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 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 1
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn upPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
So here I am new to the world of online dating. I tried to go in with a positive attitude and since I've had a lot of success over the years starting and having real world relationships with men - both- long and short-term - I felt I could be successful meeting someone online. Most men find me very attractive, I'm highly educated, have a good job, lots of interests and I love having FUN. I have a good heart and do lots of volunteer work as well. I'm certainly FAR from perfect, but no one is, and I don't expect perfection from my future partner either.

About 6 weeks ago a really nice guy here on POF messaged me and we chatted over a period of 2 weeks before meeting up in person (he asked me out). First date went well and we had a glass of wine at a pub and talked for 4 hours getting to know each other! We have quite a bit in common as well - a love of animals as well as numerous geeky interests. On our 1st date he even shared some highly personal stuff with me - he's got a couple of health problems (unusual for a 40-yr-old) and about a year ago had a major burn-out/ depression and was off work for a year (has now been back for a few months). A lot of women would have judged him and ruled him out for all of these health problems, but not me. I'm a very compassionate person and know what it's like to go through a depression, having been there myself, plus his medical conditions, while a pain, are manageable. He's also a bit on the geeky and overweight side but I found him very cute.

I should mention that we discussed in detail that we are both on the same page in terms of what we're looking for - we both are looking for a long-term relationship, not a one-night stand or just a sexual thing. We've both had long-term relationships before and he said he really misses that in his life.

He asked me out again on a 2nd date (dinner which lasted 4 hours) and then a 3rd date. In between dates he stayed in touch by email and text and would ask me how my day was, etc. Our 3rd date, things really took off - went for dinner and then after went to a pub until midnight. Had fun and never ran out of stuff to talk about. He walked me to my car and kissed me for the first time. That's when things really exploded! We started kissing and couldn't keep our hands off each other, went into my car and had a 90 minute make-out session. The hormones were flying so he asked me when I would be free to come over to his place. He tried to get me to come over ASAP, but I wasn't free, so we made plans for that weekend.

Last Sunday I went to his place for dinner and he had had an exhausting day so wasn't very chatty. Had supper on the sofa watching TV. I attributed his lack of chattiness to fatigue. We then went to the bedroom and the rest is history. I have NEVER had sex with ANYONE so quickly in my entire life, but I was so turned on and trusted that this was simply our relationship progressing to the next level. I mean he said he's looking for a girlfriend, not meaningless sex, so to me this indicated he was into me and ready to start a sex life with me. For the first time together if was pretty darn freakin' amazing. I even managed to have an orgasm. He also did and we went for round 2 in the morning as well. He kept raving about how hot I was and how amazing I was in the sack. We cuddled a bit and then had to get up for work. He did however seem emotionally distant in the morning and a bit on the cold side. He drove me home, and I kissed him goodbye and said "We'll talk soon." I had hoped he would have said "So when can we see each other this week?" but he didn't."

THREE days went by, and I heard NOTHING from him. I got a horrible feeling in my stomach. EVERY other guy I've ever slept with in my life couldn't wait to see me again and stayed in touch every day after our first time. Then 2 days ago I received an email from him. He basically said he thought I was really sweet and enjoyed our discussions but didn't feel "a connection" so didn't want to pursue anything further. I WAS ABSOLUTELY FLOORED. I did not see it coming! I asked him to phone me so we could discuss and he did. I tried to find out from him what happened or what made him think that this was not worth pursuing further. I mean we had a great 3 dates (you don't spend 4 hours with someone each date if you're not enjoying their company) and we could barely keep our hands off each other. It was only when I was at his house that he seemed a bit distant emotionally but I figured it was fatigue. But the sex was really good, especially considering it was our FIRST time together - he couldn't stop ranting and raving about how much he loves my body.

