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 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 1
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Any tips on getting past my shyness? Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have been on POF for a week. I'm having a really hard time responding to my messages, even to people that I am interested in.

I was married for 30 years and recently got a divorce. I am finding that being in the dating world for the first time since I was 20 (I'm 52) is extremely nerve wracking after all this time.

Any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated.
 halforhalfnot
Joined: 9/13/2016
Msg: 2
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/5/2016 6:02:20 PM
Unfortunately, this is one of those things you just have to practice before you can get comfortable with it. And that means responding to messages. For what it's worth, most message exchanges won't lead to an actual meeting. So you aren't betting much.
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 3
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/5/2016 6:21:22 PM
Thanks for your response.

I have had two people asked me out but they were actually people that I was not interested in.

The one guy that I was brave enough to talk to you that I was interested in disappeared after he found out that I am not in it for a hook up.
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 4
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/5/2016 6:22:47 PM
My speech to text isn't working too well.

I see errors but I can't correct them.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 5
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/5/2016 8:53:35 PM
You need to ease back into a social environment. You're used to having a partner to watch your back at social events, or to take the lead in places you are unfamiliar. Now you're flying solo and that's scary.

Suggestion: Use friends or family as wingmen to get your "date legs" again.
There are two (2) issues: Dating Safety & Dating Confidence
- Dating Safety is about physical & financial safety. Even after email and chat, a web date is essentially a BLIND DATE. It's where you find out if what they told you is actually true. You want to be safe. Meet in the daytime - In public spaces - Use the POF message system, do not give out your personal email, your phone number, or friend anyone on Facebook or SnapChat. If you plan to do a lot of dating, some people suggest you get a disposable phone and only give out the number for that one.

IT'S OKAY TO HAVE FRIENDS/FAMILY WATCH YOUR BACK. Remember, you're meeting a complete stranger. Do not invite him to your home or work. Do not get into a car or any vehicle with him. Do not meet him at "his friend's house" or any place that might be sealed up with only one exit. Have your friends/family ride with you or meet you before the date and sit someplace near where they can watch you talk with your date. The objective here is SAFETY. Always Be Safe.

- Dating Confidence is about how your feel about yourself and how you want your dating and romance to proceed. Being alone again is strange and weird. You need to re-learn that YOU ARE OKAY. You have to relearn to be OK with your history, your hobbies, your interests, your family, your career --- all of it. Strangers can be very critical or say things that are unexpected and hurtful. You have to have the fortitude in your gut to walk away if you don't like someone - all the while knowing that YOU ARE OKAY. In the long run you can learn to change your language, dress, or style to attract a different type of person - but at the base you just need to know that you're not a bad person just because one guy didn't call back. YOU ARE OKAY. Reaffirm this with friends and family.

Your Friends and Family should KNOW THAT YOU ARE DATING and be ready to help you out and discuss your strategy and results. They want you to be happy, so dating should not be a secret. This is where many people make it hard on themselves...they cut their friends and family out of it and try to keep everything a secret. Let them help you!

Attend get-togethers with friends and family so you can get used to meeting people ( men and women ) and telling your story. By this I mean you introduce yourself and what you're about, what you're seeking, how you feel about work, entertainment, etc. Basically, you practice your conversation skills. The reverse is true - you ask people about themselves and then shut-up and LISTEN.

In online dating, people get hung-up and fixated on the "finding a date" part that's online. That's not the killer. The REAL TEST is when you meet in person. Use your manners, and relax as much as you can. If you need your friend to be there, ask them to come along. Take care!
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 6
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/5/2016 9:33:22 PM
Thanks for your reply.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 7
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 1:32:37 AM
If you do actually meet up with anyone from here make sure you take your own transport, do not tell them where you live or your full name. Meet in daylight and for a drink initially. If you happen to hit it off then that is the time to make arrangements for a more extended date. You will likely encounter all sorts on here so be careful and dont take any risks. Try to hear their voice on the phone before you arrange a meet. You are very pretty and will get lots of initial attention I am sure. However stating you want nothing serious will convey to a lot of men that you are out for a good time, a hook up or a one nighter. I would change that to looking for a relationship. The people you meet will determine what happens with all that.

 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 8
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 1:11:09 AM
OP...Since you're looking to date but nothing serious, the guys looking to hookup will think you want to hookup, too.

