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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?      Home login  
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 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 1
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
This has just happened to me. Together 2.5 months. I felt that he was making less effort & made the decision to call it off. However, he wanted to make it up to me & I accepted. He cooked a romantic meal, created a really nice ambience & took care of me all night. We had a heart to heart about the future (he was feeling unsure about his professional future), but he also said he wanted to see how things could grow between us. He said he took responsbility for what had happened before & that he wanted to be more attentive in future.

The next morning he phoned me from the airport. He was going to visit family & celebrate his birthday. When he returned, calls stopped, no more texts, etc. He he said everything was fine. He denied ignoring me & also said he had had no internet for days (a lie as I saw him online). I finally asked if he was seeing others & he said 'I don't understand why you would think that?'. When I said it seemed like a possibility given his distance, he stopped replying. That was a week ago.

1) What do you think the main reasons are for people doing this to someone they have been dating?

2) Share your experiences (if you are a ghostee, how did it make you feel & how long did it take you to recover?If you are a ghoster, why did you do it and how do you feel about the situation in hindsight?),

For me, it was traumatic at first. To go from feeling closer than we had been (ie. I felt the relationship was about to move up a level), to having the rug pulled from underneath me was horrible. He went from calling me every day to nothing at all. I cried, felt angry, felt he had never respected me and perhaps never even liked me. I questioned how I could get close to a person who would do this. And finally, even though he had asked for exclusivity, I wondered if there had been someone else all along. I felt played.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 2
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 2:07:48 PM
Here are some reasons I've chosen to stop seeing someone. Please note that none were because I'd started seeing someone else:

- Felt smothered.
- Sensed anger problems.
- He believed in conspiracy theories.
- Sexually incompatible.
- Conversation bored me/he wouldn't stop talking.
- Different socio-economic level.
- Suspected he was using cocaine.

That's all I can recall for now, from over about the past ten years, at least.

* Forgot one: He almost drowned me.
 Red_Fish_Blonde_Fish
Joined: 6/3/2016
Msg: 3
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 2:16:09 PM

I felt that he was making less effort & made the decision to call it off. However, he wanted to make it up to me & I accepted

Therein lies the mistake- you accepted less than you should have.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 4
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 2:39:01 PM

Therein lies the mistake- you accepted less than you should have.


I know. I accepted because I took the offer to cook a romantic meal as a genuine gesture. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I'm now thinking he intended to ghost me ever since I called things off (ie revenge).

What I really don't understand - why not just say 'Sorry, but I no longer want to date for X reason. I wish you all the best.'? I even said 'I'm not angry or upset, but after 2 months of intimacy it is hurtful to ignore me. Please let me know if you've changed your mind, so I can move on to date others' - he denied wanting to stop dating and as I said, never heard from him since.
 Red_Fish_Blonde_Fish
Joined: 6/3/2016
Msg: 5
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 2:48:34 PM

What I really don't understand - why not just say 'Sorry, but I no longer want to date for X reason. I wish you all the best.'? I even said 'I'm not angry or upset, but after 2 months of intimacy it is hurtful to ignore me. Please let me know if you've changed your mind, so I can move on to date others' - he denied wanting to stop dating and as I said, never heard from him since.


There is a while plethora of reasons as to "why" but the bottom line is: he is not of your caliber in regards to character. Keep your bar set high, he knew yours was & that he would not be able to live up to it & that is the true reason he bailed.

We can surmise: emotional issues, financial woes, unfaithfulness, addictions, etc. but the above is the bottom line.

People put their best foot forward at the beginning, so if they mess up early in the relationship, trust your instincts & keep it moving.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 6
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 3:04:32 PM

There is a while plethora of reasons as to "why" but the bottom line is: he is not of your caliber in regards to character. Keep your bar set high, he knew yours was & that he would not be able to live up to it & that is the true reason he bailed.
We can surmise: emotional issues, financial woes, unfaithfulness, addictions, etc. but the above is the bottom line.
People put their best foot forward at the beginning, so if they mess up early in the relationship, trust your instincts & keep it moving.


Thanks red_fish. Those are kind words and I appreciate them.

When I think back...I actually did say to him (when he tried to create excuses) that there was no excuse for how things had been. He was quiet and then said he knew things needed to be more reciprocal...that he had not been giving as much as should have.

I took this conversation to mean he was going to step it up. I now think it just meant 'I'm not making an effort and don't intend to.'
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 7
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 3:35:14 PM
Whatsamattababy - but did you actually GHOST them or did you break up with them? And yeah...some of the reasons on that list are pretty crazy (especially the last one!).
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 8
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 4:03:17 PM
^ My bad. Didn't understand the terminology.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 9
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 6:35:27 PM
He was just not ready for a real commitment. I dont know how old he is but he lied to you and took the coward's way out so there would be no confrontation. Happens a lot. You did only know him for 10 weeks and obviously were sexually intimate which involves your attachment feelings. However it is not always the case with guys. He may have been seeing other women all along but whatever, he is not for you and you will get over it. I feel he may try to contact you again but up to you what you do but I know I would not give him time of day.
 StumbledN
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 10
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 7:27:30 PM

* Forgot one: He almost drowned me.