He either couldn't or wouldn't give me a specific answer as to why he wanted to end it other than he's not "feeling an emotional" connection with me. The only thing he alluded to was that I didn't get some of the jokes he made. But even then I did get SOME of them, laughed, and kept telling him how funny I thought he was. I asked him how could he be so sure after only 4 dates and 1 satisfying romp in the hay that the relationship could never work? I mean what the hell? You barely know someone after 4 dates! And if you are enjoying their company and have had good sex once, isn't that worth pursuing further to see if it could develop? I don't believe in love at first sight - emotions and feelings for someone take time to grow from spending time together. I would never rule someone "in" or "out" after only 4 dates. There is so much more to know about someone before you can say "Hell no!" or "Hell yes!"

He said he could easily continue to have sex with me but "knows" it wouldn't work long-term so we'd only end up breaking up 6 months from now anyway. When I asked him how he can possibly know that it wouldn't work when he barely knows me, and we've had a good time together so far, he said it's just a "feeling" of a lack of connection. But WTF, doesn't he realize "connection" is something that deepens with time?

I am really torn up about this because I was just starting to really like him and trust him and after we had sex, being a typical chick I felt even more affection for him. I feel like he's just slammed the door on a wonderful opportunity. I know I would be a great girlfriend to him and don't understand why he's not even willing to give it a chance. I feel like I must have done something (or lacked something) that was a turn-off to him. How else could he be so sure it wouldn't work, unless something turned him off? I just wish I knew what it was, but he won't tell me. He said he now realizes that he's not ready for a relationship at the moment, and fed me some bullshit along the lines of "if I couldn't make it work with you, I can't make it work with anyone." Yeah right. Says he's taking a break from dating. Then he said he wanted to stay "friends" and added me as a friend on FB.

I am so distressed I don't even know what to do with myself. I just never expected a guy who said he was looking for a long-term relationship to dump me after having sex with me for the first time. Every other guy in my past couldn't wait to dive into to a full-blown sex life with me after our first time together. I feel so shocked, hurt, frustrated, sad, and inadequate. I feel like I didn't measure up as aperson or a lover and that he ruled me out so quickly that he will never actually know the real me or see how amazing it could have been.

Anyone else ever had this happen for no apparent reason? MEN - please explain what is going through a guy's head when this happens! Do most guys who do online dating expect perfection from a woman from the first date? Do you expect to be head-over-heels in love by date 4? And if you're not, or you see any flaws, you just won't see the person anymore? I thought most adults realize that chemistry and love grows with time and only gets better after the first few dates. And would you sleep with a woman you weren't feeling a "connection" with if you were looking for a long-term relationship? I am truly baffled and shocked at how heartbroken I am over some guy I barely know.

Sorry so long and thanks for any advice or insights!
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 2
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 6:01:26 AM
First off I am sorry you have been hurt, been there and it sucks.

You are making it about the sex and I am not so sure that is the case. I have been in the same situation as the man you are talking about. Start dating a woman, leads to sex and then realize long term is not what I want. To paraphrase the connection was not there. One on one I have good social skills, am a pretty good date and I know the women in question were falling for me more than I was falling for them. When I was sure I was not falling in love I broke it off. I sound like an a'hole writing this but the reality is it happens.
None of those women had any recriminations about the sex, they are mature, wanted to have sex and enjoyed the sex. They did not think the sex made us a committed couple.

Again I am sorry this happened to you but if he broke it off 3 months down the road when you were head over heels in love it would be much worse.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 3
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 6:47:52 AM

When I asked him how he can possibly know that it wouldn't work when he barely knows me, and we've had a good time together so far, he said it's just a "feeling" of a lack of connection. But WTF, doesn't he realize "connection" is something that deepens with time?


The problem is you're expecting him to feel exactly the same way you are. I think the guy did the right thing by being honest. He gave it a try and wasn't feeling it, so why string you along and pretend it could be more down the line? You said a connection deepens with time. But there has to be a connection to begin with, and apparently, there wasn't for him. Not everybody is going to be a perfect fit for each other. You should be thankful he didn't give you the "I'm not feeling it" line 6 months, a year, 2 years later. I can have a good time with people I'm not romantically connected with, so you shouldn't use that as a gauge to measure level of romance.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 6:56:31 AM
Four dates is not a relationship. You felt it for him, he didn't feel the same. These things happen.

