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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?      Home login  
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 JaneyBaney0330
Joined: 7/21/2016
Msg: 1
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Well it's been awhile since I've dated and I'm a bit mind boggled so I have a question.

A bit of a background story I haven't dated for almost a year after a long relationship ended. I went on a few dates here and there, but didn't feel sparks and decided I'd rather not date. I honestly hate dating and find it very daunting and repetitive and I would almost spend the time with my dogs than go through the same thing over and over again.

After talking to a girlfriend and her being worried that I have zero going on in the romantic department I decided to go out with a man I was texting back and forth with for over a month. We actually hit it off and he quickly asked me out on a second date. He tried kissing me on a second date but I moved away - because frankly I wasn't ready. On date number 3 he again made a move and I tried moving away - but he was persistent so I decided to give in. This part is kind of embarrassing but as he was driving home a song came on that reminded me of my past relationship and that combined with him being the first man I've kissed since my ex I started crying. Not loud hysterical sobbing mind you , but a tear rolled down my cheek. I tried wiping it before he saw - but he did see unfortunately and right away started asking me why I'm crying. I didn't really want to explain it especially since I was embarrassed by it - but I just couldn't get my emotions together. He apologized if he rushed things and kept saying how we can take it very slow and he wants to get to know me as a person which I thought was very sweet. I assured him it wasn't him and that I was fine.


Now fast forward to Halloween. We wanted to spend the evening together. We went to the Abbey and he got pretty drunk. I was buzzed, but since I don't really drink I stopped at mojitos number 3 so I was full control of my mind. After the abbey we got an uber - the plane was for us to uber to his house and then for him to drop me off since it's only a few blocks (I live right next to his place). Inside the uber he started kissing me very hard (in a very unsensual way) and even bit my lip which threw me for a loop and I really wasn't digging it.

Once the uber dropped us off - I told him I will just wait for him to grab his key - but he insisted I come up and not stand outside. Considering we went on a couple of dates and I texted him for a month prior to us even going out - and he was always very sweet I had zero issue coming up. When I came up he gave me a water and told me to just chill for a second while he washes off his face paint (it was Halloween like I said). As he was done and came out the bathroom he sat next to me and started kissing me very hard again. Once again biting the hell out of my lip. He also started to massage my back which hurt like hell and wasn't enjoyable and I now literally am left with painful bruises. I told him repeatedly how I am tired, have a headache, have to work tomorrow and to please drop me off - to which his response was to pick me up and carry me to his bed...that's when I flipped out. I pushed him off and told him he is completely disrespecting what I'm feeling and that he either should drop me off as he insisted he do (though I kept insisting he shouldn't since he was drunk) or I'm leaving and getting an uber. That's when his whole body language changed. He grabbed his key and went downstairs. The couple of blocks he drove he didn't say a word to me. As we pulled up to my house I told him thank you, and as I was getting out he started saying how he has taken me on 4 dates and how he is sick of everything being my way and that I refuse to get intimate with him. I looked at him in disbelief and told him that I spent my whole evening with him, dancing by his side, kissing and hugging him and holding his hand - and if that's not intimate enough I don't know what to tell him. And that it's 4 dates not 4 months. I called him an ass hole after that and got out of his car.

I really was hoping he was just drunk and would apologize the next day but nope. He texted me saying he is human and has needs and that he doesn't think we are meant to be and should end it. I'm not sure what he even meant by end it since we were never together and zero clue how he went from having such great times with me when we talked over the phone or hung out to "sorry not meant to be". Is my not putting out the way he wanted me to at his pace really such a deal breaker? What happened to taking things slower and being friends?

I talked to a guy friend and he said if a woman doesn't put out by date 3 he will be gone since he will assume she is just using him to eat. I think that's crappy and ridiculous. Thoughts?
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 2
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/2/2016 11:33:33 PM
Here is the deal, Janey: The three date thing is only for people who can't think for themselves or decide anything based upon its merits. Unfortunately, that includes about 90% of the US population and undoubtedly the guy you were dating, as well. What it comes down to is THAT YOU BROKE THE RULES! A real pile of rubbish but almost everyone you are bound to interact with will be operating on that basis.

This is not to say that you need to "get with it" and conform to the rules of dimwits. Far from it. Three dates bah. Three hours is too long when vagina is all that she has to offer. If she has more, however, then the time limit goes out the window. I once dated a woman for two years and never had sex with her... not once. She had a ton of good qualities that had me coming back for more. She hooked me by playing me some mean ragtime piano. There was more to come and sex wouldn't have done much to improve my opinion of her. How could it when she was a smashing individual without it?

