Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Help appreciated      Home login  
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 1
Help appreciatedPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I hope I placed this in the correct catagory, if not appologies to admin.

I have met and had a few (happy) days out with a lady on here, we both seem to have a lot in common and are at the moment in the "getting to know each other better" stage in our relationship.
After a visit to her doctor she was sent to the hospital to be seen by a specialist who has diagnosed that she has breast cancer, she will be going in next week to have a masectomy, then chemotherapy in later appointments.

I obviously want to stand by her and help her as much as possible through her ilness, but she seems to be cutting me off, does not want me to visit her and generally pushing me away.
I know that her emotions will be all over the place, she must be feeling absolutely terrified.
Maybe she thinks that losing a breast will make her unnatractive to men, I don't know.
But I would like to at least let her know that I want to stick by her whatever happens.
Yes we are in the early stages of our relationship, no we have not had sex with each other, we are just enjoying each others company and taking things at a steady pace.
I don't want to push myself on her by visiting in hospital etc if this is not her wishes, but my inner feelings tell me to visit regardless.
So any constructive help will be appreciated.
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 2
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 5:45:16 AM
You are a good man :)
I'm sure she is terrified.. fine line for you to walk to not have her shut down ( and I'm sure she just doesn't wish to be a burden, especially since the relationship so new.
Instead of pushing the " I'll stand by you" let her know you are there for her, to talk, etc and take her out for a lovely meal, let her lead the convo.
btw, never visit someone in hospital who says not to
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 3
view profile
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 6:17:47 AM
I think you should follow her lead.

Let her absorb the news and work through her feelings. Then be there when she feels like joining the human race again.

And, no definitely don't visit her in the hospital if she said not to.

It's one thing to send her some flowers and a nice card to let her know that you're thinking about her, but coming to visit when she said not to is pushy and crossing a boundary.

It sounds like you're a great guy, and maybe she's going to come around when things settle down for her, but you have to realize that she has bigger things to worry about than a guy she just started dating (sorry, that sounds harsh, but that's what it probably feels like from her perspective).

I think if you can be a friend now, good things may happen later, but definitely let her set the pace.
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 4
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 6:37:05 AM
This is a subject that I am well too familiar with. I even wrote a story about it.

Cancer is a strange animal that brings people together and also tears them apart. Like the other ones have said, follow her lead, since this is her bus, not yours.

Be very careful because this creates areas of emotional vulnerability for you as well as her, while she will be dealing with very conflicting feelings of loathing life and other people, to feeling an intense need to connect with other people.

Realize that the road is long and very painful. Interestingly enough, what stroke me was that many women were more shaken, and feeling that they lost their femininity not so much by losing their breast, but by losing their hair.

What you may want to do is arm yourself with information so you understand what and where she is. But do not become her encyclopaedia, just a friend to hold hands while going through chemo with the ice-cubes in her mouth and the red-devil being pumped into her subcutaneous portal.

Talk to this woman about what she may want. A friend? A closer friend? So you can decide to stick to her or date other people. This may sound cruel, but are things that will have to be determined.
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 5
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 6:55:13 AM
How long have you two been dating?
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 6
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 6:57:34 AM
You will be taking on a burden, some research on the internet can help. You'd hate to say/do the wrong thing. Not that you're going to become a caretaker, you just seem like the type who'd rather do all this the right way. Then, simply let her know you'll be there for her, but its up to her and you won't be offended whatever her choice. After that, as the others have said, let her "control" things, since cancer has stolen her control over other aspects of her life. She's just been handed a devastating loss, she's going to have to process it. She might prefer friends she's known for a longer time.

Still, good for you for not running away screaming.
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 7
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 7:25:15 AM

but you have to realize that she has bigger things to worry about than a guy she just started dating (sorry, that sounds harsh, but that's what it probably feels like from her perspective).

^^^^This here...
Worrying about a new relationship and all that goes with the last thing she is worrying about.
Respect her wishes !
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 8
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 7:37:24 AM
Thanks so far for your input.
Let me try to explain about our relationship, We have only been on 5 dates, We are completely relaxed whilst we are together and chat away as if we have been together for years, She is interested in crafts and arts to which I know nothing about, so we visited some craft centres and I enjoyed the day out, I have been a radio control model maker since I was a kid, we both visited my local flight club and again we both enjoyed our day.
Our relationship so far has been very easy going, we are just enjoying each others company without pushing any limits.

At the moment if she wants to stay as a good friend then this is fine by me, I won't be looking for another date without knowing where we might be going in the future, the last thing she will want to hear at the moment that I want to finish just because she is going through a bad spell (I wouldn't go their anyway, not an option)

A couple of dates ago we both said that we wanted to See Jersey Boys that is in a West End theatre in London and that we will arrange it before it closes next month, I have managed to get 2 tickets for Friday night, have a meal afterwards.
I texted her to let her know and she seemed excited by the evening out.
This will just be a good entertaining night out, I don't want to spoil it with talks of the impending operation, if she wants to open the subject then fair enough.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
view profile
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 9:05:09 AM
Just follow her lead. She may change her mind 5 times between now and her surgery. I would send a card and flowers to her at the hospital, but do not visit unless she tells you it is ok. This is a time she may only want her family or close friends near.
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 10
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 1:37:59 PM
Good to have the evening out with her.

