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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?      Home login  
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 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 1
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
So long story short, dated a guy for about a month and a couple of months ago he abruptly ended it, even though things had been going well, we were both physically attracted, and we'd been enjoying each other's company. We talked about it and he couldn't even come up with a single reason why he didn't want to pursue it any more. Just that he wasn't feelin' it. Said he wanted to stay friends. He stayed in touch with me on and off since then and last week he invited me out. We spent the evening out and I had hoped that now that a couple of months had passed that I wouldn't feel any attraction for him. I was wrong 'cos I still found him attractive and still enjoyed his company, even as a friend. Well apparently he felt the same way because he just told me that he essentially would like to start dating again and suggested we get together soon. So we are meeting later this week for dinner. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I find him extremely attractive and love his personality. I was genuinely very upset when he ended it because I felt we had barely gotten to know each other and that there was serious potential there for a long-term thing. Plus we have quite a bit in common. But on the other hand, I was very hurt and my ego took a serious blow. I obviously don't trust him at the moment to not do that again and would want to hang out with him some more as a friend before getting physically involved.

Thoughts? Opinions on this type of situation? I know some of you will say "move on, don't trust him, why give him another chance when he dumped your ass...etc. etc." The only reason I am considering it is because it is EXTREMELY rare that I feel this level of attraction and liking for someone. I don't find it easy to meet men that I feel that way for. I have received hundreds of messages here on POF and even went out on some dates in the last couple of months since we ended things. The men were interested in pursuing something with me, but I wasn't interested in them that way, even though they were nice guys and not bad-looking either.

Any advice? Has anyone had success in a relationship with this kind of a start to it? If I do give him another chance, what kind of a conversation do you recommend we have first?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 2
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/11/2016 8:38:52 PM
write down on paper, so its nice and clear, every good thing, and every bad thing. make it sit right there in front of your face, no emotions, just the facts.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 3
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/11/2016 8:45:57 PM
Thanks gtomustang for your reply. I was starting to wonder if anyone would reply to this thread! lol

That's a very good idea, and I've done that for previous relationships. But I'm curious about YOUR opinion, especially being a male. Are you saying that once I write everything down, that it will stare me in the face that I SHOULD'NT give him the time of day? Or are you saying that if there's a lot of good stuff on the list, I should give him another chance? Just want to clarify...
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 4
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/11/2016 9:37:46 PM
IME, nobody asks someone to be a FWB.

We behave that way towards someone and hope they reciprocate.

In other words, he valued you for sex but not a LTR.

If you enjoy the intimacy, I think you should make your boundaries clear.

You're ok with FWB but monogamously.

In other words, be mature and stop boinking when the ONE shows up.

Of course, all of this sh!t sounds cool until someone inevitably gets dumped later.

It seems to me you enjoy being intimate. This is healthy.

But...can you handle being dumped later when the ONE shows up for him?

Can YOU honestly search for the ONE while you are being intimate?

Sounds like you will get attached, which is fine, so I don't think FWB would suit you well.

Honestly, I've met several women that I would have enjoyed FWB with but they always wanted more.

Anyway...I'm rambling here....
 flman2015
Joined: 10/3/2015
Msg: 5
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/11/2016 10:00:53 PM





We talked about it and he couldn't even come up with a single reason why he didn't want to pursue it any more.


That's a problem. By not saying anything specific, he didn't give you closure which left him with the possibility of going back to you should he want to. I will _speculate_ that the reason was that he met another woman who he really liked and wanted to give his attention to. That didn't work out and now he is back.



I have very mixed feelings about this.


You should. There is that little voice in the back of your head telling you, there is something that is not quite right and, it is very likely that the little voice is right.



The only reason I am considering it is because it is EXTREMELY rare that I feel this level of attraction and liking for someone.


Your Achilles heel. You know you are genuinely interested in the guy but, what really matters is for you to determine if he is as interested in you as you are in him. It is _his_ level of interest in you that really matters because if he isn't as interested in you as you are in him, you are simply setting yourself up to be hurt again.

