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 cookymaker
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 1
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
We all have had an experience that totally changes our outlook on how we either deal with relationships or how we love

Me ---(THIS IS NOT A PITY POST)
I lost my only son to cancer back in 2007. I am forever changed. Some people may just grieve and lose hope of happiness and I feel sorry for them. I am not like that. Oh, I grieved deeply. I had no idea of how I would live in a world without my child. But time passed and I woke up each day - the sun was still shining, birds were singing. I am still very much alive.

For me it means there is not one human on this earth who will ever break my heart the way losing my son did. Not a divorce (mine was final a few weeks after my son died) not rejection from a potential love. NO ONE.

I have found this out...
Once you have lost someone you love through death - yet you survived and rediscovered joy - you are capable of loving to the fullest because you know you will survive any heartache. There is no more fear of giving it your all.

That's me. I don't expect everyone to be this way - but this is who I am today

What's your life changing experience if you care to share?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 2
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/10/2016 8:22:04 AM
I can't point to one event, I was always interested in the other sex, and like anything that interests me, I read everything I could to learn about what I love, and observed when and where I could and thought and considered about it. I never really understood those who like something yet can't be bothered to get to know about it. Meanwhile, I agree, if we go thru problems rather than avoid them, we learn our own strengths. we fear what we don't know, but if we know we can withstand a bankruptcy or a divorce or any other loss, we learn we can handle other things. we can't avoid all problems, but we can handle the outcome.

good question, btw. We'll do our best to deviate from it :) lol
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 3
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/10/2016 10:09:34 AM
Sorry about your son.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 4
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/10/2016 12:30:17 PM
Sorry about your loss of your son also.

What personal events changed my outlook on love: abortions I had at age 18, and yes I am pro-choice. Watching my father die; took me many years to get over that. Watching my husband die and at the same time not being able to shield my adult children from the pain. Life changing moments.

Ferlinghetti is as a relevant a poet as when he wrote " A Coney Island Of The Mind" in the 1950's as today. T S Elliot's complete works: " I grow old....I grow old...../I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled."

William Carlos Williams: " You are the typical American woman/ you think men grow on trees--/You want love, only love! rarest/of male fruit! Break it open and/ In the white of the crisp flesh/find the symmetrical brown seeds."

The last is my own poem about loss. Written by Ndm.

One last breath, one lost key, two shoes
find me
in the abyss of murky waters,
Symbols--
Words ( when I learned to read I
learned to define).
parents struggled, children hid
behind Dr. Seuss , Cat in The Hat,
Mary Poppins and
nursery rhymes.

Sounds that shriek,
lights that blind--
Should I
weep?

Let's go. Say goodbye.
In the dreams within
my sleeping self
I swim away
terrified
but to answer questions:
What is
the soul
the heart
the death
the resurrection?

More fury these days
and
too little surprise.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 5
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/10/2016 1:47:07 PM
I don't think my outlook on LOVE has changed at all over my lifetime. My outlook on relationships has changed, and I have learned what mistakes I tend to make, and why I make them. I haven't truly changed my behavior, but at least I understand what's going on when things happen and I don't have the anger & resentment I would have shown decades ago.

There's always another fish, and it's an ACTIVE search if you want to find it.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 6
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/10/2016 2:08:52 PM
At the ripe ol' age of barely 28, approx 10 months following the birth of my daughter, waking up from an "Exploratory" surgery, to have the surgeon inform me, "You had a complete Hysterectomy, we took your Appendix also, since we had you open, and you had Ovarian Cancer. We won't know, if the cancer has spread for about another week, but you may only have perhaps 6 months to live if biopsy reports are positive. ............See ya!
The following week, I visited a funeral home.

I treasure each and every birthday, not the least bit shy to admit I'm 61, and I love with all my heart.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 7
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/10/2016 5:40:54 PM
Me....I don't even believe in L O V E anymore.....There really ins't any such thing..

too many things have happened for me to list that brought me to that thought........

I'm just very tired....and very uninspired these days.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/10/2016 7:46:11 PM
Now that you mention it, none of the deaths I have experienced have had any affect on how I relate to people, or my understanding of love. What I went through because of them, has so far always confirmed my understandings.

It was the betrayals of me by a series of people who claimed to love me, or love someone else who they betrayed, which had direct and pivotal influence over me as concerns love, and human relationships. Thousands of tiny lessons involved in dealing with such things, too many to list. I've written here about many of them over the years, where applicable.

