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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?      Home login  
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 AventuraExotica
Joined: 7/30/2015
Msg: 1
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
As the title says, I'm in a sexless relationship.
Since the beginning (Jan2015) it wasn't very sexual and I figured it was due to the fact that we were still getting to know each other, so he didn't want to rush it too much because he did say he wanted a friendship first. Yes, he is the one who doesn't find sex to be a very important part of our relationship. He stated it wasn't the most important thing in the relationship, also that he was just real stressed with finances, most of the time it's he's too tired.
There had been times before we had a baby (Spring 2016) that we went 2 1/2 months without sex and he would never mention it during that timr or initiate anything. I would constantly have to ask for it, almost beg. I keep telling myself once things get better financially and he's not so stressed things may start looking up with having more intimacy. We broke up one month and got back together 3 weeks later and I Surprisingly ended pregnant from that 1 time, (we hadn't been intimate for about a month before I broke up with him).

Anyway it's been a year and a half, and nothing has changed with intimacy. There is no romance either. I have sat down with him over 2/3 times and told him that I am the type of person that needs a sexual connection with my partner. I have done or at least tried doing date nights at home and even that doesn't work to get him interested in romance or sex. I know we have this kid now, but I can't continue to live a lie and pretend everything is okay on my end. I just don't know how to do this, how to deal with this. I've mentioned counseling but it's never happens even though he has said yes. I just feel he puts no effort towards fixing the problem, and I'm human I have needs. Is it time to call it quits??
 2016summer2016
Joined: 3/18/2016
Msg: 2
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 4:31:00 AM
Whats your number girl?

But seriously, either he is getting it on the side or has a very low sex drive. I doubt it is because of stress, although that is possible. Not sure if counseling will help at all. He can get cheap sex pills from anywhere. An open relationship is an option. You too have a kid now, breaking up should be the last resort.
 calguy2017
Joined: 8/12/2016
Msg: 3
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 5:57:53 AM
Either his health is an issue or he is on the down low.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 4
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 6:09:16 AM
Having a profile on a dating site, with intent listed as seeking a man for hangout, is not a very good solution. Does he know you're on a dating site, and on a chat board airing your grievances about him to the internet world?
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 5
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 6:41:25 AM
People who don't like romance and sex are not a good catch. And sadly, counseling can't fix everything, and that's a lot to fix..... I often recommend counseling, especially when people have a child....... but it's questionable if it's fixable (you have two major problems)....... it sounds like he was like this from day one..... so it's not a love level issue......... it's not like something happened and you can raise his love level, bring it back. It's just the way he naturally is.

Sadder still is that you have a baby together. It would have been better if you had gotten out of the relationship quicker.

At least you'll know how to spot this dealbreaker quicker the next time. Keep your profile, you are going to need it.
 Cdan1957
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 6
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 6:43:16 AM
What maleman said. Why would you think that the opinions of people on a dating site would give you the answers to a problem that will influence the rest of your life? If he will not go to counseling then go your self. You need a professional to help you deal with this situation. You have a child that is going to be affected by your decision.
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 7
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 7:27:08 AM

You too have a kid now,
breaking up should be the last resort
.

I disagree.
Having stayed together for "the sake of the kids"for
2 decades myself,(oh what I wouldn't do to have my 20's and 30's back!!!)
I can attest it not only doesn't help the kids
it hurts them more than going your separate ways and
coparenting in a civilized way!

Thing is, you knew going in he wasn't big on sex.
Why (and how)did you have a child with him if he has
a seriously low sex drive?

People tell you who they are. It's our responsibility to LISTEN.

Since neither of you has set up an appointment with a counselor
nothing has changed.

Seems to me you both have already given up and all that's left
is the logistics of ending this.

If you don't get your needs met within the relationship, the odds are
if you stay with him, you'll cheat.

Spare yourselves that drama and start planning to move on and out.

Set up visitation and child support with him in a fair way and
Remind him you told him plenty of times you needed sex and he
left you hanging.

Life is too short to be unhappy!!!!

Next time make SURE you're compatible in MOST WAYS
before you get pregnant!

Good luck!
 AventuraExotica
Joined: 7/30/2015
Msg: 8
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 7:27:28 AM
Thank you Hemingway234 for your helpful non offensive answer. He did try pills that I suggested he try but he stopped taking them about 3 weeks after.
I think it is just the way he is naturally, not very sexual. Because he goes to work and comes home and alot of times I drop him off.
I didn't know people Could be his uninterested in intimacy with their partner. I just don't know what kind of solution we will be able to find that we both will be happy with.
 AventuraExotica
Joined: 7/30/2015
Msg: 9
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 7:33:01 AM
We both lived with relatives during the majority of the time we dated so we didn't have alot of chances for intimacy and we never really spoke to much about sex. I was trying not to rush into sex so soon with this relationship compared to others I've had. Unfortunately trying to go about a new relationship in a different way than usual was an epic fail. And I don't want to cheat but we both are not happy because he feels I nag him about the issue too much. Thank you all for your opinions and suggestions.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 10
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 7:53:04 AM
So he took some pills for a few weeks - he was trying, he cares. But it's just not him.