What it boils down to is that if you really like a man then give something of yourself and don't be stingy. Something of yourself doesn't have to be your body. It can be your talent and passion. Too many women think that they are doing a man a favor by letting him buy her stuff and letting him admire her do nothing loveliness. That is where the crass three date thing comes from. Women who show something special can attract a man who appreciates something special. Sex doesn't have to be much of an issue.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 3
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/2/2016 11:46:41 PM
As you said -- he was pretty drunk. You're going to have exaggerated feelings -- like massaging, kissing, or talking "too loud" when real drunk. But him wanting to get more intimate did reflect how he felt underneath it. His text the next day was to protect his pride, tho -- he blew it, he knew it. But what Is more true is this: It's when the girl doesn't even want to kiss or it's like pulling teeth, after you've talked seemingly forever, and you're at the end of your 4th date on top of it. That's what will frustrate most guys, if you're wondering about most guys (especially in your league). Not really about sex, per se. But if it's not physically comfortable to progress after talking for so long and 4 dates being had? Frustrating for most guys, yeah.

Part of his reaction when drunk, knowing there's emotional baggage with you and kissing's like a big-deal to ya (you're not emotionally over your Ex) -- he probably figured just going for the gusto... fish or cut bait to kiss and makeout nearing the end of that 4th date (thus the kissing hard, as he was drunk doing it).

It was your 4th date, not 3rd by the way. But if a gal doesn't want to kiss on the 3rd date, yeah, for most, it's pretty much done and feels like she's doing Game Playing. For some, it's 1st or 2nd -- but for a gal they're really drawn to, they'll give it the 3rd date like what is normal. If the gal otherwise seems like a great catch, you'll find many guys not writing her off, but he's not chasing anymore and is date-hunting elsewhere and she'll have to chase him some. If it's like pulling teeth on the 3rd date -- he's going to be frustrated (so will most girls when roles are reversed).

He handled it POORLY, tho. It was his frustration, and yeah, he wanted more 'action' sooner at the same time. He wanted more sooner than most guys. However, my point is, most guys (and girls) are going to not act like they're in junior high where a kiss after a month of talking and 3 dates had is a big deal. It's basically a requirement to fish or cut bait. One not wanting to is not cool. Doesn't give him the right to be acting like an idiot without apology, tho -- which was his beer + sexual expectations & frustrations. It's not going to be as bad as that with guys, no. You can come across a guy who will be cool about holding off on kissing and more after talking for a long while prior -- but if he's a good catch, don't expect yourself to be the only gal he's dating.

It's probably hard for ya, understandably, when you're not over an ex & all that. But part of it is to have casual carefree dates over time -- Without the mindset of relationships. Just guy interacting and such over time. Meaning, not to go toward something serious like pen-paling guys and drumming it up to then meet with expectations too high when you're still emotionally complicated over an ex.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 4
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:33:34 AM
Your not ready to be intimate yet. That's fine. Your not into this guy, that's fine. He is too pushy and wants a relationship, you dont, or at least not with him. I wouldn't go out with him again. It sounds like he is scaring you and you are leading him on.

Why are you letting everyone push you around. If you don't want to meet someone yet, do you and them a favour and don't.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 5
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 7:54:09 AM
Sex isn't instantly a deal-breaker, but a lack of intimacy sure as heck will be. If you can't trust each other enough to kiss or caress or whisper or hug each other in public after a few dates, there is something wrong.

Alcohol exaggerates everything, but the actions come from a place that exists. Realize that source. If it's something you like, then try dating sober. If it's something you don't, then all the sober dating in the world won't change it.

I'll add that frustration builds along with anticipation, so look back at your messaging conversations in POF and texts that you exchanged before meeting and dating. Think about what you said to each other on previous dates. Are you consistent? Are you truthful? Are you using your words CLEARLY to indicate how you feel? Were you 'selling' yourself in a way that could be easily misunderstood? Some men and women will attempt to bowl over their partner by pushing their own agenda, but for the most part, people just aren't communicating clearly at the same level.

If the dude was chewing on your lip, did you ignore it, or did you speak up RIGHT AWAY? Communication is so vitally important in early relationships, and yet I see posts in here all the time complaining the other party didn't understand them. When asked to review their actions, it's pretty obvious they were being vague and pandering to what they thought the other person wanted. Don't do that kind of crap. Ever. Be yourself.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 6
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 8:09:57 AM
"I talked to a guy friend and he said if a woman doesn't put out by date 3 he will be gone since he will assume she is just using him to eat. I think that's crappy and ridiculous. Thoughts?"



If YOU think it's " crappy and ridiculous " then you need to find a guy who will respect you and be patient. Any guy who will be worth it to you in the end will do just that.