I would make sure she knows that you're there for her...
Joined: 10/3/2015
Msg: 11
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 2:00:16 PM
You've gotten good advice above.

The only thing that comes to mind, in addition to what has already been said is, call her every now and then while she is in the hospital. That way, you are there while not physically being there. If you can, try to make her laugh... that would be a nice break for her... ask her if she'd rather have you send her a "get well" card or a prime rib (or a bouquet of broccoli if she is vegetarian) ? ... fun, pleasant conversation that takes her mind off of the situation would probably do her a lot of good.

Given that you've only gone out on 5 dates that may be the extent to which you can show her you are there without crossing potentially sensitive boundaries.
Joined: 7/25/2016
Msg: 12
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/14/2016 7:16:57 PM

she has breast cancer, she will be going in next week to have a masectomy, then chemotherapy

Are you sure any of this is true? Youve only been out a few times. It could be a scam to get $$$ out of you for these 'medical treatments'.
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 13
view profile
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/15/2016 1:56:31 AM
@cindi_rella: Here in Canada and the United Kingdom (where this gentleman is from) we have a thing called universal publicly-funded health care. So we can't use that as a reason to scam people. Americans, take a cue.
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 14
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/15/2016 2:37:17 AM
Sorry to dissappoint you, I'm not scamming anyone, where have I asked for money? or even mentioned it, I live in Slough Berkshire, this is my second time here on POF, I gave up the first time due to lost interest, my name then was Shewbert, couldnt sign in with old name hence the new Shewymacfee (A chef character in an old uk tv soap, Crossroads)
There are no medical fees here in the UK we have national insurance which covers any treatment
Joined: 11/15/2014
Msg: 15
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/15/2016 3:34:37 AM
Nah, Shewy, Cindi_rella was wondering if your lady friend was trying to scam you.
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 16
view profile
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/15/2016 3:41:31 AM
Absolutely do NOT visit her in hospital if she has requested that you stay away. 5 dates isn't enough to base a close relationship on. Send a get well soon card if you must. That will show her that you're thinking of her. However, at the moment, she's at a very personal position. Let her deal with it in her own way.
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 17
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/15/2016 4:22:10 AM
No she is definitely not a scammer, I have visited her lovely home, she has visited my home, I have met her daughter and son in law grand daughter etc.
As I said earlier we do not pay for medical treatment here in the UK, If you are over a certain age, unemployed or still in full time education all prescriptions and medications are free of charge so medical scams from the UK wouldn't make sence.
On our 4th date we took a drive in the countryside, found a quaint English Pub to have lunch, she insisted in paying for the meal.
She texted me last night saying how she is looking forward to the theatre night out on Friday, and I've texted her this morning, just general every day chat on how the day is going etc
I'll post back to say how we get on tomorrow night at the theatre etc
Thanks a lot for your input, all of your replies are being taken on board.
Joined: 9/20/2015
Msg: 18
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/15/2016 4:43:41 AM
Awe! Mr. Shewy! You're story warms my heart and gives me hope.

Sending best wishes for a most memorable evening at the theatre.....where the possibilities for love are endless! :)

Please keep us updated. Your Nicolas Sparks love story is my most favorite kind. :D
Joined: 11/19/2013
Msg: 19
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/15/2016 7:09:47 PM
"I know that this horrible news came just as we began to know each other. I appreciate that you must be experiencing a myriad of very deep emotions that you are still processing. Perhaps you feel they are too private to share. Perhaps you want to make your family your sole focus, which I can completely understand. Or just maybe, you feel that because we are so new to each other that you don't wish to share this burden with me out of worry what it could do to our potential. I want to respect whatever path you choose. But as I commit to doing so, I also want to put it out there so that you know: I am willing to face whatever comes, the surgeries, the not seeing you at your best, the feeling sick, the vulnerability or grief, I am able to appreciate the depth of this and what it means, but I am also certain: that whatever comes I am here to stay if that is what you want. I just need you to know that, so that you can make an informed choice about what you wish to do."