Take things at your own pace and date on your terms. Lots of changes in dating in the last 30 years and not necessarily for the better.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 9
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 3:31:03 AM
Shyness as applied to the sexes has two entirely different end results.

With women, men that are attracted to you will attempt to lure you out, and get you to open up.

With men, it means you're dead in the water, and they may as well find something else to occupy their time.

You won't be criticised for admitting it here. I will because I do, and have been in the past. Go into it slowly. Show interest in any man that appeals to you. Be kind enough to give more than a one word answer to any question asked of you. Ask questions to show your interest.

And be prepared to weather crude remarks from some that you reject. You are allowed to block anyone that you feel is abusive.

For you, OLD (On Line Dating) could have a positive end result. For me, my end result is what you read.
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 10
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 7:47:21 AM
Wow! I never thought that putting that I don't want anything serious would be misconstrued as wanting hookups. I am not looking to be serious with anyone starting right out of the gate but I definitely don't want to attract THAT kind of attention. It's nice to hear the perspective on this coming from men. Thanks for the responses. I will change that.
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 11
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 9:39:49 AM
Ok I switched my intent to "relationship". But my "for"' still says dating. Should I change that to long term? Eventually, yes but I am not looking for long-term right now.
The choices are hang out/long term/dating/friends.
If I go out with someone, I just don't want them to think that I will be seeing them exclusively. I want to be able to date others and not feel guilty.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 12
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 10:07:38 AM
Surprised no one has brought up Whiskey?????

I guess it's up to me, again.

Whiskey.


 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 13
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 10:09:42 AM

Meet in daylight and for a drink initially.


"Why would she have you meet her at a bar at 10 in the morning?"

"I just thought she was a raging alcoholic!"


Lots of changes in dating in the last 30 years and not necessarily for the better.


2 words:

Pepper spray.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 14
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 10:37:28 AM

Ok I switched my intent to "relationship". But my "for"' still says dating. Should I change that to long term?


Don't change it to long term. I'm now second guessing myself on relationship as intent. Dating but nothing serious may not be wrong after all. Just experiment with your intent and see what your results are.

It's the "Isn't seeking a relationship or commitment of any kind" intent combined with single/divorced marital status that could attract the players. As long as you state your intentions in your profile you should be okay. Nothing is 100% player proof.

My apologies for my earlier answer as I had time to think about it more.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 15
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 11:15:31 AM
Doesn't really matter at all what your INTENT is, that setting is pretty much irrelevant to men. If men like your photos, they'll contact you. You can put all your long-term fantasy desires in the body of the profile. Some men will read it. A few will use the info to try to connect with you. Most don't really care.
-Men want a DATE to see if you're worth pursuing. They don't decide long/short term ahead of time ( unless their priority is finances or child care).
-After a few dates they decide to either continue or move on ( sex may or may not influence this decision ).
-After a few dates they decide to either continue pursuing other women or stop and focus solely on you.
-You don't have to wait for the man to make a move, make THE move, or make any decision at all. You can determine your own path and not sit around waiting for the phone to ring.

Advice: Get rid of the blurry pics and the tinted pics. Replace with CLEAR PICS and full-body pics. Do not use Instagram/SnapChat filters or Glamour photos, no matter how recent. Your date is not in a photo studio, so you won't look like that.
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 16
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 11:38:53 AM
Thanks guys.

I HATE taking pictures of myself. I don't take or have many pictures of myself and the only recent full body shot I have is with my 2 nieces so I didn't really want to post that one. I don't do any filtering or editing. Don't even know how. Don't have Instagram or Snapchat and definitely don't have any glamour photos.

The tinted ones are just because of bad lighting.

I will have to work on my pictures.

Someone just barely started talking to me and already asked me out for coffee. I told him I would like to get to know him a little bit online first.

Damn I hate having to date in my 50s after all this time!
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 17
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 11:45:28 AM
"I HATE taking pictures of myself."
Hand the camera to your family member or friend to take photos. Take dozens of photos and delete the bad ones. You can take dozens of photos in 10 minutes, but I would suggest you devote much more time than that to what will be your FIRST IMPRESSION to thousands or potential men who browse your profile.

GET OUTSIDE where there is some light to take some pictures. If you're willing to spend an hour doing make-up before going out ONCE, why is it such a hassle to spend an hour to take some good photos you can use for MONTHS?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 18
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 11:50:34 AM

I will have to work on my pictures.


Your pictures are fine.

Only a blind person cannot see what you look like.

