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 BadgerBo
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 1
Starting Conversations?Page 1 of 1    
Lately, I've been able to start up a few conversations with women on POF. However, I've been noticing something. A lot of the time, they'll say they're interested in talking, but then make it extremely hard to talk to them. They give very short answers, if any at all, and refuse to elaborate without prodding. These conversations go something like, "Hi, [insert decent introduction and why their profile caught my eye]. Want to chat?" "Sure!" "Cool. Your profile says you like to read. What do you like to read?" "I like mysteries." "Who's your favorite author?" "I don't have one." "What's your favorite book?" "I don't really have one." "Do you like music?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Classic rock and country." "Who's your favorite band?" "I don't have a favorite." You see what I mean? They don't explain their answers or ask questions back. That's not a conversation, that's an interrogation. My first reaction when they talk like this is that they don't really want to talk to me, so they're giving me short answers in the hopes that I'll lose interest and go away. But if that's the case, why are they talking to me at all? Why not just tell me they're not interested, or ignore my first message altogether? Or is there something else I'm missing? Like, they want to talk to me, but they're waiting for... something? I dunno. Anyone have any advice?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 2
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 7:21:34 AM
First of all, what do you mean by "conversation"? Is it strictly exchanging texts? If so, you won't have any clue to who you are talking to. It could be a 15 year old guy or girl messing with you. Plus, you're talking to a total stranger, and some people are not comfortable opening up and saying a lot to a stranger. It's best to meet in person asap. They might open up more in a face-to-face conversation, once they get over the initial jitters and start to feel more comfortable. Isn't that the ultimate goal to begin with-meeting in real life?
 BadgerBo
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 3
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 7:25:04 AM
Actually, that's the exact opposite of pretty much everything else I've heard. Never ask to meet someone in person right off the bat. That makes you sound like a creeper. Have a few nice conversations online first, get to know them via text, and then ask to meet in person.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 4
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Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 8:19:52 AM
No. Not a creeper. That describes someone who does not want to waste time with idle banter and text. If you are here to date then date. If you are looking for a pen pal go back to third grade.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 5
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Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 3:32:03 PM

Never ask to meet someone in person right off the bat. That makes you sound like a creeper. Have a few nice conversations online first, get to know them via text, and then ask to meet in person.
I prefer around 3 decent chats/exchanges on here and then either TALK on the phone, or arrange to meet. I never never never move to texting . The few decent conversations have to be more than "what's your favourite book" though.

I don't ask those types of questions. I talk more about my life and activities. So for a second or third message, it might go something like "Hi randomperson, how was your day? I had to drive up to bigcity for work today but managed to get home early enough to take the doges for a long walk and now I'm relaxing and planning dinner. Not a bad day :) Hope yours was good too!"

How they respond lets me know how interested they are and whether they make an effort to get the things they want.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 6
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 7:33:51 PM

Your profile says you like to read. What do you like to read?" "I like mysteries." "Who's your favorite author?" "I don't have one." "What's your favorite book?" "I don't really have one."


That sounds more like an interview than a conversation. No wonder you got one word answers. You should've asked if she preferred to talk on the phone if you feel it was to soon to ask to meet in person, and exchange numbers. Or would that cut too much into your texting time?
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 7
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 7:35:04 PM

I prefer around 3 decent chats/exchanges on here and then either TALK on the phone, or arrange to meet. I never never never move to texting . The few decent conversations have to be more than "what's your favourite book" though.


I'm somewhat similar. Exchange 3-5 emails each way. Then exchange numbers and set up a date / meeting. A phone call is optional. Not mandatory. But I do like to exchange numbers prior to a date in case someone is late, has to postpone, or there is a last minute change of plans such as moving the date to another venue.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 8
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Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 8:32:23 PM

