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 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 1
People who have been single most of their lives.Page 1 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
Really, this is about my favorite subject (me).

I'm wondering how many people are out there who are like me. I have the same basic relationship needs as most other people: Mutual support, physical contact, monogamy... But I don't need it 24/7. Ideally, a relationship for me involves living separately, and spending quality time a couple times a week or weekends and holidays. I've had this before but for others the norm seems to be to "take things to the next level". I don't want to, or at least might want to but really really slowly, and by that time the other person has lost interest, and my poor little heart gets broken. What I'm wondering is if there are very many people like me out there who are mentally healthy, but just have this preference? Will I ever find someone like this who isn't freaky weird?

Mattababy needs to hear some encouraging words.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 2
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 11:23:06 AM
Me too. Not sure how mentally healthy, though. :) It's not a preference... it's the way my environment shaped me. My parents were from broken homes. I'm from a broken home. You grow up finding weird and uncomfortable what others find normal and can't live without. I would probably suffer intensely if I first began living with someone... but hey, it might be worth it in the long run?
 cassie2425
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 3
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 12:05:34 PM
To NJ and Whatsa...were both of you not married at one time?

I semi/sort of understand what you are looking for Whatsa but it's not for me. I want a live together 24/7 relationship. I enjoyed being married, everything about being married. Mind you, we weren't joined at the hip either as we both had some separate interests. I do t want a part-time lover or part-time room mate.

But...I would think that there are quite a few out there with your mindset ... some who have never married, some not in any rush after a divorce, some that enjoy their own space but wish to still share a life but just not 24/7.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 4
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 12:21:48 PM
i love singlehood.

this week, i had an epiphany, quite sad, actually. a friend of mine lost her long-term partner. her devastating sense of loss felt like a freezing, black, suffocating cloud that will never lift for her. her partner died suddenly and it will take my friend a long, long time to process the loss. she may never heal from it. she may never adjust to it.

i can't imagine loving someone that deeply, and having their life and soul so intertwined with my own that the loss would cause my own spirit to shatter so irrevocably. the woman who died did a ton for the community. she was very athletic and health-conscious. and no one would have ever expected her to die so young. if the shock ever dissipates, my friend will never be the same.

although it seems so cynical to say it, this incident shows me how dangerous it can be to allow someone to get so close to you that their loss destroys you.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 5
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 12:24:31 PM
OP, you and I must to twins. That is exactly how I feel, except I don't get my heart broken when others don't want the same thing I do.

I was happily married until I became widowed 22 years ago. I have since had a relationship where we were together a lot but didn't want to take it further. unfortunately that relationship ran it's course.

I make it clear from the beginning that I am not looking for a live in situation which usually sends the other person running for the hills. So be it.

I do question myself as to where whether I have already had the loving soul mate relationship, so do I no longer need to prove to myself that I am lovable. Is that the reason that I don't need the live in lifestyle?

I do think that the majority of people are co dependent, therefore they need a 24/7 relationship where they are joined at the hip. They may deny it, but they do seem to want they s/o not be be able to live without them. I wish them well, and move on.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 6
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 1:09:40 PM
But do you ladies ever come across men who want a similar arrangement (a close, monogamous relationship but still keep separate homes)? I wonder if it's less common for men in this day and age because there's a greater kickback for them when they cohabitate? That is, nowadays the woman pays her own way, but generally still takes care of the domestic stuff?
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 7
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 1:11:25 PM
Juniper moon, you friend will recover from the loss of her partner. It is what they call the "new normal." Sort of like a hand stitched patchwork quilt of all the memories from years past and now, today and tomorrow. I was widowed after 34 years of marriage. The last thing on my mind after being single now for three years and three months is having a guy move in with me. I am not ready for that. I am OK with being single.

As others have said, companionship and dating and spending time together would be nice. Very nice. Haven't met him yet though.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 8
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 1:31:19 PM
When Woody Allen and Mia Farrow were married they still lived in separate places. That may have been because Mia always had a full brood of adopted children. And I'm sure it helped Woody when he wanted to date one of those kids.

But I need a woman who will bathe me, feed me and turn me so I don't get bed sores. I'm looking for a much more committed relationship than you're offering.
 Cycling99
Joined: 12/14/2014
Msg: 9
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 1:37:49 PM
I don't get emotionally invested with anyone unless I know them well. This takes time.

