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 JaneyBaney5757
Joined: 1/23/2016
Msg: 1
At my wits end Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I don't know even know why I'm posting this but I am so beyond hurt and all I feel is immense pain. It feels like there are screws in my heart that are being ripped out one by one.

I was with a man whom I loved very much for over 4 years. We lived together for 2.5 of those years. I wasn't the best girlfriend truth be told and we almost broke up many times because of numerous fights yet always ended up sticking to each other. We were each other's best friends and we did every little thing together. Sunday's were our special days since we were always off from work together.

We had numerous problems. His family did not like me. He was never an advocate for me and I always felt he never stood up for me. I have vertigo chronically so I can't fly. He is from Kansas City originally and every time he would go back home I could never come with. Instead of explaining my true medical issue to his family I guess he let them think that I don't come because I don't like them, instead of telling them the real circumstances.

Second issue was marriage. I told him from the beginning I wanted to be married and thought it was the right thing to do if we made it past the 2 year mark. He was completely in agreence with that in the beginning. Well 2 years passed, then 3....I gave him more time. 6 months before our 4 year anniversary he told me the most hurtful thing. He said that he wouldn't marry ANYONE right now. That was so painful to hear and all I could think of was him comparing me to just 'anyone'. I felt he completely downgraded me, and I wasn't his loving girlfriend and best friend but just someone he puts in a group of everybody and anybody.

From that point on our relationship got pretty bad. He started going out (which he never really did much before), never texting me when he was out (which he alway did before), not really communicating with me at all. I had a lot of animosity build up for him over marriage and him not committing.

A little bit after 4 years of being together he came home drunk, picked a fight, and left. I was positive he would return but he didn't. He then told me he has his own apartment now and will come only to get his things. I felt like my identity was being ripped away since he was all I knew for years and years. All my hopes and dreams were built around him. We did EVERYTHING together. Simple things like grocery shopping were too painful to do. I broke down crying putting avocados in a bag because he always picked out the best ones for me. I couldn't go to any place out to eat because everything reminded me of him. We lived in this city for years and suddenly everything was off limits to me.

Fast forward, I forced myself to date and to get to know other people and suddenly it was getting easier (though I was actually completely not ready to date and was an emotional mess). Then I made a huge mistake; I went to Palm Springs for my birthday (this was his and mine tradition) and every single thing triggered memories. I stupidly texted him and he actually responded after 3 months of silence. He told me he missed me and he thought about me from moment he woke up to moment he went to sleep. He asked me to dinner when I returned, I agreed.

When he came to my door, I opened it, and he as there with flowers. I kissed him right away and nothing felt wrong. It felt like we started back up where we left off. He asked me to drop all the men I was talking to, which I did right away. I wanted to bad to make this work. I told him that I know he now has a lease in a different city an hour away from me, but that I expect when lease is up to be living together and to be engaged. He agreed.

Fast forward, and I apologize for this long read, I had a hard time getting over the immense heart break he caused me. I broke down when I came over and saw him all situated in his own apartment. I tried my best to get over all this and start fresh. Then he started telling me how his parents keep telling him that I have too much baggage (no idea what he even told them) and that he needs to drop me. I have no idea why he was even telling me all this. I feel he had a lot of pressure to not be with me again, and I know that was one of the reasons he left me 3 months ago as well.

Two nights ago him and I went out for dinner. I brought up the time limit of marriage again. Maybe shame on me for doing this, but I was afraid. I was afraid that he would waste more of my time and hurt me. Suddenly he switched his story. Suddenly is was "I can't make promises, there are no guarantees" I told him that's not good enough, and I need to move on. We got the check before even eating and silently got in the car. On the way to him dropping me off I started crying asking him why he came back if he wasn't ready. He was silent until we pulled up to my house. Then I have no idea what happened and it's all a blur. He started screaming at the top of his lungs, like an animal locked in cage, I've never heard anyone scream in my entire life. His eyes were bulging, he was covered in sweat, his clothe was soaked. He was shaking in rage. He kept yelling how I annoy him, how we don't belong together, how this isn't a working relationship. Then his nose started gushing out blood. I've never seen anyone lose it so bad in my entire life. I didn't know what to do so I tried calming him down, I rubbed his leg and kept telling him everything will be ok and that I loved him. That's seemed to make him more mad and he told me to get the f out of his car. I can't believe this was the man I longed for and loved for all this time. He used to be the sweetest nicest man, he was pretty much always calm and collected. I have no idea what happened and I'm so hurt. My last memory of him now is him shouting covered in blood and sweat. He then started sobbing...I've never seen a man cry before either. It was awful to watch. He kept tyelon me it's over and that he doesn't care any more and to get out of his car...so I did. It hurt so bad to walk away.