Exchange 3-5 emails each way. Then exchange numbers and set up a date / meeting. A phone call is optional. Not mandatory. But I do like to exchange numbers prior to a date in case someone is late, has to postpone, or there is a last minute change of plans such as moving the date to another venue.
Same here. I prefer no phone at all but don't mind if he wants one. I just don't like more than one phone call because it can create the illusion of a connection that doesn't exist once you meet in real life.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 9
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 10:20:04 PM
Badgerbo- More than likely, when this happens, you are dealing with a woman who has been dealing with OLD for a while.
This is a thread where I am sure men will agree with me.
When you join, you don't have a clue.
You have good intentions, but come to realize not every one does.
SO, you change.
Here's how OLD works: (like it or not, THIS is reality)
There is the initial contact.
Things go well in YOUR mind, now one of two things happens.....
They ghost, leaving you wondering what the heck happened (what happened is they found someone else they think is a better match and don't have the balls to tell you so)
Or, they agree to a meet.
The latter is like gold with OLD.
All I can tell you is to not take it personally when someone flakes.
It happens and it will keep happening.
I am mostly here for the forums, but I hold out hope that lightening might strike with OLD.
As I have said, many times, most of my hope is in IRL, so get out and meet people in PERSON.
I've compared OLD to playing bulls eye blind folded and that IS what it is like, so accept that and keep getting out IRL.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 10
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Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/27/2016 11:47:58 PM
No, most advice is to meet as soon as. A few little messages at first but you cant know anyone by text and nothing is real until you meet in the flesh. If the girls wont set up a meeting date within a week or so, move on. This will weed out the game players, the liars and the like. It is easy to arrange a meet during the day somewhere safe and just for a drink if they have any genuine interest.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 11
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/28/2016 7:11:36 AM


Exchange 3-5 emails each way. Then exchange numbers and set up a date / meeting. A phone call is optional. Not mandatory. But I do like to exchange numbers prior to a date in case someone is late, has to postpone, or there is a last minute change of plans such as moving the date to another venue.

Same here. I prefer no phone at all .... I just don't like more than one phone call because it can create the illusion of a connection that doesn't exist once you meet in real life.

I'm about the same. If one of us hasn't asked to meet within a few emails then I assume they're looking for a pen pal and I'm done, or I'm not interested enough to want to meet and I'm done. I detest talking on the phone so will not talk on the phone before meeting.

The short answers were due to: a) she really wasn't interested in you but was killing time for some reason (she was bored, she was fake), b) when you said "chat" she thought that meant "talk", not type and wasn't interested in typing, c) she was only interested enough to start chatting but you lost that interest with your first question, d) she was too busy at the moment for longer responses, e) she was hoping if she responded with at least something, then you'd progress to asking her out, f) she was hoping if she responded with short answers you'd take the hint and go away without her having to tell you outright.

I'm sure there are more reasons but that's enough for now.
 ThisIsWhatYouCameHereFor
Joined: 5/24/2016
Msg: 12
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/28/2016 1:28:48 PM
When men start this type of stuff, it turns into pen-pal drama and it gets old. There is either enough in common to meet or not and it is what it is. If someone is not responding with much, they are probably not interested. And women get bombarded with messages on top of all the idle bs/chit chat.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 13
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Posted: 5/28/2016 7:59:01 PM

y first reaction when they talk like this is that they don't really want to talk to me, so they're giving me short answers in the hopes that I'll lose interest and go away. But if that's the case, why are they talking to me at all? Why not just tell me they're not interested, or ignore my first message altogether? Or is there something else I'm missing?


Yes, you are, and the answer is very simple. You are asking closed end questions. Ask open end questions. Google it :)
 2016summer2016
Joined: 3/18/2016
Msg: 14
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Posted: 5/28/2016 11:39:03 PM
That is good advice, but it really doesnt work in OLD. The women he is referring to have very little interest in him and he is best off asking them out asap. Anything else is a waste of time. The open ended questions usually go like this:

"Tell me about your day"
"I worked."

or

"Explain your interest in ____"
"Depends."

Chances are they are on a cell phone and are too lazy/busy to type. With every question you ask, their interest will decline further and further.

At the same time, there are women that will reject you for asking them out too fast (the newer ones). Learn the women you are talking too. Put them in the "Seasoned vet" category or the "Newcomer" category. Treat them differently.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 15
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Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/29/2016 8:26:59 AM

Actually, that's the exact opposite of pretty much everything else I've heard. Never ask to meet someone in person right off the bat. That makes you sound like a creeper. Have a few nice conversations online first, get to know them via text, and then ask to meet in person.