Some people think that after having consensual adult intimacy that creates an ipso facto relationship. I am not from this school of thought! Relationships take knowing the person well: they take a lot of time! Doing the horizontal mambo is not it. Also, having a "woman" to "take care" of my home?! It's not the 1920's. Less provincial, prosaic! lol If you meet a guy that "needs" that, RUN! lol

I have no doubt if you quit smoking and invest time in yourself you will find someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. You will be with someone that loves, respects and cherishes their time with you.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 10
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:08:56 PM
There was a thread way back in the prehistoric days of POF forums that dealt with the topic. I think it was called LAT (living apart together), where people discussed the pros and cons and issues with people wanting a permanent relationship, but never wanting to live together.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 11
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:12:16 PM
^ Hey, thanks! (at Fook).

Cycling99: I could do all that, but I'd still never have your people skills. Sigh...

Halftimedad: I can't believe you haven't had any takers. Just goes to show women are too picky, and it's just not fair.

Cassie: Yes, I was briefly married. The guy was the easiest person in the world to get along with. But he talked a lot, and sometimes I just need to be in my own head. Sometimes I would literally beg him to go hang out with other people so I could be alone. I wanted to continue our relationship, but live separately. I think he saw that as some sort of step backwards. It ended very amicably, though. He still thinks I'm the cat's ass :)
 cassie2425
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 12
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:16:52 PM

i can't imagine loving someone that deeply, and having their life and soul so intertwined with my own that the loss would cause my own spirit to shatter so irrevocably. the woman who died did a ton for the community. she was very athletic and health-conscious. and no one would have ever expected her to die so young. if the shock ever dissipates, my friend will never be the same.

although it seems so cynical to say it, this incident shows me how dangerous it can be to allow someone to get so close to you that their loss destroys you.


I actually feel sorry for you that at this age you have never felt deep, true love with another. To do so is "dangerous", WTF.. To love someone is "dangerous"??? I pretty thought I'd heard everything on here and this is one of the dumbest , IMO. I buried a husband after 31 years of marriage, many on here are widowed....we survived quite nicely thank you.

I don't think it's remotely "co-dependent" for two people to choose marriage or a live in relationship. Why would you think it's co-dependent? It's just not for you or a few others. I don't need to marry again and I don't think those that wish to marry again are "co-dependent", it's just not my thing. Find the type of relationship that suits you.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 13
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:21:40 PM
"I don't think it's remotely "co-dependent" for two people to choose marriage or a live in relationship. Why would you think it's co-dependent? "

That is so not what I was trying to say. My point was that there are many who are co dependent, and they are the ones most likely to squaw about people to don't want a live in relationship.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 14
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:28:55 PM
Allrighty! I've been married for two days past 23 years. My ex dropped the bomb on me two days after celebrating our 23rd anniversary. So, I've only been coupled up a little more that a third of my life. Given time to consider being with someone, I'd rather go it solo. Yeah, it's harder sometimes. On the flip side, anything I buy is mine. That package of cookies, I'll eat the first one and the last one. None will disappear, that I don't know about. (Unless of course I left the package on the counter, and my dogs helped themselves. Which they do!) What do I want to watch on the tube. The house temp is just right. What do I want for dinner? I think I'll go for a ride. No snoring to wake me at night. (Unless I wake and listen to my dogs snore. And I end up laughing at them.) Coffee is just right. I didn't go into hock over Christmas! I like my car. No one hogs the covers. Yes, there is hot water. Do I wanna work this weekend? Sure, I'll do my weekend in the middle of the week. I create my own bills. I put that there, it will still be there when I need it. I plan what I want to do, when to do it, how I want to do it.

One thing I think about when some possible date comes up. How much of a pain is this woman going to be. My first level is me alone. The next is finding someone, and do I want to go there. So far, I don't want to go there.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 15
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:32:44 PM
Over 2 and 1/2 years, we are happy having separate places. Down the line - maybe
After many years wed it was a problem adjusting to living alone ( well furbabies) but now I kinda like my down time.
When I want midnight cuddling I just have to call him :)
 oneday57
Joined: 10/17/2015
Msg: 16
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:36:20 PM
Well......thinking you like to hear yourself talk.....weird would be what you are but not to worry theres someone for you.....good luck....but you still just wanna hear yourself talk....lol bye
 cassie2425
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 17
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:42:35 PM
^^^ to Purple. In that 23 years and 2 days you had no idea she was a little unhappy? Seems you haven't healed. Or don't want to or enjoy hauling out the pain and tossing it around as a reminder of....who knows. I bet you'd give your left testicle to take it back to say, your 15th anniversary and live it all again like in the movie Groundhog Day. My point, you probably have many great years in those 23. And...some folks, not just you Purple, have grown used to being on their own and enjoy their own company - not a damn thing wrong with that. I like chatting with people and need friends, family, co-workers around; I like human interaction, human contact on a day to day basis even if it's just saying "good morning" to the kid at Starbucks.