Here is the first piece of advice, stop thinking about what you want, that is already established. Determine what _he_ wants, which has not been established and, match yourself against that.



If I do give him another chance, what kind of a conversation do you recommend we have first?


Good question. Here is some advice that I hope will be as good as your question. I suggest you ask him a few questions such as...

1. What made him change his mind ?

If his answer is wishy-washy, imprecise or nebulous, be careful.

2. Ask him what is it he likes about you. His answer(s) is/are the reasons he wants to be with you.

If his answer is mostly about your physical looks, be very very careful. That should be _one_ reason but, really good reasons are _specific_ personality traits he has noticed in you. If he simply says "personality" ask him to elaborate, if he stumbles, be very very careful. It would indicate that he has _not_ noticed any of the positive personality traits you have. A man who is _genuinely_ interested will notice them because those are a very important part of what he is looking for.

Just in case, sex doesn't count as a "personality trait". ;-)

There is a good possibility that ClooneysTutor above is right. Keep that in mind. The questions I suggested should help you determine if ClooneysTutor is right.



But on the other hand, I was very hurt and my ego took a serious blow.


"Shame" on him but, if you let it happen again... you already know where the shame goes the second time around.


ETA:



How do I make that clear with him, and also find out his true feelings for/ intentions with me?


Telling him you don't want a FWB arrangement won't get you anywhere but to him likely assuring you that is not his intention. Don't even mention it. As far as finding out his true intentions, the questions I suggested you ask should help you determine that.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 6
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/11/2016 10:04:35 PM
Thanks ClooneysTutor for your input. Well he hasn't said that he only wants a FWB with me, but I take your point that he's not going to come out and label it as such. Basically, you're saying that you think nothing has changed on his end in terms of his feelings towards me and that his primary motive is to have sex with me until something "better" for him comes along? How can I talk to him about this and figure out if that his true intention? I'm not interested in a FWB. I don't have the time nor the emotional make-up for that kind of thing. I like him as a person and enjoy his company outside the bedroom so no, a sex-focused thing wouldn't work for me. How do I make that clear with him, and also find out his true feelings for/ intentions with me?
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 7
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/11/2016 10:11:41 PM
See, that's the rub.

Not the verbal communication.

How do you feel between dates?

Anxiety? That svcks.

You should feel comfortable when not together. Not anxious.

Did he hide his profile? Does he communicate daily?

Does he plan dates that involve activities before you have sex?

Maybe I'm the exception, but when I dig a woman, I WANT TO LOCK HER DOWN.

Make her mine.

Some women will get manipulative after that, and that's a whole other topic.

Point being, a man that adores you, wants you off the market....
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 3:58:32 AM
One of the common dating sequences I witness regularly, might be involved here.

That is, that two people, each with their own set of personal expectations about how dating and mating is supposed to go, try to get together, and find that things don't follow the anticipated and desired pattern, so they set the relationship aside.

It's a bit like the approach some people have for riding on buses, in a city where they don't know the schedule or the bus routes: get on a bus that SEEMS to be generally headed the right way, but if it takes a side road for a while, hop off and take the next seeming "right bus" that comes along. One can end up seeing a great deal of the city that way, and take a much longer ride than hoped, and then occasionally and ironically discover that the bus which DID go to the right place, was that first one they gave up on (for all the right reasons at the time).

None of that means that I'm suggesting an act of faith, or that all "buses" eventually go to the place you want them to take you, it means that if you want to deal with the "buses" in a rational way, you need to learn more about how buses are routed, as well as what your real goals are.

Both you and this guy, decided to switch from dating to friendship, because you had the vague sense that things weren't going the way you hoped for romance. The logical thing to converse about now, is what "bus" you think you are getting on together. Maybe how you anticipate deciding whether it's headed the right way or not.

The most common doubt that comes in to peoples' minds, which either ends or allows further risk for the sake of romance, is how they expect to feel. A lot of people hope essentially, for a "sign from the gods" in the form of an increasing excitement, an urgent sense of lust, or even a pleasant feeling of confusion, which they will interpret to mean that they are with "the one," or at least a close approximation of same. And when they don't get that soon enough, they get off the bus, and move on.