There are some Asexual people, but it's very rare - you would probably never run into one again in dating. Also gay people (Search: "straight spouse"). It sounds like he could be one of those.

As far as a solution - no sex or romance is going to make you fall out of love with him and you'll grow resentful over time, until you can't stand him anymore and leave.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 11
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 8:00:55 AM
You compromised what you needed to be in a relationship with this man, so you must have thought he was pretty damn special to do that. Not once have you mentioned in all of your posts any positive attributes this guy has. Is he kind, gentle,, trustworthy, responsible? If he is, give him the benefit of the doubt and approach him one last time tell him exactly what you told us, you want this to work for the sake of your child.

Offer to go to counseling together, and unfortunately you will need to give him an ultimatum. And then YOU need to make the appointment, set up a time each week for both of you to speak with an relationship expert. Encourage him to make a Drs appointment and go with him. He may have a physical reason for being unable to perform.
He can't change who he is unless he wants to and he seems quite happy just having sex with you only once every 2-3 months. Are you 100% sure he even wants you as his partner, or is he in it just out of obligation?

You say you are both miserable now, was the relationship any good prior to the baby being born? If you hadn't gotten pregnant would you still be with him? You are not a teenager, you had many choices when faced with this situation and you chose to have a child with this man. So you need to be sure he really wants to be with you. He may feel trapped and unloved as well. You have to talk. **** footing around difficult subjects is what bad communicators do, and makes for failed relationships.
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 12
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 8:06:49 AM

If you don't get your needs met within the relationship, the odds are
if you stay with him, you'll cheat.

Spare yourselves that drama and start planning to move on and out.


This is the best advice so far.

There's no good or bad sex. What is important is that you have compatibility. That is a libido that while one partner most of the time will want it more, you're in the same wavelength. When you are not. The one that has to beg always feels guilty and resentful. While the one that keeps rejecting also feels guilt and resentment for not being understood, or under a lot of pressure to do something that quite frankly is not their thing.

There are people that have libidos that are okay with sex once a year. Others once a month, once a week, once a day, even twice a day. None is right or wrong, it's just a matter of compatibility.

My advice is to get some therapy first. Not through a church, but through an independent therapist or more specifically, a sex therapist. It will be very important that you keep religion or any of those concepts away from the issue.

In the end, you should not stay in the relationship, just for the kid. You will do the child a huge disservice and all he/she will see growing up is resentment, distance, disdain, instead of two loving parents that dote on each other, touch and kiss each other in front of their kids and are not afraid to express their emotions.
 minimetoo
Joined: 7/13/2016
Msg: 13
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 10:31:51 AM

I'm just curious as to how many men would actually consider dating a woman who is pregnant. Someone who may be single or is in process of ending a relationship. Remember she wants to date a man and not wanting or looking for a father for the baby. I ask because I am currently in this situation. 6 years ago with my pregnancy I dated at that time and everything actually went pretty well. What would you do?


This was the last thread you created. It sounds like you've had issues before. Perhaps this fellow is not the one for you and perhaps you are not relationship material yet yourself. Maybe both of you need to do a little work.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 11:21:13 AM
He has a low libido, he could be cheating too, one thing doesn't mean the other won't happen, but mostly from your post, it sounds like he's not interested in sex. I don't know why you thought staying and having a baby would make it better, but now you know, this is it, this is who he is. You can look up low libido message board sites to talk to other people in the same situation. But the fact remains, if you stay you will be begging for sex that he does not want for the rest of your relationship, or you can be good co-parents and move on, you deserve to find a man who wants what you want, just as this man deserves to not have sex if he doesn't want to.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 15
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/16/2016 10:46:40 PM
Curious that you chased this guy down TWICE and seem to always initiate the sex despite the fact that it wasn't his best interest and he was overwrought with other concerns. This story makes you out to be a sexual predator - I'm wondering why you chased this guy down with his lack of interest and lack of money. You really kept after him, though...that's what really pops about this story. My guess is that you won't walk away - you will continue to hound him until you get baby #2, #3, until someone pulls this sap out of your trap.

So...I don't think it's even a question whether you'll stay. The only question is how short a leash you will keep him on. Maybe he'll be a good dad and you'll feel your efforts were justified. All I can suggest is to use EVERY option of birth control in the future.

For another person, I might suggest having the guy give up his parental rights - but in your case, I know that will make no difference, you will chase him down regardless.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 16
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/17/2016 1:57:49 AM
I'm always amazed when I hear about people choosing to have a kid with someone they haven't even been in a relationship with for very long. You barely knew him that early on in the relationship. You're still young, so why wouldn't you have waited until you were with him for a significant period of time or married to him? You would have found out about this problem before having a child and it would have been a lot less complicated to break up.

