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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!      Home login  
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 AChorusLine28
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 1
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Alright,
I'm inviting everyone to answer my question, but mainly directing this thread to women my age (mid-30s) and see if any of the ladies have had similar experiences on POF.

I found myself in this wild pattern of the dating world and can't pin point the problem.
“Is it me?” “Is it them?” Is it this dating site?” I dunno.

I don't date a specific type of person, as far as I know. Regardless of age, culture or whether the person has a white/blue collar profession, I encounter the same issue with dating men.

So lets say I feel a great connection with a guy via chatting online or on the phone, a few shady situations develop:

1-We plan a date and I get the no show.
2-We plan a date, it fails for some reason (either the date and time doesn't work for one of us), the result is the Dragging, yes, they make you believe that they are interested but drag to actually meet you?
3-Recent experience, I had a first great date with a seemingly great guy. He spent a week in Florida and kept in touch all the way through his trip, said he was looking forward to meeting me again. I set up a date and time to meet for a second go. Does not respond to any of my suggestions for a few days. I take it that he's no longer interested. Until the day of the supposed date, sends me a text “Hello How is your day”. WTF is goin' on???

So here is the pattern I'm noticing that I've compiled:
Shows that he is fully interested → Try to plan date → Date fizzles out → I figure they are not interested → Somehow, they find themselves back to me, saying hi on text or give me a flirt on POF.

This phenomena is strange and confusing!

My bottom line question is : Is there a dating trend that I'm not aware of?
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 2
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:58:06 PM
"-Lastly, I want to develop a friendship first even before the “dating process”. I'm the kind of girl who wants to take her time in getting to know you. I want someone who can sustain this slow and steady journey. This does not mean that you will stay in the “friend zone”. I choose to take things slow to see if we are a compatible fit as a couple. If you are incapable of such patience, then you are most likely not the one I'm looking for."

Well AChorusLine, I'm much older than 30 something. In fact I'm old enough to be your mom. But here's the thing. What you speak of, in my opinion is ageless. The type of behavior you describe, has, more often than not, happened to all of us.

Now, I have never sought the attention of a man to be "friends".
My male friends are my friends, we do not cross a line. The men I have dated, I did not seek them out to be "a friend".
Bottom line. Men do not seek out women to be "a friend".

Oh, don't misunderstand me. I know where you are coming from. I do, believe me. But it's not going to happen.

I could be wrong here, but this is my guess. Your profile states you are looking for "Friends". I'm not defending his poor behavior but look at this from his perspective. All you want is a "friend". Most men can find their "friends' elsewhere, without having to work too hard at it. So far you have not found the man who wants to play by your rules.
You may want to rethink your strategy.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 3
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:58:59 PM
If this is a repeating pattern, then I suspect you're attracting men with options.

Does that excuse their behavior? No.

Some will disagree with me, but I think leagues exist in dating.

Possibly you're shooting out of your league?




a few haven't got enough blood supply to run both their heads.


This is funny sh!t.



it's up to the women to initiate first interest.


Yep. I'll pay without blinking but I rarely initiate with OLD.

One gal told me her dad said that men should pursue.

I told her that her dad didn't meet mom with OLD...

 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 4
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/16/2016 8:18:08 PM

Is there a dating trend that I'm not aware of?

Yes...It's called laziness and entitlement. Men no longer want to pursue or act interested....it's up to the women to initiate first interest.
They prefer you pay your own way and put out by the 2nd date...or you're outta here!
After all...they have better and more important things to do....because they have a muscle....that needs attention...smirk.
or Possibly....you're expecting too much from the guys....a few haven't got enough blood supply to run both their heads.
ymmv.....lol.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 5
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/16/2016 8:44:42 PM
Laziness and entitlement swings both ways. If you want something to happen, the bottom line is that YOU have to take the action, and it certainly doesn't matter which gender. If you spend a majority of your conversation shootin down their ideas, and yet not offering any of your own - or you cancel a date, but offer no alternative - you're dumping all the responsibility on the other party, and it gets old. Relationships are a two-way street, and that also involves who makes the 'moves'. If a guy invites you out, and you say anything outside of 'yes', then it didn't happen. Be decisive. Be concise. It's a date, not an extended commitment.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 6
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/16/2016 9:02:02 PM
^^^
I'm sorry that happened to you.