I'm so distraught, I don't get why I triggered such a reaction in him, no one should ever make a person react this badly. Al I wanted was for us to be together. I forgave him for everything and tried moving forward. I don't know how to move on, he is embedded in every thought, every second of my life. I feel like I wasted all my young years on him; and now I'm all alone and almost 30. It's all too much. I guess I just need advice, I don't even know like I said why I'm posting this.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 2
At my wits end
Posted: 4/24/2016 8:19:44 PM
Sad, and sadly common. Unfortunately, I watch beautiful, smart and accomplished women go through these heartbreaks. Before thirty, after thirty, and beyond. Women who dreamed of having a husband and kids, deal with heartbreaks of losing the men they love plus losing the dream of the family. I used to run a meetup group, and met two good friends through it. One is an accomplished musician and the sweetest girl - had her heart ripped out of her chest in her late thirties, when she was planning to get married. Another - a gorgeous, deeply spiritual and kind girl (when we last hung out, every time someone on the subway asked for a donation, she reached in her purse and donated) who is also smart and works for the UN, just had a boyfriend walk away from her and is devastated - she said she was planning to get married. What the hell do you men want if not someone like her? :-( Not much anyone can say to you, much less advise you, that will alleviate the pain. We don't get our young years back, and few people did everything right with those. In my mid-thirties I went through a breakup that put me on meds for about two years, and I said "If I lived through this, I can live through anything." Things got better... took a few years, the pain subsided. Not much going on romantically with anyone new, just time and no contact. Eventually new people, some new feelings. Never the same intensity as for that man, but never the same pain either.
 flman2015
Joined: 10/3/2015
Msg: 3
At my wits end
Posted: 4/24/2016 8:54:48 PM
What I am going to suggest will likely be difficult for you to do at this time but...

While it is a fact that he wasted a few years of your life and broke your heart in the process, be thankful that you didn't marry him and had children with him. That would have made the situation much worse.

You fell in love with the person who you thought he was, not the person he really is. That's a lesson many of us have had to learn the hard way, just as you did.

You cannot get back the years you invested in him but, you are now free to invest your future in finding someone who will genuinely appreciate you. Do the best you can to realize that while the experience was not enjoyable, you were actually lucky that he left before you had invested even more of yourself.

During your relationship with him, there were probably clues of his "other" personality. Do your best to identify them and, most important, figure out why you chose to ignore them. In other words, learn about yourself from this experience in order to minimize the possibility of it happening again.

Hang in there... it will get better.
 wineaboutit
Joined: 2/18/2016
Msg: 4
At my wits end
Posted: 4/25/2016 5:15:31 AM
You need time to heal so it goes without saying that going no contact is essential. You cannot heal from somebody when you still talk with them or text them so resist the urge. My guess is he gave into his family's wishes but you are nevr going to know and knowing does not change the outcome.

While you need some down time to process the sadness, frankly too much free time is a bad thing now. You need distractions. Now is the time to take on a project at work, pick up a new hobby, do volunteer work, go back to school or take a class, try new things you have been interested in trying. I would not get too invested in dating right now because your wounds are still fresh, if you think you can do it without taking it all so seriously fine otherwise take a break. I did a graduate degree when I was going through my divorce. It was a huge time suck and kept me from thinking about things, if I had not screwed up one course I would have had a 4.0 GPA.

There is no one magic solution, if you find the sadness is too much, consider short term counseling.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 5
view profile
History
At my wits end
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:19:54 AM
Distractions will definitely help.

The one strong impression I got from this story is that you are stuck on the idea that the next step was marriage, and nothing else was OK.

I had a lot of animosity build up for him over marriage and him not committing.

If you two were living together, constantly dating, traveling, doing things together - you were together, you WERE ALREADY committed. Your actions speak louder than any label or words could. People quarrel and fight over issues all the time - it's resolving them that keeps people together.

Sticking your partner with an ultimatum like marriage is not always the best way to make things happen. It should be a voluntary act, a natural extension of your progress - the next step on a staircase - and some people take years to get comfortable with that idea. Even after getting a ring, engagements can go on for years as well. People are completely OK with the current status quo, and yet, I read stories in here all the time about how someone wants to stop everything cold and get that 'official' label to make things OK. A label doesn't mean anything if there isn't actions backing it up - including marriage. If you feel the need for the label, there must be a reason why you're insecure about what's going on.

