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 BGary335
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 1
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Advice/Opinions NeededPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've been dating a woman I met here on POF for a couple weeks now, and she told me tonight that she isn't physically attracted to me yet, but really loves spending time with me and wants to spend more time with me to see if the feelings grow. She went on to say things take time to develop and grow, and that she's only just getting to know me and wants to keep getting to know me. I suppose the truth is that we're BOTH still getting to know each other after only 2 dates in 2 weeks. It really is still early in the progression of things. I enjoy spending time with her too, and definitely want to continue seeing her. Only difference is I AM physically attracted to her. I guess what I want to know is, is it really possible for attraction to develop if it isn't there to start with? Is it worthwhile to continue seeing this woman in hopes that attraction might eventually develop? I mean, I'm feeling inclined to believe what she's saying, but I sometimes see things how I WANT to see them rather than how I should when it comes to relationships, so I thought I'd ask for some outside opinions.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 2
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Posted: 9/20/2016 9:12:03 PM
It does for me, I'm rarely physically attracted to someone before I get to know them. Just because someone is good looking doesn't mean anything (yes I know it does for many) a person becomes good looking if I like them. What you are describing is called dating to me, that's why you date someone that you have interest in getting to know.

But, I would never say those things to someone, I would just let nature take it's course, and of course only date someone who already knew that's how things go when first dating. All that instant chemistry and giving people extra points for looks that came with their DNA aren't interesting to me.
 Blue_Highway
Joined: 5/11/2016
Msg: 3
Advice/Opinions Needed
Posted: 9/20/2016 9:33:05 PM
Attraction can grow and as well can be lost, yet how long are you willing to wait, and what if it never comes. Usually that saying is reserved for a co-worker, someone you see on the reg, but never gave it a thought, or social circles. For outsiders attraction is either there or not. In her case not. By date 2 she should at least want to be kissed by you. Not physically attracted = no relationship, period. From reading this, she just gave you an elaborate "lets just be friends" speech. For now, take it as that. My advice is to just be friends and look for someone who will love you in total.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 4
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Posted: 9/20/2016 9:34:00 PM

Is it worthwhile to continue seeing this woman in hopes that attraction might eventually develop? I mean, I'm feeling inclined to believe what she's saying, but I sometimes see things how I WANT to see them rather than how I should when it comes to relationships, so I thought I'd ask for some outside opinions.


Yes, you should continue spending time with her. You don't have to stop talking to other women until you commit to her though. If you're not in a relationship, you don't have to go all in for her. Try not to obsess over her too much. She said she's not physically attracted yet, not that she will never be. You'll have to use your sensibilities to determine if she has feelings for you strong enough to make a relationship worth your time or not. If she keeps making excuses and wants to be friends, just walk away instead of being an orbiter.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 5
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Posted: 9/20/2016 9:34:25 PM
Dunno what she's feeling, just put a chain on your wallet and work a budget for dating that you will adhere to. Don't expect increased dating to translate into romance or attraction. Sometimes a woman will hang out with an also-ran to keep her skills sharp while waiting for Mr. Right.
You'll know when she finds THAT guy because she will disappear without notice.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 6
Advice/Opinions Needed
Posted: 9/20/2016 9:56:20 PM

that she isn't physically attracted to me yet.


Its interesting why she would say this on the 2nd date, unless the proposition of sex was made.
many women need to be emotionally connected to someone in order to enjoy the sex
Most men don't need to be emotionally connected at all.

For this woman, the inner attraction is what is important in her decision to put out.
And that usually takes a bit of time to develop, as she gets to know you.
She can only know how much time is enough, but with just 2 dates in 2 weeks don't expect anything too soon.