I suppose the most central one, is that I learned that while love is real, and is important and powerful, that it is not something which anyone can cause to happen. It can only be discovered or revealed, never created or earned, and certainly never purchased, whether through the use of wealth, or of time, or of actions. Its effects don't end when the person who you loved is gone, either, no matter whether they die, or just leave you.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 9
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 2:33:53 AM
dpwesu...

Me....I don't even believe in L O V E anymore.....There really ins't any such thing.. 

too many things have happened for me to list that brought me to that thought........

I'm just very tired....and very uninspired these days.



I'm in the same boat myself these days. I have a major case of relationship burnout after my last on and off relationship that went on for 8 years. It's been over since 2013 and I'm no closer to wanting to get back into a relationship of any kind.

I'm really enjoying my hobby of collecting vinyl records. It's just what I needed in my journey to find myself again. I have a bad habit of losing my identity in a relationship.

When will I be ready to take that step again? Who knows? I don't even know.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 6:39:02 AM

We all have had an experience that totally changes our outlook on how we either deal with relationships or how we love


The day my ex walked out on me, and my daughter.

It hasn't made me bitter or anything but, it did drop the reality ball on my head. Things change, and I quickly learnt to change with them. I also figured out that no matter how much I "love" something, it doesn't always go as planned. I plan less, and roll with it a lot more. In saying this, that train of thought usually doesn't bode well with most females in my age group.

Sometimes, there is no winning.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 11
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 6:56:17 AM
I didn't grow up in a very loving home....as in hugs/kisses/praise.
Number 8 of 10 kids...we learned to work hard and being honest is better than lying because if you get caught....
the consequences weren't good for you.
Yes, we got spanked. Along with that we learned to respect others.
Although, we didn't have much...I can remember my mom taking in a family(mother and kids) that had left an abusive situation.
So, In a sense....I think this lays down your basics for ...how you will "love"....and how you will conduct yourself in life.

I have been lucky....sure, I chose the "badboy" first time round but I learned by my mistake...with the 2nd one.
I know what a good relationship can consist of and that it is great to love and be loved....without any doubts.
I am however, giving up hope with the odds of it happening again....meh!
 dameunbaso
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 12
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 7:44:15 AM

I lost my only son to cancer back in 2007.


First of all, my condolences.

My outlook on love also changed because of cancer. I was in a relationship with a woman with two children. She was more in-love with the idea of being in the relationship and having a father to her children than me. She developed breast cancer. During the chemo they also gave her a lot of steroids. So we would go through the roller-coaster of Roid rage, plus days when she was in severe pain sweating the chemicals that they gave her. The more I gave her, the more she resented me, and the more that she felt it was not good enough. The stress was so intense that my immune system took a nose dive and I began to get six as well. I was tested for Lupus and other immune diseases and my health continued to deteriorate. Everyone in my family and friends hated her with intensity and could not understand why I devoted myself to such person. She overcame cancer, went into remission, got her reconstructive surgery and all that, and as she got back on her feet, she left me. It was for the better.

It changed me. It taught me to be humble. It taught me that I had to take care of myself first. It taught me that bad people also get sick and when they are sick they are still bad people. It taught me that all abusers were once abused people. Emotional abuse is the most devastating form of abuse, because the scars are deep deep inside of you.

It also taught me that if I wanted to love again, I should not build a wall to my feelings. That I needed to love, but also tell others how I feel.

I am in such relationship right now. With the most awesome woman in the world. She also has kids. She also appreciated a man that can be a father. But instead or arguments, resentment and complaints, there's love.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 13
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 10:58:45 AM
Sorry to hear about your loss op and agree it is a very inspirational post. I've had several personal events that changed my views. An abusive relationship in my teens made me realise that no matter how much you love someone, there are situations that you have to walk away from. But once you've had your heart broken, got over it and loved again. I agree that you are more confident to love and know that you can pick up the pieces in the event of it not working out. If you can get over it once you can again and it's easier to do. However, the experience left me guarded in who I get close to. Oddly, coming out of a Ltr with children to consider the fear of who to allow into my life seemed more intense than when I was younger and the feelings were raw.

