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 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 1
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered ListPage 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Hi folks, I am new here to the forums and wanted to throw my situation out here and get some unvarnished feedback from participants. My first thread. This forum came up on an internet search when I was doing some research on my situation, and to be honest, it's been a lot of fun for me to relate my own experiences at dating (a long time ago, when I used to have fun) and to read the myriad of problems others have in their own little dating worlds. And we all do have problems; they just individualized. I can forcefully and confidently dispense solutions or actions to help others here with their love life woes, yet I have woes of my own that seem intractable to me. Kind of a conundrum, but I suspect my own solution to my own problems may be similar to suggestions I've made to others here - and that's having the courage to take a chance, to make a huge change, to break out.

At any rate, I tend to get a bit wordy, so I hope I don't lose anybody here from boredom, but here goes.

Background: Mid 50's, WM, single all my life, currently in a 20+ year LTR that's turned as stale - sexually - as last year's pumpernickel. Not last week's, last year's. SO is 5 years older than me, and has an entirely different background than me. She was a teen mother, and consciencously lived the straight and narrow during her prime years, to raise her son. (Now grown). Conversely, my prime years were spent pretty much sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. Younger, I was better than average looking, tall, and chatty. So my sex/dating history was footloose til this LTR started. Pretty much a long line of short term GFs, FWBs, flings, etc. never turning down an opportunity with someone who attracted me - that would best describe my love life for the 20 years prior into entering the LTR. I never got that experimental with sex because when I felt the sexual attraction was waning with a particular GF, I just jumped into another bed. During this time I travelled a lot on business, which aided my lifestyle. There were droughts, of course, like any footloose unattached people are familiar with, but it was pretty exciting, looking back. The antithesis of what I have now.

Then I met my current LTR, who was a bit different from my other historical GFs - she was serious, kind of nerdy and didn't drink, do drugs, or smoke. I felt, at the time, that's what I needed to settle down, as I was in my mid 30s and knew I could not keep up the lifestyle I was leading. She was 5 years older, but she was smokin' hot. So that was that. We dated...I still ran around on her first year or so, but those days are looooooong gone, and I have been truly faithful for 20 years now.

Which leads to the crux of my problems. The first problem is I'm pretty bored. The first 10 years were good, but we now have a sexless relationship, which is the first problem. She's gained weight, I've stayed fit. Her activity mindset is of someone 10 years older, mine is 10 years younger. I am more sociable, she's more of a homebody. I'm easygoing and outgoing; she's high strung and more private. We both have had nagging health issues with chronic pain, plus I have spent the better part of the last 10 years launching and struggling with a new business. Both of those issues have robbed us of time and desire to have sex with each other. But that's not the main reason. The main reason is I'm just plain bored. She's given up on maintaining her looks...("I'm a old lady now!")...while I work hard on maintaining mine. Although I will partially blame the distractions and pain on the lack of sex, to me, it's more the fact that I'm no longer attracted to her physically, and I lack the desire to reclaim that flame, really.

Not to sound full of myself but I have no doubt that as long as I managed my expectations I could still find plenty of women who would be with me (maybe not here at POF, though), whether a relationship or fling. I am wiser, more interesting, experienced and more confident, which makes up for my aging and my corresponding loss of looks. But I still don't look too bad for my age. I have no problem chatting up women at the gym or the grocery store, although I will admit, being a bit rusty, it would take some practice to get back into the swing of things to turn these chats into something more. Earlier in this relationship I turned down opportunities in for flings, and I stayed faithful. Problem is, now that I'm ready to entertain such possibilities, those opportunities have dried up! Alas, such is life!!!

The net-net, is the spark is not only gone, but the spark plug is frozen into the cylinder head, with little hope of extracting it to consider steps to remedy the issues and reignite it.

So, I'm looking at 1.) Living sexless the rest of my life, when I still think I have plenty to offer, or 2.) Changing my lifestyle to introduce more opportunites to include flings/affairs. I really don't think reignition is a alternative. Neither is going our separate ways.