The guy probably found a new direction he wanted to go. Stepping away from the relationship - silence - lack of actions together show that. Maybe it was a new partner, maybe it was a career opportunity, a drug addiction, family issues - it could really be anything - but trying to hold on to the status quo and force that label change isn't going to stop that new passion from happening. It takes time, communication, and a lot of patience to work through issues. Addicts don't get 'healed' in a day or two. Being able to work through whatever new issues are there is what makes the relationship last.

If the connection has been disconnected, and communication is not happening, you really can't do anything else about that chapter of your life. Like the scene in 'The Lion King' where the monkey smacks his staff across the back of Simba's head - it still hurts - but it's already in the past. Time to move on.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 6
At my wits end
Posted: 4/25/2016 10:12:28 AM
You mentioned that ordinary things ( post breakup) like being in a supermarket and picking out avocados triggered you to cry or being in a restaurant that you both went to, triggered a crying spell. Your reactions were quite normal even though you did not anticipate responding in this way.

After my husband died, I had to put gas in my car. He was a nice guy and would fill it up for me, but I did know how to put gas in the car. As I was filling up the tank, I broke down and cried. I felt like an idiot and had to ask a young man next to me to help and I explained why I was crying. I think it was the new reality of realizing that a relationship was over. I was single again. Sometimes I hear canned music in the supermarket and the song is one he liked and it brings on a twinge of sadness.

But I understand your grief.......... it will subside. You will always have memories.

However, his violent reaction in the car after the last date made me pause. I was honestly worried if he was going to physically attack you. I would have bolted sooner than you did . And he arrived drunk at your and his place and broke it off in anger, once again. Makes me wonder what was simmering in him to bring up such angry, violent reactions.

Let him go.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 7
At my wits end
Posted: 4/25/2016 10:20:39 AM
“I don't get why I triggered such a reaction in him “



Perhaps he was hoping after being apart the past 3 months he could see you again without the pressure of marrying you. But, you brought it up and spoiled that plan . Good for you ! You stuck to your guns, what is important to YOU. Otherwise, who knows how much more time you would have wasted .

One of the many things that are part of compatibility is having the same GOALS as a couple. When one wants marriage and one doesn’t , that isn’t a small detail to overlook. It’s HUGE.













“ no one should ever make a person react this badly. “




I’m sure it wasn’t your INTENTION to make him react this way. You wanted to make sure he was aware that marriage is still important to you . You were right to do that, as I said.










“Al I wanted was for us to be together. I forgave him for everything and tried moving forward.”







He made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want to move forward in the same direction. Try to focus on how great it would be to someday find someone who wants the same thing.









“I don't know how to move on, he is embedded in every thought, every second of my life.”












Many of us have felt this way and it is hard to go through but you will survive . Let me tell you how great it feels to think about someone who once held your heart hostage but now has ZERO effect on you !

Avoid doing things, going to places that will remind you of him.
Get out of the habit of thinking about him . Think of your mind like a tv and every time he pops into your head CHANGE THE CHANNEL. Don’t allow your mind to become your enemy by allowing it to suck you into dwelling on anything to do with him . PERIOD. Don’t take the bait.



One suggestion, make a list of things that make you laugh ( anything from funny scenes from tv shows, movies, personal memories , anything that makes you laugh or at least smile ), and carry it with you at all times. Look at the list every time you think of him as a way to change the channel. Make the list as long as you can. Add to it as you think of new things.










“I feel like I wasted all my young years on him; and now I'm all alone and almost 30. “





Try not to focus on time wasted , almost being 30, etc – thinking about it won’t change it so don’t make yourself miserable dwelling on it. Besides, you’re still very young anyway. Don’t get hung up on a number.
 JaneyBaney5757
Joined: 1/23/2016
Msg: 8
At my wits end
Posted: 4/25/2016 11:04:57 AM
Thanks for all your replies. I know theoretically speaking I need to keep busy, keep distracted, get my mind off him...but I just can't seem to do it. I am completely idolizing him, and I have zero idea why. I feel like I went insane. I have zero clue how 3 months ago when he first left I was at a low point, but then learned to live without him somehow. This second time around its a lot harder. When he came back it felt like I've been around strangers for the last months, and he was so familiar and it just felt right.