The guy you described talked the talk but didn't walk the walk
( "He apologized if he rushed things and kept saying how we can take it very slow and he wants to get to know me as a person " ) - he just told you what you wanted to hear but didn't take long to show his true colors .

Don't EVER let a guy use alcohol as an excuse. The guy practically raped you.

Stay away from this guy !
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 7
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 8:48:56 AM
Golly, you remind me of a poster who was here a while back. Anyway, like others said, its a great rule for those not able to otherwise figure out where a relationship is going. They can't figure out if a bond is being made or not, so they default to "she's having sex, she must be interested". It also works for those who are looking to get laid. Maybe this guy is a hot guy who gets a lot of willing women chasing him, so he figures all women are like that and doesn't question it. Three dates is just how they avoid looking like an easy girl who puts out on the first date. Maybe your "willingness to give in" on the third date fed into his belief. who knows, but its more on him than on what you did or didn't do.

I don't know if you told him your views on dating, as much as you've told us. He should really know that you aren't looking to get his hot bod in bed, you're actually rather disinterested in what you've been finding out there (and according to your photos, you're hot enough that should have been able to find the pick of the litter if it existed out there for you), you're sorta doing this b/c your friend worries about your lack 0f romance in your life. In other words, you're looking for romance, not to be on your back. That its a deal-breaker for you--if you don't find it, you'd rather be with your dogs.

Some guys will say that's being picky, standards too high, etc. BUT, you want what you want. and you can "Afford to ask for it". So why have to put up with Mr. Right Now while seeing if Mr. Right is out there? you can do other things with your time, apparently. Honestly, some people would consider receiving bruises and having their lip bit fending off a fellow a form of assault, mugger or bar fight or whatever. while explaining to a jury what an "unsensual kiss" means is probably as difficult as him explaining the bruises on your back, it does sound like what begin as "hitting it off" has indeed turned into, "What an ***hole". I think everyone can agree, the romance is long gone.

He wanted one thing, you wanted another, and its sounds much better off for you that things have come to an end. Really, can you imagine things somehow changing for the better, after having your lip bit twice in an "unsensual kiss"? You may regret losing the chance for romance, but it sounds like the ingredients for it were not eventually there or going to form after that make-out session that sounds a little bit rough and like he was trying to force your body into liking him, rather than reading any signals from you about how you felt about the whole thing. call it self focus on his part, or disrespect for what your body was telegraphing and the words coming out of your mouth.

re-read your explanation of your date, as if it was a friend calling you up late at night after getting home from a date gone wrong and asking for your view on it. If it was someone else's story and you didn't know a thing about the guy so you had "no skin in the game", what would your reaction be to it? what you point out she didn't see, if there was anything?
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 8
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 9:25:10 AM
Being drunk is no excuse when it comes to sexual assault. And why on earth, when he was drunk, did you let him drive you home??
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 9
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 10:15:28 AM
He was a drunken ***hole and you should be glad to be rid of him. No means no.

But you are admittedly not ready to date date and still pining away for a relationship that's been over for a year. Get some help. And fix your damn profile because it claims you are looking for someone to be with and fully healed!!!!!
My advice is to stay single and not feel pressured to go out just because your friends think you should. After a month of texting, three dates, flirting, kissing and then going to his apartment rather than asking the Uber driver to drop you off? I can understand a man thinking you are into him.
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 7/5/2016
Msg: 10
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 10:36:15 AM
This post sounds just like another post: Did I mess up badly?
 JaneyBaney0330
Joined: 7/21/2016
Msg: 11
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 11:22:15 AM
I don't really follow posts on here so I don't know what post my post sounds like...

Back to my original post - I guess my question was - which I already got answers to pretty much - was how one can go from enjoying someone's company and preaching how we can take everything really slow to "sorry we aren't meant to be". I'm quite mind boggled how that even happened.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 12
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 11:32:25 AM

was how one can go from enjoying someone's company and preaching how we can take everything really slow to "sorry we aren't meant to be".


Because this part....



enjoying someone's company and preaching how we can take everything really slow


....was just a façade/front until he got what he really wanted.

Which he didn't get after all.



I'm quite mind boggled how that even happened.


This isn't rocket science.

Life lesson #2:

Plenty of people will put up self-serving facades/fronts to get what they want, sexual or otherwise.
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 13
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 11:34:23 AM
He didn't want to wait to jump on your hot bod. It sounds as though he's found a replacement already. I'm not sure why you're that bothered; your OP paints him as a bit of a sleazebag. You can obviously do better. Treat it as experience.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 14
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:02:15 PM

how one can go from enjoying someone's company and preaching how we can take everything really slow to "sorry we aren't meant to be". I'm quite mind boggled how that even happened.