Then they wake up one day, and doubt the idea of "signs from the gods," and think, maybe it IS all science and calculation of mundane aspects of compatibility, and so I should try again, this time looking at my feet, instead of at the sky.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 9
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 3:58:57 AM
I think Clooney is spot on about this.

He broke up with you because there was another woman in the wings. It didn't work out. Now he wants you back for more, until the next prospect comes along.

Ask him those questions everybody suggests and see what he says.
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 10
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 4:53:13 AM

The only reason I am considering it is because it is EXTREMELY rare that I feel this level of attraction and liking for someone.

RUT-ROE. You're about to let your feelings do the walking instead of your brain. Whenever you see that one coming, remember to put those EXTREMELY rare "feelings" aside and pay attention to what your brain would say if your feeeeelings weren't having such a field day. People will end up bringing on all kinds of sad for themselves by making decisions based on an excited emotional reaction. I know, because I've done it. The temporary thrill has never been worth the trouble, and I'll never allow that to happen again. It's a form of insanity.


If I do give him another chance, what kind of a conversation do you recommend we have first?

Make him promise to love you and really really mean it, or you'll cut him.

Seriously, though. What kind of conversation do you expect to have in this situation where you're not either inviting him to lie, or be balls-to-the-wall honest and say something you don't want to hear? If you want to give him another chance, it will be YOU and no one but you who's assuming the risk. So go ahead and do it, but don't blame him if things don't work out the way you had wanted.

The bottom line is that you're already on the defensive, but setting him up to take advantage of your feelings at the same time. There won't be any consequences for him, because he ain't got nothin' to lose. I guess you could make him prove his intentions are honorable first by not having sex with him for ___. Oops now you're trading poon for an unenforceable promise, and that always works which is why we keep trying it.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 11
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 5:06:58 AM
You shouldn't go by your feelings but by his intentions because it's HIS intentions that will determine the future of your relationship.

Your feelings don't matter. You already know what YOUR feelings are.

The question is, what are his? And you already know that he's not being open about his. Because when he broke up with you, he wasn't honest with you.

He didn't, for example, say, I'm breaking up with you because you're 20 pounds overweight and I'm not attracted to that" and you've lost 20 pounds since. Because if that were the case, now the reason for the break-up would have been removed, and so now there would be a chance that everything was hunky-dory.

Instead he was all wishy-washy, and that means that you don't know the reason, and so, the reason most likely still exists, so, most likely when he's done having sex with you, he'll do it again.

So, unless he's going to be willing to CLEARLY and affirmatively state that this time he wants to explore a monogamous long-term relationship with you, given your FEELINGS for him, I wouldn't go for it because in my opinion, you're going to get burned.

I guess I would really like to know exactly what he said when he said he would like to start dating again. The way you worded it, this doesn't sound like a guy who realized he was an idiot to let the love of his life slip away. I still think Clooney and the other guy who posted after him were spot on.
 blackbeauty744
Joined: 12/1/2015
Msg: 12
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 8:01:01 AM

He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?


No.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 13
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 8:17:28 AM
People get things wrong and make mistakes all the time. Maybe he wasn't feeling it but in hindsight realised he was or is. Or maybe he's not feeling it and settling for the best option which is you. Or maybe he is just looking for easy sex and a few nights out til something better comes along. Maybe he doesn't even know himself. Who knows? No one, possibly not even him. But you do know how you feel and what you want so you might as well give it a shot. Go out on dates, have fun and enjoy each other's company. But when it comes to sex or if it comes to sex then stop, explain how he hurt you, explain your reservations (they are perfectly reasonable) and state that until you have built some trust in him and feel that he wants to make a serious attempt at seeing how things work out with you, you would rather keep things simple and easy and just date. Then see what happens from there.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 14
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 9:16:26 AM

We talked about it and he couldn't even come up with a single reason why he didn't want to pursue it any more. Just that he wasn't feelin' it.

