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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husb      Home login  
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 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 1
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Turning 45 very soon. When I was much younger I always envisioned myself married with kids long before this age. Had several long-term relationships in my 20s and 30s (lasting anywhere from 2-4 years, and a number of short-term ones as well). I consider myself an attractive woman who has a lot to offer as a partner. I have never had problems attracting men and the 3 long-term relationships almost led to marriage. But for a variety of complicated reasons, which were different in each case, they came to an end. I ended 2 of them, and my last one ended because my life was in shambles because of a very traumatic event, life-destroying event and I could no longer be the partner that my boyfriend needed me to be, so he called it off. While I wish he could have loved me enough to just wait it out and weather the storm with me until I recovered, I partially understand why he could not. Trauma puts a TREMENDOUS amount of strain on a relationship and they don't all survive it. He was a good guy and treated me like gold for most of our relationship so I don't hate him for ending it. But it was very sad.

I stayed away from dating for the next 7 years to try and pick up the pieces up of my shattered life. Managed to do that for the most part. Got back in the dating game earlier this year by trying OLD for the first time. I recently had a very negative dating experience. I was closed off and anti-relationship for so many years it was really hard putting myself back out there, but I decided to take a gamble and give it a shot. I was very selective about who's messages I answered and even more selective about who I accepted a date from. Met what I thought was a super nice guy, dated him for a bit, took a leap of faith, had sex for the first time in 7 years.....and promptly got dumped after only one roll in the hay.

This has left me feeling VERY discouraged. I've already had to accept that I won't be having children of my own which makes me really sad because I wanted to have some just as much as any other woman who wants kids. I've always adored kids. So of course I'm envious of all my girlfriends who managed to do that. But I will just have to accept that it was not in the cards for me. I will never know what it's like to be pregnant or the joy that comes with loving and being loved by your child. But now despite my best efforts, I am losing hope that I will ever meet a decent guy that I find attractive and who feels the same way about me. And I'm no spring chicken and feel like over the next 5-10 years I will be losing my looks as well. I want to grow old with a great guy but now feel like my age is working against me.

Has any never-married person out there ever met their partner after the age of 45 and also gotten married FOR THE FIRST TIME to this person? How did you meet them and how long did you date before getting engaged? Did you find it harder at this older age to do so? Why did you not meet your spouse earlier in life? Any advice or tips or recommendations?

Really feeling discouraged. :( I just don't want to be one of these people who grows old alone, dies, and a pack of wild raccoons breaks into my place and eats my body before anyone can discover it.
 sleeps_in_mouse_pajamas
Joined: 6/26/2016
Msg: 2
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 7:28:10 AM
Join a meetup group and get yourself out there. With online dating there are too many choices and it seems (in my case) that the men (mostly players) I end up dating and are attracted to always have their eye open for something better/different.

I've never been married and am okay with it. At this point in my life I've gotten used to not living with a significant other and cannot imagine ever living with one. I wish there was a simple answer on how to find a mutual loving relationship. I've been on POF for eight years and haven't found anyone who only wanted me whom I thought was relationship worthy. It is discouraging, but I think we have to be comfortable at the place we are in our lives. I do miss being in love and have no clue how long that feeling lasts for because I haven't been with anyone long enough.

In regards to your former boyfriend who found it difficult to be in a relationship with someone going through trauma, he may not have been strong enough for it. Some people are whereas others aren't.

 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 3
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 8:01:19 AM
We all have dreams of how our lives will be at a certain age. Part of the human condition.

I saw myself being married at 25, perhaps a kid or two, and only doing it once.

My reality, was not being married until age 34, no kids, and divorced at 55. No way I ever expected that. Toss in that I find dating waay harder than anything I've ever done in my life. I have a horrible time just talking with women. I pick up a clue here and there about doing it. 99 times out of a 100, I do it wrong. Now at age 60, I believe my dating skills rival a 15 year old guy.

Plenty of people expect age level conversation skills. Experience in how to date. Knowing all the nuances with dating. As a man, I can tell you that I can get blown out of the saddle faster than I can sneeze. You being a woman, you'll get some slack , some latitude in your social skills. You also can be taken for a ride, too. Dating becomes a crash course in learning what not to do, at our age. (Well, in the neighborhood of)

Expect a lot of frustration with dating. Everyone gets that, to a degree. Some more than others. Lucky us. I keep a small hope alive that something good will come out of this mess called dating. If nothing else- go buy a gun and shoot as many Racoons as you can, now.

While you're still able to.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 4
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 8:34:45 AM

I was closed off and anti-relationship for so many years it was really hard putting myself back out there, but I decided to take a gamble and give it a shot.


It sounds like you're still kind of closed off, and view dating negatively.



