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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?      Home login  
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 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 1
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I had one, and it didn't work out, but I think it would have with the right person.

Soon after my divorce, my high-school boyfriend found my sister on FB and asked about me.
I had just moved back to town, by coincidence. He'd been divorced for many years, and was now on partial disability.

We'd been seeing each other for quite a while, when he lost his roommate, and didn't know where/how he was going to live.

I offered to let him move in. He would give me 1/3 of the rent, and pay his own cell phone. This is all he could do and still have some spending money.
I would pay all other bills. I bought him a cheap car from Craigslist.

He agreed that he would do all the cleaning/laundry/yard-work, and most of the cooking.
He agreed to have dinner ready every night when I got home. Sometimes, he even packed a work-lunch for me.

I have groceries delivered, so he didn't have to worry about that.

I loved it. It was so awesome to have all that stuff done. I felt pampered. I had a lot more energy and time to go out and do fun things.
I paid his way whenever we did something, and I bought him clothes, and appreciation gifts. I made sure to always let him know I appreciated all he did, and he did the same for me. Sometimes, he'd bring me a drink, and rub my back and feet when I got home from work. I'd joke with him that he made me feel like Dan Draper from Mad Men.

It was great for a while, but then he started letting things go. I'd come home to a dark, dirty house. He's be out with his buddies, or his family (his family is very large, and close).
Then his car started breaking down. He'd want me to have it fixed, and I refused, as he had not been holding up his end.
He got worse and more slack. He'd just watch TV or fart around all day, not do anything.

There was fighting, and I told him he had to move out.
He did.

We are still friends and still talk regularly, and he comes to visit every once in a while.
He had to move to another town to get into low-income, subsidized housing.

But, I miss having a stay-at-home boyfriend.

I'd do it again in a minute, if the right person came along.

Would you do it?
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 2
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 1:44:23 PM
Forgot to say- when he started hanging out with his buddies/nephews/brothers/uncles, etc., he would spend all his money and not come up with his 1/3 of the rent. He has always been a sweet, caring guy, but notoriously irresponsible.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 3
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 1:58:30 PM
No I wouldn't, I think he would get bored and lack self esteem, I think a woman would as well. I guess it might be ok if you had a big enough place that needed a lot of work i.e. maintenance or if there were kids at home. But cooking dinner and pandering to my needs them no, I don't think I would respect him and probably be mean to him.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 4
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 2:29:53 PM
Rather than having the type of relationship you are suggesting, I would hire a maid/cook/gardener and get a dog.

I have always felt unequal relationships were cruel and serve to destroy self esteem of the dependent partner.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 5
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 5:08:58 PM

No I wouldn't, I think he would get bored and lack self esteem


So...a work-impeding disability would be a ticket to homelessness for any man that lived with you? Check.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 6
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 5:14:20 PM
But was he your BF? Nice you took him in, not so nice you took him out
Kinda knew what you were signing up for imo
I don't enter into relationships ( friends, etc) with an idea of bartering
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 7
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 5:26:32 PM
I know you stated that you were seeing him for awhile before the living arrangements became what they did but, it sure sounds like it was a little too early for him to be moving in with you, with or without a job.

I'm betting, you, looking back, would say the same thing??????
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 8
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 5:59:29 PM
If the roles were reversed, would I want THAT for a stay at home girlfriend?

Hell no.

It's not so much about the money, it's about the effort on both parties to maintain a sane relationship.

If I'm the only one working, I shouldn't have to ask her to clean the house and have dinner ready.

And I sure as fvck won't tolerate her running around town with her girlfriends.

I had an ex that understood this and it worked. I was the sole provider. Marriage failed for other reasons but NOT because I was the sole provider.

You are more forgiving then MOST women I've met.

I might consider a stay at home girlfriend, but never in a marriage.

YMMV
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 9
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 6:05:34 PM
I feel that in any relationship where one person is controlling most of the finances, there is an inherent power imbalance. You even aluded to a sort of disciplinary thing, where you withheld finances as a sort of punishment for bad behaviour. It's easier to see it if you imagine the genders reversed: My understanding is that when a man doles out an allowance to a woman, for example, it is a considered a sign of abuse. Not to mention what they (people who work with abused women) say about men who try to limit the time a woman spends with her family.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 10
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 6:10:17 PM
Interesting use of the word controlling vs. providing or...sharing.

I never understood the concept of giving a woman an allowance. Bizarre.

I was more nefarious.

I'd spend on myself and tell her she could keep the rest...

hahahahahahaha


I will do the laundry
If you pay all the bills
Where is my John Wayne
Where is my prairie song
Where is my happy ending
Where have all the cowboys gone

Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the T.V.
And I'll fix a little something to eat
Ohh I know your back hurts
From working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 11
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 7:34:54 PM
WOW I need a woman like you. Here I'm spend all day at work. Got home and started a three course dinner to be ready in 20 min. I'm on here looking at the forums waiting for her to come home, That's when my GF supposed to make it home from her work and after dinner I still massage her feet cause she loves it. That's what people in a relationship should do for each other.
There is no way I'm supporting anyone and I don't expect anyone to support me.