I think what's messing with me even more is his reaction that was so unlike him. I wonder what kind of Devils he has going on inside him to trigger such anger and hate. Realistically speaking I know he can't give me what I need and want, but I want so badly for him to be able to. I always wished he would be a man, stand up to his parents, stand up for his love and choices. I've always unfortunately felt that he just follows his families' opinions and stands up for nothing on his own. The whole situation is just beyond hurtful and I'm running on zero sleep and all I can do is replay memories of him constantly. Being at work today is a chore and something I can barely even do.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 9
At my wits end
Posted: 4/25/2016 4:40:59 PM
Nothing wrong with sleeping pills for such a bad period... It will be worse if it starts affecting your job and cause job anxiety in addition to heartache. Talking to your doctor may be a good idea.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 10
At my wits end
Posted: 4/25/2016 5:08:50 PM
Hi
I think you created a bit of a fairy tale and now are having a hard time dealing with the unhappy ending
Don't spend time on wondering about his demons
Stop making him the center of your Universe ( goodness he told you to FO and got so mad he burst a blood vessel)
Ask yourself.. do I want this in my Life? If yes, then by all means keep nailing your head the the coffee table.
Oodles of tips and tricks to move on from a bad relationship
First is
STOP thinking about him and what you hoped " might have been"
Stop saying what his faults were, be glad you don't have to deal with them
I know you hurt, but in 3 months it will be a memory
I wish you peace
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 11
At my wits end
Posted: 4/25/2016 8:12:17 PM
You had rational boundaries but failed to act on them :(

You told him you wanted to be married in 2 years and that never happened.

That was your cue to depart the relationship.

FWIW, I think 2 years of exclusive dating is enough time to know if marriage is in the works or not, and I've been married many times.

I rushed in each time.

I would have to wait 2 years exclusively before accepting a gals proposal to marry her :)

I know this sounds TRITE, but you are still young and there are many fish in the sea :)
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 12
At my wits end
Posted: 4/26/2016 7:37:11 PM

We had numerous problems.


we almost broke up many times because of numerous fights


His family did not like me.


He was never an advocate for me and I always felt he never stood up for me.


I guess he let them think that I don't come because I don't like them,


He said that he wouldn't marry ANYONE right now.


I felt he completely downgraded me,


and I wasn't his loving girlfriend and best friend but just someone he puts in a group of everybody and anybody.


From that point on our relationship got pretty bad.


I felt like my identity was being ripped away


Then he started telling me how his parents keep telling him that I have too much baggage (no idea what he even told them) and that he needs to drop me.


After all that, still this?:


a man whom I loved very much for over 4 years.


Al I wanted was for us to be together.


I have to ask....."Why"?


We had numerous problems.


we almost broke up many times because of numerous fights


Doesn't sound to me like the "happily ever after' fairytale.

Was this relationship really what you had been waiting your whole life for?


He used to be the sweetest nicest man, he was pretty much always calm and collected.


Is this the same sweetest nicest man that you had numerous problems with, numerous fights with, was never an advocate for you, didn't stand up for you, and let his family think you didn't visit because you didn't like them?


I guess I just need advice,


Take a deep breath, and reread all the negative stuff you posted about him, and realize you should be thankful that you have another chance to get it right with someone better.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 13
view profile
History
At my wits end
Posted: 4/26/2016 7:45:46 PM
OP: Do you have friends? I mean, close friends, people you trust, that you share your ups and downs with?
 JaneyBaney5757
Joined: 1/23/2016
Msg: 14
At my wits end
Posted: 4/26/2016 8:34:38 PM
Flaneur -- I do. But quite honestly I'm beginning to feel like a nuisance to them because my break up is all I can talk about lately. I'm sure they are just as tired of hearing about J as I'm tired of constantly talking and thinking about him.

I've never done it before because quite frankly I've always been able to handle the lows life has thrown at me, but I'm starting therapy tomorrow. I can't seem to handle this on my own.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 15
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History
At my wits end
Posted: 4/26/2016 11:06:04 PM
I'm going to be kind of questioning about it, but not to be harsh on ya. But questioning whys/hows/etc are a good thing. The bottom line is that NO, you guys weren't a match, even as your relationship wound down before the 1st breakup. That's the main thing to realize. And that no, don't be in love with marriage itself. That will rightfully drive guys good for you and not good for you away, and cause rifts.

I have vertigo chronically so I can't fly. He is from Kansas City originally and every time he would go back home I could never come with.