I was very selective about who's messages I answered and even more selective about who I accepted a date from.


This process of elimination could have eliminated a Mr. Right, if you're being super picky, and will only settle for total perfection. Are you totally perfect in every way?
 diaboloacetin
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 5
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 6:22:53 PM
OP, imo, this is probably the wrong forum to ask. With verh few exceptions, everyone else is still looking.

Asking advice from folks previously married is like seeking driving advice from people recovering from a car wreck.

Having said that. All your past experience shows is that you've been smart. Not being married and with kids is difficult, but a bad marriage with kids can be far worse, believe me. You show that you can love strongly enough for marriage. When the right person comes along, it will happen for you. There are no guarantees in life of course, and no one here can offer that.

Open yourself a bit. It does look like maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe some friends can motivate you to be more optimistic. Life is truly what you make of it, even with the bad happening.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 6
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 6:49:54 PM


This process of elimination could have eliminated a Mr. Right, if you're being super picky, and will only settle for total perfection. Are you totally perfect in every way?


In another thread, the OP stated she wanted to be monogamous but not have the bf/gf distinction for at least 4 months.

She met a guy that did not treat her like a boyfriend and just wanted a roll in the hay.

Not sure what she expects when she's sleeping with men that she doesn't feel are boyfriend material.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 7
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 7:06:32 PM
In my case, the racoons, coyotes, and 600 rats would be useful to get rid of all evidence of how I lived in REAL life. My online data-trail would still be there, and I've posted enough material to leave a positive legacy - or at least the kind of legacy I'd want.

Not concerned about being alone or dying alone. I'm never married, but then I never had a plan to be. I was once engaged. I have no kids, and again, never had plans for kids, so it's great I don't have any.

When I hear a story like the OP's all I can think is that she could have accepted kids into her life at any time, but she choose to keep everything at arm's length - waiting for ... PERFECTION. Kids rarely come at the perfect time, or grow up the way you want. I've seen this. You don't have to be a parent to observe frustration in how the kids turned out. I think you DO have to be a parent to love them regardless.

If having kids is INDEED your priority, I'd say go for it.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 8
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 8:41:32 PM

This process of elimination could have eliminated a Mr. Right, if you're being super picky, and will only settle for total perfection. Are you totally perfect in every way?


No of course I'm no perfect. Far from it. And I don't expect or even WANT perfection in a guy. If you read any of my recent threads about my recent dating experience you'll see that the guy I did end up dating was FAR from perfect - had quite a few problems that would have led many women to not want to date him. But because he also had quite a few things about him that I liked, I wasn't going to not date him just because he wasn't "perfect." But I take your point about perhaps being more receptive to some messages from some guys. I tended not to respond the messages that were boring/ lacking effort, but it's true that there could be an interesting guy behind a boring first message once you get to know him.


In another thread, the OP stated she wanted to be monogamous but not have the bf/gf distinction for at least 4 months.
She met a guy that did not treat her like a boyfriend and just wanted a roll in the hay.
Not sure what she expects when she's sleeping with men that she doesn't feel are boyfriend material.


ClooneysTutor, why the eff are you picking on me? Sounds like you have an axe to grind. I wrote you an extensive reply to the similar comment you left on my other thread. Did you even read it? Not that I have to defend myself to you, but I explained in great detail why it generally takes a few months before I start feeling more deeper "boyfriend" feelings towards a guy I'm seeing. For me it is not a superficial term (I know for some people it doesn't have much meaning) to refer to someone as my "boyfriend." So it takes a few months before I do. And the guy that I dated and slept with recently I did consider to be a potential boyfriend. Otherwise I would NOT have had sex with him. I liked him, was enjoying his company, was physically attracted to him and we had a lot in common. So I saw potential there. Obviously that changed after he acted like a jerk the last time we went out.

Again, sorry you had negative experiences with some women who held out on calling you their boyfriend. As I said in my other thread, just because you dated some b*tches who used the label as a manipulative tactic doesn't mean you should judge all women who wait a while before using the b word. Everyone is different.


When I hear a story like the OP's all I can think is that she could have accepted kids into her life at any time, but she choose to keep everything at arm's length - waiting for ... PERFECTION. Kids rarely come at the perfect time


I actually wasn't waiting for the perfect time at all, but I was waiting until after my career was established (which wasn't until my 30s), met the right guy to have them with, and got married. I did not want to be a single mom or having kids with some guy who's not even my husband. I wanted my kids to grow up in a 2-parent, stable household. But because I never got married the kids thing never happened.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 9
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 8:50:45 PM
Thank-you sleeps_in_mouse_pajamas and diaboloacetin for the advice and words of encouragement. Good suggestions :)
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 10
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/14/2016 11:21:01 PM

I actually wasn't waiting for the perfect time at all, but I was waiting...

