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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...      Home login  
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 andiem2016
Joined: 4/21/2016
Msg: 1
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So I started talking to a guy about 2 weeks ago on here, but also knew who he was IRL (we have some friends in common and work in the same town). Anyway we met for some drinks after about 2 days of chatting, moved to text quickly from this site. Had a few drinks and about 3 hours of conversation, a really good time. Now, here's where I'm puzzled...if he doesn't want to see me again, fine...but he keeps initiating conversations almost daily, asking about my day, etc., but hasn't asked me out again. I know he has joint custody of his kids, a very demanding job and very little free time, but I would think he'd have tried to nail down another date by now if interested right? I have stopped initiating contact, but sure enough, he still reaches out to me. I really enjoyed spending time with him, we have tons in common and would love to see him again...and yes I've made that clear. For example, he had his kids until 5 yesterday, about 5:30 he starts texting me after a few back and forth I suggest meeting for a drink somewhere with a patio since it was a nice day. He replied that he had a rough weekend and was just relaxing with a beer at home. Ok then...I wished him a good evening and was going to leave it at that, but he sent me a few more texts after that. WHY???

PS this account is just one I created to post with as I don't want my posts linked to my real account.
 wineaboutit
Joined: 2/18/2016
Msg: 2
Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:24:02 AM
My opinion, if he wanted to spend time with you IRL he would be asking to spend time with you. It might be that he does not really want to date or have a relationship but wants some low effort contact and so he continues messaging/texting. You have two choices: ignore the texting/messaging or tell him straight up you do not want a text dating or relationship scenario you want to spend time with people face to face and if he gives you the speech about being too busy then you know he does not want the same thing you do and you can just move on.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 3
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:31:04 AM
He probably likes something about you, but isn’t attracted enough to make much of an effort toward dating. To him, you’re entertainment, as opposed to someone worthy of investing his energy, time, emotions, and finances.

Even if he can’t afford to take you out often, he could suggest going on free walks in pretty settings, cooking dinner together, browsing a free museum, etc.

I know he has joint custody of his kids, a very demanding job and very little free time,

If this is true, he doesn’t have time to date in relationship mode. At best, he’ll offer occasional dates that go nowhere.

If he uses his situation as a reason to keep your expectations low, then it reinforces the idea that he’s not interested in the way you hoped.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:33:37 AM
You already asked him out. He declined without making a counteroffer.

He's not interested in dating you.

He like the attention, be taken, too busy. Whatever. He's not interested in what you want. That's all you need to know.

This kind of stuff happens all the time. Don't waste your time on it.
 irishgirl772
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 5
Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:35:01 AM
As busy as he seems to be, if he wanted to go out again, he would find the time. You offered to go out and he declined without a counter offer. Stop answering his texts. He is just looking for attention and you are giving it to him.
 andiem2016
Joined: 4/21/2016
Msg: 6
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 10:36:37 AM
Thanks everyone for confirming what I thought. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks that we've met in person and I know he had his kids all last week (every other week arrangement), so I've already decided that unless he specifically asks me out sometime this week, no more contact period. We are both in our mid 40's, divorced with kids and I certainly don't have time to play games.

And no, money is not an object, I know what he does for a living. My guess is I'm not the only one he's been talking to and he's stalling trying to decide his better option.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 7
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 10:55:25 AM

I wished him a good evening and was going to leave it at that, but he sent me a few more texts after that. WHY???

Because he has -some- interest in talking with you. He's not handling it right, no. But to be fair, you didn't ask him out on a date, but an in-the-moment "hey, want to go here right now?" Okay, no, he was unwinding, rough day. Ok. That happens, understandable. What would have been best is if you just said "Okay, well, we should get together sometime, if you're interested. If so, let me know when would be good for you. Until then, hope work and stuff gets better for ya." You're implying that you don't want to shoot the sh!t unless it's about setting up a date (requiring interest), first.
 andiem2016
Joined: 4/21/2016
Msg: 8
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 11:03:00 AM
Thank you for offering a male perspective, hadn't thought about it that way. I'll let you know if anything happens this week!
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 9
Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 2:49:53 PM
I went out with a man who displayed much the same behaviors you are describing. He was a police officer, we went to a Cuban restaurant (he seemed to know the staff). It was Valentine's Day *rolling my eyes really hard right now*.

We went out that one time, and he defaulted to giving me a daily update of his life thereafter. He never mentioned another date, no intentions to meet again, nothing but filling me in on his day, on a daily basis. I had enough by the next week, I asked him if he ever planned on meeting me again, or he just wanted to fill me in on his day. I'm not sure what he said, but it wasn't anything about setting up the next meeting, so bid him goodbye.

I'm getting the impression that there are people out there who just keep you around after a first date, as an option to be revisited later (should all others fail to materialize). They don't really have any intention of meeting you again, and they'll do a little bit of maintenance, reaching out frequently enough to keep you in circulation, but not take you out of said circulation. If someone is not trying to make plans with you after they've met you, but they keep on communicating, they are exploring their options, while not letting go of you entirely.
 andiem2016
Joined: 4/21/2016
Msg: 10
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 6:21:23 PM
Gah, so a few minutes after I'm home from work I get the "how was your Monday?" text. I waited half an hour replied & asked him when the next time was he was working close to my office (he rotates between 3 hospitals). He said tomorrow, I replied, hmmm me too :) he said he was in surgery tomorrow, I replied I had some meetings & that was that! No mention of meeting up after work... I'm out *drops mic*...
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 11
Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 9:35:23 PM
Lawd, I hate guys like that. I've encountered several like that, and the best thing is to tell them off and / or block them. Belle pretty much summed it up perfectly. I have this guy that I met in January for a coffee meet, and it's been the same scenario. Occasional texts, telling me how much he wants to see me again, but his life is so busy right now, blablabla, then days of nothing at all. Tried to set up several dates that never materialized, and then a week ago when he resurfaced again, I just ignored him. That's when he stepped it up suddenly, sending me frantic messages daily, telling me that he had had "phone issues" (hahaha, right), then the passive aggressive "guess you're not talking to me anymore", to "hey you", "morning", "are you going to talk to me". I finally told him that I'm not interested anymore and that I'm tired of his behavior, and wished him good luck. In response, he sends me a lame "I'm not blowing you off, promise, I'm not" . So I told him again, that I need a man of ACTION, not words, and that I'm not interested in him anymore. Hopefully he gets it now.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 12
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 10:09:09 PM
I think you're avoiding it too much. Not that I have any sympathy for him, mind you. On his part, it's a combination of bad game + not having high-level interest + expecting the girl to be on equal footing of setting up a date.

