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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Worst reasons you've given when dumped?      Home login  
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 Diligite_Cordis
Joined: 3/14/2016
Msg: 1
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I totally understand it when people are clear about the reasons why they no longer want to be with you, but every now and then you get a hand-waving excuse that makes no sense at all. For example, my last GF of 3 months said out of the blue "I don't think this is going to work, we have a personality clash." I asked her to explain and she couldn't it was clearly just a "feeling". Personally, I think she just wants to be on her own and having another person in her life was more than she needs right now. If she had said that, had been honest about her reasons I could have least understood that I hadn't done anything wrong but this vague justification was more hurtful that the truth because it left me wondering what it was that I did that "clashed" with her, especially as we hadn't argued or fallen out over anything. She did say there were some things that irritated her but she refused to elaborate (probably because they were tiny things I could have changed) and so I'm left with no feedback that I can use to look at and use to improve myself. Yes, I know it's not up to her to tell me what I did wrong but we learn from our experiences and understanding why something didn't work is both good feedback and a much better way of getting closure. :-(

Anyway, what are the truly dreadful reasons you've been dumped with?
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 2
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/24/2016 3:04:37 AM
She didn't think it was going to work. Even if this was a lack luster weak sauce excuse to you it was enough for her to end it. You are expecting feedback that makes absolute sense to you and you will never get that. If the woman wrote a diatribe of reasons why she wanted to abandon this relationship it would still not be enough for you because your ego is damaged by her dismissal.

You may not have been able to change what she was objecting to. You will never know. What you do know is that she is not "feeling" you any more and that will suffice over time. I find when a short term friendship dissolves knowing that that person does not want to be with you is enough information. Why ask why?

Rejection does not always put you on a learning curve for physical, emotional and or spiritual improvement. That truly has to come from within. You do not need closure from her...especially if it is a personality clash. You would perhaps be inviting histrionics into the break up that are really not necessary at this point and only after 3 months. You do not need anything from this lady. What you need to do is move on.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 3
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/24/2016 4:58:26 AM
I'm with you Diligite_Cordis. I think it's a total, disingenuous cop-out when someone breaks things off and doesn't even have enough courtesy or respect for the other person to be honest about what went wrong for them. I can see why one might hesitate to have an honest conversation if the other person is being highly emotional or is on the verge of having a meltdown or is about to flip out if you tell them the real reasons. But if someone is asking calmly, respectfully and maturely to please tell them why they are being dumped, I think you owe it to that person. I have been honest in the past with previous boyfriends and if pressed I would answer honestly to anyone. If however, I became physically turned off by someone over time, I would stop short of telling them that since that would be hurtful. But that's usually not the reason why one breaks up with someone. If you weren't physically attracted to you wouldn't have dated them in the first place. I have lost physical attraction for previous boyfriends with time, but I think that's just because I fell out of love with them because of their personality....and that then killed the sexual attraction on my part.

I am someone who feels MUCH better knowing the truth than being fed some lie to spare my feelings. Hurt my feelings with honesty! It's far more painful not to know. For someone like me who tends to overthink, overanalyze, and ruminate about stuff for weeks, it's a lot easier to just know the truth than for your mind to left to wonder what happened and go through EVERY possible reason under the sun why the person lost interest. Sometimes that can be DOZENS of possible reasons that leave you feeling like crap.

Just grow a pair and be honest with the person if they asking.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 4
Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/24/2016 6:44:20 AM

...and so I'm left with no feedback that I can use to look at and use to improve myself.


It's not her job to fix you-especially after you two are no longer together. Besides, what so many people do is deny that there is anything wrong with them and say "It's you that has the problem. There's nothing wrong with me." It turns into a childish game of back and forth accusations. How does she know if you can handle "constructive" criticism without throwing it back at her? Would you feel compelled to tell her what's wrong with her, which will turn into a p1ssing match?
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 5
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/24/2016 10:08:11 AM
Here is one of the best threads on weak sauce break ups here. It's from 2010.

https://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts13911168.aspx
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 6
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/24/2016 10:09:18 AM
Getting no feedback is part-n-parcel with online dating. The ability to fish elsewhere, to engage in multiple conversations with a mobile phone 'click', and the way people tend to replace online connections for real life interactions means that the value of an intimate one-on-one relationship is largely disposable. In short - when you get dumped early on, don't EVER expect to know why.

What I find even more puzzling is the notion that all of these 'disposable' connections are indeed seen as garbage when we decide to reject them. No forgiveness, No trying again later, No second chances - you get a first impression, and that's it - for all of time. Then you're flushed down the toilet and regarded with equal status to those products that USUALLY get flushed down toilets. Navigating through thousands of people here with only a hunch based off what you read or a few minutes of texting or talking on the phone may be efficient, but it's ridiculously selfish and ignorant to assume that one spontaneous 'hunch' is perfect.