Alternative 2 leads to my second problem I referenced above. I've allowed my/our lifestyle and my behaviour/daily habits to sink into a really predictable pattern that is very open for my LTGF to observe. Thus any changes, even subtle, in my daily activities - to include a fling- will ignite suspicion. Basically I have painted myself into a corner as to keeping enough personal space/privacy within the relationship to conduct an affair. Once I really took a critical look at that aspect, I just did a headslap and got more depressed. Geez. What have I done.

Let me elaborate: She is a mild agoraphobe....she really doen't like to leave the house that much...she has no friends, family or outside interests, as she has pretty much let all other relationships die. I'm her only social outlet. If I'm out with friends, she's sitting at home, awaiting my return. Since she does not work outside the home, she handles all the bills, both household and for my business. And she is a bit paranoid, so her nature is to scour the bills, not for evidence of an affair, but to make sure vendors/suppliers are not ripping us off. Cell phone and CC bills. Nothing escapes her notice. I suggested that we get in the 21st century and create our own FB pages (Yeah, I'll admit, for me, it's in the hope old GFs will find me, lol)...but she is paranoid of privacy matters so she only wants me to create one for myself, and she have the PW...so she can just vicariously surf FB through my account....another dead end. I travel no more, thus I am at home every evening outside of errands, friend visits etc. We text throughout the day...not sexing or loving texts...but mundane things like the weather or what the goofy dog is doing. LOL. For now, I just don't see much room for me to try to have ANY type of affair without raising suspicion. I honestly have problems finding the privacy for solo performances, lol... *Head on desk* I'm even considering closing my business to take a job just to get back on the road, to create some distance. I know lifelong sales types who retired, no longer travelled, and were miserable for that reason - no more space and freedom...so it's a valid sentiment.

My last question to all here at POF is...sentiment varies as to whether this is a hookup site or not...my feeling is it generally isn't. But I'm here to participate in the forums and I would be lying if I did not say I'm also here as part of my multipronged (pun intended) efforts to lay some groundwork on finding a fling or FWB on the side. I can't post photos which I realize is a huge handicap for anyone here, especially for one looking for a hookup. With my schedule and lack of freedom, it's a long shot at best that I could find anyone who would be interested. However, never say never has always been my motto. But the question is does anyone have any tips for hookup success here?
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 2
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:19:08 AM
I read your profile before posting my comment. You list "single", but go on to admit your current LTR. Sort of misleading, but that's not my point.

My point - why can't you admit it's no longer working and separate? (Banging my head on my desk,)

No, I don't know your particular situation, but maybe you would be better off going to a hook up site instead? Or better yet, be honest and break your lady's heart and tell her she's no longer attractive and since you are a professed "7 or 8" you need someone better.

My opinion and I'm sticking to it.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 3
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:23:55 AM
Why don't you break up with her?
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 4
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:29:40 AM
I'm thinking the OP is hoping some lonely lady is going to read this and contact him. Of course he has no picture posted so that lonely lady must take his word that he is a hunk.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 5
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:41:26 AM

I read your profile before posting my comment. You list "single", but go on to admit your current LTR. Sort of misleading,


Mmmmmm...OK. Good input.


My point - why can't you admit it's no longer working and separate?


Because I'm like most in my situation. I want my cake and eat it, too. Really, I believe that with a little courage to pursue a little upheaval in my daily life to create some space and privacy, plus learning the ropes of using enabling communications technology, I believe it's possible to have both. There are plenty of LTR's that survive that way, I'd bet. Think we're naïve to think otherwise.


No, I don't know your particular situation, but maybe you would be better off going to a hook up site instead?


.....and those hookup sites would be........what? Keep in mind, I'm a babe in the woods with this internet dating thing...I don't know which hookup sites are reputable and which are scams.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 6
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:49:42 AM

I'm thinking the OP is hoping some lonely lady is going to read this and contact him. Of course he has no picture posted so that lonely lady must take his word that he is a hunk.


Yea, yea, yea....and that's why you read my profile, I trust? LOL just kidding.....OK, sure, so I'm aware of the disdain most women have with men pursuing hookups, especially from within a LTR... Fair enough. The target on my back now has been punctured. At least I am honest about it, though. As far as a "lonely lady" taking pity on me....that would be nice, but not the intent of my post, and not what I expect. Actually I enjoy writing about it because it helps me get things off my chest. I don't talk to neighbors or friends about things like this. It's just too private. However among anonymous strangers, it seems safe. I thought one of the reasons of this forum, actually. And it should be obvious why I am not posting a picture.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 7
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:53:25 AM

I don't know which hookup sites are reputable


Haha! Gotta love ya, man, just the way you are.