...and proceeds to define what the perfect requirements are: Career/Breeder Stock/Marriage/Nest Egg
 TucsonPug
Joined: 6/17/2015
Msg: 11
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/15/2016 3:33:11 AM
I'm probably not the best person to reply for several reasons
2-4 years is not a Ltr in my book
I managed to have a career while having my first child and kept it going.
I'm quite impulsive but know my own mind, I fell in love with my first husband on our first date.
I'd never given kids a thought until I met the father of my children.
We started buying a house together after 3 months and moved in within 6 months.
Had our first child within 2 years and second 8 years later, recipe for disaster I hear you yell but we were in love for 27 years.
As for relationships after 45 I guess it's the luck of the draw, mine were after 50 and I had one good one and one bad one. Dates since have been ok, no disasters but no one I would want to spend more than a couple of dates with either. I'm not open to settling for less than I want and don't expect the other party to either.
You need to broaden your horizons as much as possible by doing things you enjoy. Don't do things specifically to meet prospective dates.
I have lots of male friends but I really don't want them matchmaking for me, I just want them as friends.
I guess it makes no difference how long you wait before having sex with whoever you're seeing, if he does a runner he does a runner, it's not great for your confidence but what can you say if he didn't want seconds. Don't over analyse why, move on.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 12
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/15/2016 5:20:21 AM
You are at a good age to find someone. Just not here. I have several friends who met and married about your age. One went on to have kids, if you have any interest in that. They met through classes, dating people that they met while out and about. (If you meet an attractive man in the grocery store, dont be shy about getting his number if he offers it.) Two met through old fashioned city paper ads, you know, in a newspaper, remember that.LOL.

But they advertised " want to marry in the short term" or some such. They didn't sleep with men before three months and they didn't waste time on men who just wanted a warm body but not marriage.

Put it on the table early on. If they run, they would have dated you until you were fifty and then said that you were too old.
At this age, you know in a month whether you can marry this person, or want to marry him.
Either you smile when you see him or you don't.

Be yourself, ask friends to set you up, hire a matchmaker. If you use online dating, don't spend more than three exchanges before meeting. If he always has an excuse not to meet, move on. Also, until you are engaged, never date just one person unless there is no one else that you like at the moment. This does not mean sex. Get to know them otherwise. That is what makes it last.

Good luck and don't listen to the negative nannies.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 13
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/15/2016 10:39:10 AM
I don't see any disadvantage when it comes to dating and being never married and child free, at any age. There is no ex drama and there is no permanent connection to an ex via having a kid together. This is very rare, because most people still have ties to a relationship that was a mistake. So you're in an advantageous position OP.
 UnKnownNYMale
Joined: 6/24/2014
Msg: 14
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/15/2016 1:28:10 PM

Kids rarely come at the perfect time,


I'm probably wrong, but it is my belief that more kids than not, are accidents.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 15
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/15/2016 3:01:02 PM
"I'm probably wrong, but it is my belief that more kids than not, are accidents."

Children born by accident are preventable.

"I've already had to accept that I won't be having children of my own which makes me really sad because I wanted to have some just as much as any other woman who wants kids."

Who, pray tell OP, told you that all other woman want to have children.

Today, many women are childless by choice, and happy for their decision. They remain happy with this decision for their whole lives.

OP, you sound depressed. Not situationally depressed, but depressed no matter what your situation would be.
Imo, you need profession help.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 16
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/15/2016 3:23:32 PM
In her profile she checked 'does not want children'<

I think the OP is a man, pretending to be a woman. And thinks 'she' is doing the rest of us a 'favor' by bringing up various subjects that s/he thinks are 'women's issues'---but s/he goes on and on about stuff most of us women have figured out in 8th grade<
 minimetoo
Joined: 7/13/2016
Msg: 17
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/15/2016 5:47:50 PM

I've already had to accept that I won't be having children of my own which makes me really sad because I wanted to have some just as much as any other woman who wants kids.



Who, pray tell OP, told you that all other woman want to have children.

Today, many women are childless by choice, and happy for their decision. They remain happy with this decision for their whole lives.


Note the OP said ".....just as much as any other woman WHO WANTS KIDS". She didn't say ALL women want kids.

And yes. You can find love at this age AND start a family of that's what you want. You may have to change how you're going about finding a partner, maybe this is not the right venue. Change up how you meet people.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 18
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/16/2016 5:45:33 AM
In this day and age it is hard to believe that unplanned unwanted children still appear. Alcohol and being forced to have sex not withstanding. I know married people who had unwanted children, didn't use protection and wondered why the woman got pregnant. Probably most children after the first two are not planned.....Certainly in years gone by when contraception was unreliable.
 minimetoo
Joined: 7/13/2016
Msg: 19
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/16/2016 7:08:10 AM
^^^^ What has the above got to do with the topic?
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 20
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/17/2016 4:13:34 AM

Note the OP said ".....just as much as any other woman WHO WANTS KIDS". She didn't say ALL women want kids.


