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 mikem275
Joined: 10/12/2016
Msg: 1
Second dates? Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've been on well over 25 first dates on here but usually get ignored afterwards, most have been great chemistry physically with each other (complimenting each other's appearance and eye contact) I'm struggling with any successful follow up dates though, it seems everyone I've been out with never wants to take things further, is this normal, or am I doing something wrong? Most of my dates have ended in a goodnight kiss on the lips and plans to see each other again that they don't follow through with.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 2
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History
Second dates?
Posted: 10/25/2016 6:25:14 PM
Don't give up....the right one just hasn't come along.
There is nothing anyone does wrong. One just wasn't feeling it.
 mikem275
Joined: 10/12/2016
Msg: 3
Second dates?
Posted: 10/25/2016 6:36:58 PM
Thank you for the response, only thing is it'a been such a common situation I get the feeling I'm inadvertently scaring people off, I'm also a pretty quiet person by nature and have been that way all my life, although I do have healthy self confidence these experiences are definitely taking a bit of a toll on it.
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 7/5/2016
Msg: 4
Second dates?
Posted: 10/25/2016 7:43:20 PM

I've been on well over 25 first dates on here but usually get ignored afterwards, most have been great chemistry physically with each other (complimenting each other's appearance and eye contact) I'm struggling with any successful follow up dates though, it seems everyone I've been out with never wants to take things further, is this normal, or am I doing something wrong? Most of my dates have ended in a goodnight kiss on the lips and plans to see each other again that they don't follow through with.


I think you've fared better than I have to be honest. I've been on here for a long while and have only gone out with 6 guys. I think it may be somewhat normal, because some people are just flakes. The other party may not have been straight up and some people just date as an extracurricular hobby - meaning something to do and they don't care who they do it with.

I recently encountered someone whom we had a disconnect and I think he was overly excited, he called me "baby" which irks me when guys that I don't know do that, so it derailed things. He disappeared from the site, but recently came back on and contacted me. We spoke, cleared the air, he gets that I need to know him before he starts calling me baby. We've gone on two dates, the last one being this past Saturday. Who knew that would happen, but he has been a gentleman and made me laugh until my sides hurt.

I shared all this to say, it's hard to really gauge things online and it's hard to know if someone is genuinely connecting with you or just looking for something to do. It happens unfortunately with online dating.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 5
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 7:12:25 AM
Many people expect instant chemistry or they lose interest. Most of the time, there isn't instant chemistry on a first date / meeting. Often because 2 people are virtual strangers. Or at least 1 person is a little bit shy or nervous at first. That is a big reason why most first dates / meetings go nowhere.

If there is at least some physical attraction and no obvious dealbreakers, I would consider going out on a few more dates to see if chemistry can develop over time. But many people have a different viewpoint than I do.

Even when a first date / meeting goes well, there is no guarantee of a second date. A good first date is simply that. People can change their mind any time for any reason. After a date, some women have said things like "you are a sweetheart", "we should go out again", "I had a great time" etc. Yet when I tried to finalize plans for another date, they wouldn't respond, suddenly claimed that we're not a match or cancelled at the last minute.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 6
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 8:01:32 AM
I agree with the statement that a lot of people are looking for instant chemistry/instant sparks flying right away, or they loose interest. But another problem lot of first meets/dates often feel like they've turned into interviews. This often happens when meeting for a coffee or a meal, where two people are seated the whole time and facing each other, and one or both are firing off question after question, trying to probe into the other person's mind. Most people will lose interest if they felt like they've been interrogated by the FBI.
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 7
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 8:35:38 AM
When I was in the market, I could get two to three dates a week. That would vary depending on whether I got the second date aligned, whether I wanted to spend money that week, or whether I was going to do a 100 mile-ride or go out with my buddies. So I went on a lot of first dates.

Looking back the percentage of those first dates that converted into second dates I would have to say were about 25%. And Second dates that converted to then a third date were about 40%. And third dates that converted to a forth date maybe 20%.

There are all kinds of reasons why they worked or not worked. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was them. Sometimes I discovered the one red flag that I could not tolerate. Many times they realized that my abrasive personality was more than they were willing to handle. The point is, don't take it personal. The objective is not to move to the next level, but to find that person that if you move to the next level is compatible.