If you feel that sex entails some kind of commitment and that a relationship must naturally flow from it, I would suggest that you don't have it at point in time when neither one of you can possibly know this because you barely know each other.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 5
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 10:56:26 AM
It was one sided. You were more interested in him than vice versa. I can enjoy spending time with a woman and have sex with her. But eventually not want a relationship with her. There could be differences in lifestyles, beliefs etc that might make a woman more FWB material for me. At least he told you this now instead of using you for sex until he found something better.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 6
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 11:49:44 AM
Guys will be SUPER interested in you...love bomb you, etc...until they get sex.

...and then they're gone.

That's why you don't give it up so fast.

Lesson learned.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 7
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 11:51:37 AM
He's called a player. Some women wait until they put a ring on it to avoid this type of man.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 8
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 12:11:53 PM

On our 1st date he even shared some highly personal stuff with me - he's got a couple of health problems (unusual for a 40-yr-old) and about a year ago had a major burn-out/ depression and was off work for a year (has now been back for a few months). … I'm a very compassionate person and know what it's like to go through a depression, having been there myself … he's not "feeling an emotional" connection with me. … it's just a "feeling" of a lack of connection. … He said he now realizes that he's not ready for a relationship at the moment, and … if (he) couldn't make it work with (me), (he) can't make it work with anyone.

Others have offered good input. I’ll add another view.

I can’t tell from your post whether he was off work for a year at least partly due to clinical depression or whether it was entirely due to his other health problems, but either way, he has been through the emotional, physical, and possibly financial wringer. If his (professionally diagnosed?) depression was a significant part of his reason for being off work, and he has only been back for a few months, his emotional state is tenuous, at best. For now, he might not be able to feel a romantic connection with anyone, though he might wish he could.

He probably needs time to heal and get his life fully on track before beginning the type of relationship you desire.

I'm a very compassionate person and know what it's like to go through a depression, having been there myself … I am really torn up about this … I feel like he's just slammed the door ... I know I would be a great girlfriend to him … I feel like I must have done something (or lacked something) that was a turn-off to him … I just wish I knew what it was … He said he now realizes that he's not ready for a relationship at the moment, and fed me some bullshit along the lines of "if I couldn't make it work with you, I can't make it work with anyone." Yeah right. Says he's taking a break from dating. Then he said he wanted to stay "friends" and added me as a friend on FB. I am so distressed I don't even know what to do with myself.

If he could see this ^^^ in your words and/or body language, he knew you were light years ahead of him, romantically speaking, and your emotional involvement seems high. His decision not to pursue the relationship was probably best for both of you.

 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 9
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 3:23:12 PM
you are making this a reflection of you. make it a reflection of the relationship. You two met, the connection was good but not great, you felt it deeper than he did, and unfortunately maybe that's why he wasn't so chatty. You both had an orgasm, but sometimes things are close but don't fit. you could have found this out now, or years from now when you were really invested. in comparison, better to get it over with now, than then.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 10
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 3:47:14 PM
How about he just didn't feel it with you and left. Maybe sex or something about you made him feel he rather not go on.
Would it be better if you dated for 3 months and had sex for the first time then he left?
every time a man does not do what a woman expect from him he becomes a player. Well if that makes women feel good then let it be. Women walk away from men all the time for different reasons as well. Everyone will jump on him and say how bad he is and all to make the OP feel better about what happened.
If he was only after sex why would he leave the OP if he knew that now he can have more sex. That's too much work for a one time sex if you ask me.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 11
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 4:21:20 PM

He's called a player. Some women wait until they put a ring on it to avoid this type of man.