Let me tell you somepin: If I were in a relationship with someone who claimed it was momogamous and he had sex with someone else and contracted an STI and then passed it on to me, I would have him criminally charged. So use condoms. But do bear in mind that there are some things condoms won't do a great job of protecting against:

- HPV (incurable)
- Herpes (incurable)
- Crabs (itchy)
 kj521
Joined: 9/20/2015
Msg: 8
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:56:12 AM
"But the question is does anyone have any tips for hookup success here?"



Seems to me Mr. SS......you have already decided the.....What....you are going to do to get your sex life off the Endangered List.

You have justified the....Why.

So really....the only thing left to figure out is the....How.

Which one will it be? Deceit or honesty with your SO. Only you can decide what price you are willing to pay for sex. And there is always a price and like much in life....it is not usually the one you see.


That's all I got. Oh....except I hope it doesn't get to a....When.....situation. :/
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 9
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Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:56:51 AM

Oh, waaah. Don’t be such a chicken-sh!t, dude. Instead of looking to a bunch of strangers to validate your excuses and “boredom,” do the right thing and end it with her before starting another fling, or FWB, or whatever it is you want to “lay the groundwork” for.
I'm not looking for anybody to validate anything, Looking for constructive criticism, too. Which you have provided, so thanks.


Otherwise you’re just another shoddy creep.


I don't know if I would go that far, though. Different strokes for different folks. So everyone that pursues affairs, including women, are "shoddy creeps?" I think you're being a bit judgemental. There must be 10's of millions of "shoddy creeps" out there then.


Does she know you’ve started a POF profile?
Of course not.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 10
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 10:59:38 AM
You described a lot of the differences/incompatibilities between the two of you, yet you stayed for the sex.

You were never really compatible friends to begin with, and now that the sex is gone, you have a boring partner.

Sounds like a younger man's game.

Cheating in a marriage isn't any worse then cheating on a girlfriend.

Break up with her and stop wasting her time.
 Heffelump
Joined: 8/27/2016
Msg: 11
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:02:05 AM
Ah, but the marriage is sexless.

I know you're just trying to help, but he needs to find a place where he can find loose women looking for a little nook on the side. Don't know about where you live, but traditionally Church bingo parlors are hot beds of illicit sex. Under the O, oh, oh, oh, YES, YES, YES!

Edit: Thought I was responding to Baby's post, but this thread is attracting a lot of attention.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 12
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:07:38 AM

At least I am honest about it, though


No you're not. If you were actually "honest" you and your LT girlfriend would be working on something, and/or going your separate ways.

Not only are you a liar, you are actually lying to yourself too.

Get that shiat figured out before trying to invite another into your life.

There.

Easy, peasy.
 ThatGirlNamedAlli
Joined: 12/28/2013
Msg: 13
Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:07:51 AM
Why do you feel obligated to stay together at all? People grow apart, it happens, you aren't a criminal. I don't believe in this one all being "sole mate".
And some therapists,including a local one in vancouver I have on my twitter and who I hear on the radio for instance, will sing the praises of how important sex is to a healthy relationship.
I don't think affairs and cheating is the answer, that's not going to give you sustained happiness. I'd just ask why feel obligated to stay? guilt? get over that.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 14
Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:12:59 AM

Ah, but the marriage is sexless.


How many times do we have to go over this? Oh, and let me guess, your wife doesn't understand you?
 Heffelump
Joined: 8/27/2016
Msg: 15
Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:16:37 AM
Hell, I don't understand me.

I think only my pretend online girlfriend really gets me. And i think she might really be a trucker in New Jersey.
 kj521
Joined: 9/20/2015
Msg: 16
Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:18:55 AM
"Oh, and let me guess, your wife doesn't understand you?"



Nah, Ms. Baby. It's because.....She Let Herself Go.