The end of a ltr has left me questioning the point of working hard, compromise and fedelity. Things I was willing to do during my marriage, and appear very much less so now. Resentful maybe?

Now, with children to consider, lack of time and an unwilligness to give as much as I would normally. I've reviewed the type of relationship and no longer aim for marriage and a life together and more for just companionship. I engage in less traditional relationships and have been surprised that they are in some ways more rewarding and I appear to be treated well. As for love, I still love the same way with all my heart, I just have a different type of relationships. I guess my early life experiences stand me well as I'm not scared to love and not scared to leave if I don't think I'll be happy. But baggage is baggage and sometimes i feel unworthy of a tradirional relationship but I do feel worthy of love.
 maybeebaybee1
Joined: 2/12/2016
Msg: 14
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 12:51:19 PM
On-line dating ...
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 15
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 2:13:57 PM

On-line dating ...
That's overly simplistic and total BS. You can't say your experience trying to find and date people via online personals has changed/destroyed your outlook on love - and OVERLOOK your experiences IRL ( via friends / family / social events ).

It your very lack of success IRL that has driven you to post online personal ( like everyone else here ), so to solely place the blame on the medium ( Internet profiles & introductions ) rather than the individual is a total abandonment or personal responsibility.

YOU chose the site to use. YOU made your profile. YOU choose the people to write or respond to. YOU chose your words or allure or rejection. YOU agreed to date incompatible people. YOU made the decision not to adapt and be social. It's all on YOU.

Maybe you have some ruby slipper you want to blame, too?
 geekgrrrl
Joined: 1/28/2009
Msg: 16
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 5:22:08 PM
^^^^
And there he goes proving her point.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 17
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/11/2016 8:06:17 PM
No, you really can't blame OLD for not finding a love connection. OLD is exasperating, and aggravating. Mostly because we can't write the perfect opening message that attracts attention. Or, our profiles fall way short of being witty, and tantalizing. They only post what we write. If we can't master creative writing, then we'll fall short.

IRL is supposed to be better. I never thought so. I couldn't count on friends/ family at all. The friends I had were in the same boat as me, no female friends. I wasn't about to gain any favor with my cousin's, nor did I ever meet any of their friends. Social events are so few and far inbetween. Then, compound matters by being unable to read flirts, body language, or interest, and you wind up being dead in the water. I have to see blatantly obvious, forward people, before I take the hint.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 18
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/12/2016 12:12:32 AM

^^^^ And there he goes proving her point.


- Let me get this straight:
1. You FAIL to find a mate In Real Life
2. You try Online Dating and go on dates. To go on dates, you must meet In Real Life
3. You FAIL to find a connection, after meeting the OLD date In Real Life ( just like (1)) and you want to point the finger at (2) as the cause for your failure...?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 19
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/12/2016 4:26:15 AM
Years of therapy.

And meeting and the relationship with my second husband.
 dameunbaso
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 20
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/12/2016 7:47:16 AM

If we can't master creative writing, then we'll fall short.


I hate to agree with this statement, but I believe it's true.

Be different, be daring, be charming and you will date who ever you want.

Well, that works for the dudes. Women have it a lot harder.
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 21
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/12/2016 8:55:05 AM

OLD is exasperating, and aggravating. Mostly because we can't write the perfect opening message that attracts attention. Or, our profiles fall way short of being witty, and tantalizing. They only post what we write. If we can't master creative writing, then we'll fall short

Well yeah, but men don't need the perfect opening message if they're:
- handsome enough
- wealthy enough
- not a renter!

For women:
- Men don't care what you say or what you have, as long as you're young and pretty enough.

In other words, women are the gatekeepers for sex and men are the gatekeepers for nesting material. This has ever changed in the history of humanity, when? Make room for a few exceptions (such as aficionados of creative writing), and there's where your best chances are. How simple is that. Meanwhile 45 million people in this country are functionally illiterate, read below a 5th grade level, have the attention span of a house fly, and mostly go through life deciding who they want to fuck based on subconscious psychosexual motivations they're not even aware of. "Creative writing", I don't think so. How in the hell would they know what you're saying?
 dameunbaso
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 22
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/12/2016 11:41:30 AM

a 5th grade level, have the attention span of a house fly, and mostly go through life deciding who they want to **** based on subconscious psychosexual motivations they're not even aware of. "Creative writing", I don't think so. How in the hell would they know what you're saying?