I disagree with that. An actual player is someone who wants sex pretty quick... not someone who will chat for 2 weeks, go out on a 4 hour date, not kiss her until the 3rd, message her frequently, and Then have sex (like many do) on the 4th. You could say he's a one who just like the early honeymoon phase then interest drops. I more agree with...

depression was a significant part of his reason for being off work, and he has only been back for a few months, his emotional state is tenuous, at best. For now, he might not be able to feel a romantic connection with anyone, though he might wish he could.

... this, and ....

If he could see this ^^^ in your words and/or body language, he knew you were light years ahead of him, romantically speaking, and your emotional involvement seems high. His decision not to pursue the relationship was probably best for both of you.

... that. He's a guy struggling with emotional issues and was pretty darn depressed for a while. Him not being interested in pursuing things after a (good) 4th date, although shocking, doesn't mean he was playing games to get some action -- especially when they're dealing with emotional issues. If OP didn't have sex with him, that may have kept his interest going for a bit for something in and of itself to look forward to, but it'd be way hasty to assume that in the end, things would really be much different. In the end, OP, you would be dealing with the same thing if you held out on fully putting out. If anything, it'd err on the side of being more emotionally distressing to you, because you'd likely go thru another few dates if slowly rounding the bases instead -- but the results would be the same. Even if you stopped at 3rd base.

But OP, yeah, it should hurt you. Things usually aren't That topsy-turvy, but his emotional problems make that more possible. You'll run into things like this on a bit of a lower-scale, and that's part of the dating game: Where you have a few nice dates, fool around a little bit, and the guy/girl isn't that interested, when you Really were and assumed that they'd at least be interested in seeing you again. That will still hurt, but don't be consumed about that happening. Just like 1st dates, you win some, you lose some.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 5:17:17 PM
This is actually a fairly common occurrence, in the larger view of things.

Online isn't any different from offline. It's all people, and how people behave.

I've been reading peoples' adventures with each other, and hearing about them and having some of my own, for a very long time now.

The critical thing I've learned that applies to situations like this, is that people act at all times, in the way that they THINK will get them where they want to go, make them who they want to be. But they aren't always right. And a lot of the time, the only way to FIND OUT that they aren't right, is to do things, and learn from having done them, that it was a bad idea after all.

Take the best of the situation: when someone does realize things aren't going to work, and lets you know as soon as they can, it at least minimizes time lost.
 lilydreams
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 13
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 5:47:27 PM
A bunch of messages, 4 dates and sex are more than enough to find out if he or she is into you. OP, you're just disappointed that this guy didn't think you were his forever partner. Better to find out early on after a few dates.

And this guy was NOT a player, IMO. The sex just might have been the kicker for him to say "nope, she's not the one for me".

As for hanging in there and hoping a person "grows" on you....like a fungus?? No thanks. It's there or it's not. And if you are so torn up about 6 weeks, a bunch of messages, 4 dates and one night of sex you need to rethink this dating thing, you're not 16. Next time it might be you that walks away from a guy because you're not feeling it. Don't settle and don't force it. Just be you.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 14
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 6:05:28 PM
Thank-you everyone for you thoughtful input and responses. Yes, a lot of what you say makes sense, and I appreciate reading all of your insights. Of course not everyone will "click" for a relationship with someone they go out with for a few times and I don't expect that. I guess I was naive in that I figured if a guy explicitly states that he's looking for a long-term relationship, continues to pursue you (he did ALL the initiating), wants to see you and then you have explosive physical chemistry, that he's not going to turn around and break things off suddenly at that point. I figure if you're enjoying the person's company and having good sex, then why not continue to explore it - unless there are actual dealbreakers. If the sex had been mediocre or BAD on our 4th date or there was some kind of physical turn-off about the person, then I could see him wanting to break it off at that point. But that wasn't the case. I guess I'm just baffled at what happened between date 3 and 4 that made him decide no, I don't want to continue to see where this can go. At least TELL ME what that was that changed. I'm the type of person that if I break off with someone, or decide I'm not interested, I know exactly why that is. If I'm "not feeling it" I will know WHY I'm not feeling it (the guy is a poor listener or question-asker, is too serious, doesn't appreciate my humour at all, can't hold an intellectual conversation, I don't find him physically attractive, etc.). I asked him why he wasn't feeling it and told him I would prefer to know what the incompatibility or dealbreakers were, since I like learning about myself for self-improvement in future relationships. Plus, it helps me understand why the other person is ending it. I would always rather know the truth, even if it hurts a bit. For example if he said "I don't like curly hair (I have curly hair) then, while a lame reason to break up, at least I would get it. But all he said was that no there were NO dealbreakers...he just wasn't feeling an emotional connection....and could not explain what he needed to feel an emotional connection with a woman. I find it hard to believe that a 40-year-old man doesn't know exactly what he likes or turns him off.