Having said that, it's too late to put the bun back in the oven, so hopefully you can work it out with him for your child's sake if there are other good things about him/ the relationship. As someone else mentioned, apart from his libido, what are his strengths? Do you love each other? Is he at least affectionate or cuddly, even if you're not having sex. Physical affection can help make up PARTIALLY for not having sex as much as you want because you're still connecting with the magic of touch. But if he doesn't even hug, kiss, or cuddle with you in ADDITION to barely having sex with you, that's pretty stark, and you will feel very deprived in the long run.

I agree with some of the other posters - you need to see a counsellor with him and if he refuses, then continue to go alone for professional help and advice. The other thing is he should see a doctor to determine if there is a physiological reason behind his low libido. Perhaps his testosterone levels are low (the hormone that heavily influences one's sex drive). In which case, he could be prescribed some. Is it possible he has some erectile dysfunction and because of this he is less inclined to have sex for fear of performance issues?

Whatever the case, you strongly need to suggest to him to see both a doctor and a counsellor because it is affecting your relationship outside the bedroom and your feelings for him. He needs to know that in the long-run, this will be a dealbreaker and that you don't see yourself staying in a sexless/ affection-less relationship. If he loves you and doesn't want to lose you, hopefully he will step up to the plate and do whatever he can to improve things.
 oneday57
Joined: 10/17/2015
Msg: 17
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/17/2016 4:16:54 AM
Hate to sound clinical but get counseling...then after you and him cant resolve your issues then it might be time to move on....and yes everyone has their needs...sounds like yours aren't anything any other woman would like!...and don't (stay together for the children)....doesn't work and brings a ton of resentment....good luck!
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 18
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/17/2016 8:48:56 AM
More information - A sexless relationship is defined by therapists as sex less than 10 times per year.
 Jackals38
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 19
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/17/2016 1:08:41 PM
The selfish thing to do is stay in a sexless relationship "for the kids"...that is absolutely terrible advice. The hard thing to do, the selfless thing to do, is to leave if your partner is unwilling to attempt to fix or even acknowledge such a fundamental problem with the relationship. I promise you your kids aren't going to thank you for having to grow up watching their parents be miserable. In any case, nine times out of ten, the person pretending they are not interested in sex, for whatever arbitrary and usually ridiculous reason, is simply getting it somewhere else anyway.
 calguy2017
Joined: 8/12/2016
Msg: 20
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/17/2016 4:49:20 PM
Take the guy to the doctor and have his testosterone levels checked.My bet is that he is carrying a fair bit of fat around the midsection.More males at a younger age are experiencing low test levels.If levels are normal he is gay.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 21
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/17/2016 6:04:40 PM
Obviously this guy can't win for losing! If a woman refuses sex or has no interest, even after menopause, no one bats an eye.
When a guy isn't hounding for sex 24/7 - women call for him to be hospitalized, medicated, psycho-analyzed, etc.

Wow.
 Llookingformynextmistake
Joined: 5/29/2016
Msg: 22
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/18/2016 3:07:51 PM
^^^^ aintnodeal, DING DING DING!

OP, I was married to someone with this issue. We ended up divorced after 17 yrs. The emotional toll it takes on the person who is being rejected is awful. He was diagnosed after the fact as asexual.

LePew
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 23
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/19/2016 10:08:11 AM
In every other way, is he loving to you? Does he make you feel special? You may have to reach out to him through communication... make all of your conversations something you both enjoy.

Is he the absolute best father to your child? If he's there most of the time for your child, your child will get hurt from a divorce. Divorce hurts kids, no matter what, no matter what age. You choose to make this baby. Raise the kid before you think you're hot stuff for some other dude. Your first responsibility is your kid.

I'm not advocating that you split. But if you decide to move on, you have a responsibility to keep a good friendship with him so that he remains the Dad as he always was.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 24
Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/19/2016 10:22:48 AM
In the end, you have to be responsible for your own happiness. Everyone else is too busy to handle the job, b/c it means less to them than it does to you. We all put aside time for what's important to us. as the ^^ said, don't burn bridges on your way out, there's a way to handle this well and move on to greener pastures...and once there, you'll wonder why you waited so long :)

sometimes, the proverbial grass is greener only b/c of all the fertilizer used. But other times, the simple life is obtainable, and boy...is it nice.
 UnKnownNYMale
Joined: 6/24/2014
Msg: 25
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Sexless Relationship in Georgia....should i stay or should i go?
Posted: 8/19/2016 11:48:28 AM
Aventuraexotica...

Here is my advise to you, coming from a man that will be celebrating (??) his 3rd anniversary of involuntary celibacy next month...

Yes!! It's over!! Get out now while you still can!!...while you're still relatively young...I had my chance back when we were around 30, but we reconciled back then, and I've been regretting it ever since.

No amount of talking, arguing, fighting, anything...will make this situation any better...ever. You absolutely don't want to live like that.

While a relationship can't be based on sex alone, sex and intimacy is a HUGE part of a relationship. It's to the point now where I don't even want to engage in any type of intimate contact with the person I've been with for over 25 years now. Kissing, any more than a 'peck on the cheek', feels uncomfortable and forced, and I don't know what I'd do if she did want to 'do it' at some point now.
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