Badgerbo, Do you "listen" to everything you hear? When it pertains to OLD, I learned a long time ago, to "listen" with one ear, digest it, and let it go out the other. Follow my own agenda.
Use what works and discard the rest.

It is common to interact with someone for a day or two, then poof gone. You can't force anyone to like you.
However................
My experience in OLD taught me. Contact-connect-talk-meet. Anywhere between a few hours, to 2 weeks. MAX! ( Ex. Prior commitments/vacations) Anything longer than that, I was being strung along. Attacked by a "Time Vampire". .............

You snooze, you lose, Next!
 Perspektiv
Joined: 4/24/2016
Msg: 16
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/29/2016 12:00:19 PM
Personally, I think the "short answers" is pretty common on POF, for either gender.

Many have been burnt, so don't feel like giving a guy any serious time, until they showcase themselves of being worthy of it.

I would avoid closed ended questions.

I.E "Do you like to travel?"

vs "What would you say is your most memorable travel experience?"

Also, I find the messages are a point and time to showcase your personality to her.

I've got a dark sense of humor, so showcase it in the messages and a little of it in my profile. Usually for me, once I've broken the ice cold ice, the women would from then on, be drawn into conversation with me.

If I can't crack the ice, after a few messages, I just move onto someone else--no point in chasing someone who isn't into you.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 17
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Posted: 5/29/2016 4:17:57 PM

That's not a conversation, that's an interrogation.

indeed. which is why you want to include conversational tactics other than questions. it's ok to make statements. some people will tell you you HAVE to rely on questions because statements make you sound like an egotist, like you're not interested, etc., but that's nonsense. what you want is the kind of comfortable and easy conversation people have with their friends, family or others they know. those conversations are not volley after volley of questions. they're questions and statements as the flow dictates. following a tactical script that dictates questions and questions only, you'll come off as inauthentic, and that's a sure killer of interest.


Or is there something else I'm missing?

lots of people are just here for the attention. if you're getting a series of one-word answers, you're probably one of a dozen simultaneous text/email conversations carried on by someone more interested in being the center of attention than actually connecting with someone. cut bait and find someone who won't bore you. remember, a woman has to prove herself interesting to keep YOUR attention, too.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 18
Starting Conversations?
Posted: 5/30/2016 7:24:08 AM
I know exactly what you're talking about. Many of these women are in a boat, or next to a very expensive car, and are themselves very, very attractive. They also know that. They also know that all they have to answer you is "whatever" and you will drop to your knees and kiss their little toes. These women are looking for a guy that has the balls to break over the noise.

Unfortunately for my taste, I don't have the patience to deal with them. So I stated that in my profile, to the point that some women would be all pissy and commented about it. Good.

In the end, if all you want is eye candy, a trophy girl, go for these women. If you want a real woman, with a brain and other parts attached to that brain, search using different criteria.
 seekinganactiveone
Joined: 12/25/2013
Msg: 19
Starting Conversations? - closed ended questions
Posted: 10/5/2018 4:01:20 PM
Nice!

I like the way you said that.
I.E "Do you like to travel?"
vs "What would you say is your most memorable travel experience?"

>>>>MANY OF US ARE NOT AWARE OF HOW TO CONVERSATE USING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
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I like to start off a conversation with saying my name and giving them a lil info about me (depending on where we are, etc.) and then asking the person their name....

But typically folks will walk over and say, "What's your name"?
I do NOT like this...it sounds very rude and childlike and I generally lose interests once that has been asked.
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@BADGER
You totally used closed ended questions and didn't mention ANYTHING about yourself. You did not share about yourself (at least you didn't tell us if you had).

You said the following:
""Hi, [insert decent introduction and why their profile caught my eye]. Want to chat?" and then bombarded with closed ended questions ---- and NOTHING about yourself.

See how wierd that is???
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AGAIN....MANY OF US ADULTS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ASK APPROPRIATE QUESTIONS AND SHARE INFORMATION....(no one is out to GET YOU)...open up if you really want to date and then ask the person out on a date....NOT AN INTERVIEW!!!

Which means....go and do something exciting that you both enjoy....NOT EATING, NOT DRINKING...but an activity...unless YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS ABOUT EATING and DRINKING or being the most BORING person in the world
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