LOL! omg I almost fell out of my chair with that one ;-)


1) What do you think the main reasons are for people doing this to someone they have been dating?

In most cases, I think the reason is that they're natural born inconsiderate ***holes. And you just don't notice that until they find someone else to hop over to.
In other cases, they may never have learned to be considerate and someone else did the same thing to them. So they think that's the way it's supposed to be handled.
And lastly, they've been listening to one of Simon and Garfunkel's hits about how to sneak out the back Jack. And I guess they think that's the way it's supposed to work.


2) Share your experiences (if you are a ghostee, how did it make you feel & how long did it take you to recover?If you are a ghoster, why did you do it and how do you feel about the situation in hindsight?),


Second part first, I've never been a ghoster. I think it's an incredibly childish way to end a dating relationship, much less a more serious one.
And I've been the ghostee only once. To this day, I have no idea why she vanished on me like that. I just assume she found someone else that she wanted to date, but I dunno.
I worried about her well being for a week or so, but then ran across someone who had seen her. And after I knew she was alive and doing fine, I just let it go. We had dated for a few months but we hadn't fallen head over heels in love or anything close to it. So there wasn't really much to get over.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 7:54:16 PM
stumbledN:
Simon and Garfunkel's hits about how to sneak out the back Jack.


Just a note: that was from a SIMON song. Garfunkel wasn't involved. And amusingly enough, Simon "ghosted" on Garfunkel after a reunion album was recorded. He got annoyed, and erased all Garfunkels tracks, and then released the album as another Simon venture. Real classy dude.

Anyway. You're in your twenties, and I assume this guy is as well. That makes a difference. Younger people are less likely to know what the heck they are about, and are more likely to try to keep a relationship going, simply so that they can say they did.

My bet would be that when you threatened to call things off due to lack of interest, that you accidentally challenged his ego to a "can you really do it" sort of way. He was able to follow through at first, on sheer bravado, but once he took his trip and got some distance, he sort of realized that he was just putting on a show of things, and wasn't as into it as he was trying to make HIMSELF think he was.

Since there's no set, approved , pat-on-the-back way in our society to directly say something like "Well, it turns out I'm not as sure as I am afraid that you are, that I want to be more than occasional date-buddies," so he just went silent, held still like a rabbit waiting out a cougar, and hoped everything would solve itself.

I don't THINK I've ghosted anyone. But I've had a few situations where someone called me or wrote me angrily after I thought they had dumped ME, and demanded to know why I was "ignoring them." So maybe there are people who do think I "ghosted."
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 12
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/19/2016 8:46:55 PM
Never take someone back once they've ended it. Ever.

IME, 6-10 weeks is about the point where someone decides incompatibility exists.

I can tell you this. I'd rather be ghosted then have someone try to settle on me while they searched for a bigger, better, deal. I got to the point of actually exchanging 'I love yous' with someone at the 8 week mark, only to have her change her mind 2 weeks later and want to continue having sex while the profiles were visible again.

So, in a way, be grateful he didn't try that crap with you.

I'm not condoning his behavior either. Were you played? I think he settled on you until something better came along. If you consider that playing, then yes, you got played.

That being said, some folks are serial monogamists and feel that it's ok to date around as long they're being monogamous with you until something better shows up. They're keeping their options open.

I think that guy was doing that with you.

What are the ethics of that? I don't know. I'd just say again, don't let someone back in once they've ended it with you.

FWIW, I've never got that far (i.e. 2.5 months) and ghosted someone. I'm usually the one to end things rather quickly once I sense some incompatibility.

Finally....let me phrase this as delicately as I can....both genders are equally as capable of viewing someone as good for casual but not long term.

Sadly, he thought he could group you as the casual thing.

Some folks don't get dates.

Some folks get dates and no sex.

Some folks get sex but no relationship.

Guess what category you fell into ??
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 13
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 12:37:36 AM
I'm so sorry you went through this. It is such a hurtful, selfish and disrespectful (not to mention immature) thing to do to someone - especially someone who has acted decently with the ghoster during the relationship. From what I've read, it's become an epidemic of late. While both men and women can be guilty of ghosting, it seems to be something that men do more often (don't have any hard stats on that....just basing it on the numerous articles I've read about the phenomenon). It seems to happen to people of all ages and walks of life and personality types, so it does NOT reflect on your worth as a partner/ girlfriend. It does say everything about the person who does the ghosting though - that they are an immature coward who lacks the ability to empathize with the person their dating and doesn't care how much they hurt that person. I really think the psychology behind it is that the person is simply too much of a wuss to deal with ANY type of uncomfortable communication so they take the "easy" way out - which for them means ceasing communication without explanation. What they don't realize/ don't care about is that it makes them look like a total sh*t and causes far more turmoil in the person they've ghosted than if they just would have broken up with them to their face.