Also I guess my dating philosophy is a bit more realistic than a lot of people. I know for a fact that you can NOT feel attracted to someone and then spend time with them and once you get to know them at a deeper level and your relationship grows - even platonically - then poof! Suddenly you can develop romantic feelings for them. This has happened to me with guy friends I felt nothing for, and vice-versa as well. The impression I am starting to get about online dating is that people are expecting lightning to strike or to be totally in love within 3-4 dates and if they're not then they rule the person out, which I find very short-sighted, shallow, and sad. Even though I had sex with this guy I was certainly anything but in love with him and had made no predictions about where my feelings would go. I even had some reservations about him. I was simply taking it as it went - I had not ruled him "in" or "out" yet as a long-term boyfriend. How can you know that after only 4 dates? Just to clarify - I did not consider us boyfriend and girlfriend or in a serious relationship just because we slept together, as a couple of you implied were my feelings. But I was developing some affection for him and certainly thought we were both OPEN to spending more time together and seeing where it went. I would not have slept with him if I thought he was okay with a one-night stand. He had indicated that's not what he was looking for. So I do feel he misled me and was quick to judge and jump the gun about predicting the future of our relationship in a negative way, without even giving it a proper chance.

This feeling I am left with is less about my feelings for him and more about the fact that I am not coping well with being rejected so soon in the dating process - especially after making myself vulnerable emotionally and physically. And the frustration of knowing that things maybe could have gone somewhere if it had been given the chance. A missed opportunity for both of us, even if he did slam the door on it in his mind. The fact that he wouldn't give me a specific reason makes it worse than if he would have just been brutally honest and said " I don't think we're compatible because of x, y, z" OR " I like straight hair and you have curly hair" or whatever it was. The truth can sting but is ALWAYS better than not knowing why. So men - if a woman asks you repeatedly WHY you don't want to continue to date her, do the right thing and be honest about it. If it's something shallow, like you don't like a physical trait, say it anyway, even if it makes you look like a**** If it's something about their personality or values, also say it. Because I can tell you that NOT knowing leaves your imagination running wild, wondering what the hell you did to turn the person off. And that is far worse than knowing the truth.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 15
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 6:09:09 PM
A few things:

Let's start with the deepen over time stuff. It doesn't for everybody. I represent the Instant Chemistry crowd. She is either in from moment one or she never is. I don't waste time with tire kickers. If you read the forums completely enough, you'll find that most Instant Chemistry fans are women. So, it isn't some guy doing something way off base like some will tell you. What happened here is that you didn't get to the chemistry part until fourth date. I am actually surprised that he would remain open minded and let you drag it out so long An Instant Chemistry woman would have turned away in four seconds, never mind four dates. A lot of people talk about build up over time. It just isn't universally true.

No way was he a player and you weren't played. Only men who can't even buy it think that players start right in. They don't. The best way that I know of to score some easy cooze is to never talk about it. I might let a strategic moan escape every so often. When she asks me about it, I would throw her a randy smile, wag my finger and say, "Never mind." Not a single off color word from me but soon she will be pushing for it. Unless something like that happened to you, he was not a player. He just wasn't feeling it after the chemistry was finally investigated.