OP you got your self a loser of a guy.
You must admit that you like to be in control, look for a slave/master relationship.
That's what its called for what you had there.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 12
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 8:03:46 PM
so, is this why retired fellows get into trouble? Funny that right before this post, I read this article:

http://www.viralwomen.com/why-women-really-leave-men-they-love-what-every-guy-needs-to-know/

The problem with getting what you want is....then you're stuck with it.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 13
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 8:14:58 PM
Ouija, you mentioned that you don't like relationships that involve bartering. But sometimes friendships are about bartering. I paid for the parking and the wine and a dinner with my sis in law ( she drove downtown and I hate to drive down there). We always go out and a lot of times one will pay for the happy hour and then the other will pick up the tab the next time. She knows she "owes" our next tab, but I may stop at her house while she is cooking dinner and I get a nice meal with wine and some homemade desserts, so bartering ( loosely defined) works on a trust issue with us because we are female friends.

On the other hand, I was briefly dating a guy who clearly did not have much money, but gainfully employed. He asked me if I had any furniture I wanted to get rid of, which I did ( bedroom set since I am downsizing) and since I knew he was short of cash, I offered that he could barter for the value of the furniture: cut some limbs down in my yard, wash my car, etc. He took the furniture and never offered to repay me with bartering. Not so much as a lesson learned as I needed some guys to go upstairs and haul the furniture out and it had no real value to me any longer, but he could have kept his word and offered something in return. This coming from a guy who is a social worker and "loves to help people."

That being said, I would never let a guy move in with me and mooch off me financially. Nope, nope, nope. I am retired but have an income and if he is retired and has his own income, that is cool but he can massage my feet and then go home!
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 14
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 8:15:09 PM
Interesting article.

IMHO, women leave because they get bored with men focused bringing home...the bread.

No problem. Find a struggling artist.

As a matter of fact, that Eat, Pray, Love author is divorcing her 2nd foreign husband. The cultured dude.

The most insulting thing I've heard on dates is that her ex wasn't abusive. No, he just focused on work too much.

So here's this dame, 20 years later, acting like a self entitled diva seeking to be liberated, like she's 25 again.

Fvck off. What do you offer a relationship besides sex and painted toe nails??
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 15
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 10:19:39 PM
ndm147
On the other hand, I was briefly dating a guy who clearly did not have much money, but gainfully employed. He asked me if I had any furniture I wanted to get rid of, which I did ( bedroom set since I am downsizing) and since I knew he was short of cash, I offered that he could barter for the value of the furniture: cut some limbs down in my yard, wash my car, etc. He took the furniture and never offered to repay me with bartering. Not so much as a lesson learned as I needed some guys to go upstairs and haul the furniture out and it had no real value to me any longer, but he could have kept his word and offered something in return. This coming from a guy who is a social worker and "loves to help people."

I'm trying to picture telling any of the men I've dated that after saving me the cost of having my unwanted furniture moved downstairs and hauled away, they also had to break out a chainsaw or wash my car.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 16
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/12/2016 11:08:52 PM
I was a stay-at-home dad/husband for, like, forever; and before it gets said didn't ask son's mom to do anything - I was there to support her in her career (and put mine out on the line to air) and took care of both sides of the traditional male and female roles around the house. Our marriage / partnership failed for much of what I read above. shame.

I think sun_flower had something important to add.

Me: I'm starting to see why so many of my peers are still single and having trouble finding compatible partners.

TK
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 17
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 2:52:48 AM
Sun_flower I do understand your viewpoint but it was bartering and he never lived up to his word. I could have paid someone to move the furniture downstairs and put it for sale on craig's list. But it was not about the money so much as I had something he needed and I did not need anymore, but I am not charity. He wanted me to throw in the beds I had upstairs, the other bedroom furniture ( my children are grown and on their own but do visit) and wanted tools from my garage. He wanted anything that was free since he was living in an unfurnished house and his children were moving back in with him. We parted as friends because he did not have a dime to spare after paying his bills and paying expenses for his kids; was I supposed to foot the bill for every date we went on??

I was also a stay at home Mom for many years. BUT, I was married for 34 years and had a good marriage. I am widowed. In a marriage people do barter or share responsibilities as they raise a family and have mutual goals. Short term dating is rather different than a long term relationship. I expect a man to carry his weight financially at this stage in the game.