I've never ghosted anyone, but I went through a pseudo-ghosting last year. Was in a very intense and emotional long distance relationship with someone in Australia. We Skyped literally every day, sometimes for hours at a time and messaged each other about a dozen times a day to stay in touch. We even had a long distance sex thing going on (the miracles of Skype). He became very serious about me very quickly (much faster than I fell for him) and for months told me how much he loved me, wanted to marry me, that I was the woman of his dreams, etc. etc. Introduced me to his family via Skype and we made plans for him to come visit me here in Canada in January. His hope was that we would eventually get married and he wanted to move to Canada. He even started looking for jobs here. After 5 months I knew I loved him and was beyond excited about his impending trip here. For a variety of complicated reasons, a few problems cropped up that put huge stress on our relationship. He started becoming less attentive and more emotionally distant than he had been for all those months. I was becoming unhappier, but was still looking forward to him coming. One day we had a bit of an argument. He was moving houses a couple of days later and said he would Skype me from his new place. That week he just stopped messaging me and he never contacted me from his new place. At that point I was very upset and said to myself "I'll be damned if I contact him or try and chase after him." So I didn't. Didn't send him a single message....I just let him go, but kept thinking "surely he will contact me soon." Days turned into weeks. I felt completely ghosted and was devastated. This was the man who had proclaimed his undying love for me. Two weeks after our last contact he finally messaged me and had the nerve to give ME sh*t about not having stayed in touch with him! I tried to discuss our relationship with him, but he wouldn't even talk about it. He refused to even have a break-up conversation. A few weeks later I found out that he had signed up to POF and was dating local women in Australia. Didn't even have the guts to end it with me or express any reason why he had decided to not visit/ move to Canada after all. I agonized over what happened for months after.

Ironically after about 4 months of no contact he actually Skyped me a couple of weeks ago and tried to get me to have cyber sex with him again! "I think about you all the time....not a week goes by that I don't miss you....blah blah blah." Whatever. I told him cyber sex would be happening when Hell freezes over. We did have a brief conversation about our relationship, so I got some minimal closure in the end, but not much.

All to say, I totally understand the pain of being ghosted and it totally sucks. It's one of the worst things you can do to someone. Although it's hard, try not to let this situation get you down. It is a reflection of this idiot that you dated - NOT you. You're still so young so I know you will bounce back from this with time and it will simply be added as a story to your dating history book. Good luck.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 14
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 3:42:59 AM

He was just not ready for a real commitment. I dont know how old he is but he lied to you and took the coward's way out so there would be no confrontation. Happens a lot. You did only know him for 10 weeks and obviously were sexually intimate which involves your attachment feelings. However it is not always the case with guys. He may have been seeing other women all along but whatever, he is not for you and you will get over it. I feel he may try to contact you again but up to you what you do but I know I would not give him time of day.


Thanks Letitia. It is the lying that really bothers me. He said to me 'I hope you aren't seeing other guys because I'm only seeing you and have no intention of dating others.' It makes me a bit sick to think that he *could* have been sleeping with others while I was with him.

ClooneysTutor - well we were going on different types of dates AND sex. In fact, there were times when he would walk me home without trying to sleep with me. So I didn't think that was all there potentially was to it, until later.

If he was settling with me...well, whatever. I'm an attractive woman and have a lot going for me (he couldn't stop lavishing compliments on me for the first month or so, of course). I think especially with OLD people have a GIGS/kind in a candy store mentality with dating.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 15
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 3:43:49 AM

My bet would be that when you threatened to call things off due to lack of interest, that you accidentally challenged his ego to a "can you really do it" sort of way. He was able to follow through at first, on sheer bravado


Can you explain what you mean by this exactly? Why would he do this?
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 16
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 3:49:01 AM

"Well, it turns out I'm not as sure as I am afraid that you are, that I want to be more than occasional date-buddies," so he just went silent, held still like a rabbit waiting out a cougar, and hoped everything would solve itself.


The problem is he refused to discuss the relationship (or whatever it was) at all. I would straight up ask him, what is it you want, dates, sex, etc? It's better that we can be honest with each other. He had ample opportunity to honestly tell me what he wanted. But he never, ever would. I wonder why not?