Many, many of those first dates developed into kissing yet nothing happened after wards. I would have to say that first dates that did not end up with some kiss in the mouth ALL ended with no second date. Dates where we then messed around some had a big chance of a second date, but not guaranteed. And dates where we actually slept together on that first date, rarely converted to a second date no matter what I tried. It's like they knew they were one night stands and wanted to move from it.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 8
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 8:53:42 AM
Good job on getting so many first meets...... some guys have trouble meeting anybody, so you are obviously doing some things right.

The thing about online dating is, the first date is not really a date, it's a meet...... you two are strangers.

And it's normal to have mostly first dates/meets and fewer second dates. If you kept dating somebody, that would often be a relationship. Finding the one for a relationship is like finding a needle in a haystack. And around here, there are lots of undesirables so the haystack is pretty big.

For me to know if you are doing anything wrong, you would have to write one of your date stories.
 prime ribb
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 9
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 10:36:48 AM
A lot of these first dates or meets are like job interviews. It's like the folks you meet come in and have an idea of what they want and if sparks don't happen within a minute or two, there's no second encounter. The phone calls stop and so do the texts and emails. Sometimes sparks aren't achieved within a first setting. It may happen on the second or third encounter.

I think the thing to keep in mind is that if you don't get a second date it's more than likely nothing on your end. It's on their end and it could be plenty of reasons and some may have nothing to do with you. Just think of it as a moment you shared with them and keep it moving to the next one. At the end of the day, you're on the net and some users on here don't have the best attention spans in the world.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 10
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Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 11:28:33 AM
It's almost a 'healthy' mindset to consider a first date anything BUT dating. Like others have said - it's really a first introduction. In the ancient past before smart phones and the internet, you usually encountered / introduced to someone in real life FIRST - be it at a bar, church, grocery store, whatever - had a chat, and THEN decided to plan a date. Anything pre-arranged as a date-type event was considered a 'blind' date, and people that did blind dates were not expected or required to follow up afterwards if the first impression didn't carry enough interest.

Despite all the photos, messaging, Q&A , background checks and Facebook connections and such that can happen on the internet prior to meeting the first time, when you meet in real life - it is still an 'introduction'. It IS a 'blind' date. People aren't always what they appear to be online, and people aren't always what you WANT them to be. That virtual image, that online 'personality', does NOT have to equate to reality - until it gets proven true by a first encounter. Most times, the first impressions are 'off' significantly. People should already be prepared for the difference - but a lot are not - and get disappointed a lot more than they should.

People that are open to blind dates might be bold and flexible enough to handle a random event with an internet stranger - which can be a good thing - or they might be selfish or greedy in the terms that they agree to that blind date. Someone who demands a lot of circumstances for their dates are probably NOT the secure, bold type - and truth be told, most people online lack confidence to meet and socialize randomly in public, so they use the Internet instead.

Even if you make a date, and both of you meet in real life the first time - it's not an absurd idea to believe that these people are STILL going to be online, looking again, or even going out on other first dates. You may be Mr. Wednesday evening, not their soul mate - so take stock in your own importance accordingly. Multiple dates are generally needed before anyone can define being 'In' a relationship. Some insecure people contradict themselves in this regard. They want exclusivity from Message One to have enough confidence you won't hurt them -- and yet, you cannot call them your 'Boyfriend' or 'Girlfriend' for several dates, weeks, or months.

Bottom line - Be casual, Be real, Be open to all possibilities - including rejection.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 11
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 1:20:48 PM
My guess is that the first meets didn't go well. You misinterpreted the subtle stuff and mistook grin and bear it for genuine interest. Happens all of the time. No disgrace in it. Just pay better attention and learn from what you are seeing. You'll get there.
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 12
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 2:56:25 PM

The thing about online dating is, the first date is not really a date, it's a meet...... you two are strangers.


I could never understand this logic. It's the logic that friend zones you right away. When I had a date, it was very, very clear that it was a date. It happened because even though I did not know her, I found something attractive and my goal was to see if there was more attraction. I made it very clear by my actions that I was not there to find my new best friend. If we did not get along, clicked, found chemistry or even good conversation, that was fine. She could go on with her life, I could go on with my life and we would be done. Next. No harm done.

A lot of men go into these get togethers with that neutral attitude and it's counter productive to them because many women like men that take initiative.
 illinigirl2168
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 13
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Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 4:10:16 PM
Unfortunately, it seems to just be the nature of online dating, for some reason (if you find out what it is, I'd love to know). Highly doubt it's anything you did or didn't do.

I went on roughly 80 dates..some great, some not so great, a few horrid..but not many turned into much (one guy has stayed good friends with me)

Now for the good news..it only takes ONE!