Cycling- still working on finding a personality I see. People skills aren't your strong point.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 18
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:46:28 PM
The situation you described sounds like a companion.

On the surface, it seems innocent enough. A stay at arms length relationship.

Have you or these men ever said you loved each other? I can't comprehend not wanting to at least discuss cohabiting with someone if we've said those words to each other.

I also can't comprehend dating someone exclusively for a few months and NOT saying I loved them. Hell, it's hard enough to get that far in the dating process to begin with.

But, I'll go ahead and say the dirty word. It also sounds...expensive.

Like an exchange of dinner and sex between consenting adults.

IME, things like this were never about Netflix by candle light and seemed more like meeting her entertainment needs.

Ya know, sometimes I think women just want some romance here and there and men just want sex here and there. Monogamous I hope!

Bottom line, if a gal isn't as invested as I am in taking things to the next level, I'll keep my wallet close by.

There are many men, including myself, that would like to cohabit with someone we love.

It seems to me you are guarded and not open to being in love, IMHO.

vvvvvvvvvvvvv

Dude, we get it. You're lonely in that town called PERFECT.

Take your celibate rant somewhere else.
 Cycling99
Joined: 12/14/2014
Msg: 19
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:48:24 PM
Just because I have zero tolerance for married cheaters (or in a relationship cheaters), or for:
- child abusers
- repeat criminal offenders of the law
- elderly abuse
- racism
- drug abusers (legal or illegal. First source of criminal activity)
- relapsing drug abusers (alcohol, cigarettes, prescription meds included)
- those who rationalized or excuse these behaviors

because people like these are G A R B A G E, doesn't mean I have no social skill.

Just means I have zero tolerance for these crap! And the little people are copying me? That is so cute!
 ThatGirlNamedAlli
Joined: 12/28/2013
Msg: 20
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:53:28 PM
I've been single most of my life too. I'd guess it at 90% single my adult life. I'd love to meet someone I can fall in love with (I've liked people a lot, but never was in love). It just hasn't happened. Will it ever? maybe, maybe not. I'll deal with what comes.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 21
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 2:57:40 PM
Whatsamattababy,

I wouldn't mind separate houses (as Purplerider notes, MY kitchen, MY bathroom, my stuff where I left it, no men's clothing strewn about) except I want the same bed as my man.

I wonder if I can find two houses attached by a single room?
Actually, first, I'd like to find a wonderful man for me.
Then the house.
(Priorities, you know.)
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 22
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 3:00:13 PM
Clooney. My Love. I do not want access to anyone's wallet; nor do I need to be entertained. Love is cool, but I prefer the kind that can't be bought.

2ufo: That actually sounds like an excellent arrangement.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 23
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 3:02:38 PM
^^^
Did you love any of these men or vice versa?

Details please!

Sending a case of wine and Cheetos to...Mahwah.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 24
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 3:04:44 PM
Clooney mentions his wallet in every one of his posts as if he believes it's the only thing he has to offer, and if he keeps repeating it, I'll soon fully believe that it is true.

Yes, I was married, and not only that but I was very excited about it. I'd clean the house to sparkles and decorate, just to surprise him. Didn't work out though.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/9/2016 3:37:22 PM
It's one thing to be boyfriend/girlfriend and live apart, but some people are still after marriage. How many people would be OK with getting married and continue living apart-going through a wedding ceremony, possibly going on a honeymoon, and then going back to separate homes afterwards? At least a guy wouldn't have to worry about throwing out his back by carrying the bride over the threshold.

What would be the maximum and minimum distance apart a couple would have to be to make it workable? Does that mean you would narrow your search to someone who is the proper distance away, or would one of you be willing to move to be the right distance apart-and which one would be willing to move?
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