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 claire8424
Joined: 1/20/2013
Msg: 1
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Can't move onPage 1 of 1    
I first met a guy a couple of years ago, I did not fancy him when we first met. Over time it was clear we were interested in each other but kept having missed opportunities, mainly as we are both shy. I have come to the realisation now that it wasn't meant to be.

The problem is I cannot get over him. He added me on social media so I am reminded of him there. I met him through my walking group but he can be a bit wishy washy and will drop out at the last minute, this could be due to him not being local. Whenever I start to move on and get on with my life he comes back.

When he does come back after months on end and comes to the walks I either get nervous so don't speak to him or avoid him as I feel annoyed he thinks he can come back and try to chat me up when he has been on dating websites in the meantime.

I get told by people that he is shy but if he is shy how can he be when he goes on dating websites? His friends keep putting in a 'good word' to me or they look me up on social media but then I don't see him taking action. I am just sick and tired of it all now and don't know if I should hold on or give up.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 2
Can't move on
Posted: 4/19/2016 4:48:13 PM
everyone loves temptation. but just like dieting, some times you have to actively send the temptation away, once you know its not going to do you any good.

if you want him, make a move, and get an answer once and for all.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 3
Can't move on
Posted: 4/19/2016 8:25:26 PM

He added me on social media so I am reminded of him there.


Then stop with the "anti-social" media.


but if he is shy how can he be when he goes on dating websites?


Dating sites are ideal for shy people, especially those who never actually plan to meet in person, but can conduct an online virtual relationship.


don't know if I should hold on or give up.


By all means, hold on to the drama.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 4
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Can't move on
Posted: 4/20/2016 12:43:43 AM

I first met a guy a couple of years ago, I did not fancy him when we first met. Over time it was clear we were interested in each other but kept having missed opportunities, mainly as we are both shy. I have come to the realisation now that it wasn't meant to be.

The problem is I cannot get over him. He added me on social media so I am reminded of him there. I met him through my walking group but he can be a bit wishy washy and will drop out at the last minute, this could be due to him not being local. Whenever I start to move on and get on with my life he comes back.

When he does come back after months on end and comes to the walks I either get nervous so don't speak to him or avoid him as I feel annoyed he thinks he can come back and try to chat me up when he has been on dating websites in the meantime.

I get told by people that he is shy but if he is shy how can he be when he goes on dating websites? His friends keep putting in a 'good word' to me or they look me up on social media but then I don't see him taking action. I am just sick and tired of it all now and don't know if I should hold on or give up.


It seems pretty simple to me. If you like the guy, ask him to hang out. If you're not into him, move on.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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Can't move on
Posted: 4/20/2016 4:40:26 AM
If nothing else, you are gaining insight into why people who AREN'T shy, often become outright hostile towards those who ARE.

Having been shy for most of my life as well, I know the inside of it. Constant fear of being thought ill of, compounded horribly by the exact thing you describe here, of having my worst fears confirmed, simply because I WAS so shy, that people assumed I was hostile or callous instead.

There is no MORE likely place for a shy person to go to try to find a mate these days, than online dating sites. Online sites eliminate one of the greatest impediments to the shy: fear of asking to meet someone, who is already in a relationship, and so feels assaulted or worse, amused about being approached.

Since you are having such a hostile reaction to him, I'm not at all surprised that he hasn't decided to go through the stress of actually speaking to you or asking you out. During my own long shy period, I too had friends telling me that this or that girl might be interested and available, and when I got near them and they acted as you describe you do, the only conclusion I could make was that my "friends" were trying to set me up to make a fool of myself, or that by my very nature, that I drove women away simply by trying at all.

That's what's so dreadful about being shy. Especially as a male. Not only are you terrified most of the time, the only respite you get from the terror, is either humiliation, or depression.

The only way that I mostly broke out of my own shyness trap, was by becoming SO despondent, that just gave up entirely. I began to be able to converse with attractive women, not because I had become brave, but because I was absolutely certain that they would never in a million years, give me the time of day.

Nowadays, I still get hostility occasionally, from women who may or may not have found me attractive, and as you have done, decided it was my fault that I didn't jump their bones on cue.

You do realize, don't you, that you can both give up, AND remain available. As in you can decide to attend your various groups, be open to meeting new people, AND should he ever recover enough to approach you, talk to him in a civil manner such that he might finally relax with you?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 6
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Can't move on
Posted: 4/20/2016 4:58:59 AM
Moving on is nothing but thinking different thoughts.

You have no control over your feelings, but you can control your thoughts as much as you decide you want to.

If you start thinking different thoughts about this guy, you won't obsess in the same way you have been.