When you feel this way about a guy, it's pretty clear. You being on the opposite end of this is frustrating. :)

I was genuinely very upset when he ended it because I felt we had barely gotten to know each other and that there was serious potential there for a long-term thing.

THAT is what he wasn't feeling. He finds you attractive, but you being so ga-ga about him pushed him away. Thru experience ya know that sure, you can fool around with said gal -- but it's not worth it. She seems cool -- let this cool off, hang out platonically in spirit, etc. That never works out so well when the attraction's so lopsided. :)

But on the other hand, I was very hurt and my ego took a serious blow.

Because he wasn't so ga-ga about you? I guess that may be a reflection on how you feel about a guy when you're not That into him and he's really into you. You feel you're better than him, thus, being on the opposite side -- you feel you're not as good as him.

I obviously don't trust him at the moment to not do that again and would want to hang out with him some more as a friend before getting physically involved.

Trust him for what? Stealing your purse? :) You want to hang out with him, but that's not going to solve your problem really. It's NOT going to be "as a friend" of course. It's just keeping oneself from rounding bases physically. In the long run, that can be as frustrating as rounding some bases, because you'll want to do that when you're ga-ga about them to at least get something out of it and/or to win them over, make a closer connection when you feel they're not all there, etc.

IMO, it sounds like your feelings are going to get hurt if he's not wanting to go "all in" with you, and just wants something casual. The latter is the High Liklihood that's all it'll be. If you're not comfortable with that, I wouldn't "play house" as friends. But since you're so into him, nothing's going to stop your feelings from chasing him. :)
 Nice7Girl1977
Joined: 6/1/2016
Msg: 15
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 10:24:38 AM
Is it by any chance the same guy who dumped you after you had sex on a fourth date? Hmmmm, why would you even consider going back to someone who doesn't have any feelings for you? Do you really want to be with someone who is just lonely at the moment and does not consider you to be the very best (not the second best just because nobody else is on his horizon at the moment)? And is there any guarantees that he would not drop you again after you will sleep with him again? He showed you what he is capable of, why do you even want to go there again?

Ask him what has changed, why he even wants you now, lol.

Or better ask him why he thinks you would even give him a time of a day after the way he treated you.
 Nice7Girl1977
Joined: 6/1/2016
Msg: 16
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 10:32:16 AM
He didn't like you enough to continue dating you, he didn't like sex with you, so ask yourself why would he want to weasel his way back into your life. More than likely he is just very lonely at the moment but as soon as he finds a bigger better deal, he'll be gone again.

Doesn't look like he wants a long term relationship with you so is FWB is what you want? Based on your posts, I would say no.

Protect you heart. Look after your own best interests because, believe me, nobody else will. This guy will certainly will not care enough for you to look after your best interests.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 17
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 11:49:32 AM

The only reason I am considering it is because it is EXTREMELY rare that I feel this level of attraction and liking for someone. I don't find it easy to meet men that I feel that way for.


Well, then, by all means, put up with whatever he dishes out, if the situation is THAT rare.

Sarcasm.

Raise your standards.

Move on.

Period.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 18
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/12/2016 1:20:42 PM
If you dated for a month and a half...that's long enough to know what someone is about...and what they aren't.

Personally, I say abort, because he bailed on you after a month and a half. It wasn't like you went out a couple times and he decided no...but then changed his mind.

Just my thoughts

PS - really love your bus riding metaphor, Igor! Now, I'm questioning why I just got off a bus today.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 19
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/13/2016 3:04:12 PM
He rejected you, he broke your heart. Doesn't that make you mad? Do you go back to people who are mean to you? Don't you have any self-respect?

He dropped you once.... so what do you think will most likely happen the next time? Do you remember how that felt? Why would you want to set yourself up for that again?

You are probably getting played by a player. It could be any one of 101 reasons he quit dating you...... but at the end of the day, a sane guy who has genuine feelings for you does not want to break up with you. Wake up and smell the coffee.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 20
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/13/2016 5:32:48 PM
I haven't read the other posts.