I really did like the guy but he admitted that he did not have much time to date after working and spending time with his daughters, nor did he have any money for a date and I did suggest cheap dates/outings that did not cost much. We were simply at different cross roads in our lives. Soon after, he took down his dating profile because he admitted he could not give anything to a woman at this time in his life.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 18
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 3:40:07 AM
Wow a man who spends all his money and time on his kids - what a douchbag. Now if ever a man deservered pampering, a foot massage and a free dinner, I nominate him. As a single mum who's been where he is I can relate to the need for care, intimacy and kindness.

However, I can also relate to your view point. Once I'm out of this there is no way I'm going back for anyone. Though I think I will be more mindful and helpful when I can be.
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 19
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 4:24:50 AM
Oh hell no, I wouldn't do it.


He has always been a sweet, caring guy, but notoriously irresponsible.

Well that's what makes him such a loveable mooch, right?


I'd do it again in a minute, if the right person came along.

I'm trying to imagine what the right person would be like. I guess it would be someone who continues to hold up his end of the housework deal and doesn't become an ungrateful slacker who starts expecting more and more hand-outs for less and less work. But it would probably be impossible to remove "irresponsible" from the list of his otherwise glowing attributes, since he'd be relying on you for material support anyway. Like a child. But then, if he had an ounce of integrity at all, the feelings of freeloader guilt and shame would eventually have to kick in. And that's why he'd end up subconsciously motivated to become more and more irresponsible until you're finally forced to evict him. Thereby relieving him of the kind of irresponsibility that's SO deeply entrenched, he can't even move out without your help.

Other than that, he sounds like a real prize. So better luck next time!
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 20
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 5:36:26 AM
Well and there is a good example of why one shouldn't try to barer with friends and lovers.
I was raised that you give something with no expectation you will get anything in return. If they sell your gift on eBay well it is theirs.
 sweetnshythatsalie
Joined: 6/17/2016
Msg: 21
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 6:02:19 AM
I would consider it, but I wouldn't go as far as you. Maybe if he had enough money to support himself that I wasn't treating for every meal out or event. I could except 1/3 rent as I easily pay all my bills myself. Also the sex would have to be amazing.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 22
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 7:04:50 AM
Well....It was the norm in the day for some of us...to be the stay at home parent and the money was controlled by the bread winner.
I did absolutely everything, that was in my capabilities.
He could come home and put his feet up. He had time to drink, spend his money on other women too....lol.

At this stage of the game....I am retired pretty much.
I had a taste of having that lifestyle.....when my daughter moved back home.
My late husband(2nd) and I working full time.....I would come home, house clean, tea ready and dinner started.
Aaahhh...it was nice!

But no....I wouldn't want a broke man living with me....ever!!
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 23
Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 7:47:18 AM
Cinnamon__Girl_, I was a stay at home boyfriend for about 3 years. I paid all the bills (without her asking) and had dinner ready for her every work night (except the nights we went out to eat).

Normally I played golf in the morning, then went to the gym and spent the afternoons in a casino - leaving in plenty of time to buy and prepare dinner. And yes, I was a good cook.

According to her there was a misunderstanding. Twice I thought she hinted that I should get my own place. After the second hint I did: almost immediately - I bought a house 1100 miles away from her by the ocean in Florida.

We both had plenty of bucks with good yearly incomes. Money was never a problem. Our one and only discussion about money involved me leaving ALL my money to my 3 kids. She didn't need any at the time.

During those 3 years the only other disagreement was marriage. She wanted to get married and I didn't. (Heck, I think even C T might agree with me on that decision - perhaps the only thing.)
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 24
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 7:49:55 AM
The 'notoriously irresponsible' was the kicker here. He was on good behavior for a few months and then went back to his old ways which should have been no surprise to you since you'd known him most of your life.

I have no objections to one partner staying home if both agree to the terms and hold up their side of the bargain.
I was a stay at home mom for a few years, I did all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, child care etc while my ex husband traveled a lot for work. He did the heavy yard maintenance like mowing and clean ups, while I picked weeds and took care of watering the lawn daily. It worked well because we were on the same page about chore divisions. And we both looked at our monthly budget and stuck to it.

Having a man at home either working remotely or retired sounds good to me as long as he recognizes the more free time one has the more chores you should be doing. Bills? 50/50 should be the only way.

With my son home from college for the summer, it's great to have dinner on the table nightly and all the lawn care done for us. I'll miss this kind of pampering when he starts his first job in August.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 25
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Ladies, would you want a stay-at-home boyfriend?
Posted: 7/13/2016 8:08:17 AM
Nope, I will not support a man with my hard earn money. it is cheaper to get a housemaid
a plumber, gardener, ( forgive my vulgarity a dildo ) in that context I respect myself. I want a man
who will be my partner , what he put on the table , I will match it, and we do things together for fun
and moral responsibility to each other,
I checked on this with lots of women about living together with out the benefits of marriage
99 % it did not work. And I have some friends that doesn't live together they have more fun
and decided to get married.
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