Of course playing a hunch works - when you are turning someone away. You can assume anything you want at that point, and believe you are correct - because you are never going to test that theory. Testing could would prove you 'wrong' - and if there is anything true in here - people would rather be dead - than dead wrong. That's why getting into that pizzing match is about the most futile of arguments. Just - let it go.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 7
Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/24/2016 8:45:47 PM
This is like a bad Woody Allen movie. In so many words, you turn her off. The "correct script" does not matter, for you will point out the typos.
 Railrunner
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 8
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/24/2016 11:08:03 PM
Back when I owned a PC repair shop, I made no secrets that it pays the bills, puts food on the table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head, but some months (Particularly mid summer) not a whole lot after that. Well, went out with a lady for about four months, started going out in March one year (About 2012 or so). Come August I made it clear, we would have to cut back on going out to eat. She got mad, yelled and screamed about "Being cheap", and could not understand that owning your own shop DOES NOT automatically make you rich. That the reality is, is that it is a LOT of hard work, and if you were to average out income over hours spent, you're working below minimum wage. She had it in her head, from day one of us apparently, that owning your own store makes you Sam Walton. Her final line "Call me when you have a million dollars". Funny part was, she wasn't a gold digger. Was not an expensive date, but going out to eat two, three times a week adds up, and always best to have a set amount of "Reserve" money you NEVER dip into unless it is an emergency. And best to stay away from having only that amount. August was usually my one loss month as far as profit.

Either way I still don't have that million, never even seen her in passing again anyway. Good riddence.
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 9
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 7:35:05 AM

She did say there were some things that irritated her but she refused to elaborate


Here's what really went down. She didn't want to tell you what were those little things because right away you would have said that you could fix them and be that person that she wanted. And she didn't want that. What she really wanted was not to date you anymore. In the end it doesn't matter. It is what it is. It's a "feeling." Period. Accept it as that. You are hurt because you were rejected and it doesn't matter what she would have told you or not tell you.

So move on. The one thing you are right about is this. It's not about you. So don't change anything but move on.

Realize also, that 3 months is not a long time. This is the best time to realize that it's not going to work and cut your loses.
I had a girlfriend that split with me a while back and told me that her biggest mistake was not to tell me in the 3 month mark that it was not going to work. Instead we wasted 9 months of our life.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 10
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 7:42:54 AM
The three month mark is a pretty typical time-frame for people to take stock as to whether they want to continue to date you. For many, it's the end of the infatuation phase and the time when reality sets in.

As Gorilla has said, sometimes it's just a feeling. The other person doesn't really owe you a detailed explanation as to why they don't feel like being with you anymore. They don't have to nitpick it to death. It should be enough that they don't want to be with you anymore.

After all, why would YOU want to be with anybody who is not wholeheartedly excited to be with you just the way you are.
 PlutoLover68
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 11
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 9:13:37 AM
After 3 months, I don't think a huge explanation is required. I think a simple I don't see this working out as enough.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 12
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 10:27:20 AM
It would be awesome to exchange a "post-date" or "post-relationship" survey card with people!

Then, we could learn why the other person left or didn't like us; was it a bad habit? looks related? they found someone better? If so, in what way?

But that's not going to happen because it's just not comfortable telling someone their flaws. It puts the dumper in a very awkward position. And really...only strong people could handle rejection and the logical reasons behind it. Other dumpees would go into denial and lash out.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 13
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 10:41:04 AM
Haha. Actually, I don't think it would be awesome to know why I was dumped.

I'd much prefer I didn't know why Gary dumped me. Because, let's face it, the thing or things Gary hated could be the very things the new guy loves, so, all this closure and feedback nonsense is overrated. Plus, at this stage of the game, it's not very likely that I'm going to change in fundamental ways, so how is it going to help me that I know what some Tom,**** or Harry didn't like about me.

When I was still dating I had enough-self awareness to know what I could objectively have done better. Everything else was just a matter of preference, so, knowing why would have been completely useless.
 Diligite_Cordis
Joined: 3/14/2016
Msg: 14
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 11:39:48 AM
All very fair feedback. I guess my problem was that it was out of the blue and who likes being blindsided?

I guess the other thing that got me was that she was one of the most interesting people I've seen when looking a profiles online. The thought of going back to "I like traveling" and "I like to go out but also snuggle on the sofa with a bottle of red" and the ever increasing list of things that disqualify me (age, height, son, lack of beard\tattoos etc.) just kinda depressed my mood somewhat.