Thank-you Minimetoo for pointing this out. Apparently some people's reading comprehension skills leave much to be desired. Perhaps they are the one that needs the "professional help."

Thanks to everyone here who actually offered intelligent advice, constructive suggestions, insightful opinions, encouraging words, or simply shared your own related personal experience. Isn't that what the forums are supposed to be for?

I'm always amazed when I see people posting comments that have little to no merit and are simply designed to insult the OP. Or go on a bitter rant that is clearly related more their own psychological issues than anything else. When people post something, open up about themselves (sometimes about very painful experiences), and genuinely ask for helpful advice, why do some feel the need to do this and be so negative? If you can't think of anything intelligent or helpful to say, then just STFU. Bad enough if you lack the ability to be empathetic or compassionate when someone shares a personal story about their life...but to go so far as to try and insult the person? I think it says a lot more about the person making these types of comments than it does about the OP it's directed at. Some people get a kick out of trying to make others feel bad to try and boost themselves up. Sad and pathetic but true. These forums are here for people to offer constructive ADVICE and moral support. Direct your hate and bitterness elsewhere (and stick it where the sun don't shine).
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 21
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/17/2016 5:36:59 AM
Oh, some posters do insist on making cracks. I call them inconsiderate louts, that I wouldn't deal with in real life. They just don't get the idea that some haven't had the life experiences that they have had. I'd like to hand them a new life experience, and watch them do a meltdown. Then they wouldn't look so smart. Keep in mind, we just might look at them, and think-BORING! Or they try to "hold court". So sorry, I don't think you know all that much.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 22
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Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/17/2016 7:40:11 AM
"These forums are here for people to offer constructive ADVICE and moral support. "

When people are truthful, some people just want to stay in denial.

OP, you certainly hinted that all women want children, and now that you ended up with none you feel ripped off.

My suggestion to you is to stop dwelling on what you don't have, and start counting your blessings.
 22UFO
Joined: 8/12/2016
Msg: 23
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/17/2016 8:31:24 AM
OP ...

I was 44 when I got married, had a child and moved to another country due to a new job. All in the same year.

Medically, I'd been told for years that I'd never have a child.
Socially, I'd been told I wasn't pretty and should learn to take care of myself.

So I'd put childish dreams aside and concentrate4d on my life. I had thoughts of what I would do in life and how I could contribute to raising the living standards of all people (kind of like other women had wishful dream-plans that their child would be valedictorian, off to Ivy League college and be the winner of the Nobel and Pulitzer Prizes). I dreamed that I would find a wonderful man who loved me rather than my looks and he and I would be together forever.

Then I got pregnant (my MD was shocked!) and married (I was shocked!). I knew my husband for a year and knew it was a disaster to get married to him because he didn't want to move out of his small town and I'd just gotten a job sending me around the world - AND I WANTED THAT MORE THAN I WANTED TO BE MARRIED TO HIM!

Well, I'm divorced and my son probably isn't going to be valedictorian, much less a Nobel Prize nominee. He says it's because I'm only an average mom so he's only an average kid; and I am so proud of him in so many ways. I retired less than a year ago and considering another career because being retired is boring -- and I'm still unpacking from my latest move. I don't have time to mope that my life wasn't what I planned when I was young and ignorant or a little older and still pretty stupid.

But, then, I never PLANNED to get married or have kids.
I never felt incomplete even when I didn't have a man at my side. I think you do - feel incomplete that is. I think that a husband is your be-all and end-all, the apex of everything you feel you ought to have. I think you should broaden your horizons and discover who you really are and what you have to offer as a person. Perhaps discuss this with a professional.

In your case, I'd be less picky about the messages I respond to - it's hard to comment on the nothing in your profile - and more picky about who (and why) I had sex with. Go on dates without the idea of him being the 'one true love of your life'. Have some fun rather than wondering if he's going to proposition you before you're ready.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 24
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/17/2016 8:39:32 AM
Married a few times here. Just turned 48.

For some reason, the thought of a foreva long term relationship now feels stale.

Like, I should have already been partnered up 20+ years ago and not wading through this filthy pond now.

Starting all over again just doesn't have that new gum taste appeal anymore.

I'm curious how many folks married or even re-married after 50 to a similar aged partner?
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 25
Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?
Posted: 8/17/2016 3:30:44 PM
My neighbors married at 60 and were together until one died. - --------- at 80.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Any never-married, childless women out there who met their first husband after age 45?