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 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 2
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?Page 1 of 1    
You could write an equivalent list about woman.

Everyone knows there is a 'honeymoon' period in relationships, where everyone presents their best side. As time goes on, it becomes harder to maintain a false facade.

That's what dating is for - to allow time and circumstances to reveal the true character and personality of each person so that it can be determined if you are compatible long term. This is why I would never move in with someone after a short period of time.

In my experience:
- pretending to love my dog and letting it sleep on the bed or in the bedroom when we first started dating; then trying to enforce that the dog sat on a specific rug whenever it was inside the house and did not roam freely around once we had been exclusive for a short while. He also thought it was fun to intimidate the dog with threatening actions.
- pretending to love my favourite sport and watching every test match with me (including going along to some live games) over that first summer we were together; then refusing to ever watch it again once the next summer season rolled around. He actually admitted he only pretended to like the sport so I would think we had that in common.

Learnt some valuable life lessons from that man.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 3
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/24/2016 9:39:47 AM
What people do when first meeting and dating, in a lot of cases, is performance art. People are selling themselves, trying to please, trying to convince someone to not run away and look elsewhere. Everyone does it to some extent. Everyone.

What's stupid about modern dating and the three-second attention spans that people carry - is that people think getting that quick 'exclusivity' promise is the same thing as being engaged or moving in together. They haven't taken any time to get to know one another, to share tough experiences as well as fun ones, to really see each other in their true colors. They just want that stupid promise so they feel less guilty about having sex or being less than perfect for whatever reason. It's as stupid as announcing your relationship in Facebook. It means NOTHING. It's a freaking label!


That's what dating is for - to allow time and circumstances to reveal the true character and personality of each person so that it can be determined if you are compatible long term. This is why I would never move in with someone after a short period of time.


Exactly. When I have first or second dates, I practically have to BEG for an informal meetup in jeans and no makeup. I don't want to see performance art - and I certainly don't want to be the one tap-dancing to impress them. I get turned down for a lot of dates for that very reason - because people are still hooked into that delusion that everyone in here - including themselves - is above-average, and deserves a match that is superior in some way as well. Despite what people may want you to believe, their sh1t ALWAYS still stinks, and they still make bodily function noises at random times during the day.

If you want to worry about exclusivity after the third date, go ahead and ask for that stamp of approval. After the tenth or fifteenth date, I'm pretty sure I already have it, and don't need to ask or demand anything - because we KNOW each other.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 4
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/24/2016 2:51:38 PM
Sweet_Danimal:


What's stupid about modern dating ...is that people think getting that quick 'exclusivity' promise is the same thing as being engaged or moving in together...They just want that stupid promise so they feel less guilty about having sex or being less than perfect for whatever reason. It's as stupid as announcing your relationship in Facebook. It means NOTHING. It's a freaking label!


That may apply to some people wanting exclusivity when they're dating someone, but not for everyone. I recently tried to talk to a guy that I dated a number of times about exclusivity. NOT because I was in love with him or even thinking beyond the next month with him (ie. I was not even predicting how "long-term" our relationship would be). But I knew we were about to get down and dirty and I think it's pretty nasty to be having sex with more than one person at a time. So I wanted to talk to him and ask him if he is SEXUALLY exclusive when sleeping with a woman or if he thinks it's cool to be sleeping around. Also wanted to know if he was okay with me sleeping with another guy while dating him (not that I would do that, it's not my style, but I wanted to know what HIS mentality was). Because I don't feel like picking up a disease and frankly even if the other woman he was sleeping with was 'clean' it's just gross and is a turn-off in my book. So for me exclusivity is more about "okay, I don't know how long we're going to be dating for - it could be a month or it could be a year or two - but however long it lasts I am only into having sex with you if I know you are not planning on having sex with other people while we're together."