Because I don't know exactly what you're thinking that keeps you from moving on, I don't know what to suggest you may think instead, but from personal experience I can tell you that changing your thoughts will change your feelings.

It's an act of will, so, it's not that you can't move on, it's that you haven't decided to. Instead you're dwelling on whatever you're dwelling on with him.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 7
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Can't move on
Posted: 4/20/2016 6:27:19 AM
You have two choices, you can block this guy from your social media and stop receiving reminders of him OR the next time he shows up for one of those walks approach him and say "Bob, I haven't seen you in a while. Would you like to go to lunch, dinner, pub etc after the walk? I'd love to get to know you better."
Take the bull by the horns or stop whining.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 8
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Can't move on
Posted: 4/21/2016 2:50:23 AM
Yes, this is the ideal place for shy people. (like me)

Social media works great for us. We have time to think of something clever to say. Read and re-read the posted question, in order to come up with the correct intent of the question. If, we don't like our answer that we thought so hard about putting down, we can just delete it. This isn't like real life, where we can miss the entire intent of the question asked, give a dumb answer, or stutter and stumble over a reply verbally. (Like I do) No, I'm not stupid sounding if I write it. No person in this world wants to sound like an idiot.

Shy people can be their own worst critics. You may blow off a wrong comment we made, and think nothing of it. But we can't forget it, because it may have made us look bad. There's no "do over" card in life.

I agree with this opinion- "Take the bull by the horns or stop whining."
 wineaboutit
Joined: 2/18/2016
Msg: 9
Can't move on
Posted: 4/21/2016 5:23:32 AM
Reality check, if he was really interested in you, he would contact you and ask to spend time together. He is not coming in and out of your life if all he does is have a social media presence or show up in your hiking group, sorry but he is not in your life at all. The only people who are "in my life" are people I see regularly and spend time with, everything else is irrelevant. Cut social media ties which are largely BS anyway and start trying to connect with people who want to spend actual time with you. It could be that you do not really want a relationship and this man is just a fantasy you indulge in. Short answer: move on and quit giving him space in your head.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 10
Can't move on
Posted: 4/21/2016 9:44:24 AM
Action says it all. I think it irelevant if he is shy or some other excuse. In all that time, he has not asked you to coffee even, so imo, the interest is just on your part. You said you did not even like him at first, so maybe you just want validation you are liked by someone decent?

Throughout activities where people thrown together, fleeting attractions normally occur. When the activity ends, often one can care less...the contact was slim. Other times, people enlarge it to mean more because they are so passive in their life, any notable flirtation becomes something important.

This guy, if you are sincerely interested in him as a person, just make the gesture of interest. If you cannot invite somebody to a casual conversation over a drink, then I would say you have a crippling shyness issue and should talk to a counselor. If you think only the guy should make a move, but get into these frustrated states, you aren't being true to your nature, which is probably more proactive than you allow.

Move on by taking the chance and if the answer is no, it's better to just know, and put it to rest. Any guy who looks down on you for being proactive is not worth worrying about. I think some guys do view it as masculine, but who cares, then. You avoided that mindset.

Have no regrets, no lingering what ifs.

Also, he is no mind reader and may not have picked up on your interest. Don't drop any more enigmatic hints, just ask him to do something like coffee, and you can finally get an answer because who knows what his story is. You are doing a lot of assuming vs communicating.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 11
Can't move on
Posted: 4/21/2016 9:55:00 AM
MSG 9


Reality check, if he was really interested in you, he would contact you and ask to spend time together. He is not coming in and out of your life if all he does is have a social media presence or show up in your hiking group, sorry but he is not in your life at all. The only people who are "in my life" are people I see regularly and spend time with, everything else is irrelevant. Cut social media ties which are largely BS anyway and start trying to connect with people who want to spend actual time with you. It could be that you do not really want a relationship and this man is just a fantasy you indulge in. Short answer: move on and quit giving him space in your head.





THIS ^^^^^^


OP copy this and put it on your fridge .
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 12
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Can't move on
Posted: 4/21/2016 12:48:50 PM

Also, he is no mind reader and may not have picked up on your interest. Don't drop any more enigmatic hints, just ask him to do something like coffee, and you can finally get an answer because who knows what his story is. You are doing a lot of assuming vs communicating.


I think this is more important. Guys can't read minds and most aren't aware enough to pick up indicators of interest. Women will think "well, I said hi to him, so he knows I like him." She's better off actually talking to him and being honest than talking to strangers on the internet.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 13
Can't move on
Posted: 4/21/2016 1:33:45 PM

I have come to the realisation now that it wasn't meant to be.


So you're telling us that you're willing to drown in your own excuses?

Let me tell you a little secret. Luck favors the bold. "missed opportunity and "both shy" sound to me simply as excuses.
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