I've had that for a while before. There are things surprisingly simple that help resolve it to at least a decent degree. Ymmv, but some people have had it for over 10+ years and are like Holy Sh!t this is great! Me, mild vertigo but sometimes very strong -- gone. Had to feel my way out, but doing the motions of swinging your head in certain positions with your neck in certain positions (google it). Most people with vertigo can fly, although it can be a hassle. But never going to his parents house over years -- yeah, that's a big deal. How bad is your vertigo? And did you ever take a road trip from CA to Kansas City in your 4 years with him there?

I told him from the beginning I wanted to be married and thought it was the right thing to do if we made it past the 2 year mark

Okay, this is weird, though. So on date #x, you tell him "if we make it past the 2 year mark, I need to get married." Whoah. Not good. Kinda creepy. I can understand saying that *IF* you're in a relationship with anyone where the Relationship itself is Truly Great and demonstrated worthy of being married -- to yes, get married -- as you'd like to have kids and not hold it off, etc. But that should Totally be dependent on how well the Relationship is. Marriage isn't a goal with "insert person here". That's crazy, of course. It's if and only if you're with someone over a long period of time where it's demonstrated that it's the next step (and you don't want to hold it off).

[Years Later] He said that he wouldn't marry ANYONE right now.

Yeah, it sucks that at 4 years, if you weren't pressuring him about it all the time or anything from year 2 to 4. The main goal should be about the Relationship though, not about a bride costume, at that point.

That was so painful to hear and all I could think of was him comparing me to just 'anyone'.

To be fair though, good news is, he wasn't doing that. He was saying ANYONE to NOT offend you. :) Like, anyone -- even Tom Brady's wife who's a rich supermodel. Can't marry Anyone -- it's My problem, not you. That's what he meant. You misinterpreted that in the opposite direction, if that's the statement he said. But that's a good thing.

From that point on our relationship got pretty bad. .... I had a lot of animosity build up for him over marriage and him not committing.

Okay, so the pressure of you wanting to get married helped make it go from a good relationship to a bad one. Not that he's void of any fault! I'm damn sure he's not void of it, of course. But first, living with someone IS committing to them. A lot. Not being married doesn't mean not committed to them. Second, when someone's pushing for marriage and it tearing things apart -- that's really, well, weird. Hopefully you realize this now. You shouldn't WANT to get married when wanting to get married starting to break things apart.

Fast forward, I forced myself to date and to get to know other people and suddenly it was getting easier

Good...

He told me he missed me and he thought about me from moment he woke up to moment he went to sleep .... I kissed him right away and nothing felt wrong. It felt like we started back up where we left off. He asked me to drop all the men I was talking to, which I did right away.

Okay, from later in your post, this was 3 months later, okay...

I wanted to bad to make this work.

Oooh, that misspelling is foreshadowing something.... (too bad vs so bad)...

I told him that I know he now has a lease in a different city an hour away from me, but that I expect when lease is up to be living together and to be engaged. He agreed.

Wait, though. Okay, it's great you guys felt this rejuvination. That doesn't mean destiny. It's just human emotions of course -- whether they're right for you or not by any means. It's normal, and can be a great feeling. But right then you said you want to be engaged with him? Yeah, I know when his lease is up, but that's not the point, though. Is getting married to you a solution to problems with someone, or an accomplishment in and of itself? It's not. When you realize this, it will make you feel better about this whole thing. It will lessen the pain. Maybe in a few years you'll realize it, I don't know. I hope you do.

Marriage doesn't make things work. Marriage doesn't create commitment at all. It's not like that. I'm not implying he was an angel by any means, but I can say it's GOOD you two are NOT together. You shouldn't be. You're not compatible. You shouldn't get married or even Think of getting married to someone you have feelings for who isn't on the same page with you or you on the same page with them. If your relationship isn't fruitful enough where the other person isn't ready to make that step -- you can't force it. Nor should you even want to.

I know this sucks for ya. Maybe you can see a therapist or counselor or whatever. They can help make your transition process much more fluid & better.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 16
At my wits end
Posted: 4/27/2016 8:34:40 AM
“living with someone IS committing to them. A lot.”









I disagree with this – A LOT

I’ve lived with women and from my personal pov, the decision to move in with them didn’t mean any more of a commitment than when we had decided to date eachother exclusively just prior to that .
No, living with someone is about CONVENIENCE , as in, cutting your expenses in half, being able to have sex at the drop of a dime, constant companionship, etc

For some guys, living with a woman is about MOOCHING . Again, nothing to do with commitment, although, he may pull the wool over her eyes and tell her that.