You'd be wise to avoid bring up the topic of sex with her, as most women don't like being pressured like that.
when the moment comes, she'll know it and so will you. You just gotta be patient, so if you really wanna get laid that bad, then she may not be the one for you.
 KiaMaia
Joined: 8/13/2016
Msg: 7
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Posted: 9/20/2016 10:33:12 PM
She may just not be comfortable being intimate with you yet and that's how she chose to express it. If you enjoy spending time with her otherwise, continue to do so and see how things go. I'm sure she'll appreciate you taking her feelings into consideration. Just keep communication open so that you know where you stand and can exit stage left before you're taken advantage of for being an available nice guy.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 8
Advice/Opinions Needed
Posted: 9/21/2016 1:22:06 AM
To me, confidence is a man not caring when it happens. They are not anxiously trying to get to a physical benchmark. They enjoy just knowing you and letting both grow in awareness of the other and the potential there.

Attraction is beyond looks-it's humor, sensitivity, well thought out opinions, seeing the patient, kind secure part of a person. Pushing says insecurity.."must score" or die. (I have seen this, it's just really unmanly).

Ok, for argument's sake, she may decide you aren't that great and walk. Is this going to shake your world? To me, it says that is the truth there, and it ran its course.

It's not about going through sex motions to call it success. That's hollow, the feelings must be there.

As for the she's using you for dinners etc., you should know if she's like that before asking her on date 1, the level of sincerity she has as a person.

If you want a "sure thing" to date, it's unattractive. We seem to have many with that "gimme a reward for showing up", and it's transactional and joyless, reactive, mechanical thinking and behavior.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 9
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Posted: 9/21/2016 2:30:12 AM

...she told me tonight that she isn't physically attracted to me yet


If I went on 1 or 2 dates with someone and she mentioned what she told you, I would tell her "Good luck with your search for Mr. Good Looking" and that would the end of that-no further contact. Are you hoping she'll snap out of it, and suddenly say "I changed my mind. You are now physically attractive." What do you think she would do or say if you told her "I don't find you physically attractive yet"? Do you think she would say "I'll give you time to find me attractive"? Chances are you would never see her again. You sound very desperate-which is very unattractive.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 10
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Posted: 9/21/2016 5:15:08 AM
I'd be interested about the context in which this came up.

I looked at your profile, OP, and I find it hard to believe that you made a massive pass at her and she had to fend you off and that's why she said this.

Based on what you said about how you tend to fall hard, I would be careful with this one, and definitely not put all my eggs in this particular basket, but I don't see anything wrong with continuing to see her while also dating other women.

And I also agree with the point several people made that the fact that she told you doesn't bode well.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 11
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Posted: 9/21/2016 5:23:34 AM
I need the context..
but while yes indeed attraction can develop over time the fact she TOLD you means I doubt you'll get out of the friend zone.
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 12
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Posted: 9/21/2016 5:31:22 AM
As 'shallow' as some might see my opinion,
Without ANY physical attraction, I won't waste
yours or my time.

The comment about "most" women needing an emotional
attraction and men not needing any to have sex made me laugh!

Gross over-generalization.

"Most" women wait to have sex so they aren't deemed "easy"
and dumped as being "not relationship material"
and "most" men don't care if they are considered "slutty"
if you ask me. The same stigma is just not attached to mens
sexuality.

It's all about conditioning and double standards that rule
womens and mens conscious and subconscious minds.

In all honesty if it wasn't deemed with derogatory perception
I could have sex with any man I was sexually attracted to
Within minutes of meeting him.

Ooooohhh such a slut I am! Lol

Attraction is key for both sexes.
Trust, respect and care come in close succession
I'm only be speaking for myself and some women.

Being that attraction tends to fade with time more than grow
it seems pointless to start off on the "total lack of attraction" footing.

Your call op.

But she's basically saying, be prepared to be most likely be friend zoned
if the attraction doesn't "grow over time".

She's giving herself an "out" for one reason or another.

Unless you're desperate and can't find ANYONE who's actually attracted to you
why waste your time?
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 13
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Posted: 9/21/2016 5:35:25 AM

she told me tonight that she isn't physically attracted to me yet,


If someone I was interested in told me they were not physically attracted to me (almost worse is adding the 'yet' as if more thought on the matter or work on my part was necessary), I'd assume they never would be.