I dunno.

The rare times I felt a connection with someone I met using OLD, I sobbed at the end.

Makes me wonder if its OLD or that I'm attracted to drama.

p.s.

I remember before OLD, watching my mom cry when a potential suitor stood her up for a Neil Diamond concert.

I'll never forget that...

 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 7
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/16/2016 9:30:22 PM
A bar by a church. Gives me a pause...

Not sure if I should be encouraged by the clergy imbibing.

Comforting to know they imbibe but the bible wasn't concerned about drivers.

I imagine the priest misses the walking distance :(
 salty_blumist
Joined: 11/26/2012
Msg: 8
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 1:19:42 AM
Achorus,
I'm sure many on here have had pretty much the same experience. I do believe some of it is the fact your on primarily a free dating site. So, it attracts all kinds. Perhaps you should try a site where all the users have to pay. I've found that if people have to invest money, they take things (in this case dating and finding a soulmate) more seriously. Unfortunately, it seems the whole dating world has become more complex. I have a tendency to think old (online dating) has helped make it this way. Old seems to have created a sense of complacency where many users of it are always thinking if someone isn't the one, there's always another potential suitor a mouse click away. Which even if true, I do believe is a self defeating attitude to have. It makes sense, because when people think this way, there not putting all of their positive energy and motivation into the person they should be focused on (their date). Their not really giving them a fair chance. This is what I heard on the John Tesh radio show as the number one reason many can't succeed in old. Don't follow Ladyinred's lead, as that's another defeating attitude to have the "lets be friends first ideology". It only complicates and muddy's the waters even more. I've heard of others who tried that out, or so they thought, only to see it all fail. Any healthy relationship should never follow one specific person's idea on the course it should take. Imo, people who say lets be friends first are just a controlling dictators trying to disguise themselves. I've always thought, for a friendship/relationship whatever you want think of it as to work, it should be kept as simple as possible. If you stick to your guns, you should find some like minded man who you like and likes you, and take it from there.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 9
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 4:52:05 AM

Shows that he is fully interested ? Try to plan date ? Date fizzles out ? I figure they are not interested ? Somehow, they find themselves back to me, saying hi on text or give me a flirt on POF.


This, right here, indicates that you have a warped understanding of how men show interest.

You start out by saying shows that he's fully interested, but at that point, you haven't even met. So, how could he have shown it? More likely, he SAID that he was fully interested. And you bought it.

He then SHOWED that he wasn't, by letting the date fizzle out, doing the fade, and then showing up again to keep you on a string. But instead of taking that at face value of not interested in you beyond keeping you as an option, you find this confusing because you still believe that his initial words of interest somehow SHOWED interest.

They didn't.

Players use words to create initial excitement and interest, and then follow that up with just enough action to not lose you as an option.

Men who are truly interested, don't blow smoke up your a** and then disappear on you.

Don't be so quick to "feel a connection" with men you haven't even met. It's not a connection. It's your response to their skills in getting you excited about nothing.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 10
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 5:35:55 AM
Great post Lili!
Op, stop falling for talk ( which is cheap) if they aren't keen on setting a meet ( firm date and time) they are just hedging their bets. Most likely talking to several women same time. Nothing wrong with that - just don't think a phone chat equals a connect with a stranger
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 11
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 6:28:14 AM

Don't follow Ladyinred's lead, as that's another defeating attitude to have the "lets be friends first ideology". It only complicates and muddy's the waters even more. I've heard of others who tried that out, or so they thought, only to see it all fail.


Hey salty blumist, GO back and READ my reply to the OP. The first paragraph I quoted is from THE OP'S profile. I do my research BEFORE I leave a comment. In my reply to the OP, I quote her AND I tell her :


..........The men I have dated, I did not seek them out to be "a friend".
Bottom line. Men do not seek out women to be "a friend".



You may want to rethink your strategy.