After I was so frustrated with the ghosting and no call backs, I just decided to keep a positive attitude and going on the dates for fun/meet people..and figured that, eventually that "one" would show up. Finally he did..

Just keep doing what you're doing and enjoy the dates while you are on them, that's all anyone can do!
 SLAFFA
Joined: 8/13/2007
Msg: 14
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 8:46:25 PM
Ove5 25 first dates in your first 14 days here is pretty good.

I think if you tweak your profile a bit, you might improve your odds of getting a second date as it will help weed out some ladies who might not be a good match.
 LLove2LaughToo
Joined: 6/6/2016
Msg: 15
Second dates?
Posted: 10/26/2016 10:21:08 PM

I've been on well over 25 first dates on here but usually get ignored afterwards, most have been great chemistry physically with each other (complimenting each other's appearance and eye contact) I'm struggling with any successful follow up dates though, it seems everyone I've been out with never wants to take things further, is this normal, or am I doing something wrong? Most of my dates have ended in a goodnight kiss on the lips and plans to see each other again that they don't follow through with.


You just joined 15 days ago, already went out in over 25 dates? Either you are doing something extraordinary well on your initial contact, or you are exaggerating.

In my opinion, if you get ignored afterwards, it could mean something about you does not match your profile and they get disenchanted after meeting you in person. It could also means you are one of those people that can talk the talk online, but when meeting face to face don't meet the other person expectations.
 LJane_6
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 16
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History
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 2:03:37 AM

Many people expect instant chemistry or they lose interest. Most of the time, there isn't instant chemistry on a first date / meeting. Often because 2 people are virtual strangers. Or at least 1 person is a little bit shy or nervous at first. That is a big reason why most first dates / meetings go nowhere.

If there is at least some physical attraction and no obvious dealbreakers, I would consider going out on a few more dates to see if chemistry can develop over time. But many people have a different viewpoint than I do.


^^This.
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 7/5/2016
Msg: 17
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 3:16:44 AM

I could never understand this logic. It's the logic that friend zones you right away. When I had a date, it was very, very clear that it was a date. It happened because even though I did not know her, I found something attractive and my goal was to see if there was more attraction. I made it very clear by my actions that I was not there to find my new best friend. If we did not get along, clicked, found chemistry or even good conversation, that was fine. She could go on with her life, I could go on with my life and we would be done. Next. No harm done.

A lot of men go into these get togethers with that neutral attitude and it's counter productive to them because many women like men that take initiative.


Exactly!!! @ IG

Many are halfway in, which equates to lukewarm interactions to me regarding these meet and greet interactions. I don't want to waste my time, effort or energy with anyone just looking for quantity and that's what most of those "meet and greets" equate to in my opinion.

I had to preface it on my profile and still would sometimes get asked to meet for coffee, but I don't do coffee interview meetups. It's definitely counterproductive and a time waster. I wish more people would get it together and be committed to go on a date. Be committed to a window of time to genuinely get to know someone.

I think that's what I've enjoyed about the person that I met, we've gone on two dates and it's not about what we've done or where we've gone, but that I am enjoying his conversation, the laughter and the bonus has been what we've opted to do.
 mikem275
Joined: 10/12/2016
Msg: 18
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 6:24:26 AM
No it was 25 dates in like 5 years, I have been on and off this for a while and deleted my old profile
 mikem275
Joined: 10/12/2016
Msg: 19
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 6:29:37 AM
To me conversation is where I seem to struggle the most, I'm not witty, funny, or outgoing, I do however ask quality questions and take a genuine interest, but I barely get girls to laugh or even smile when I'm out, maybe because of my quiet nature.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 20
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 8:22:33 AM
I'm too old to say " I feel ya brah " , but I feel the pressure to be " ON " when I first meet a woman and sometimes I'm just not. I can't just turn it on like a switch.

Sometimes, if you're lucky, you meet someone on the same wavelength who gets your humour and right off the bat it puts you at ease. Otherwise, I'd be lying if I said there weren't times when I thanked myself for having a couple beer before meeting some of the not exactly on the same wavelength types.
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 7/5/2016
Msg: 21
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 10:10:56 AM

No it was 25 dates in like 5 years, I have been on and off this for a while and deleted my old profile.


Oh, I see. Have any of those ladies kept the lines of communication open at all? Maybe even to a possible 2nd date? I might start there and ask the ones that you've narrowed down to get to know better, ask them what their thoughts are and hopefully they're honest in their feedback.