So OP.....let her go....set her free...so she can do this:


https://youtu.be/kqcY3xcQDKc ;)
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 17
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Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:24:10 AM
It's not even your wife. It's your girlfriend. All you have to do is walk out the door. You don't have one nice word to say about her. Do her a favor and leave!

5,000 words about what a great, in shape, wonderful guy you are and what a disgusting, slug of an issue-ridden brick around your neck she is. Of course you have to cheat on her. You should just explain it to her like this, and I'm sure she'd understand no problem. She'd probably find you a hot-little 25-year-old, wrap a bow around it, serve it on a silver, platter, and sing a happy song, while it jumps out of a cake for you.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 18
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:25:32 AM

I know you're just trying to help, but he needs to find a place where he can find loose women looking for a little nook on the side. Don't know about where you live, but traditionally Church bingo parlors are hot beds of illicit sex. Under the O, oh, oh, oh, YES, YES, YES!


Thanks, I didn't know that "shoddy creeps" hung out in Church Bingo Parlours. Valuable information!
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 19
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:29:41 AM

so that lonely lady must take his word that he is a hunk.


Ummm....no. I never said hunk. In my mid 50's, the "SS Hunk" ship has sailed....puhleeze. Glad I am providing a source for your amusement today.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 20
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Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:34:37 AM

You don't have one nice word to say about her.


Good point.. She has many good qualities that I did not write about. Maybe I should follow up with a post of how great she is, and my bad points. Hmmmm....good point. May help me work this out in my mind.


5,000 words about what a great, in shape, wonderful guy you are and what a disgusting, slug of an issue-ridden brick around your neck she is.


Was that 5K words?! Geez. Again, you make a good point as above.


She'd probably find you a hot-little 25-year-old, wrap a bow around it, serve it on a silver, platter, and sing a happy song, while it jumps out of a cake for you.


But she'd have to pay for that, and everyone knows it's no fun when you have to pay for it.
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 21
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:39:47 AM
Op, I always look at a poster's profile before commenting. It gives me a little bit of an idea of the poster's on-line personality.

Here's a funny story (well, now it's funny) about "them thar" hook up sites:

When I was ready to date again after the break up of an 18 year relationship (his decision, not mine) I found someone on a paid site. It got sort of serious right away and 4 months into the new relationship he was at my house one weekend. He asked if he could use my computer upstairs for "business". Well, yes of course. He was up there a really long time.

So after he left I started thinking about the computer time, and knowing about that little option called "history" I checked. And guess what! Yep, you guessed it. He was in the middle of setting up his profile on a sex site (won't tell you which one - you do your homework if you go that route). Well, I am sure you can guess the outcome. He got booted. So if your girlfriend checks your digital device you are going to be in some trouble.

How about just coming clean? Nothing is worth languishing in a relationship that does not make you happy.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 22
Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:41:00 AM

It's because.....She Let Herself Go.


SHE let herself go? Have you even LOOKED at his picture? It looks like he hasn't showered in days.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 23
Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:41:49 AM
Ha! Seriously doubt she'd have to pay for it.
Sexless marriage? well I say that fault is half on you, maybe you just bored her in bed to the point she would rather dust
I agree, hoping to score here.. betting OP scared AF to actually go out on his own.I think best advice I can give you OP is show her this thread
Problem solved
Not judging, I find this thread beyond icky
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 24
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:45:26 AM
And....this is soooooo much more interesting than the "Natalie Sagas".
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 25
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 11:52:52 AM
Op I like your honesty. A sexless loveless relationship for BOTH of you. Not good. I know many men have affairs and manage it, actually ill extend that to a lot of women do as well.

This is a bit of a one sided view as your so also has her own story. But my feeling is if you engage in a little extra fun you have basically trapped her to remain in a sexless loveless relationship.

So, she gave you the stability you needed to grow and build a business of which her input sounds as equally important as yours but your going to take the best bits from her and trap her in this stale relationship.

Op do the right thing for both of you. Tell her , allow her to either engage in extra fun outside the relationship or end it. If you split, Split your business fairly maybe even keep it as a shared interest and cut loose. You already know you will be fine, support her to pick up her life for the way she wants, she at least deserves that along with love and intimacy. Everyone does, you included.
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