And in doing so, he never found out what I wanted either - probably just guessed at it in his head. This type of confusion is a death sentence for any type of set up IMO.
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 17
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 4:57:15 AM
"Takes a trip somewhere and suddenly stops calling, lies about not having internet for days". Yup there's someone else in the picture and it's turning in the direction he wants it to go; you were fun, but a second choice. Could have been someone who broke up with him he was still pining away for, or someone he just met who excited him more. It doesn't matter, really.

Something like that act happened to me twice. The first was a long time ago. He was separated from his wife. We dated for a month or two maybe. He ended up going back to his wife. Bummer, because he was so much fun. But more than I was disappointed for myself, I happy for him and his family to see them try to reconcile with his wife, esp. since there was a little kid in the picture.

The second one was just a plain old a nasty experience. We hadn't dated for very long, either. One day he disappeared for no reason and wouldn't answer calls/emails. Took another week to figure out WTF. If he had grown some balls and told me he wanted to end the relationship because ___ (make up a reason in lieu of the real one?), instead of going completely MIA for a week and then making up some unbelievable story about it, I could have at least appreciated him for his honesty, the fukker.

The difference between the first and the second guy, was the first guy was straight up when he told me why we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore. It only took him a day or two to spill the beans, as opposed to running away like a little girl until you finally figure it out.

In hindsight, I still have fond memories of the first guy but that second SOB did me a big favor. I think most people who walk out of your life are.

vvv *Edited, it happened twice LOL.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 18
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 5:11:20 AM

That happened to me once. Nasty experience. If he had told me that he wanted to end the relationship because ___ (make up a reason in lieu of the real one?), instead of going completely MIA for a week and then making up some unbelievable story about it, I could have at least appreciated him for his honesty.


I'm sorry to hear that, as I know how hurtful it is.

I would have appreciated a simple break up message that 1) would have honoured our time together by ending things properly and 2) Not made me rehash the whole thing over & over again. IE: Was he lying to me the whole time? Were those 2.5 months a complete lie?

I would also have appreciated this guy for his honesty. In my last message to him, I told him why I thought he may be seeing others (after he said "why would you think that?" - I think he was surprised I'd figured it out!). The fact he didn't try to deny it/put my mind at rest stung a lot. He must know that hurt me.
 softwinds45
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 19
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 5:20:14 AM
You dodged a bullet. This guy was obviously not the right one for you. Now let yourself just move on. You're not going to get any answers as the "why, why, why" because he's not here to answer them. It was 2.5 months and not 25 months or 25 years, you're giving him too much credit by allowing him to take up more space in your head with all the "whys". Forget him and move on.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 20
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 5:21:55 AM
The final thing that really angers me about this is the fact that HE asked ME to stop seeing others when he found out I was dating another guy.

So I stopped seeing that guy (who I did like) because I had to make a choice and chose him. The fact he requested that I stop seeing others & may have been seeing others himself angers me beyond belief. How am I going to trust my dates going forward after this nonsense?
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 21
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 5:30:29 AM
Katy, but when it comes to other people there are NO intimate relationships you can have that aren't without some kind of emotional risk. At some level, you have to assume that risk.

Everyone takes their turn at getting hurt or hurting someone in this world. So I don't see the point in building huge walls (maybe a moat?) and never being able trust anyone again because you dated a schmuck.

You must know how many people start new relationships with a entire raft of backstories they aren't going to tell you, that could end up derailing what YOU heretofore thought was awesome. Trust your own judgment instead of assuming everyone will always treat you fairly, honestly and without ulterior motives. That way, if and when they don't, you'll ultimately be ok with it and not start collecting a bunch of defensive baggage that only limits your future.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 22
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 5:38:38 AM

The difference between the first and the second guy, was the first guy was straight up when he told me why we wouldn't be seeing each other anymore. It only took him a day or two to spill the beans, as opposed to running away like a little girl until you finally figure it out.


Ghosters, take note! When we ghost on someone, you obliterate any fun memories/times you had together. While a simple break up later allows you to look back on the time you spent fondly (however long or short), ducking out like a coward casts a shadow over the whole thing. Is that how you want people to remember you?
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 23
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 6:34:34 AM
Another ghost story for you:

a couple of months ago a good friend of mine was ghosted by a guy. She had been seeing him for a couple of months & when she said she was searching for a flat around his area (it's a popular area), he offered to help her search. They searched together & he found her a place in his street...she chose the place & on her first night he came over. They cooked together, had a nice night, etc. But before leaving, he said "If I were to just...disappear...would you come looking for me/come to my house?"

And you guessed it. GHOST.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 24
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 7:55:47 AM
Paranormal activity is prevalent online.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 25
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/20/2016 8:03:06 AM
If there is mutual disinterest after some date(s), then I don't think it's necessary for either person to say anything. When the interest is one sided, then I think it is good manners for the uninterested person to let the other person know so (s)he will know sooner and can move on sooner. The disappearing act happens because some people simply don't have courage and/or courtesy.
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