Many people just are not honest now and I've seen many people getting dumped after what they thought to be a good date. Some people are fickle. Some people are online to waste time - yours, mine and theirs; it happens. Communication is huge, so out of all of those ladies that you've gone out with, maybe they can give some honest feedback.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 22
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History
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 10:33:09 AM

InnerGorilla2
I could never understand this logic. It's the logic that friend zones you right away. When I had a date, it was very, very clear that it was a date. It happened because even though I did not know her, I found something attractive and my goal was to see if there was more attraction. I made it very clear by my actions that I was not there to find my new best friend. If we did not get along, clicked, found chemistry or even good conversation, that was fine. She could go on with her life, I could go on with my life and we would be done. Next. No harm done.

A lot of men go into these get togethers with that neutral attitude and it's counter productive to them because many women like men that take initiative.

^^^ This.

I have had women tell me they were turned off by my very nature, my attitude, the fact that I am sexually attracted to them and do not hide that fact. Which is fine, just means we are not a match. Keep looking for ones who are a match.

And then there are all of the initial meetings / first dates where you are NOT attracted, don’t even get me started on that one!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 23
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History
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 11:15:58 AM

The thing about online dating is, the first date is not really a date, it's a meet...... you two are strangers.


I could never understand this logic. It's the logic that friend zones you right away. When I had a date, it was very, very clear that it was a date.

So, what about it made it 'very clear'? That you intended to get laid?

My point about calling it a first 'meet' is giving yourself a 'cushion' to suspend your beliefs, at least temporarily -- because people go into these things with a STRONG notion of what they believe the other person is like, and how they believe the should react, based on internet profiles and Q&A. That visualization is based on very flawed and incomplete data.

People who assign a stigma to the word 'date' tend to force their romantic beliefs and intentions above and beyond what reality is actually like. It may give them an air of confidence and courage, but that's ONLY if their partner is willing to go along. Communication being the very flawed art that it is, most people aren't going to jive on the same level right away.

Most people come across as ignorant clowns, or arrogant players, or depressing wallflowers because we simply WON'T give them a chance to be anything BUT our own flawed expectations.

The end result is that people flee from anything short of catching lightning in a bottle.

There are literally hundreds of suitable matches in here that can work well as a partner without a lot of effort, but because we get so damn hung up on the 'wow' factor, we ignore just about every possibility out there.

Whatever you call the first encounter that you have - whatever title you give it - really does not matter. It's the stigma you've created that goes with it. People demand to be entertained, enthralled, transfixed - and have someone else pay the bill. Of course we all go into meets with a certain level of expectation - but it doesn't work unless you know where the edge of each others' tolerances may be - and push it a bit past that. If you don't know them - or worse, if you don't know yourself - then crossing that line is left to dumb luck and chance - and nothing more.
 JS3344
Joined: 2/12/2013
Msg: 24
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History
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 12:57:00 PM
Mike if you don't put out a hook, she will fall back in the water.....or fall asleep. You're just going to have to come out of your shell a bit, that's all I can think of. I was shy when I was your age, and over the years, I learned to talk to anybody, beautiful women, millionaires ect, and now I'm an amazing shithead who can converse with anybody.
For example on date one, find out what activities she might be interested in, then use that to hook her for date two.....make sure you follow up and call her(not text!). You need to open up so she knows who you are, they can't read your mind. Take yourself out of the comfort zone and say some stupid things to make them laugh, like get some sushi, make sure you get alcohol, and then make the menu an event, tell her you want the hottest thing on the menu, and its no good unless your nose bleeds........good luck to you.
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 7/5/2016
Msg: 25
Second dates?
Posted: 10/27/2016 2:11:27 PM

To me conversation is where I seem to struggle the most, I'm not witty, funny, or outgoing, I do however ask quality questions and take a genuine interest, but I barely get girls to laugh or even smile when I'm out, maybe because of my quiet nature.


I had an after thought. If you can, I'd definitely try to get feedback from a few of those ladies that you've gone out with.

I know in my case, out of the now 7 guys that I've met from the site, it's clear and they're clear on where things stand, such as the previous guy (6th) was pressing things too fast "sexually" and he's clear on why after the 2nd date there would not be a 3rd.

As a former shy girl, try coming out of your shell. Hopefully with each lady you've established enough rapport that you can try to spark some interesting dialogue. Find things that are mutually interesting. Ask her questions, but not in a way that it's coming across as an interview.

And, try not to get discouraged. We're all still on here, so everyone is searching, hoping and keeping themselves open to something, so you're not by yourself in this struggle of online dating.
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