In this particular case trying to have this conversation with this guy blew up in my face. I think he interpreted me bringing up exclusivity as me meaning that I wanted to jump into a serious relationship with him. Which wasn't the case. For me to feel "serious" about a guy and start calling him my boyfriend take many months. So I never got to explain to him what I meant by "exclusivity" because he clearly didn't want to have the conversation. I think it means different things to different people.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 5
In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/24/2016 4:09:45 PM
Personally, when as soon as I become "exclusive" with a women, my drinking increases. And for anybody that doesn't know me, I could be defined as borderline alcoholic when I'm single, so you do the math.

Gotta get.

There is a cold beer in the fridge just waiting for me and my sunny Sunday afternoon.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 6
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/24/2016 4:28:32 PM
Degrees of exclusivity? What? You can vote it's OK to date as many people as you want, so long as YOU are the only one he's f*cking? THAT is exactly what I meant by how 'damaged' people have gotten with relationships. Instead of trying to couple up, instead of trying to build trust and mutual love for one person, instead of trying to find a way to make it work, they're still playing this stuff like a damn video game they can 'Reset' whenever things don't remotely go exactly they way the like them to be. Setting up 'rules' to fit what you want is never any guarantee of success.

Interrogating someone for answers - even in front of Congress and the Courts and the rest of the world - doesn't EVER prove honesty. Even Bill Clinton, apparently, did not 'have sex' with Monica Lewinsky.

Trust and respect isn't built on conditional agreements - it's built on actions - things we DO to prove or disprove we are who we claim to be. Allowing partners to have friends and lives of their own is part of that. SHARING ourselves, our lives, and our time is ALL part of that.

Just because you have the freedom of choice and the power to choose or lose relationships, doesn't mean you should swing it around like a 6 year old who found Dad's gun. THAT is what's wrong with modern dating and these stupid labels. People use numbers and labels all the time to justify some outrageous things.

Partners change when conditions merit a change. 'Performing' to land a date and 'earn' a next date gets old really damn quick. Trying to settle into each other's lives involves a helluva lot more than just sleeping over twice a week. Getting an 'exclusive' label is NO excuse to leap forward OR hold back a relationship. People hold on to some pretty massive skeletons in their closets for weeks, years, even the rest of their lives - and becoming "exclusive" IN NO WAY means all that stuff is magically revealed.

Time is the only test that proves itself, and it's the only number of measure that matters in a relationship. When you meet a couple that has done it all, seen it all - what is it that people mention first? Time. Married 13 years, 39 years, whatever -- You have been a couple for the last six months, weeks, whatever -- it's certainly not "F*cking for the last 6 months" that matters.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 7
In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/25/2016 5:55:25 AM
Hey, you dropped your mic!

And that's a wrap folks...
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/25/2016 8:13:48 AM
It's hardly a gender exclusive issue. It's a bad habit to become complacent in a relationship. But this is why you date for a long time before becoming exclusive. Few people can keep up the charade of perfection for long.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 9
In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/25/2016 8:17:51 AM

I recently tried to talk to a guy that I dated a number of times about exclusivity. NOT because I was in love with him or even thinking beyond the next month with him (ie. I was not even predicting how "long-term" our relationship would be). But I knew we were about to get down and dirty and I think it's pretty nasty to be having sex with more than one person at a time. So I wanted to talk to him and ask him if he is SEXUALLY exclusive when sleeping with a woman or if he thinks it's cool to be sleeping around. Also wanted to know if he was okay with me sleeping with another guy while dating him (not that I would do that, it's not my style, but I wanted to know what HIS mentality was).


- Nice test. Women sometimes test men. I think men should test women too.