Maybe I need not rush into the next thing and get off this roundabout for a bit....
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 15
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 12:06:48 PM

Maybe I need not rush into the next thing and get off this roundabout for a bit....


I would disagree. The more you dwell on this, the more it will pester your thoughts. If you simply move on, and start concentrating on your next the better off you will be.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 16
Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 2:14:26 PM
Most people know their flaws and work on them. Other things can't change.. no matter how hard we often lapse back.
People want to let the person down gently, I wouldn't like to hear the long list of what I did that was annoying ( as if I have ANY annoying habits lol)
Just move on, lots of other women to date
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 17
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 4:33:57 PM
I've been accused of drinking too much.

Silly girls.

I always cut my intake in half when hanging with a lady.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 18
Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 6:42:37 PM
Weird. I double mine when hanging with a man. Especially if he doesn't drink - it makes me nervous.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 19
Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 6:56:56 PM

Anyway, what are the truly dreadful reasons you've been dumped with?


Apparently, I ordered a pizza for one...........for two.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 20
Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/25/2016 10:40:37 PM
Wow, there are people who want to scrutinize the justifications for dumpage.

Suffice to say, they don't want you anymore.

I never gave gory details, just "this is not working" type of thing. I was given some ridiculous reasons(ridiculous because I could point fingers as well, but that seemed like adding insult to injury).

Shouldn't a person be kind at the end...unless they were psycho, then silence is the only way.
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 21
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/26/2016 4:22:09 AM
"It's not you; it's me..."

People often make the mistake of turning this around as "it's not me, it's you", when in fact the original statement still stands.

When someone says "it's not you; it's me...", they're hoping to let that person down gently. There might be an amount of empathy towards the other person but really, the overriding factor is that the dumper doesn't want to seem a complete sh1t by coming up with reasons that might appear shallow to the other person. That's human nature. Most people wouldn't want to harm their self-image in that way. So even if it was you, that's only as far as the dumper's perception is concerned. It needn't be everyone's. Once that's accepted, being dumped becomes more bearable.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/26/2016 10:38:07 AM
"It's not you; it's me..."

I would reply with "You're right. It is you."
 Hank7865
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 23
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/26/2016 1:21:29 PM
I was never outright dumped. I was more softly dumped.

In other words, they sized me up and decided I was good for FWB but nothing serious.

3 occasions.

1) Psychiatrist living on a sailboat couldn't tolerate my diet cokes and recliner lifestyle. It was a fast and furious 10 days with her. Intense. She marched me up a mountain to test my fitness. I almost died. 10 days later on the couch after many horizontal moments she apologized and said she didn't feel a connection, but maybe in the morning. Offered me the friend card. Yikes!

2) Competitive swing dancer. Apparently I was attractive enough to sleep with but she felt an athletic woman with a non-athletic man didn't make sense, while the reverse did. Her ex husband was a dancer and cheated on her. Her most recent ex bf was an in and out of work contractor. Apparently my stable employment history and willingness to commit weren't enough. I COULDN'T HOLD HER OVER MY HEAD ON THE DANCE FLOOR!

3) Being a renter. This one was the most scathing and hurtful.

I know, I know, I'm beating a dead horse, but this hit me pretty hard.

I can't speak for all men, but telling a man what he brings to the table ain't enough is pretty damn insulting.

So, being ok with my swearing, drinking, farting and bad jokes but telling me I'm not 'good enough' for long term is effed up.

Kinda like telling a gal she's good enough for fun but I could do better and find a skinnier chick for something serious.
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 24
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Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/26/2016 2:06:06 PM

Her final line "Call me when you have a million dollars". Funny part was, she wasn't a gold digger.


Yes she was a gold digger. Not all gold diggers have access to guys with millions. So a guy that provides a free meal, without her helping, participating or paying for some of the dates and expects you to pay all the time IS a gold digger.
 SimonF114
Joined: 6/26/2016
Msg: 25
Worst reasons you've given when dumped?
Posted: 8/26/2016 5:00:17 PM
I was dumped in a sort of similar fashion to the Original Poster. It was a girl I knew for 6 years (Met in the real world, outside of 'The Matrix'). She dumped me saying the good old faithful phrase of 'I just want to be friends...'., after she said that, it was just a couple of (nice) conversations on FB, and one or two texts. Never heard from or saw her again, despite my best efforts of keeping the friendship alive, she never replied back to me. I don't understand why as we were both very compatible for each other, I'd say, a 'perfect match' and I was never nasty towards her, not once, then that suddenly happened... I reckon her mother had something to do with it. She does everything what her mother tells her to do, and her mother didn't like me much.

Oh well, it only makes me more optimistic about finding someone better than her on this site!

Regards,

Simon
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