Really?
I don't label myself as a handsome person, but I've dated very hot women. I am not wealthy at all, and until now, I rented a house.

You may not understand what creative writing is, to begin with. Flowery language that obfuscates a message is not creative writing. Creative writing has more the power and directness of a Hemingway, than Flaubert, or Faulkner.

Not all women are into a man that is good with words. Some like guys that burp and are into football. That is watch football, not pay it. I find those females of the species to be quite annoying and not even worth of a syllable of my words. So it goes both ways.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 7/1/2016
Msg: 23
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/12/2016 11:43:30 AM
Well, beat me up if you like...but my change of outlook on love happened in POF too.
I've had a lot of personal stuff...childhood (gag)...family dynamics...addicted family
members, deaths, etc...blah blah blah. I mean, seriously, haven't we all?

But I was still pretty naive when it came to love. I thought it was a pretty natural thing,
I thought I was pretty lovable and I honestly thought most people in relationships or
looking for relationships were good people.

But no.
You can be too short, too fat, too poor, too ugly and people will be rude and judgmental.
Then you have the bitter people who have let life's mishaps or tragic circumstances cloud
their outlook and they take it out on everyone within shouting distance. Lying has become
second nature, and acceptable, as long as you correct it and apologize for it.

You have to constantly have your guard up in here and be on the lookout for fruitloops,
con artists and scam cats.

And when you're not doing that, you're feeling the need to smooth the feathers of hurt
babies, or explain there's no need to care what some random stranger thinks of you,
or just seriously biting your tongue and wishing you could kick someone in the nads through
your screen.

So, I'm still mostly lovable, and I don't think everyone is a douche bag, but I prefer life
in real life...I like to at least have a passing chance of seeing who someone is before I decide
to waste my time on them.

I'm a pretty busy boo bee, I'm older, and I don't have time for the POF games anymore.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 24
What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/12/2016 12:06:30 PM
^^^^Bravo!! I agree....with Browneyes...and message 15.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 25
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What personal event changed your outlook on love?
Posted: 7/12/2016 1:28:22 PM
I will agree with the people who said Online Dating, but ironically for the opposite reason. Despite the fact that I’m infamous for my nearly 10 years of futility on POF, OLD originally turned my life completely around. I was in my mid-20s and had never been on a date, with hundreds of IRL rejections piling up on me, and I was beginning to feel like a leper and infinitely depressed, when I finally decided to try out OLD as a last resort. This was the Wild Wild West stage of OLD (and the internet in general) plus I was still fairly young hence I still appealed to young open-minded women, so sometimes it was like shooting fish in a barrel. Of course, I didn’t like very many of the women I was meeting, but point is, I began to feel like a real live human being for the first time in my life since there were dozens of women at the time wanting to get to know me in a non-platonic way, which was just normal for most men but something I had never experienced before OLD. I would say OLD saved my life.

But OLD giveth and OLD taketh away, as now that OLD has settled down after 20 years and become much more popular (meaning: much more competition) and I’m much older (meaning: there are a lot less single women close to my age), it has become a very discouraging and depressing adventure for me. Actually, I guess I’ve pretty much come full circle – my current OLD (and IRL) experience is pretty the same as my high school/college/post-college years all over again, except with less hope, because the statistics are much more strongly working against me and a grand deus ex machina seems much more unlikely.

I feel like a lot of what people are talking about in this thread is not so much OLD itself but specifically POF forums – THAT is where we mostly learned WHY we are so unwanted in OLD, because with 99% of messages I send out, I have no idea why I was rejected, and nowadays people are very lazy with their profiles and only a relatively small percentage use their profiles to reject people in advance. (Again, mostly talking POF here – obviously Match is another story.) Nevertheless, sending out 2000 messages in 4 months and getting no dates from it weighs heavily on your soul, even if you don’t know why you got all those rejections. But is it worse than working on one single woman in real life for 4 months and then getting rejected at the end of it? Probably not. A picture and a handful of words is not the equivalent of someone you’re having real life, flirtatious, hopeful interactions with. (Why, you ask, did OLD work whereas IRL did not back in my younger years? I'm an acquired taste and OLD casts a much wider net than one's IRL experiences will, so it enabled me to more easily find the rare women willing to date me at the time. Now they've just become so rare that there is no net big enough, and again, the competition is now overwhelming.)
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