I would have said "So [Greg], you seem like a cool guy, but when are you wanting to go out or ask me out on a date? I'm not a fan of just being just text-friends. :)"

And if he wavers on it you can just just cut to the chase and say "Okay, well, I take wavering interest as not being that interested. As I said, not looking for text buddies. Hit me up only if you have real interest in a set date in the near future. Otherwise, good luck. :)"
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 13
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/25/2016 11:29:16 PM
If he unloads his problems on you perhaps that is all he wants. He may have someone else around, do you know for sure he is unattached? He may be worried about money and you could suggest an outing that costs little and see how he reacts. You don't really know how financial he is or what debts he has or whether he really does what he says regarding a job. If he does not respond positively to an outing that you suggest and keeps shilly shallying then cut him off. He is just wasting your time or has you hanging in case he has no other more interesting options. .
 andiem2016
Joined: 4/21/2016
Msg: 14
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/26/2016 8:18:05 AM
LOL, I DO know what his job is, there's no denying what he does, plus my boss is on his board of directors. Anyway...texts started again this morning...just chit chat, he mentioned he drove by my office & we talked about the new Mexican place that opened down the street from where I work. I asked him how late he worked because I could be talked into stopped there for a beer after work...no reply yet. I can not possibly be more direct!!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 15
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/26/2016 8:56:26 AM

I can not possibly be more direct!!

Yes you can. Read my previous post. It's not like you guys Just had your last date 12 hours ago. You've been texting some for days, he forgoed the last-second suggestion you had days ago -- you Can be more direct. Do it! :)

Tell him you think he's cool and all, but you don't want to be text-buddies -- do you want to go out again, yay or nay? That's more direct. :)
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 16
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/26/2016 9:13:03 AM
He keeps texting you and not asking you out.

You keep texting him and not being asked out.

Who knows why he's doing what he's doing. He's not interested in asking you out again, obviously. Yes, your hints WERE very strong, and you did actually ask him to go out again.

What I'm wondering is why, if as you say you're not interested in texting and not going out, you keep responding to his texts.

Because two are playing this game.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 17
Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/26/2016 9:58:20 AM
Maybe he is married or just wants a text buddy. Or it could be any one of 101 other reasons.

If he does not ask you out in a week, date others. Don't let people hold up your love life.
 andiem2016
Joined: 4/21/2016
Msg: 18
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/26/2016 11:15:30 AM
I do know he's not married, that's for sure.

If we can't get together today I will say something to the effect of "hey it's nice chatting and all, but let me know when you're free to get together again, I'd like to talk to you more in person". Then not reply unless he does mention a specific place & time.

Thanks again everyone.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 19
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/26/2016 2:01:06 PM

If we can't get together today I will say something to the effect of "hey it's nice chatting and all, but let me know when you're free to get together again, I'd like to talk to you more in person".


That's quite generous. Given what's transpired to this point, I wouldn't bother to say anything at all.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 20
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/26/2016 3:13:49 PM

If we can't get together today I will say something to the effect of "hey it's nice chatting and all, but let me know when you're free to get together again, I'd like to talk to you more in person". Then not reply unless he does mention a specific place & time.

Again, being too chicken and beating around the bush, at that point. You're fearing facing flat-out rejection which is why (hence, beating around the bush). At this point it's Not rude or weird at all to say the stuff above -- to actually get right to the point.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 21
Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/26/2016 3:15:52 PM
andiem2016- There are some users out there.
When this happens, you are being stringed along as the back up plan.
Solution- Cut the string and don't look back.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 22
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/28/2016 7:15:08 AM
Again...easy :-)

If a person is into you - they'll make it clear they want to go out with you.
If they aren't - they'll string you along, or find reasons to not go out with you.

Date with a purpose. The purpose of dating is to find someone long term.

When someone you go out with no longer qualifies for long term, then move on to the next. Whatever you do, do NOT waste time on someone that isn't a match. That's how people stay single...constantly investing time in go nowhere relationships.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 23
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/28/2016 7:16:31 AM
^^^^^^^^^^
That!!!

It's not hard to discern interest. When in doubt, there isn't any.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 24
Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/28/2016 7:35:19 AM
Whenever I'm unsure of someone's interest level, I would put the ball clearly in their court. In this case, the OP can ask him out with specific times and places. ( Instead of the spur of the moment, let's have a drink somewhere ) Or she can ask him if he is is still interested and mention that he hasn't asked her out in 2 weeks and see what his response is.
 andiem2016
Joined: 4/21/2016
Msg: 25
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Keeps contacting me, but no 2nd date...
Posted: 4/28/2016 7:37:42 AM
Well he did ask me out for drinks again last night :) He left town early this morning and will be gone until Sunday but made sure to let me know he will see me when he gets back.
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