If you are going to use what I say, in a reply to an OP , I suggest you get it right. SHE is the one looking for "a friend".Thanks, carry on.( Get's up to get another, much needed cup of coffee)
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 12
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 7:18:21 AM
^^^^I got what you were saying LIR.....and I have to say for anyone that took mine too serious, I was being a bit facetious.!!!
At the OP's age.....don't concentrate on one guy because they are not just chatting with you. Thus, the 2nd hit/flirt....some can't remember they have already chatted with you....from what I understand some are doing numerous "cut and paste" messages.

I have even met up with a guy(who lied about being a smoker)so he was told...total waste of my time.. and he'll send off a message again after a few months....not remembering me.
But in my age group....it's more than likely dementia or drunk messaging....lol.
And yes....by saying "friends" some may interpret it, as you are not serious....so they are not.
Good Luck!
 AChorusLine28
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 13
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 8:32:49 AM

Don't follow Ladyinred's lead, as that's another defeating attitude to have the "lets be friends first ideology". It only complicates and muddy's the waters even more. I've heard of others who tried that out, or so they thought, only to see it all fail.


LadyinRed, my intent on this site clearly states: AChorusLine28 is looking for a relationship.What kind of relationship am I to develop on here? I have no idea! I don't have male friends by the way and the most important thing that I want is to take my time in getting to know someone. The only way I know how to do that is through friendship and potentially, have a partner in the end.

So what is the suggested strategy?
 AChorusLine28
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 14
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 8:48:58 AM

Laziness and entitlement swings both ways

I agree, this is just my very own perspective.


If you spend a majority of your conversation shootin down their ideas, and yet not offering any of your own - or you cancel a date, but offer no alternative - you're dumping all the responsibility on the other party

To be honest, I do most of the planning because guys are tired of taking the responsibility and I get it! However, I cannot be the only party who is on the chase. I'm the girl who says" yes", I'm the girl who makes it "happen" and confirms a date in advance. Now if the guy so chooses not to respond, I remote myself into thinking "he's just not into it"...I think my reaction is normal considering. Would you be turned on if someone blows you off? The majority of us would not.
 AChorusLine28
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 15
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 8:57:23 AM
Hi Lilli!

Thanks for the incite ...that was a slap in the face I needed and...I didn't my coffee yet!
I appreciated what you mentioned:

But instead of taking that at face value of not interested in you beyond keeping you as an option, you find this confusing because you still believe that his initial words of interest somehow SHOWED interest.

That right there, resonated with me!
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 16
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 9:00:02 AM
Glad to have been of help, OP.

Believe, me, these are hard-won insights. I was exactly where you are a few years ago and made the same mistakes.

With the help of these forums (among other things), I learned and improved my dating strategies.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 17
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 9:21:23 AM

improved my dating strategies.


Ahhhhh FFS!!!!!

There's dating strategies now???????


Phuck that shiat!!!!


Walts wanders away into the backyard on a search for that hidden bottle,,,,,,of whiskey!!!!!
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 18
not a lady, don't even play one as a sock puppet
Posted: 4/17/2016 2:49:29 PM
While fellows may end up doing the same thing, they tend to have different reasons that get them to the same place. so, as weird as it sounds, a lot of the advice you got here may correspond to a few of your potential dates...and thus not be wrong, even if it contradicts other advice.

It may also be true, that this isn't a trend, so much as the internet allows some of us options. As purty as your pictures may be, the behavior of these fellows suggests perhaps they too think they can find something better if they just keep swiping away. no offense intended. even in internet businesses, one of the problems is to keep the customer interested and not diverting off to see some cute cat video. its not that we are a world of ADD, just that we are conditioned to think we have a lot of options. and when we find out otherwise...we return to what we "bookmarked" (Does anyone still do that?)

the solution--if there is one--may be the old one--have a thick skin, and remember nothing is real until it is.
 ginghamgal
Joined: 2/13/2016
Msg: 19
not a lady, don't even play one as a sock puppet
Posted: 4/17/2016 4:18:32 PM
I know these things can happen offline as well. But it seems like it's more common with OLD. Especially POF. Just another reason why I prefer meeting people IRL.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 20
not a lady, don't even play one as a sock puppet
Posted: 4/17/2016 4:33:28 PM
As mentioned by others, these things are common for both genders with OLD. In particular with POF. I have rarely been stood up. But I had some last minute cancellations, people doing the disappearing act after discussing plans for a date etc. Many different possible reasons