The End~
 BGary335
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 14
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Posted: 9/21/2016 6:00:50 AM
So, let me tell you all the context of how this came up. Maybe that changes something, I don't know. The night before each of our dates she has sent me texts saying she's feeling frisky, wants to kiss me on our date, and so forth. Nothing about sex though. But then on the dates she acts the polar opposite. Distant, in a physical sense. Doesn't get too close, doesn't act like she wants to be kissed, and therefore I haven't given her a hug, kiss, anything. So I asked her last night out of curiosity what was the deal with the texts and then acting so differently in person? I knew something was wrong. Seemed like a fair question to me. Then that's when she said she wasn't physically attracted to me yet.

She is abstaining from sex until marriage because of her religion. No, I made no pass at her, no I did not ask for anything physical. Sex is off the table and I know that and told her I respected that decision.

So I'm needy according to one person? Seems like a bit of a snap judgement. Your call though. If it doesn't work out with this girl, I move on simple as that. It won't bother me. In fcat, both of us are still actively talking to other people. So I have options, and so does she.
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 15
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Posted: 9/21/2016 6:16:07 AM
I didn't say "needy" I said desperate with limited options.

Had you stated her reasons( no sex before marriage) upfront
that would have changed the advice.

At least mine.

Now I say....are you willing to wait until you might marry her to be intimate in any way?

I find religious people to be way too "morally correct" to bother with.

But that's me.
 BGary335
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 16
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Posted: 9/21/2016 6:22:02 AM
Sorry hearton, my needy comment was actually directed at someone else, not you.

I am willing to wait. We discussed this, and I told her that I respected her decision to wait. I find her "Moral correctness" to be a refreshing change actually. After dating so many women who seem to have no morals at all.
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 17
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Posted: 9/21/2016 6:32:50 AM
Oh well I figured my statement came off as insulting to you.

But being that you seem to appreciate her "moral compass"
(as though sexually assertive/aware women don't possess one)
we will have to agree to disagree on that one.

So wait.

You answered your own question.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 18
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Posted: 9/21/2016 7:09:22 AM

I guess what I want to know is, is it really possible for attraction to develop if it isn't there to start with? Is it worthwhile to continue seeing this woman in hopes that attraction might eventually develop?


- It's very unlikely. Usually in relationships, the people had a spark or some attraction toward each other right away. She will likely get bored with you or meet someone else. You face a big risk of rejection. That's fine if you are gambling man, but gamblers usually loose.

Multidating is a good idea if you continue to see her. But you are probably wasting your money.

The good news is, you are doing some things right if she thinks enough of you to be your friend. Unfortunately, friends usually stay just friends.

Find a woman who likes you first and a lot and you'll do much better in dating.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 7/1/2016
Msg: 19
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Posted: 9/21/2016 7:40:11 AM
There is a difference between not being physically attracted to someone and not wanting
to have sex right away.

The fact she told you she wasn't physically attracted to you definitely bodes ill, IMO. I would
NEVER say that to someone I liked and expected to continue dating in hopes of a relationship.
Saying she feels frisky and wanting to kiss and then acting the opposite when seeing you, suggests
she wants to do these things, but just isn't feeling it. I don't see how something like that would
grow. But that's just me.

I think she's telling you this up front so you'll not be disappointed later when she suggests you just
be friends. I think you're setting yourself up for a fail if you continue to hope for more from this
woman.

Been there done that. You really WANT to feel something for someone who is nice to you...who
is in fact nice in every way, but you just can't get the romantic feelings churning. It sucks to be on
either side of that scenario.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
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Posted: 9/21/2016 7:55:39 AM
Is she physically attracted to the money you spend on her on dates? I think you've been friend zoned from the beginning, but she doesn't want the freebies to come to an end by giving a "let's just be friends" speech.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 21
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Posted: 9/21/2016 8:42:34 AM
Okay ... sounds like YOU are the one with the twisted moral compass. You slam women who are loose, but here you come to whine about a woman who won't put out. You claim you're okay about waiting until marriage for sex, but you gripe about the uncertainty of having it just out of your reach.