So many people online OBSESS about pictures.

Even people who don't have good pictures themselves.

It's not like they are getting stuck with an arranged marriage.

I just don't worry about it all that much.

People will look like what they look like if and when you meet them.



Damn I hate having to date in my 50s after all this time!


Just take your time and keep your wits about you.

Along with the pepper spray.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 19
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 11:56:08 AM
Just meet for coffee.. sooner then better. Not like you are going to find out about him exchanging messages ( let him freak you out in person LOL)
I'd be careful about moaning about having to start dating, etc
Plus they will think you naive.
Nothing. NOTHING. Is real til you meet. Again you might have to scream in your car afterwards but
still nothing
I'd not mention newly divorced in the profile, you can share that if you click. Some men will think you a vat of need and try running their best game
Your User name and Header, I'd not consider you shy :/
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 20
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 12:45:45 PM
perhaps the first step, that trips us all up, is having a goal. We want to make this work, so bad, that we get upset when it doesn't, or even worse, we lower our standards or contribute more than we can afford to lose, in order to make a date work. As contrary as it sounds, its best to try to "make" this be...fun. If a responder makes it too hard to meet, give up on them. They probably aren't a good match anyway, or a flake. Perhaps not chasing them makes us look more attractive. Make it about meeting new people, only the ones worth getting to know, and hopefully meeting them in new fun places, or places you wouldn't mind being at should they fail to show up. The whole process might be a success, might sometimes be a success, might be a total failure. People have mentioned meetup.com before, you might find that in your area there are events to meet people face to face, and that may work out better as people talk their heads off in an attempt to impress you.
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 21
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 12:56:21 PM
Ok I switched my intent back to wants to date but nothing serious. I'm still not sure about that but I'll keep it that way for now.

I would never put it in my profile or tell a guy who's interested in me that I hate having to start dating. I only told you guys :)

I removed being newly divorced in my profile and also switched my header from "Chivalry is sexy" to Please prove to me that chivalry isn't dead!". I was trying to convey that I want a gentleman. The truth is that chivalry really is damn sexy but I guess using the word sexy can in the header can attract the wrong kind of attention.

As far as my username, I honestly chose that referring to a line in one of my favorite songs called "sugar" by Maroon 5. I have since thought about how that can put the wrong message out but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it now. If I could switch my username I would!

I really am extremely and painfully shy. I will have to psyche myself up for the coffee date.

Thanks for the advice :)
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 22
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 12:58:58 PM
I feel that shyness is an egocentric (not to be confused with "egotistical") sort of a thing; that it's one manifestation of worrying too much about how one appears to others. As such, I do believe it can be overcome by taking one's focus off oneself and focusing more on others.

(I should be getting paid for this sh*t.)
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 23
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 2:16:56 PM
Yes, it's a pain to start dating again. For some, they can start over and find some success in a reasonable amount of time. Others never get off square one, and have to learn to fly solo for the rest of their days.

Makes me wonder about two great aunts and one great uncle in my family. Two never married, one was married for 48 years. All three lived together, all three lived to be centenarians. And no, they never dated. ( to my knowledge) Obviously, they found a way to get along without the need for the company of the opposite sex. Or they were just too obstinate, and could deal with any situation.

However you cope with your new single existence is anyone's guess. Learn to like yourself, and depend on no one, to make yourself happy. Don't expect dating to pan out very well. I expected at least a few dates in a span of five years since my divorce. A couple dates with one woman four years ago is all I got. And I found out that women are exceptionally stubborn about dating. I decided to not fight it, and I stopped asking, and started being only concerned about myself.
 illinigirl2168
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 24
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 2:21:11 PM
Welcome to the forums!

My advice is just expect to meet all kinds..just make it fun and look at it as an adventure, even if they walk out after saying they had to go to the restroom (hey, at least he paid for my drink first!)

You are very attractive, and will get many messages, especially at first. Meet asap, don't get stuck in texting hell that goes nowhere. As you will most likely find, many people on here use it solely for texting "ego boosts" or some strange reason I could never figure out, and have zero intention of meeting in real life. You sometimes don't find this out until the 11th hour..but you learn to weed them out over time.
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 25
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 3:19:58 PM
Whatsa - I have no problem focusing on others. It is just a matter of severe social anxiety.

Illini - thank you, I peeked at your pictures, very pretty. Nice to see that you are in a serious relationship. Did you meet him on here? How long did it take?
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