I'd probably say something along those lines...
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 20
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/17/2016 10:26:51 AM
Well yesterday we had a full day out in London, nasty weather but found plenty of things to do, had some lunch and loads of shopping.
As yet just enjoying the day and no mention of her hospital appointment etc.
We stashed all the shopping in the car and headed off to the theatre and both of us really enjoyed the show, the restaurant was only a short walk away so settled into the meal, I mentioned the appointment, just asking if she had everything packed that she needed, which the reply was not quite, but will be by Tuesday (the op is Wed lunchtime).
She opened up a little and told me that this is her second scare, but the first time 11years ago. it ended up being fatty tissue, with no operations.
She opened up a bit to tell me there are 3 lumps, tested as cancer, and there is a possibility of a masectomy,, depending on what they find during the operation, I kept fairly quiet, subject changed for a while on to families, the day out etc.
Anyway meal was typical London overpriced food but it was very nice.
We headed home, I went in her house for a last coffee of the evening before my drive home.
I was just ready to leave when she said,, thankyou for the day and thanks for letting me fight this in my own way.
We had a hug and as I went out to the car I said that Ive got a big pair of boxing gloves if you ever need them, then headed home.
Had a text this morning thanking me for the lovely day out.
So at least, at the moment it seems that she still wants to see me, she knows that I am on the other end of a phone if she wants a chat.
I am away on business Sun and Mon, arriving back home Tue morning (which she already knows about) so I will arrange some flowers, card etc and will obviously chat and text as usual.
I'm going to let her take things at her own pace and respect her wishes, as She knows I'm only a call away and will answer 24/7 if she wants a chat.
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 21
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/18/2016 4:58:46 PM
Bando77 Thanks a lot for your input, thankfully at the moment she is not really pushing me away, but there is a definite (to be expected) change of character.
I think that I have been lucky in my life as I am perfectly healthy (I don't even know my doctors name in my local surgery) I do not know anyone that has been affected by cancer, so I am in a very grey area, I have had a look on Google but receive so many conflicting sites that I gave up on that idea.
But a lot of them do say that the patient can and often do have mood swings, they can even be quite nasty to loved ones.

So at the moment I am just sitting on the back burner and letting her take the lead, all I can really do is just let her sort her head out the way she wants it to be and let her know that, even though I am not their with her I have not abandoned her.
Like today, she will get her texts and calls as usual, Her daughter and son in law are willing to deliver my flowers etc to her whilst she is in hospital, and if she does not want to say, they have promised to keep me truthfully informed on how things are going.

And WhereforeAndWhyNot Sorry mate I'm a Woosey, dont like closets, too dark for me (:-0
If anyone said boo to a goose, I would be the first one running away, If I used an axe it would be me in hospital not the victim :-D
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 22
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/18/2016 6:10:18 PM
Shewy, it seems, so far, you have been makin' all the right moves. Good for you.
Many years ago, when I was told I may have 6 months to live, immediately following an unexpected Hysterectomy, due to Ovarian Cancer, my then husband and family and friends, "coped" with my news, by movin' away from me. They became distant. They made it clear they did not want to listen to me. I "coped" alone.

As others have suggested, let her lead, be "with her" a phone call away and flowers will be very nice. IF she appears to make an "about face", don't push. Just be patient. No way to predict how she is going to think/act/feel, in the coming weeks.
Best wishes for the future!
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 23
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/19/2016 5:45:31 AM
Oh Lady :( {}
Shewy - It is overwhelming when the Doctors are tossing out terms, medication can play havoc, etc. Dr. Google can scare the bejesus outta Satan
My idea.. here we have a central Cancer Agency, you must there too. You could call and ask to speak so someone, the staff are always wonderful in my experience. Get the info from the source as it were.
Glad she has you in her corner.
You keep us posted, k?
Joined: 11/23/2014
Msg: 24
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/19/2016 8:44:56 PM
I understand that you want to do what you feel is "right" for you.

On the other hand she is the one that decides what is right for herself. She just met you. This situation is very personal and she will probably want close family and people she has known for years to give her the support she needs. You are not it.

Live with the reality. You are not it. Let it go!
Joined: 4/2/2016
Msg: 25
Help appreciated
Posted: 9/20/2016 2:47:53 PM
I have been out of town on a business meeting and arrived back around 5ish this evening, I texted her as promised to say that I have travelled back safely, She said that she is just ordering pizzas for herself, daughter and family and do I want to call round and join them which I did.
She has to go into hospital tomorrow, so I obviously want to see her before then, plus I had some duty free perfume for her, so can give her this as well.

We all had our Pizza, the family were talking about arrangements for tomorrow, I just sat quietly, unless spoken to, when her son-in-law said to me "what time will you be at the hospital? do you need a lift?

She (Sheila, I cant keep calling her she) Shiela said that I am in the middle of applying for new contracts and that I have to concentrate on the business at the moment.
I told her that I am not 24hrs at work I can always find time to visit.
So as it stands at the moment, her family will take Shiela to hospital, and I will visit in the afternoon and evening vsiting times, I'll obviously as arranged txt Shiela's daughter during the day.

sticchic you said "I understand that you want to do what you feel is "right" for you."
I know that we have not known Shiela that long, no we are not in love,,,, yes we have a really good relationship so far, this relationship feels "right" for me.

All of her friends and people who have known her for years will still be visiting and giving her their support as well as mines if needed.
Anyway this is the latest upgrade, and thanks a lot for all of your comments so far.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Help appreciated