If you don't want sex until marriage, it shouldn't matter at all how long it takes her to kiss you. 3 dates or 300 dates, you've made the decision to WAIT, so any complaints about WILL SHE/WON'T SHE are out of line. It shouldn't matter to you at all.

Re: OPTIONS - You have none! Messaging women on a dating site is not an "option" for dating, just as walking through a car lot is not an "option" for buying. If you can't close the deal - you don't have an option. It only becomes an option when you meet IN PERSON and she admits that she would like to meet you again. ONLY THEN do you have an option to continue to go somewhere else.

If you had another option right now, would you give this "tease-bait, religious abstainer" the time of day? I think not.
 BGary335
Joined: 6/23/2011
Msg: 22
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Posted: 9/21/2016 9:31:12 AM
I think you have the wrong idea. I'm not griping about sex at all. And I certainly haven't slammed anyone or anything. Maybe your misinterpreting something I said? Take a deep breath and relax. Couldn't care less about sex. Not sure where you even came up with that. Basic physical affection is not sex. The two do not go hand in hand. A kiss on the cheek, or a hug after a date is not sex. It's what people have been doing on dates since Adam and Eve. And I wasn't really griping about that either, honestly. I asked a simple question about something she said.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 23
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Posted: 9/21/2016 9:56:40 AM
Sending you the texts she does and then wanting nothing to do with touching you when you're together claiming that she's not attracted to you either makes her an immature head case or somebody who is manipulating you for more dates for whatever goodies you're handing out during them.

I have no idea why you'd want anything to do with her under these circumstances.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 24
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Posted: 9/21/2016 10:09:15 AM
Women don't go out with someone they are NOT physically attracted to - at least, so long as they have a choice in the matter.

Saying they aren't attracted as much as you are is more than likely a calculated lie to back off sex pressure, or at least what they perceive as pressure. Their reasons can be anything - religion is an easy excuse - fear of commitment is a lot harder to get as an admission. People grow in and out of 'attraction' - but generally it's not based on physical impulses so much as mental attitude at the time.

I'd be more concerned with the contrast in character between real life dates and online flirting. If they truly get sleazy with text comments, messages, or even phone calls -- but won't so much as snuggle close in a crowded room, they are behaving that way because of OUTSIDE factors; fear that someone there will recognize them - fear that church members are nearby, or ex boyfriends, or judgmental relatives - take your pick. Stuff like that should be something easily recognizable and deliberate - so if you question it, they SHOULD give you a straight and honest answer. If they don't, or deny outright that their behavior is any different, then you have something to be seriously concerned about. Either they are trying to be manipulative (such as married and cheating), or lack the behavioral skills to recognize contradictory behavior (like a dis-associative disorder).

What people do - their actions - is their true judge of character. What people say - their words - don't have to follow the same path. Look for consistency above all else, because that is where honesty and trust is based.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 25
Advice/Opinions Needed
Posted: 9/21/2016 4:32:08 PM

So, let me tell you all the context of how this came up. Maybe that changes something, I don't know.


This kinda serves as a reminder (for me) as to why I should refrain from posting on these types of threads in a vain effort to try to help someone who leaves out relevant information that impacts on the kinda feed back he stands to get.


The night before each of our dates she has sent me texts saying she's feeling frisky, wants to kiss me on our date, and so forth. Nothing about sex though. But then on the dates she acts the polar opposite. Distant, in a physical sense. Doesn't get too close, doesn't act like she wants to be kissed, and therefore I haven't given her a hug, kiss, anything. So I asked her last night out of curiosity what was the deal with the texts and then acting so differently in person? I knew something was wrong. Seemed like a fair question to me. Then that's when she said she wasn't physically attracted to me yet.


So just for the sake of 'closure' I will conclude this by saying that if this woman stated the above (before your 2nd date), and then acted as a "polar opposite" and explained the behavior by telling you she "wasn't" attracted to you (yet); then this should be a BIG red flag for you to heed. I could understand her saying what she said if she had never seen you before, but she already saw you once before. And this bizarre statement is what she has defined herself by (as far as it concerns you). This is irrespective about how she feels about sex. Good luck.
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