1. Some people get cold feet or aren't ready for a relationship.
2. Better plans ( i.e. went out with an more attractive person ) from their perspective came up.
3. They were married / in relationship or dishonest about something else in their profile.
4. They became unavailable because they were focusing on other things happening in their life. School, work, family etc.
5. They were never that interested in you to begin. Some people can be looking for email / text buddy to pass time when they are bored.
6. They were abducted by aliens.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 21
not a lady, don't even play one as a sock puppet
Posted: 4/17/2016 5:44:48 PM
AChorusLine, this is what you have in your profile:
Top left column of profile, upper portion-Intent: AChorusLine28 is looking for a relationship.
Top right column of profile, lower portion-For: Friends

To be interpreted as -AChorusLine28 is looking for a relationship as Friends.

Please know, I do understand what you think you are saying here. However, unfortunately when it comes to OLD sites a young woman looking for a man to be her "Friend", is at best misleading. Unless one of the gentleman here can correct me, men are not here looking for a female "Friend". The Forums are filled with replies from men, stating, "We don't want to be your friend!" /"The friend zone is the worst".

IF you are seeking, For: A long term relationship
Use that as your option, For.................(not Friends)

In the About me section, you can include the info, that you desire to meet, date, and progress slowly forward with the relationship, as you become comfortable with him, (whoever that may be). This would be your new strategy. LOL Did this make sense? And I agree with LiliMarleen.
I also agree POF is a free OLD site and you have to weed thru many, to find the ideal man. It isn't easy, but doable.
? No male friends? That's unfortunate. Brother? Male cousin?

I do wish you the best of luck in your search!

Ok so what's up with the new thread title?
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 22
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Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 6:24:03 PM
I think the danger is feeling you are connected before you have actually met, It is mostly wishful thinking and fantasy on your part. I would not waste too much time with phone or net before you meet and within a week or so. NOTHING IS REAL UNTIL YOU MEET. Remember that. People play games and you would not be the only one on a string, with some of them.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 23
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 8:07:30 PM
I agree with what another poster said, change your intent to looking for a relationship and not just friends, then in the body of your profile explain that a couple must ( of course) be friends first before becoming more serious. Any male/female relationship that is well grounded is based on friendship and caring.

I was texting a guy recently; maybe 10 texts back and forth. I gave him my cell phone number to text me later as I had to get off line. What little he knew about me, he concluded that he "liked me and wanted us to be serious." He texted me the next day and I did not respond; was I playing games? No, since no reply is a reply. This guy had just gotten on the dating site and expected to find a love in a few days and it creeped me out. You can't possibly like a person through texting without meeting.

I have a male friend who clearly states on his profile and in the body of his profile that he is NOT looking to date; just to hang out with a female friend if they jive. He is looking for friends. I know him very well and know sort of why he is not looking to date, but he is my friend and we get together as friends about once a week. Just friends. But, again, male friends ( and I completely enjoy his company) are much different than dating a guy. That is for friendship only.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 24
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 9:12:20 PM
NJGirl you made me laugh!! Its a bit more complicated. I met him a few years back. We did have sex but we have a business relationship so now we just hang out because of conflict of interest. Yes I do agree with you that if he is not dating why is he on a dating site? He likes women. I don't really know if he is dating or not ( pants off), nor do I care anymore. He is a player but he is my friend and I leave it at that. I discuss who I date with him and he gives me advice. He once in a while talks about women he meets out of town working and I don't know if this is BS or what, but I don't care!!

I may get a heap of BS from the forum people for disclosing this, but hey..... I am from Pennsylvania; we are a tough breed of women from the east coast!! You did make me laugh though.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 25
Dating Trend? Ladies please step forward!
Posted: 4/17/2016 9:56:11 PM
Funny!! I tell him about my dating experiences which don't amount to a hill of beans for the most part and his reply is always, "why are you even bothering with dating." He says I am "independant." Which means I can manage without a man in my life.
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