If he had some game, he would have sweetly said, "You are the only one for me babe!"
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/27/2016 4:09:09 PM

Nice test
Why is this a test? Surely these are just questions? If a man I was dating said he wasn't ready to be exclusive and still wanted to sleep with other women, I would clarify that these terms applied to both of us. Not because I would want his "permission" to also sleep around, but just because I like to make sure both parties are crystal clear about agreed dating terms. To be honest though, I've never had one of those non-exclusive dating arrangements and I'm pretty sure I'd bail if he wasn't ready to be exclusive at the same time I was.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 11
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/27/2016 5:07:04 PM

So I wanted to talk to him and ask him if he is SEXUALLY exclusive when sleeping with a woman or if he thinks it's cool to be sleeping around. Also wanted to know if he was okay with me sleeping with another guy while dating him (not that I would do that, it's not my style, but I wanted to know what HIS mentality was).


Why is this a test? Surely these are just questions?

It's a 'test' because instead of being direct with their line of questioning... i.e., "Would you consider being sexually exclusive with me?" They propose hypothetical (fake) situations to which they want only ONE reply - the one they WANT to hear - despite the fact people have the ability to answer it truthfully sixteen ways to Sunday. Hypothetical questions ARE fake. How people ANSWER them is also fake - because we know it isn't a real situation. It's NOT an honest and direct application of how people feel - it's impersonal - a false representation, a passive-aggressive approach that avoids direct communications about themselves, and their own feelings. That indirect answer often gets applied unfairly to real, true, honest feelings that were never made known.

This is where the annoying "Mind Reading" retort comes into play. Instead of being in the present moment, people regress and hide their feelings because they are suspicious of something. Conversations stay in the hypothetical and abstract, and we keep disguising our true feelings under layers and layers of these 'test' questions.

The 'interview' portion of dating should really be done and over with by the second date. Everything beyond that should be tit-for-tat kind of conversation - a friendly banter back and forth. Exchanging ideas and feelings in a more relaxed and TRUSTING atmosphere. Hypothetical questions are a sign of mis-trust, a sign that people don't want to show their own feelings - they just want to set up a fake barrier to judge what others say without fear of being judged.

People that are open with their communication don't need to fear being judged. They don't need to hide their feelings under phony circumstances. They sat what they feel, and they ask what needs asking. If you want to know if they are sleeping around, then by God ASK HIM. Give him the opportunity to tell the truth, or to make YOU be honest with your feelings by asking "Why?"
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 12
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/28/2016 5:48:34 PM

Why is this a test? Surely these are just questions?


could be. or could be a test at a couple levels, like if she's one of those warped people who equate a partner's need to control her as a barometer of caring. that is, he might be acknowledging boundaries that HAVEN'T been established yet, but the answer is interpreted as being uncaring because he's not trying to limit who she might be seeing. a number of women on here have said a sure sign of real interest is when a guy tries to 'lock you down.'

or it might be a test where a yes answer is interpreted as condoning of 'cheating,' since many women regard any kind of nonexclusive dating as a moral breach.

of course, if she then jettisons him as uninterested or a 'cheater,' that's not necessarily a bad thing for him.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 14
In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/28/2016 5:58:09 PM
I once briefly dated a guy from overseas who was in town for a number of months for work, and living in a hotel. Very pleasant chap. After about a month of seeing each other, he decided it would be reasonable to drop his dirty laundry at my house for me to take care of.

I still chuckle over that one.
 somewhatJaded14U
Joined: 2/19/2015
Msg: 15
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/28/2016 7:09:22 PM
^^^ Soo what was the problem? LOL!
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 16
In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/28/2016 7:24:22 PM
^ He wouldn't put out, duh.

Also, he almost drowned me in the river. Not intentionally, but I tend to be pragmatic when it comes to stuff like that.

I think the experience left him feeling emasculated, because it was after that that he tried the laundry thing.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 17
In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/29/2016 5:42:19 AM
I'd have done the laundry.. can tell a lot about someone state of their dirties. Like do they have swamp azz, etc.
Or he could have taken it to the river, beaten it on rocks. Been a real man :p
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 18
In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/29/2016 6:40:07 AM


If you want to worry about exclusivity after the third date, go ahead and ask for that stamp of approval.


A visible profile after shagging is equivalent to having rolling papers in your possession.

Intent...