You will be fine in the end. Like you said, you are new to this stuff and to your immense credit you are trying to stay both positive and smart. Eventually, you will realize that this little episode didn't hurt you a bit. That is if you don't already realize it. Use this to more keenly dial in your own inclinations. You can get things exactly the way you want them.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 16
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 7:21:13 PM
Agreed not a player.

He didn't keep you around until something better showed up nor was he shagging others while he was with you (well, we don't THAT).

Sorry, it sucks.

At least he didn't try to treat you like you a FWB until something better came along.

YMMV
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 17
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 7:24:39 PM

I know exactly why that is. If I'm "not feeling it" I will know WHY I'm not feeling it (the guy is a poor listener or question-asker, is too serious, doesn't appreciate my humour at all, can't hold an intellectual conversation, I don't find him physically attractive, etc.).


Most people aren't going to be emotionally aware enough to understand how or why they feel the way they do. You just have to accept that and move on. And even if he had told you why ie: he didn't like curly hair, you couldn't hold an intelligent conversation blah blah what difference would it make anyway. Would you change yourself just to appease a man you hardly know? His opinion is not productive.


I would prefer to know what the incompatibility or dealbreakers were, since I like learning about myself for self-improvement in future relationships

The incompatibilities and deal breakers are going to be different for everyone you meet. Knowing his is pointless and self defeating. Don't rely on other people for self growth. Accept who you are, what you are and continue to manage your own growth regardless of outside influence.


This feeling I am left with is less about my feelings for him and more about the fact that I am not coping well with being rejected so soon in the dating process - especially after making myself vulnerable emotionally and physically. And the frustration of knowing that things maybe could have gone somewhere if it had been given the chance.


Understandably your ego is bruised however if you stop viewing rejection in a negative way you will see that rejection is actually a positive protection for you. One of my fav authors explains it like this "“rejection exists for a reason — it’s a means to keep people who are not good for each other apart.” So think of his departing as a gift so that something far better can come into your life. Things unfolded in this situation like they should have. It wasn't meant to be.

Your internalizing this as if your at fault or there's something wrong with you (the sex, the way you connected ect) when the reality is it had 100% to do with him and what he saw for himself. Nothing you could have done would've changed his feelings. There's a ton of guys out there waiting to appreciate, love and accept who you are right now. Don't waste anymore time analyzing a dead horse when you could be investing your time on the right guy.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 18
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 7:37:06 PM

What happened here is that you didn't get to the chemistry part until fourth date. I am actually surprised that he would remain open minded and let you drag it out so long An Instant Chemistry woman would have turned away in four seconds, never mind four dates.

I really don't agree. I think given the long dates, and on the 3rd date the very long & intense makeout session -- that's where it peaked (and on 4th date). I don't think that means there wasn't any chemistry before and he was just feeling her out. Could be though technically; wasn't there watching. I think the main thing is that chemistry can catch on the 1st date, but dwindle later.

I guess I was naive in that I figured if a guy explicitly states that he's looking for a long-term relationship, continues to pursue you (he did ALL the initiating), wants to see you and then you have explosive physical chemistry, that he's not going to turn around and break things off suddenly at that point.

First, looking for an LTR -- doesn't mean LTR-or-bust, that just means ideal for the future -- with an ideal person. Doesn't mean much selecting that by itself. It can very understandably be interpreted many different ways by the person filling it out.

Secondly, and this is important -- when someone is very new and sensitive to dating/romance and/or has emotional issues, many times their frame of mind will change once having some sexual relations. That chemistry you speak of, sets off sparks. Great. And they're positive. When that dust settles though (post afterglow), it can clear someone's head about the situation and make them think & assess things when they didn't before.

