Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 1:14:28 PM

I recently got fired from my job as a manager of a non-profit. I've been with my girl, we'll call her Jane, for most of the year that I worked there....

In my heart I just want her to sever all ties with this psychopath. … She could easily get a transfer within her department. ...

But in my head I think that its probably not right for me to expect this. Her work is her work and our relationship is our relationship. She's known him a lot longer than she's known me, and he has been good at times to her. …

I told her I wanted her to cut ties when I first got fired... To me its a matter of solidarity and loyalty to the relationship. ...

I'm worried I am seeing a big character defect in her, but I know I'm obviously not being objective....Shes been supportive of me through this, made some mild statements denouncing Bob to me and a couple of her coworkers, and even said she's going to 'severely limit their contact', but it doesn't feel like enough

It seems that you're understandably caught up in feelings of pain and injustice about what happened. At the same time, you know it isn't right for you to expect your girlfriend to do what you've asked her to do.

Because your feelings are running high, it's best to step back from the situation and give your girlfriend support in making choices that are right for her. After all, that's love. It's putting the other person's needs and desires first, but not in the sense of doing the other's bidding. Among other things, to love is to honor the other person’s choices (even when you disagree) and to encourage opportunities for growth.

If you’re not in love with your girlfriend, then it might be time for both of you to assess the relationship. Sometimes couples work well together when things are going smoothly, but when the road gets rocky, they realize their incompatibilities and see the need to find more suitable long-term partners.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 23
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/22/2016 2:33:38 PM
I would look at it from this other angle. Does the guy knows that she is dating you? I think you said yes. So he is aware that more than likely she is not very happy with what happened. Soooo, watch the guy, because he may put her on the spot, or even better make her choose or fire her.

I do not think it's right for you to ask her to quit her job. But if this is the type of as s ho le this guy is, she should talk to her own supervisor and see if she can transfer to a different department or set of projects.
 VikingHoosier
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 24
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/23/2016 4:11:17 AM
I can believe everything about the bad boss. Many sociopaths exist in the workplace, especially in management.

The boss would probably be upset just seeing or hearing the OP and the girl having a short platonic conversation.

A plus for her is she didn't abandon him after he lost his job. A negative is the difficulty of not associating her with the bad work experience. On one hand, he could ravage her as a way of getting back at the evil boss who probably thinks she belongs to him.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 25
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/23/2016 11:05:27 AM
What it comes down to is whether or not you can accept your gf remaining chummy with someone she knows treated you badly.


Ideally, in your mind, you wouldn't have to suggest anything to her, she would do things out of loyalty to you.

It seems she doesn't feel it's necessary.

Maybe this is a sign of her not being the right one ?
 yougotmeakitten
Joined: 8/30/2014
Msg: 26
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/23/2016 8:09:04 PM
Butternut... msg 28. Yes I agree. If true, this happened, yes she should be getting out of the situ and moving on.
I don't think she should quit her job. Just move on to another branch and get away from her mentor. On the other hand, she may be using the mentor to climb the ladder, kudos to her and sticking it out.

It seems to me she has her own agenda.

LePew
Is it mentor or menter? hmm... forgive the misspelling if so....
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 27
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/23/2016 8:41:39 PM
I'm sorry you lost your job.

I've been to marriage counseling prior to getting married.

I was asked what my biggest insecurity was.

I said, "Will she stick with me if I lost my job"

Sir, the sad reality is that many women view men as potential providers. You share what you earn.

The moment she earns more then you? Sh!t hits the fan. At your age at least.

She most likely wants to form a family, and being unemployed doesn't help your situation.

Instead of shaming her or your ex boss, improve your situation.

If you can't provide something she doesn't have? You're doomed.

YMMV
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 28
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/24/2016 6:59:56 AM
^^^^^^Did you read the 2nd paragraph?

Thing is this...my boss (call him bob) used to work with Jane but left to run the non-profit I was at (a job he got by default). She was relatively young when she started there and he mentored her (he's married with kids, 15 + years older...no hint of anything inappropriate in their relationship). As head of the non-profit he now works with her in a lateral capacity, but still acts like he's her boss. They've had ups and downs...he's been great to her at times and been a lunatic towards her other times. She's considered him a friend and goes for coffee with him sometimes (always found weird, but w/e).


You would be interested in a married man with a family?

I think you are the same 40 something male troll that keeps coming back as young women when your profiles get deleted....
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 29
Heres a good one...
Posted: 3/26/2016 8:08:50 PM

... but it doesn't feel like enough.

It will never feel like enough - not even if she humiliated him and hacked it into the Times Square digital screen you for your birthday.


...I'm worried I am seeing a big character defect in her...

The character defect is in yourself.
You believe the world should turn and people should act as you prefer... even if it is against their own self-interest.
It's an interesting conundrum for her.
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