The only reason I am considering it is because it is EXTREMELY rare that I feel this level of attraction and liking for someone. I don't find it easy to meet men that I feel that way for



I'm afraid to ask.... how did they other relationships go where you had an EXTREMELY rare level of attraction?

I would venture to guess, that you might have a history of giving more in relationships then what you get back. Sometimes, people are attracted to people who are 'intense' in some kind of way. There is an unconscious appeal.

This is meaningless. It's just a powerful transference to an old dynamic. Let it go!

Try to find someone who actually wants you, desires you, cares for you, engages you! In other words, relax.....take a deep breathe and go out there and meet 1,000 frogs. The kind, thoughtful and mutually caring guy you seek is there. You don't have to settle. The more time you noodle around with this current drama, the less time you will be spending with the person who deserves you!
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 21
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/14/2016 7:43:20 AM
Thank-you so much to all you for taking the time to share your opinion, insights, and concrete advice. It's much appreciated! Some really good suggestions here on how I could best approach this, assuming I even want to. I'm not entirely sure yet...I am willing to meet up with him and talk and see what he has to say for himself. Based on how the evening goes, his body language, demeanour and what he says...that will determine whether I want to give this a second chance.

For those of you who are implying that I would have no self-respect if I even considered this, well that's where I feel you're wrong. I am not looking to jump back into this with him right away. He would have to do a lot of convincing and explaining and apologizing. I have had several long-term relationships in the past and my boyfriends treated me VERY well, so I would not settle for anything less than that at this point. But I have the strong sense that is he actually a very good guy... yes he was and idiot and impulsive to end things the way he did. But I would hate to miss out on a good opportunity with a good person if he redeems himself.

As for the people commenting that he has no feelings for me and why would I bother. Well obviously if he has no feelings for me or only wants sex then I'm not interested. The whole point of my post is - is there a chance that his feelings have in fact CHANGED in the last couple of months for me? We have been in touch through text and on Facebook a lot. Perhaps upon reflection over the last couple of months, he realized he was hasty calling it quits (we had after all only been out on 4 dates...you can hardly know someone in that short space of time) and feels that he's let a good woman slip away? I don't know. Just wondering if that's possible. Thoughts?
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 22
He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/14/2016 7:55:44 AM

is there a chance that his feelings have in fact CHANGED in the last couple of months for me? We have been in touch through text and on Facebook a lot. Perhaps upon reflection over the last couple of months, he realized he was hasty calling it quits (we had after all only been out on 4 dates...you can hardly know someone in that short space of time)

I'm not a mind-reader, but don't over-estimate his so-called feelings via sophistry and wishful thinking or you'll be our own worst enemy. You can hardly know someone after texting and Facebooking them for a couple of months.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 23
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/14/2016 8:00:16 AM
No, his "feelings" didn't change via texting and FB. He kept you on a string via texting and FB after he hooked you and broke up with you. And now that his other well(s) have run dry he's coming back for some more until something better comes along again.

You're one of his options. And right now it's your turn.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 24
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/14/2016 8:59:08 AM
I gotta agree with LilMarleen.

Guys (and girls for that matter) are really good at putting on a genuine "I want to be with you" face when they are lost/lonely/bored. Heck, he might even really think he likes you now because you're a challenge. You moved on, and now he is just seeing if he can get you back.

I wouldn't meet with him, because I don't think you can trust your own feelings. You're super attracted to him and WANT to believe him. All he has to do is say the right thing, and you'll be a goner. haha.

good luck though. :-)
 blackbeauty744
Joined: 12/1/2015
Msg: 25
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He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?
Posted: 7/14/2016 9:36:34 AM

No, his "feelings" didn't change via texting and FB. He kept you on a string via texting and FB after he hooked you and broke up with you. And now that his other well(s) have run dry he's coming back for some more until something better comes along again.

You're one of his options. And right now it's your turn.


As usual LiliMarleen is spot on. If he wants to convince you he's interested, I need him to put in much more effort. Why communicate via an online medium when you can meet in person?
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > He ended it, but now wants another chance. Do I give it?