IME there are pros and cons to living with someone.

It’s a preview to marriage, finding out if you can stand eachother’s quirks/idiosyncrasies day after day after day – PRO

After enough time goes by this human nature thing inevitably kicks in for many couples called “ taking eachother for granted “ - CON


I’ve heard many a horror story of marriages gone wrong and I avoided all that BECAUSE …. I never got married.

See, that’s the big dif between living with someone and marrying them :

Splitting up is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY easier when you’re only living with them vs being married to them.

( hint : no lawyers involved )


Who doesn’t know this ?
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 17
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History
At my wits end
Posted: 4/27/2016 10:20:27 AM
Jane,

Going to therapy is a good first step.

I'm curious, what was your parents marriage like? Are they still together, did they get divorced?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 18
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History
At my wits end
Posted: 4/27/2016 10:36:27 AM


“living with someone IS committing to them. A lot.”
I disagree with this – A LOT. I’ve lived with women and from my personal pov, the decision to move in with them didn’t mean any more of a commitment than when we had decided to date eachother exclusively just prior to that.

I agree with what you're saying, although one's mileage will vary. I agree that one doesn't even have to be moved in together to be Fully committed to them. And sometimes, people can be living together and not all that committed to them (periodically cheating here and there) -- or married for that matter. My point to her though, to correct & clarify, is that in her situation, being like peas & carrots, sharing every little thing in life, etc + moved in for years -- babe, you guys were committed. You can't get any more more higher than that.

living with someone is about CONVENIENCE , as in, cutting your expenses in half, being able to have sex at the drop of a dime, constant companionship, etc

I would say that's a big part of it, but it's not purely for convenience necessarily. Like getting married (convenience?), it's a step forward -- like you say, a preview to marriage, as you're living the married life. I guess ANYTHING you want could be considered a "convenience", of course. And for some, that will be the main reason. But I wouldn't say that's The reason, otherwise, it'd be the norm for two people who hit it off after two weeks would be moving in together if it was convenient.

See, that’s the big dif between living with someone and marrying them : Splitting up is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY easier when you’re only living with them vs being married to them.

Ahhh, okay. That's where the Convenience comes in. :)
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 19
At my wits end
Posted: 4/27/2016 1:58:30 PM

I’ve lived with women and from my personal pov, the decision to move in with them didn’t mean any more of a commitment than when we had decided to date eachother exclusively just prior to that .
No, living with someone is about CONVENIENCE , as in, cutting your expenses in half, being able to have sex at the drop of a dime, constant companionship, etc


I guess this varies from person to person. In college I had a couple of female roommates so after that, I never took it lightly. And when I had girlfriends I would rather have my place, my alone time and also my possible escape from the relationship. When ever I moved together with the girl, it was because I was totally committed to them, and them to me.

So such splits were as devastating as a divorce.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 20
At my wits end
Posted: 4/27/2016 3:24:48 PM
"when I had girlfriends I would rather have my place, my alone time and also my possible escape from the relationship. "




Whenever I needed alone time while living with someone I'd just send them on a beer run. You know, kill 2 birds with one stone kind of thing.

; )
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 21
At my wits end
Posted: 4/27/2016 5:03:12 PM
Reading men's posts on these forums make being single so much easier, for real... Or rather... Justifies the reluctance to date.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 22
At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 6:59:21 AM
Nice new picture Njgirl...don't let some of the men "comments" on here get you down....

@OP.....If you're not happy and content...let it go and move on!
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 23
At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 2:18:40 PM

Reading men's posts on these forums make being single so much easier, for real... Or rather... Justifies the reluctance to date.


We're such pigs.

Still NJ that new photo is hot, hot, hot.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 24
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At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 8:10:06 PM

I've never done it before because quite frankly I've always been able to handle the lows life has thrown at me, but I'm starting therapy tomorrow. I can't seem to handle this on my own.


A really, really good idea. It might not be possible to stop thinking of this man but a time will come when you think of him in a way that doesn't cause pain. It'll happen.

Friends will be supportive ... for a while. Then they'll reach sympathy overload and won't be available as folks on which you can lean. That's OK. By then you might be able to lean a little more on yourself and begin to change the way you think.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 25
At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 8:29:52 PM
A lot of folks could use some therapy.

One day I'll man up and do it :)
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