Some folks wanna play sticks and carrots around the issue of exclusivity. Play it cool if you will.

I admire a gal that is up front and asks my views on the matter. I learned through trial & error not to bring it up first until afterwards...

I expect monogamy and profiles down if we're shagging. It's not a marriage proposal. Anything other then that is selfish, half-baked and manipulative.

And please, regarding the men being on their best behavior in the beginning? What happened to that hot momma that used to touch herself in my front seat? Wear exciting lingerie to bed?

Oh, that's right, she didn't like doing my laundry :(

Get black underwear guys. Problem solved!

Hahahahhahaha
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 19
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In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 7/29/2016 1:03:47 PM

-Both spent freely during dating; he's suddenly on a tight budget after exclusivity.

I think the girl would have to take a step back and check herself if she's being too self-minded, just to be sure. To some degree, you should expect this to happen if during the intro dating phase he was taking her out to really nice places and/or going out All the time. To some degree girls too will want more at-home dates, and budget can make it more a desire to for the guy to want that too, as he let his spending loose when trying to win her over. If she loses interest in him because she's not going to nice places sans a birthday, or not going out as often due to his budget -- she's got to realize it's not him changing, it's just a reality of his budgetary means.

-Gentleman during courtship; acts juvenile soon after beginning the committed relationship.

Yeah, to lessen situations like this is to nix the whole dog & pony show of "courtship" to win a gal over. By nature itself, the guy (and the gal too) are not going to be completely themselves on a Wed afternoon with someone they've known for years (real self). But by layering on the "courtship" mantra, to win a gal over to "what she deserves" -- it's only going to put that different persona on steroids. Not to say that's the only reason something like this can occur. Just side note of what can amplify the chances of it.

-Not romantic during dating; annoyingly romantic during beginning of relationship.

Well, if you liked the guy being non-romantic during the phase where expressed romanticism is usually at it's peak (after the first few dates, but before having settled in) -- I can see any level of serious romanticism by him becoming annoying since you're probably not much a fan of it. If this type of thing happens, he didn't start falling in love with you until After you two settled in. Assuming he doesn't sense you're losing interest and is trying to win your feelings back over, to avoid a breakup.

-Adventurous outgoing dates together; after commitment, he transforms into a couch-potato (TV, Netflix, cable sports, listen to music) or workaholic.

I've been the workaholic thing. Basically I'll have time periods very open to dating, and time periods very closed to dating. So if I click with a gal when my schedule's open to it, and we ride off in the sunset -- later on, work's going to swallow up my time as it always has -- but not to her knowledge. Even when warning them when just-dating, it's still not going to avoid the potential frustration on their part.

People (girls included) get into different gears once settled into a relationship. It's common for a guy to meet a gal at a festive bar, she likes going out, having drinks etc -- and a few months later when they're settled in as BF/GF, she just wants to go out to dinner, have a drink, and go home -- and the nightlife is only wanted by her when single. Our interests may change on particular things when we're single VS taken. We may like having drinks out on the deck when taken, along with our coupled friends. When single, we may want to experience the nightlife. There is kind of a common trend with that. And it bleeds into other things, too. It's natural. It's just that some things don't -- so if they don't for us, but do for them... or theirs changes A Lot on something, then we feel a mismatch.
 Blue_Highway
Joined: 5/11/2016
Msg: 20
In what ways do some men change (in an annoying way) soon after going exclusive with women?
Posted: 10/12/2016 9:18:13 PM
Hence why in my profile I say that I don't chest beat the 'me' anthem, do flying cartwheels, or put on facades just to get my foot in the door to dating and relationships. In my LTR's; all of them have said to the matter that I remained consistently genuine throughout. During those, I know I have been tested to see my reactions. Always me; an enigma from the self perceived man.

I'm not going to try and woo you with a 100K lifestyle when I only make 40. I'll be eating Top Roman until the next date. Also if you go full gusto on the outset; the really special occasions don't seem so special.
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