So, in the end, your pain is that he Walked away from you -- not him being a drunken idiot, who, underneath it all, was only willing to take a couple dates 'slow', but after that, play catch-up and even more (due to drinking & frustrations). You should Want to walk away from him. He obviously wants more than you're ready for -- and too much too fast for most people. It's a Good thing that you being Too Slow was met with someone who wanted Too Much Too Fast, so there's no wasted "dating potential" (phew!). Don't even feel it as a rejection -- you (rightfully) walked from him, but he just carried the torch to end it all (in a non-compassionate way to protect his ego). But it should have ended. Don't worry about who ended what/when. You found out that you two were on Very different pages. Don't fret it.

Instead Be Glad, and learn from it. It Would have been bad if it was a guy who wasn't wanting to pork, but instead was a calmer, cooler guy who just wanted to makeout a bit at the end of a 4th date who was talking to you for a month before even your 1st date -- where you were apprehensive to even kiss... and politely accepted you just wanting to go home, then ended it. THAT would be something I can understand being upset about. Instead, you found out he was a drunken horndog - lol. Best to have your dating stumbles, when you're not ready to date, with those who you wouldn't want to end up with anyway.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 15
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:19:16 PM
From " Did I mess up Badly ? " in Dating Experiences :


I'm just surprised after him over and over again saying "sex or no sex I want to hang out again" and then even replying to my text saying he had a great time with a kissy emoticon - and that was the last I heard from him and it's now 3 days is a bit MIND BOGGLING .



A remarkably similar story but I’m sure it’s purely coincidental, haha


Personally, I find it “ mind boggling “ that at your age you could be so naïve to not know about a guy saying whatever he thinks you want to hear so that he can get into your pants ASAP.

You know , GAIN YOUR TRUST and then …..
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 16
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:22:02 PM
GTO:
Golly, you remind me of a poster who was here a while back.

First sentence of your very long post.

Ok, for those of us not quite "in the know" - who?
 PrettyBr0wnEyed1
Joined: 7/5/2016
Msg: 17
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:27:34 PM
@BCC:

From " Did I mess up Badly ? " in Dating Experiences :


I'm just surprised after him over and over again saying "sex or no sex I want to hang out again" and then even replying to my text saying he had a great time with a kissy emoticon - and that was the last I heard from him and it's now 3 days is a bit MIND BOGGLING .



A remarkably similar story but I’m sure it’s purely coincidental, haha


Exactly, it seems VERY SIMILAR, but purely coincidental. Hahahaha. I'm not biting or baiting that hook.
 JaneyBaney0330
Joined: 7/21/2016
Msg: 18
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:28:22 PM
Indeed similar in some ways (but surely many people use the word kind boggling) but I can assure you this is my only account. I read the post that was referenced and more power to her but I don't go down on the first date - and apparently have an issue even kissing on the third date.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 19
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:30:15 PM
^^^^
msg 17

Good job Sherlock !

Speaking of similar , if the OP is also " Mixedmisty " , then who is THIS :


http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=83421352
 JaneyBaney0330
Joined: 7/21/2016
Msg: 20
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 12:34:11 PM
Oh haha that's my old profile! I probably have a few from back in the day. Forgetting passwords can't get into old email. I'm confused what you are getting at? Same age, same city, obviously my face...what's your point? I'm really confused what that has to do with anything I posted?
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 21
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 1:09:11 PM
So he creeped you out, and you live only a few blocks away YET
you had to go up to his place. Even tho he was drunk
*eye roll*
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 23
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Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 4:57:23 PM

So he creeped you out, and you live

Yes, you only live once, so you... oh wait...

live only a few blocks away YET you had to go up to his place. Even tho he was drunk

... why did he Drive her home drunk? Why not walk down the street with her if necessary?

If she had a headache and was tired, had to get up early -- and they were in totally different gears -- yeah, it would have been best to say it at that point, and that she'll call him tomorrow, and looking forward to seeing him again with a smile. Granted, things in hind-sight wouldn't have worked out for them as it didn't take a night of Halloween drinking differential to put them in different gears on important stuff, but it would have still ended less dramatically.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 24
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 5:02:17 PM
oh NG.. wanna buy a bridge?
If someone is " biting my lip" and massaging me til I bruise ( wtf)
I ain't hanging around for the credits :/
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 25
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 7:12:43 PM

Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?


I find it depends how much I'm charging.
 prime ribb
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 26
Is no sex after 3 dates a deal breaker?
Posted: 11/3/2016 7:44:23 PM
As a guy I would have to say if there was no type of physical intimacy after three dates, I would charge the female to the game. I get that some want to move at a slow pace but three dates is way too slow. This is why I feel that men and women need to start being upfront with each other when start dating so there won't be any misunderstandings.
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