- Some people get overly Attaching, just by it happening itself or if they really like that person
- Some people get a bit wigged out if sex happened too Early
- Some people get wigged out when assessing things after, and get into LTR-or-bust mode -- due to many experiences where others Do get into Attach-mode. So they feel emotional pressure after to make it an LTR-or-bust thing, when they weren't thinking about it until things start to bleed into "more serious" zone. Sometimes they'll be like this even when the girl ISN'T getting into any visible attach-mode -- but they just Assume so due to past experiences. I know I've been like this to some extent before. :)
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 19
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 7:52:59 PM

I guess I was naive in that I figured if a guy explicitly states that he's looking for a long-term relationship, continues to pursue you (he did ALL the initiating), wants to see you and then you have explosive physical chemistry, that he's not going to turn around and break things off suddenly at that point.


You have mentioned this before-about him saying he's after a long term relationship. He probably is after a long term relationship-but not with you. It's not that difficult to figure out. Stop thinking that every date has to lead to a fairy tale ending.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 20
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/1/2016 8:03:11 PM

The impression I am starting to get about online dating is that people are expecting lightning to strike or to be totally in love within 3-4 dates and if they're not then they rule the person out, which I find very short-sighted, shallow, and sad.


I don't necessarily think he expected instant chemistry. Otherwise he may have lost interest after 1-2 dates. I don't expect instant chemistry either. But 4-5 dates is often long enough to determine if there is any potential for a long term relationship. It's also possible that he felt a connection on the first date and it fizzled out. At least on his end.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 21
rough sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/2/2016 7:58:44 AM
what Jessie said:

its likely not your fault. you took a chance on someone feeling the same connection you did. there are no guarantees in life, we take a chance and make an investment. If he handled it poorly, that reflects upon him. its rough, sure, but going back over the crime scene for clues of what you did wrong, when you didn't, is time and energy wasted on the wrong person. spend it on finding the right person.
 ginghamgal
Joined: 2/13/2016
Msg: 22
rough sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/2/2016 8:12:37 AM
I think this was about more than just sex and maybe the sex confirmed his thoughts. He may not have been emotionally available for a relationship. He could have unresolved issues from past relationships and/or he still has feelings for a former girlfriend.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
rough sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/2/2016 10:11:08 AM

I asked him why he wasn't feeling it and told him I would prefer to know what the incompatibility or dealbreakers were, since I like learning about myself for self-improvement in future relationships.


In theory, this works if people are guaranteed to be mature about it, and can accept constructive criticism and make improvements based on what they were told. But in reality, the "idiot" gene often takes over when people hear any criticism, and feel a need to retaliate by hurling criticism back at that person, act like children, and deny there's anything wrong with them. So people will play it safe by doing the fade away or disappearing act. Just because you say you want to be told what's wrong with you doesn't mean the person doing the criticizing knows for sure how you will react. Besides. if it's really a case of "just doesn't feel it", there is no explanation for that. It's either there or it isn't. Trying to dissect a person's brain to explain why they aren't feeling it is pointless.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 24
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rough sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/2/2016 10:16:10 AM
And besides, on person's deal breaker is another person's kryptonite.

And no, it would not necessarily make me feel better to know WHY. I don't need to know that he thinks I'm too bossy, or that my belly is too fat, or that he doesn't like my smell, or whatever.

Once you accept that somebody who isn't into you is not a match, you'll stop being so insistent that they should try harder to like you.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 25
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/2/2016 1:38:42 PM
Okay, let’s analyze this a little bit.

From your profile, you are 44, your profession is nurse, and you have a Bachelors Degree. So we know going in that you are not some wide eyed kid . And we further know that you are intelligent, educated, and know the practical side of life. Nurses have to be practical, they have to deal with the real world.

So you had sex with a guy on the fourth date. This after chatting for a period of 2 weeks, then a 4 hour initial meeting. 2nd date, dinner, another 4 hours. 3rd date, dinner again, then “a pub until after midnight”, so 6 hours approximate for the 3rd date, correct?

So this guy has spent weeks pursuing you, gone on 3 dates and spent at least 14 hours in your company. Not counting time spent chatting and texting and whatever. And then you say,


I have NEVER had sex with ANYONE so quickly in my entire life,

Does this not come across as a bit of a non sequitur to anyone else here?
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